by Sarah Bailey
“You know, if you just gave it a chance, I think you’d be happy,” Duke commented after he’d swallowed a mouthful of food. “Lana was okay and all, but she wasn’t Jonah now, was she?”
“I hate you right now,” I muttered, staring down at my plate.
“You always hate me, but what did I do this time?”
He knew I didn’t hate him. My brother might be a royal pain in the arse, but he was also the only person I could talk to about this. Well, I could talk to my dad. In all honesty, I probably should. Keeping stuff from him last time hadn’t gone very well.
“Just being right about me all the fucking time.”
His smile pissed me right off.
“So, that means you definitely want to be with Jonah and you’re definitely the one who gave him a good hard dicking.”
I cannot with my brother. He literally is the fucking worst.
“Really, Duke? We’re back to that again?”
“We’re going to be back to that until you admit it.”
“For fuck’s sake, fine, I fucked him. Now, can you please stop going on about dicking and pounding?”
We stared at each other for a long moment before both of us started chuckling at the utter ridiculousness of the situation.
“Way to fucking go,” he told me through his laughter. “You’ve grown a pair finally.”
“Shut up, I have not grown a pair just because I slept with Jonah.”
He waved a hand at me before going back to his meal.
“Yeah, you fucking have. You were a repressed little shit who blushed at the mere mention of sex before today. You refused to even tell me what Lana’s pussy was like.”
“I’m still not telling you.”
He winked. It was none of Duke’s business. My dad had always taught me to treat everyone with respect, especially someone I was in a relationship with. I’d never divulged those types of details. I didn’t think Lana would have appreciated it.
“Well, she was kind of fucking boring, Raphi. She better have had a good pussy or there would have been no point going out with her.”
“You are such a…”
“Cunt?”
“Yes.”
“I know.”
I shook my head. I didn’t like to say it, but Duke had a point. My family had been polite to Lana, but they’d never taken to her the way they’d done with Meredith when she was dating Cole. Lana never really tried with them and I didn’t press the subject. Loneliness and the need to be normal had driven me to stay with her. It was wrong of me, but I had a feeling she was using me for the same reason.
“Look, I’m not going to tell you what to do, Raphi, but you should just give it a chance, okay? You don’t have to work out what it is you are right now. Go with the fucking flow and be with the person you care about. Doesn’t fucking matter if he’s male, yeah? Do what makes you happy.”
“Don’t you think that’s the pot calling the kettle black?”
He gave me a dark look.
“Shut up, it’s not the same thing.”
I shouldn’t push him on the subject, but he had screwed up with the person who made him happy.
“Is it not? When are you going to man the fuck up and sort your shit out with her then?”
“She doesn’t want to see me, Raphi. What do you want me to do? Force her? I can’t do that. It’s already fucked up enough as it is. Don’t need to make it worse.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Oh yeah, it’s fucked up all right. When are you going to tell our parents, hmm? Because I’m pretty sure they’d like to know.”
I might have been awfully cruel to Jonah three years ago, but the shit Duke had got himself into? Well, it was a hundred times worse.
“How about never?”
“No? You don’t want me to show them the bit of paper you keep in your drawer proving just how much you royally fucked up then?”
His knife and fork clattered on the plate before he pointed a finger at me.
“Don’t you fucking dare, Raphi. I mean it. You promised me you’d keep your mouth shut.”
“I’m not breaking my promise, Duke. I just think you need to take your own advice.”
He looked down at his plate.
“I’ll think about it. So should you. He’s not going to wait around forever for you to get your shit together.”
I knew he wouldn’t. It would be unfair of me to expect him to. It didn’t stop me wanting to see Jonah. From wanting to touch him. I was screwed up.
“I know. I’ll think about it too.”
Duke and I were like two fucking peas in a pod. All we did was think. Perhaps we needed to act. Act on what we wanted instead of being chicken shit. I could do that. I might not have made up my mind, but one thing was for sure. I didn’t want to deny myself now I’d experienced mind-blowing sex.
You should not text him to see if he’s free when you haven’t made up your mind. How fucked up are you!
I stared down at my hands. It made me feel like shit, but I was that fucked up about Jonah. So fucked up that when I left the Syndicate, I had a hard time not pulling my phone out and seeing if he was around.
Fuck.
Chapter Twenty Four
I couldn’t stop myself glancing at my phone every five minutes like some fucking lovesick fool waiting for the boy he’s obsessed with to contact him. The ball was in Raphi’s court. He had a decision to make. I wasn’t going to pressure him even if I wanted an answer. Needed one with every fucking passing second.
Here I was, stuck at my part-time job in the care home Grandma volunteered at, moping around the place. Even one of the residents when they passed by reception asked me why the long face. I didn’t mind the work. It wasn’t difficult. I didn’t technically need the extra money with my student loan covering my expenses but I hated being idle and the girl who worked at reception had gone on long-term sick.
