by Sarah Bailey
“I’m so stupid.”
“No, no, you’re not. You’re the best person in the world, Jonah, and if he can’t see that, it’s his loss, okay?”
I didn’t believe her. No, I blamed myself for ruining everything by pushing. By wanting someone I couldn’t have.
“I didn’t know you two even talked or anything.”
A part of me regretted ever talking to him that first time. For ever giving a shit about someone else’s pain. Now I was suffering worse than ever. Not only was my pain razing through me, but his pain also consumed me. His agony. This was my problem. I took on the hurt the people I cared about felt. I experienced it right alongside them.
I hated it. I hated it so fucking much.
“We were kind of,” I sniffled. “I was just stupid enough to think it meant something more when it didn’t.”
“What exactly happened?”
I shook my head. I wasn’t going to tell her. No one could find out. I wouldn’t out him to his friend. It wouldn’t be right.
“I can’t tell you. Don’t ask me to. Please just be here for me and don’t ask questions, Mer.”
She was silent for a long moment, her fingers still tangled in my hair.
“I’m right here, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”
I would have breathed a sigh of relief if I was in so much pain.
I want to hate you, Raphi. I want to hate you for this… but I can’t. I just fucking can’t.
I didn’t think I could hate the boy I’d fallen in love with. I didn’t even hate my mum and she’d done worse to me. Hate wasn’t something I felt capable of feeling.
Instead of hating Raphi, I cried. I cried into my sister’s chest and wondered if I would be okay. I wondered if I would be able to fall out of love with him in time. If this would stop hurting the way it did.
Too many questions. Too many what ifs.
None of it mattered to my heart. It was shattered. And I was in purgatory over the loss of the person I wanted to take care of and love the way he deserved.
Chapter Eighteen
Every step I took away from Jonah decimated me. It fucking stung. I could feel myself falling deeper and deeper into the abyss of torrid torment I’d sentenced myself to. There was no one else to blame but me. I’d given him the horrified and broken look in his eyes. I’d subjected him to the agony he must be feeling alongside me right now. I knew Jonah. He was sensitive. He felt my pain just as he did his.
It was what killed me the most. Knowing I’d forced this misery on him. I’d used what I knew about him against him, which was completely unfair of me. I should never have told him I didn’t want him. It would only have reminded Jonah of what his mum said. Of the fact she didn’t want her own children.
None of this was Jonah’s fault. He hadn’t really done anything wrong other than try to save me and want to care for me. It was me who couldn’t let him. Me who couldn’t see beyond his need for normality. Need to not feel this way about another boy. I knew all of this and yet I could do nothing to stop it. Nothing at all.
Fucking Miles Anders had pushed me over the edge. His bullshit had been the last straw. I’d never been hit before and it hurt like a bitch. I didn’t want that for myself again. I didn’t want any of this.
I walked through the school gates. My dad was leaning up against the car right outside. The moment he saw me, he shoved off it and his green eyes, which matched mine, grew concerned.
“Monkey, what on earth happened to you?”
I didn’t want to cry. Seeing him made my heart hurt worse. Everything hurt too much.
He reached out and gently took my chin between his fingers, looking over my face with so much concern, it almost broke me clean in two.
“Did someone hit you? Where are your glasses?”
I raised my hand and showed him them. Dad looked down at them, his expression turning grim.
“Raphael, what happened?”
There was nothing for it but to tell him the truth.
“Some kids beat me up, they’ve been harassing me for a long time but today… today they got physical.”
“How long?”
I flinched.
“A while… like maybe a year or two or three,” I mumbled.
He sucked in a breath, then put his fingers to his nose as if this was not what he wanted to hear at all. I could hardly blame him. I’d kept the truth of it from all five of my parents.
“Right, we’re going to speak to your headteacher. I sincerely hope he’s still here or I will be coming in with you tomorrow and we’ll talk to him then.”
“What? No, Dad—”
“Do not say another word, Raphael. We are going and that’s it.”
I could hear the anger in his voice. I shut my mouth because it was useless arguing. He walked away to the car and pulled the door open.
“Rora, Duke, stay in the car and watch Cole. Raphi and I will be back in a bit, okay?”
I didn’t hear the response from my siblings. Dad shut the door and took me by the arm, forcing me to go with him back into the playground. I stared up at him, wondering if he was angry with me or the situation.
“I’m sorry, Dad.”
“You should have said something long before now.”
“I know.”
“Do your brothers and sister know about this?”
We’d reached the entrance by then. Dad ripped the door open and tugged me inside. He wasn’t being rough with me or anything, but I could feel the tension and frustration radiating off him.
“Duke does. He’s told them to stop so many times, but they haven’t. They never do.”
“Jesus Christ, and neither of you thought to tell us what was going on?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Well, it’s neither here nor there now. I’m going to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”
I was silent then, letting him lead me through the school building. A teacher came out of a classroom and looked a little startled when she spied us. It was my biology teacher.
“Raphi?”
Dad stopped, looking her over.
“Um, hello, Miss Dennis,” I mumbled.
