Our Darkest Scar

by Sarah Bailey

Our parents saw us all as their children regardless of who had a hand in making us.

  “You’re making me emotional,” I murmured.

  Those tears were pricking again. I was so full of happiness, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Some days I couldn’t believe I actually felt happy and content. It was like a miracle after being in the dark for so long.

  “I feel emotional today, monkey. Our family is almost whole again.”

  It would be when Cole came home, which he was due to very soon for Aurora’s wedding. Mum had been ecstatic to find out her baby girl was getting married and her youngest son was returning to the UK.

  I looked over the assembly of people in the living room. Quinn and Rory stood with my Grandpa and Lily. Grandma was with Aurora and Logan. Dad was still standing by the door to the dining room. Duke stood with Kira watching me and Xav with a smile on his face.

  “Did Mum speak to Cole today?”

  “He video-called us earlier to wish Ash a happy birthday. The boy got a tan since he’s been sunning himself up whilst we’re all freezing our arses off here.”

  I snorted. We were coming out of winter into spring, and it had been pretty cold for the past couple of months.

  “Aren’t you going away with the rest of them after Rora’s wedding? You can attempt a tan then.”

  Xav rolled his eyes. The five of them were going to the Maldives for three weeks. I’d been surprised Rory agreed, but it was their thirtieth anniversary and Quinn’s sixtieth birthday this year. Crazy to think my parents had been together that long, but it was a testament to their bond and love for each other.

  “You know I just burn in the sun, right?”

  “Poor you, I’m lucky I got Dad’s complexion.”

  “Mmm, you grew up handsome like your dad, no wonder you’ve been fighting them off with a stick.”

  I prodded his chest.

  “Shut up, I have not.”

  It’s not that I hadn’t dated or been with anyone since the fateful day I broke up with Jonah, but it wasn’t a priority for me. Getting better had been. Xav was referring to the time a woman had asked me out at work. I’d respectfully declined. Then I’d had a guy hit on me whilst I’d been at a Christmas Market with Mum, Dad and Xav last year, which was extremely awkward. No one wants to get hit on when their parents are right next to them. I don’t think he realised who they were, but I’d been left blushing. Xav had wound me up about it ever since.

  “I know, I know. You’re not a ladies’ or gentleman’s man like my idiotic son has been.”

  I laughed. Xav was well aware of Duke’s faults, as was I.

  “He’s not so idiotic now.” I waved at Duke and Kira. “He got his shit together.”

  “I’ve always told him she was the one, but he didn’t want to listen to me.”

  “A father’s intuition, was it?”

  Xav shrugged and winked at me.

  “More like you’d have to be stupid not to notice the way he’s always looked at her. He never listened to anyone else but that girl. Duke needed time for his heart to catch up to his head.”

  “Like you with Dad then.”

  Xav gave me a dark look.

  “And you wonder why I’ve always called you a cheeky monkey.”

  “Well, I am Dad’s son, not sure why you’re surprised.”

  He gave me a squeeze.

  “You should go help said Dad finish up dinner for your mum.”

  “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

  “Maybe.”

  I ducked out from under his arm and smiled.

  “No wonder Mum calls you trouble.”

  “I’ll have you know she calls me treasure, not trouble.”

  “Sometimes you are trouble, tesoro,” Mum called from where she’d joined Quinn, Rory and my grandparents.

  “Angel, don’t be giving our son ammunition against me.”

  “As if you haven’t given him enough already.”

  I shook my head as I followed Dad from the living room, who was chuckling at the exchange.

  “That man will never stop being trouble,” he said as we made into the kitchen.

  “Duke’s reformed, so why can’t Xav?”

  Dad snorted and checked the dishes in the oven.

  “You try reforming a man whose goal in life is to wind everyone up all day. Besides, I wouldn’t change him for the world. He makes me happy.”

  “Gross, Dad, I don’t want to know about what he does to you.”

  He grinned.

  “What? You don’t want your old man to be happy?”

  “Don’t mention being old, Quinn might have a fit if he hears you.”

  Dad laughed and shook his head. Quinn did not like being reminded about his age, especially not from Mum. She’d started calling him an old man recently. The last time he’d carried her out of the room and told her just because she was in her fifties, didn’t mean she didn’t still require discipline. Me and Duke had found it amusing until we realised the implications of what he meant. Then we’d both felt a little sick. My parents were not shy about their relationship no matter how much it embarrassed us kids.

  “You’re right. No need to ruin Ash’s birthday with all of that nonsense. I’m hoping your grandmother will be on her best behaviour so there’s no drama there either.”

  “Grandma has literally got nothing to complain about.”

  Dad rolled his eyes.

  “You know Bella always finds something to complain about regardless.”

  I got the plates out from the cupboard.

  “You’re right, but it’s Mum’s birthday and I want her to have a good day. She deserves it. The rock in our family, keeping us all from falling apart.”

  Dad walked over and gave me a squeeze.

  “She is. Let’s make sure she has the best day, hey? Even if we have to work hard to keep the peace.”

