by Sarah Bailey
I’d promised myself I would not get jealousy issues over him hanging out with other people, especially not girls. Insecurity kept rearing its ugly fucking head because Raphi couldn’t be honest about us being together with anyone else but Duke.
“What girls?”
I almost smacked my hand against my head.
You couldn’t leave it alone, could you?
“Immi, Tara and Erica. They’re cool, if a bit posh.”
Do they like him? What if they ask if he’s single? What’s he going to say? That he is? He’s not. He’s mine.
I hated myself for those thoughts. He hadn’t mentioned those three girls before. Maybe it’s what set me off. Who fucking knew? I had to keep my shit together.
Raphi reached out and took one of my hands off the menu, entwining our fingers together on the table. I stared down at them, wondering if my insecurities were written all over my face. If he was capable of reading my moods.
“I told them about you.”
My eyes flicked up to his, shock rushing through my system.
“What?”
“Well, I said I was seeing someone. They asked me all sorts of questions. I didn’t answer, just said you were special, which you are, by the way. So special, cuore mio.”
I swear my heart was going to burst out of my chest, it was so full. Raphi had admitted to people other than Duke he was taken. We were together. It might not be his parents, but it was another giant leap for him.
“I didn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea, you know, because I’m yours.”
“Raphi…”
“Don’t make this into a big deal, J, please. It’s not like I said you’re a guy and I have a…” he faltered.
Raphi had a huge issue with saying the word boyfriend. I never called him it to his face. I’d not asked him why he couldn’t say it. For some reason, I didn’t think he had an explanation other than his inability to accept who he was.
“I’m not. I’m happy you could admit you have a partner is all. You have me.”
He gave me a smile.
“You’re all I need.”
I swear my smile got way too wide. It was these moments which made the secrets worthwhile. Knowing I was the person he wanted. We didn’t need anyone else. Just us together like this.
“Okay, since you’ve been here tons, you can tell me what’s good.”
He grinned wider and started talking up the menu to me. He didn’t let go of my hand even after we’d ordered and been served drinks. This was his baby step towards being open. I appreciated it more than I could say. He didn’t want me to make a fuss, so I wouldn’t. I’d keep my joy inside.
“I’m glad you came,” he said after a moment’s silence. “I’ve missed you… a lot. Like uni has kept me busy and all, but when I’m alone, you’re who I think about. When you said you were coming down, I couldn’t wait to see you.”
“Is that why you wanted to surprise me at the station?”
“Yeah… and I knew it’d make you happy.”
I looked away, knowing I was only going to start blushing again.
“It did.”
“You sure this is okay? I don’t want you having a ton of work to do when you get back.”
I shrugged. It didn’t matter if I had to pull some late nights to get it done. My last year was kind of kicking my arse already, but I could deal. I had to do well then I could secure a postgraduate place. Besides, I’d studied on the way down here and planned to do more on the way home on Sunday evening.
“It’s fine, I promise. I needed to see you.”
He looked at me like he wanted to kiss me, but he didn’t. A step too far for him right now. When we got back to his room, he’d be all over me. There was the undercurrent of need in the air between us. The desire to reaffirm our connection on a physical level.
“I take it Mer has forgiven you for her and Cole.”
His change of subject took me by surprise.
“Um, yeah, to be honest, she wasn’t that mad with me in the first place. More upset with him. I spent all of half-term trying to make her feel better, which I don’t think worked, but what else could I do? I don’t think she’s over him now even if she told me she wants to forget all about him.”
“He never told me what happened, she did. He doesn’t like talking about it. I’ve made my own assumptions about why he ended it despite how he feels about her.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“And those would be?”
He fiddled his napkin, giving me a half shrug.
“He didn’t want to make her choose between you and him. Cole is a lot of things, but he’s not heartless. He values family. Pretty sure he knows how much you mean to her. Her superhero big brother.”
“I didn’t feel much like a superhero that day.”