“Are you okay?” She looked at my dad. “Is your son okay, Mr Nelson?”
Dad had met her at parents’ evening a few times as he was usually the one who attended with Mum.
“Hello, Miss Dennis. No, he’s not. Do you think Mr Hanover is still here? I need to speak to him. Urgently.”
“He normally stays late on a Thursday, so yes, he should be. Here, I’ll take you to his office.”
Miss Dennis gave me a concerned look as she led us down the corridor, but I stayed quiet. I was already in enough trouble as it was for not saying anything about the bullying earlier. I had no idea what Mum would say when she found out.
I barely registered when we got to the headteacher’s offices and when Miss Dennis went in to let him know we were there. Too busy worrying about what would happen when I got home and trying to shove down the pain in my chest. It was agonising. I couldn’t think about Jonah any longer even though my heart was fucking shattered.
Dad hustled me into Mr Hanover’s office and they were talking whilst I sat down in a chair in front of his desk. I stared down at my broken glasses, not knowing what to do or say.
“Raphael?”
I looked up finding Mr Hanover looking at me expectantly.
“Sorry, I wasn’t listening.”
“That’s okay. Would you like to tell me what’s been happening? Your father said you were hit on school grounds.”
I set my glasses on the desk for him to see. He frowned when he noticed the shattered lens.
“I was… they hit me in the face twice, punched me in the stomach, threw me on the floor and kicked me repeatedly.”
I saw Dad’s hand curl around the arm of the chair he’d sat in like he was holding back his emotions over hearing what happened to me.
&nbs
p; “Well, this is very serious. I’d like you to start at the beginning, if that’s okay? I need to know when this started and the names of all the pupils involved.”
I told him the whole sorry tale. Everything I remembered. How they’d call me names in the hallway, shove me and make me feel small. How Duke had told them to stop it but they wouldn’t. I told him all the horrible things they’d said about my parents knowing my dad was growing ever more agitated next to me. Then I told him in detail what they’d said to me today. What they’d done. And by the time I’d finished, I felt numb.
It didn’t matter that in the aftermath of this, most of the kids involved were suspended and Miles was expelled. Nor that Duke had found Miles outside of school days later and given him a black eye for hurting me, telling him if he dared uttered a word about this, Duke would fuck him up worse. None of it really mattered because I felt like shit for it coming to this and my world had fallen apart around me.
When we left Mr Hanover’s office, Dad said nothing. He merely led me back to the car, turfed Aurora out the front seat and made me sit there instead. No one spoke during the ride back to our house. The atmosphere was heavy like a black cloud had fallen over us.
Dad unlocked the front door and the five of us walked into the house. He helped me out of my coat and put my bag by the door.
“Kids, go find your mother for me and I want you to make Raphi some tea, okay?”
“Okay, E,” Aurora said, looking over at me with sadness in her eyes like she understood I’d been hurting and didn’t want to give me shit over it.
“I’m taking him to his room.”
Aurora, Duke and Cole ambled off whilst Dad led me down the hallway and into my room. I sat down on my bed, letting him take my ruined glasses from me. He set them on my desk and dug through the drawers, finding one of my spare pairs. He brought them over and set the case on the bed next to us as he sat down.
A moment later, Mum rushed in with her face a picture of concern.
“My baby boy.”
That was all it took. I burst into tears, feeling utterly desolate. She hustled over, sat down and took me in her arms.
“Shh, shh, it’s okay, I’m here.”
“Mum,” I sobbed, clutching her like my life depended on it. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Oh, monkey, you have nothing to be sorry for, nothing at all.”
I could feel her and Dad looking at each other over my head.
“What happened, E?”
“He’s been getting bullied at school and today, they hit him. I’ve spoken to Mr Hanover and they’re going to be dealt with. I’ll explain the whole story later as I’m sure Raphi doesn’t want to go over it again.”
Mum stroked my hair and held me tighter. She leant her face against my head.
“It’s okay, my baby, I’m here. I’m right here,” she murmured.
I wasn’t even crying over what happened with Miles and his gang at school. I was still in pain from it, yes, but it was my heart which had me sobbing into my mum’s chest. My damaged and bruised heart. I had done this myself by utterly destroying any last shred of hope between Jonah and me.
“It’s… it’s not school, not the bullies,” I cried. “It’s not.”
“What is it then, monkey?”
“My heart… my heart.”
Mum and Dad were silent for a long moment. Then I felt Dad hug me from behind. Having both of them holding me only made it worse. The pain ripped through me, tearing my insides to shreds.
“What do you mean, Raphi?” he asked.
“My heart… it’s broken.”
“Your heart is broken?”
“Yes,” I practically wailed into Mum’s chest.
I heard footsteps then.
“I think I might be able to shed some light on that,” came Xav’s voice.
I peered out from where my face was buried in Mum’s chest. Xav had come in and was holding a steaming mug of tea in his hands. Behind him appeared my two other dads, Rory and Quinn. Everyone was here. I didn’t even know they were home. I thought they might have been at the casino.