Robin had attempted to persuade me to stay in Durham for the summer but I needed to come back to London for Meredith. I wanted to help her prepare for university since Mum and Grandma were useless. Besides, I felt awkward being around Robin since we’d spent the night together. He’d gone back to his old ways of fucking anything which moved. His fucking spree didn’t bother me. It was more every time I looked at him, I wished I’d waited. The person who should have been my first was Raphi.
You are a fool.
I didn’t think losing my virginity was a big deal. Only now I knew what true passion felt like, I had second thoughts about my decision to give it to Robin.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. As there was no one around, I pulled it out and stared down at the message.
Raphael: Are you free?
I swallowed.
Jonah: I’m at work. Will be done at like 6.
Raphael: Can I see you this evening then?
Had he made up his mind already? It didn’t seem like it would be the case. He would have said.
Why did he want to see me?
Jonah: When and where?
Raphael: Mine… whenever you want to come over.
His words made me swallow again.
Jonah: I have to do dinner. Is eight or nine, okay?
Raphael: Yes. Just text me when you’re here.
My mind raced with possible outcomes to me going to see him.
Would he tell me he wanted us to be together?
Would he tell me he didn’t?
Would it be about something else?
Did he just want to spend time with me?
I shook myself and stuffed my phone back in my pocket. Now was not the time to be worrying about this shit. I had to get on with work.
The rest of the day dragged. The resident who’d commented about my dreary face earlier said I looked happier before I left for the day. He was a nice man who said hello to everyone who came through the doors, loitering around the entrance to the care home much to the care workers’ annoyance. They wished Mr Kavana
gh would stay in the lounge with the other residents.
During dinner, Meredith kept talking to me but I was too busy fretting over what would happen later to respond with more than one-word answers. By the time I left my house and got on the bus, I was a fucking mess inside.
Get a grip!
I couldn’t. My nerve endings burnt and my heart was racing out of control. The thought of being near him made my mouth water. I shouldn’t be having dirty thoughts about him. Shoving them away, I tried to focus on something else. Anything.
How can I when he is all I can think about?
Pretending was futile. I wanted to see him. Wanted to touch him. Have him touch me. I just fucking well plain wanted everything that came with Raphi and me.
By the time I stood outside his house, I was breathing heavily and I had no idea how to stop. The thought of him being next to me had driven me crazy.
Jonah: I’m outside.
It took a minute before the front door was pulled open. There he stood in a t-shirt and shorts without his glasses on.
“Come in.”
I walked up the steps and into the house I’d always been super curious about. He shut the door quickly, took my hand and dragged me down the hallway. We turned into another corridor. I didn’t know what the rush was, but I tried to keep pace with him.
Raphi shoved me through a doorway and all but slammed the door closed behind us. I heard the distinct sound of a lock turning. I barely had a chance to turn around when he was on me. His hands were in my hair and his mouth on my lips. My back hit the wall next to his door. His body pressed into mine as he kissed me, hunting my tongue down.
“Jonah,” he groaned.
I had no idea what the fuck to do other than to surrender. My body did it of its own accord whilst I battled with my response to his boldness. He pressed his lips to my jaw, kissing his way down to my ear. His fingers ran down my chest, diving beneath my t-shirt.
“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he murmured in my ear. “About this.” He ground into me. “I want to touch you so fucking much.”
My breath whooshed out of me with his words. His fingers were at my jeans, tugging at the buttons. I barely had time to form a sentence as his hand stroked across my cock. My body trembled as I grew hard. How could I not? Raphi was touching me. His exploring fingers made me feel alive. His teeth grazed along my earlobe. A strangled cry of pleasure left my mouth.
“I think you like this. Do I make you as fucking hot and bothered as you do me?”
“Yes,” I panted without thinking too hard about it.
“Good… there’s so much I want to do to you.”
His hand delved beneath my boxers, wrapping around my half-hard cock as he kissed down my neck. The rational part of me should tell him to stop. He got buried under all the desire and need Raphi brought out in me. Especially when he stroked my cock.
“Raphael,” I whimpered.
“Shh, I’m going to take care of you, J.”
His hand left my cock, then both of them grabbed a hold of my clothes, tugging them halfway down my thighs. I sucked in air when Raphi dropped to his knees. His hands ran up my bare legs. I looked down in time to see him lean closer and run his tongue up my shaft.
“Oh. What—”
My words died in my throat. His mouth had closed around the head of my cock. The very last thing I expected was for him to go down on me. I stared at his chestnut head, wondering what the fuck I had done to deserve this heaven. My body didn’t care about us talking. My body wanted Raphi. And I gave in, burying my hand in his hair as he swirled his tongue around me.
He pulled back for a moment and stared up at me with those verdant green eyes full of possessiveness. They made me want to give him every part of me.
He already has you, idiot. You’ve given in.
“Do you want me to make you come?”
I nodded, biting my lip.
“I want you to tell me if I’m doing it right. Tell me what you need.”
“Okay,” I whispered, not trusting my voice.