He rubbed his thumb over mine.
“You’re allowed to make mistakes, J. She’s your little sister. I know all about protective family members.”
I smiled and turned the conversation to less charged topics, like how university was going for him. We spent the rest of our time at the restaurant laughing and joking with each other. I had a finite amount of time with him before I had to get back. I wasn’t going to waste it with conversations about things best left in the past.
It wasn’t a long walk to his student halls. This time, he didn’t hold my hand but I didn’t mind too much. We went straight up to his room, bypassing the communal areas and didn’t encounter anyone on the way. Raphi said most people were probably getting ready to go out clubbing or down the student union bar. He unlocked his door and tugged me in. His room was a decent size for student accommodation. He took my bag from me and set it down on his desk before sliding out of his coat and hanging it up behind the door. I gave him mine and then we stood staring at each other for a long moment.
“Do you want to watch a film or do you want to…?” He indicated the bed with his head.
I couldn’t fight my smile as I reached out and took his hand.
“I want you to come here and kiss me.”
He stepped closer, bringing his other hand up to cup my face. His thumb ran along my cheek, those green eyes holding so many emotions.
“Mmm, have you missed my lips, J?”
“Yes.”
“What else have you missed?”
I reached up and ran my hand down his chest.
“This… all of this. All of you.”
His smile turned wicked, making me swallow hard.
“Can’t have that now.” Raphi leant closer, brushing his mouth over mine. “I better make sure I remind you exactly what you’ve been missing then, shouldn’t I?”
“Please,” I breathed, desperate for everything he had to offer.
“So. Fucking. Needy.”
Then he kissed me and I was lost.
Chapter Thirty Five
He’d been waiting for it. For me to kiss him senseless. Ever since he’d spied me at the station, he’d had the look in his eyes. The desperate, needy one which scrambled my brain every single time I saw it. The one telling me he needed me to pin him down and take what I wanted.
I shoved my tongue in his mouth, gripping his face harder. My body pushed him back against the door, showing him who was in charge. Let’s face it, Jonah always let me be in control. He thrived off it. He adored the way I kissed the shit out of him. Showing him how much I’d missed the taste of him on my tongue. Missed every inch of his hard body against mine. The way he moulded to me every time we came together like this, in a clash of desire and fucking need.
“Raphi,” he whimpered as I traced a path down his jaw with my tongue.
“Tell me what you want,” I murmured into his skin.
“You.”
It was clear by the way his body arched into mine. I could feel his hard cock rubbing against me. His movements told me what he wanted, but I needed to hear it from his mouth. My hand slid from his face to his neck, loosely gr
ipping it. My lips pressed to his ear.
“Not good enough, J. What exactly do you want?”
I sounded stern and unyielding even to my ears. It was all flooding out. I was untethered and unravelling because I’d been keeping my true self under lock and key. Only Jonah got to see this side of me. This man who liked to control everything in the bedroom. He trusted me not to go too far. I could be real with him. I could be me.
He swallowed at my words, the bobbing of his Adam’s apple hitting my palm.
“I want you to fuck me hard. I need it.”
“Need it, huh? Maybe I should make you ask me nicely. You only get what you want if you’re good.”
His harsh pant only turned me on further. I held myself back from showing him how much I wanted him. He didn’t yet deserve my passion. My fire. My need to pound his tight little hole without a fucking care how rough I was.
“Please, I want your cock inside me, Raphi. Please give it to me. Give me what I need.”
I shook my head, grazing my teeth over his earlobe. He whined in protest.
“You’re going to sit on my cock like you were made to and show me you deserve to be fucked hard.”
My hand around his neck tightened, demonstrating my seriousness. I could feel him trembling with all his pent up need. It was like a fucking heady cocktail, intoxicating me with his desire.
“I’ll show you. I’ll be good.”