Xav walked over and squatted down in front of me. I pulled away from Mum, both my parents releasing me at the same time. He had a compassionate look in his eyes as he pressed the mug into my shaking hands.
“Do you want me to tell them?” he asked, his voice quiet.
Quinn and Rory came closer, the latter having closed the door over. I nodded since I wasn’t able to voice out loud that I’d gone and fallen in love with a boy.
“Raphi came to me a few weeks ago. He’s been a little confused about himself, haven’t you, monkey?”
I nodded again, staring down into the mug of tea.
“It seems our boy has developed feelings for his friend.”
“Which friend?” Mum asked.
“Well, that he didn’t tell me, but what I can say is, it’s another boy.”
A fresh set of tears made their way down my cheeks. The thought of Jonah tore my fucking soul to pieces. I’d said terrible things to him. I had no other choice. He wouldn’t stop pushing so I had to do something drastic.
I regretted it.
Every. Single. Word.
Mum wrapped her arm around me, giving my shoulders a squeeze. Xav sat down on the floor properly. Then Rory squatted next to him and reached out, taking one of my hands from around the mug and holding it.
“You know it’s okay if you like boys, right?” he said without any sort of judgement in his voice.
That was the thing about Rory. He never made any of us feel like we were in the wrong or stupid for our choices.
“I don’t know if I do,” I mumbled. “I don’t want to feel that way about him.”
“That’s okay too.”
It didn’t make me feel any better. Somehow their acceptance of my feelings made it worse.
“It doesn’t matter anyway, I ruined it. I made it clear to him I didn’t want that. I hurt him and myself in the process.”
Mum squeezed me again. None of them looked disappointed or upset with me. All of them had these understanding expressions on their faces. I sipped my tea, feeling it warm me from the inside out. It made me smile a little as it was so typical being given tea to calm myself down. It was the universal solution to anything.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the bullying. I didn’t know how because it made me feel like crap, especially since it was about you guys. I guess… I guess after you told me about… about your past, it made it worse.” I looked down at my mug again. “Like their taunts were kind of valid which I know they aren’t… I know that, but it messed with my head, messed with everything.”
“Raphi, we’re sorry we had to tell you about that,” Dad said, rubbing my arm.
I shook my head.
“It’s okay. I understand why you did. I’m sorry too.”
Quinn squatted down on the other side of Xav. I met his eyes a moment later. They were full of understanding.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. We all knew this wouldn’t be easy for any of you. We’re the ones who are sorry for making you feel like you couldn’t come to us about it. None of us wanted you kids to ever feel like that, Raphi. You are our son and we love you so much.”
My heart hurt at his words. The sincerity and love radiating off him and the others was almost too much. Why had I been stupid enough to think my parents wouldn’t understand? Having them all be here for me in my hour of need was everything to me. Absolutely everything. It didn’t stop my heart bleeding over what I’d said to Jonah, but it kept me from sinking completely.
“I was scared,” I whispered.
“We know and it’s okay, monkey,” Xav said. “We’re not upset or angry with you. We’re worried and we care, that’s all.”
I looked over at my dad because he was who I’d always been the closest to. His eyes were sad as if he hated how much I was suffering.
“Dad…”
He reached up and stroked my face.
“You’re okay, monkey. I love you, remember that.”
Xav took my mug from me to enable me to hug my dad. He held me close and murmured everything was going to be okay whilst rubbing my back.
I wasn’t sure it would be when I’d really hurt someone I cared about, but having my parents give me exactly what I needed right then. It helped me work through my pain. They stopped me from falling into a pit of despair I couldn’t get out of. If they hadn’t helped me, I’m not sure I would have been able to make it.
I’d gone and done something stupid. I’d hurt the one person who I knew would have been there for me through thick and thin. Who would have cared for me if only I’d let him. I didn’t think I could ever forgive myself for what I’d said to Jonah. He deserved better. And I hoped he’d find someone who would give him everything I couldn’t.
Part II
entice
verb, en·ticed, en·tic·ing.
to lead on by exciting hope or desire; allure; inveigle.
Chapter Nineteen
Three years later
It’s over.
Those two little words have the power to change everything. They’d run through my head on repeat for the past two days. It’s not that I felt bad about it being over or it was some kind of profound moment in my life which would stick with me forever. They signified the end, not just of my relationship, but the end of an era. She’d said them to me on the last day of school. The day I truly felt like I’d stopped being a kid and started being an adult. I had turned eighteen before then, but it didn’t hit me until that day.
I thought perhaps Lana and I would remain together throughout the summer until we both went to university. Wishful thinking on my part. Stupid thinking really, since she and I had nothing real in common except we’d been lonely. Sometimes loneliness draws two people together and keeps them next to each other for a time. After all, Lana and I had started talking because Duke had dragged me out to a party his friend had thrown and we were the two quiet ones in the corner. She was sweet, kind and funny. We ended up in bed together. It was the first time I’d been with a girl, but she didn’t seem to notice as we were both drunk.