His mouth was on me again as his fingers wrapped around the base, stroking up and down. For someone who’d never done this before, he didn’t hesitate for a second. I might have underestimated how much Raphi liked me… and desired me.
He was careful as he took more of my cock. His tongue curled around my shaft. I had no words. His mouth was wet and warm. It felt so fucking good.
“Yes, fuck.”
My fingers dug into his scalp, encouraging him to keep going. His other hand stroked up my thigh before he cupped my balls, playing with them as he worked my dick in his mouth.
“Raphi,” I groaned. “Fuck, don’t stop.”
Never in my life had I been this turned on by another person. His hands on me scrambled my brain, making it hard to think straight. There was nothing rational about letting him suck my dick like this. Nor would there be when I’d no doubt beg him to fuck me after this.
I want it, fuck how I want it.
“Please, fuck, Raphi… I want you in me.”
My mouth had run away with me. I let out a cry of protest when he pulled off my cock.
“The way you sound so needy turns me on.”
“You make me needy.”
I couldn’t believe what I’d said. Raphi’s eyes turned dark. Like me admitting these things pleased him no end.
“Do I now? Does that mean you’re going to beg?”
“Do you want me to?”
The sly smile he gave me made my pulse quicken.
“You already know the answer.”
I swallowed. Oh, I did. I fucking well did.
“If I beg, will you fuck me?”
“Make me believe you want it.”
His taunting tone made my dick throb. Raphi had never struck me as the confident or dominant type in an intimate setting. And I’d have never thought I would find it this arousing. But… fuck did I.
“Please make me come first.”
Oh god, his smile.
It was wicked and deviant.
“With pleasure.”
He pulled something out of his pocket and flipped the cap on the bottle. It made it clear he’d planned on us having sex when he asked me over. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it, but right then, I was on board for every part of it.
He coated his fingers in lube, dumping the bottle down and gripping my dick in his hand. His lube coated fingers delved underneath me. On instinct, I widened my stance to allow him better access. I let out a pant when he touched my hole and his mouth enclosed over my cock. The extra sensation almost sent me over the edge. My hand in his hair tightened since I hadn’t let go.
This didn’t feel like it had done when I’d lost my virginity to Robin. Being at Raphi’s mercy was like a drug, intoxicating me and making me want to fall deeper into whatever fucked up madness had overtaken us.
I cried out when he slid his finger inside me, not quite expecting it but loving it all the same. He worked me with both his mouth and his finger. I struggled to hold on to the last shred of sanity I had left.
“Raphi,” I groaned. “Fuck, I’m going to… fuck.”
He didn’t stop. If anything, he sucked harder. And when he slid a second finger inside me, I was done. I let out this ridiculously high pitched whimper as my cock erupted in his mouth. He looked up at me, his eyes full of heat and I could do nothing but watch myself come apart for him. My knees threatened to buckle when I was spent. He pulled his mouth from me and swallowed. Then he smiled as I let go of his hair and planted my hands on the wall to keep myself upright.
“You done, J?” he taunted as he continued to thrust his fingers inside me.
“No,” I panted even though I didn’t know if I could take any more.
He slid his fingers from me, picked up the bottle and rose to his full height.
“Turn around.”
The way he said it was like a command. I could do nothin
g but obey. I turned around and faced away from him. He leant into me, his hand between us as he slid his fingers back inside me. His lips brushed against my ear, making me shiver.
“Hands against the wall.”
I did as he said, planting them palms down against it.
“You’re so good for me,” he murmured, teeth running along my earlobe. “But I’m still going to fuck you until you can’t take any more.”
I don’t know why the thought of it made my already-spent cock twitch. He kissed my cheek and down my jaw.
“You’re so fucking hot like this, do you know that?” He pressed his front to my back, grinding his hard cock through his shorts against my bare behind. “All I’ve been able to think about is this. You like this up against my wall. It’s driven me insane.”
He slid a third finger inside me, stretching me out further which had me panting more. Knowing he’d had filthy thoughts about me was a surprise given how adamant Raphi had been three years ago about not wanting to be in a relationship with a man. Not wanting me. Those had been lies. It had never been about me. It had always been about him. His view of himself. It was my biggest hurdle when it came to the man behind me. I needed him to accept himself, then he could be open about being with me.
“You want to fuck me like this?” I whispered.
“So much.”
“Then fuck me, I want your cock inside me.”
“I’m going to.”
“Do it.”
“Patience, J. I don’t want to hurt you.”
I had none. My cock was already springing back into life at the thought of him taking me like this.
“You won’t… please, I need you in me.”
He licked my neck as his fingers continued to thrust inside me. It wasn’t enough. I wanted to feel him. All of him.
“Raphi, please. Fuck me.”
My voice was all breathy with my desperation.
“How can I say no when you’re begging?”
He tugged his fingers from me. I could feel and hear him fumbling behind me. My head turned further. He had his shorts tugged down, his cock in his hand whilst he rolled on a condom. Then he squirted lube into his hand and covered himself in it before pushing the rest inside me. I rocked back against him, which only made him smile.