I smiled because fuck did he make me crazy. Jonah just did something to me. I let go of his neck and stepped back, taking in the wild look in his eyes, the flush of his cheeks and his hands fisted at his sides.
This was us. This was all us. Every part of our fucked up broken selves on show. We weren’t normal. We weren’t anything but two lost souls who kept drowning over and over. But we were each other’s. When we were alone like this, all alone where we could be us, there were no barriers or walls. There was no judgement. There was nothing but this. Us. Me and him.
I started to strip out of my clothes, taking my glasses off and popping them on the desk. His eyes tracked my movements as I backed away towards my bed by the window. I could see his chest rising and falling rapidly with his ragged breath.
“Come show me,” I told him as I sat up against the headboard of my bed.
He stayed against the door for two beats. When he moved, it was slow and cautious. I tugged the lube and condom I’d stashed off the windowsill and placed them on the covers. Jonah stripped with careful precision as if he was deliberately making me wait. I didn’t care as it gave me a chance to admire him. To take in the way his muscles flexed with his movements. How his light green eyes were dark with arousal. The way he smiled at me with such wicked intent to drive me crazy. Fuck, he was so free right then. As if he’d embraced everything we were to each other and our serious problems, which would rear their ugly heads sooner or later, were dust in the wind. They floated away as the physical need took over.
Our bodies wanted to do the talking, not our mouths. No, our mouths wanted to kiss, fuck and love.
When he was bare, he crawled over me and straddled my hips. His smile grew lazy and languid. His fingers ran down my chest, making me stifle a groan. How did his touch have the power to render me incapable of doing anything else other than give in? Let him carry me off on the waves of pleasure. Watching him take both his cock and mine in his hand and stroke them together had me panting out his name like a fucking prayer.
“Give it to me,” he murmured. “I know you want to.”
The way he was staring at me had my heart pumping like wildfire in my chest. I grabbed the lube, not really giving a shit it was him telling me to do it. He was right. I did want to give it to him. I ached to be deep inside his body, showing him how much I desired the connection between us. Desired this man with every breath I took. Every beat of my heart. Every inch of my fucking soul cried out to keep him forever.
You don’t deserve Jonah, and you know it.
I don’t fucking care. He’s mine. Mine. Fuck, he’s all mine.
I popped the cap and coated my fingers. The moment I touched his hot skin, stroking over his tight entrance, he let out a whimper. Those fucking sounds he made were the music to my damn soul. More came as I circled him, making him grind against me as he continued to stroke both of our cocks in unison.
“Raphi,” he moaned as I slid my finger in him.
He rocked against my hand as I worked him open, knowing exactly what he needed before I fucked him good and hard.
“Good,” I grunted. “So fucking good for me.”
“Please, please.”
He was the one who grabbed the condom and ripped it open with his teeth, his green eyes glowing with desperation to have me. I bit my lip as he rolled it on before coating my cock with lube. My fingers slid from him as he shifted up on his knees. And then he sunk down on my cock like I’d told him to before we’d got on the bed. His hand curled around my shoulder to keep steady. His eyes were on mine, taking in my reactions. Taking in the way I’d clenched my jaw shut tight. He was fucking tight. I fought against every instinct to shove him down on me as I gripped his hips, my fingers digging into his skin.
“You’re desperate to fuck me, aren’t you?” his whispered breath came. “You want to pin me down on my stomach and take me with everything you have. I can see in your fucking eyes, Raphi. I can see how much you’re holding back.”
I grunted, the sound echoing around my skull as he bottomed out. My tells were obvious to him. We’d learnt so much about each other in the time we’d spent together over the summer. The intensity tonight had ratcheted up a notch since we’d been apart for weeks.
“You want me to show you I deserve it? I will. You can stop holding back. You can fuck me the way you and I need.”
He rose and fell on my cock, proving he’d do what I asked of him. Giving me what I craved. Him. All of him. My grip on his hip was probably painful, but he didn’t make a comment. No, he stared at me as he rode me. His eyes dared me. Taunted and teased me. They told me to stop being so fucking tense. To relax and give in to what we both wanted.
Jonah leant closer, his mouth brushing over mine, “Give in. Fuck me. Give it to me deep and hard. Don’t hold back. Don’t stop. Just give in.”
Each word had my cock throbbing inside him. Had it aching with the need to do exactly as he said. I might be the one in charge of what happened, but Jonah had me wrapped around his little finger. He knew how to get what he wanted from me. So I did. I gave in. As he pulled up, I pushed him down, thrusting upwards to give him all of my cock. He yelped, his eyes going wide as I did it again.
“This is what you asked for,” I told him, biting down on his bottom lip in the process. “What you need. You want me to have no mercy. That’s why you fucking well taunted me.”
Before he knew what was happening, I’d pulled him off me and slid out from underneath him. My hand went to his neck, shoving him down on my bed as I sat up on my knees behind him. I stared at my man waiting for me to do as I pleased. He didn’t protest or try to dislodge my hand from the back of his neck.
“If you want my cock again, you better fucking show me.”
There was no hesitation in his movements as he reached back and spread himself for me. I bit down on my bottom lip to stop from groaning at the sight of his compliance. The sight of him like this. I lost the fucking will to keep myself under control any longer as I leant over him. As I shoved my cock back inside him, making him moan. I gave it to him, fucking him into my mattress like my life depended on it.
“Raphi, fuck,” he panted.
My hand was still wrapped around the back of his neck as my body pinned him to the bed. My lips were at his ear, kissing and sucking the lobe as I fucked him with punishing strokes.
“I missed you,” I whispered, unable to stop the words any longer. “I’ve missed you every fucking second. I can’t do this without you. I’m drowning, J. I’m fucking drowning.”
I�
�d hidden all of my bullshit inside me for the past few weeks. Locked it down so I could concentrate on starting university. It festered there, making me crazy. Being without Jonah had left me vulnerable and lonely. Being away from my family should have been freeing, but it wasn’t. It was fucking me up worse. I didn’t have my brother right there to calm me. My parents to keep me from falling. I was alone. All a-fucking-lone.
“You’re my anchor. My fucking lifeline. I didn’t know how much I needed you until you were no longer there for me to touch, hold and care for. You are the best thing in my life. I hope you know that. I hope you realise how much you mean to me because I would break if you were gone. I would fucking disintegrate.”
I didn’t realise I was crying until my tears hit his cheek. The frustration with myself had bubbled over. Brought on by the intensity of this experience with him. Fuelled by my longing and loneliness.
I love you, Jonah. I fucking well love you. And I don’t know how to be the man you deserve. I’m scared I’ll never be able to find a way to accept myself enough to give you what you need.
If we parted, I’d be left with scars on my heart. Scars on my fucking soul. He’d marked me. He’d fucking branded himself on my skin. On my damn heart.
I didn’t understand how I could love someone else so much and yet hate myself with the same intensity. With the same fucking breath.
“Raphi,” he choked out.
“No, don’t say anything. Don’t… I can’t take it.” I kissed his damp skin where my tears had fallen. Where they were still falling. “I feel too much. Too fucking much and I can’t do it any longer. I just can’t. So don’t say a word. Just be here. Be here for me… please.”
He nodded against my lips before his hands came up and rested by his head. It was his way of showing his supplication. I wrapped my free hand around his, our fingers linking together. A physical manifestation of our bond with each other.
Jonah gave himself to me without a word. He let me use his body to drive away my fucking demons. To lose myself in the delirious pleasure and ecstasy. He moaned and whimpered with each one of my punishing thrusts, but he didn’t speak. He didn’t try to tell me it was going to be okay. I think deep down, he knew the truth. It wasn’t going to be okay for me. I would continue to suffer when he went back to Durham and left me in London without his calming presence and soothing touch. I would suffer in silence.