  I grinned.

  “You can count on me, Dad.”

  The way he smiled made my chest hurt with happiness. This part of my life was wonderful, but one person was missing. One person who I couldn’t stop loving even if I tried. And in all honesty, I hadn’t made an effort to.

  If Jonah couldn’t forgive me or wouldn’t see me, I’d accept it and try to move on. My heart had refused to let me do so all this time because we had unfinished businesses as far as it was concerned. Just as Jonah told me six and a half years ago, on the day I walked away from our relationship, I was it for him, he was it for me.

  I’ll make amends to you, Jonah Pope. I’ll make sure you know it wasn’t your fault. You weren’t to blame.

  I might have left him with scars. The same ones I owned. But I was determined to heal them. Only if he let me. I would never do anything to hurt him again. I wasn’t broken any longer. And I’d learnt how to be a man who could deserve him. I’d be the man he could rely on when I’d made up for my wrongs… if he let me.

  Chapter Forty One

  Meredith and I had been sitting together in a bar for half an hour already. I didn’t know how to broach the subject of her brother with her. Now I was going to see if she would be willing to ask Jonah to let me apologise to him, I found myself nervous. I didn’t know how she felt about me when it came to him.

  “You’re really okay?” she asked, giving me a smile as she fiddled with her glass.

  “Yeah, I am. It feels like I can breathe again.”

  She reached over and put her hand over mine.

  “I’m glad… no, scratch that, I’m fucking happy. I know it’s been hard, but you totally deserve to be happy, you know that, right?”

  I nodded. It might have taken me a long time, but I’d got there. I realised the only person I was battling against was myself. I turned the tables and learnt how to love myself.

  “I do. I really do.”

  She cocked her head to the side.

  “I’m sensing there’s a but here, Raphi.”

  I sighed
and looked out over the bar. It’s like Marvin always told me, you had to rip the bandage off. There was no point in stalling and waiting around for opportunities to drop into your lap. You had to go out and make them for yourself. I wondered what he’d think of me doing this. He knew all about Jonah, but I never told him how I planned to resolve my past with the boy whose heart I’d broken. It had nothing to do with my recovery. It was about me coming to terms with who I was inside.

  “I didn’t ask to meet up just to celebrate the whole end of counselling thing.”

  “Well, you know we don’t need some jumped up excuse to hang out though, right?”

  I smiled despite my nerves.

  “Yeah. It’s just… fuck, I don’t know how to ask you this.”

  I hoped she didn’t think this had anything to do with Cole. We didn’t discuss him. My brother had been gone for a long time now. He’d asked us not to tell her he was coming back home. Cole didn’t know how she would take it and honestly, neither did I. Meredith had seemingly moved on, but I think she still loved Cole. No, I knew she did. Cole loved her too. He’d been pestering me to tell him where she lived. I did know, but I’d never been there because she shared her flat with Jonah. If I didn’t tell him, Cole would find out by himself. I might as well give in at this point.

  “We don’t have secrets anymore, so lay it out on the table.”

  I had one big secret. I still loved her brother. You’d think six and a half years would have dulled that. How could you love someone you hadn’t seen in years? It was easy when the person was the one you couldn’t forget. The one you wished you hadn’t hurt so badly. I wasn’t sure I’d forgiven myself for breaking his heart. It’s why I had to make amends. I’d sought forgiveness for everything else I’d done in life, but when it came to Jonah Pope, I was still paying the price over and over again.

  “But this is a big ask.”

  Meredith gave me a look as if to say give it to me straight or I’ll force it out of you.

  “Raphi, you’re one of my oldest friends and this is clearly important, so tell me.”

  I stared down into my glass and took a deep breath.

  “Do you think your brother will let me apologise to him?”

  Meredith didn’t say anything straight away. I looked up at her. Those green eyes which reminded me of Jonah’s were full of understanding. I hadn’t been expecting it.

  “If I’m completely honest, I don’t actually know. Jonah is…”

  “He’s what?”

  I’d never asked after him. I had no idea what he was doing. It didn’t seem right to dig for information from his sister when I was the one in the wrong.

  “He’s in a weird place right now.”

  “Oh… then maybe it’s not a good idea for me to see him.”

  She squeezed my hand and smiled.

  “I think he needs closure from what happened between you.”

  “He does? Has he said something about me?”

  She shook her head.

  “No, he’s not said anything. I just know him. It’s been a long time and he’s happy in a lot of ways. He did it, you know, became a Chartered Psychologist like he’s always wanted. He loves his career so much.”

  Knowing that warmed my heart. He hadn’t fallen apart. Even though it was difficult for both of us, I had to set him free all those years ago to allow him to achieve his goals without me. He would never see it this way, but I was a burden to him back then. I was a fucking burden to myself. I wasn’t capable of being in a relationship. Of giving another person my all because I couldn’t even take care of myself.

  “That’s amazing… I’m happy he has. He worked so hard and I would have hated knowing he didn’t get there in the end.”

  “It’s funny because what he does now is exactly what you needed all those years ago… he’s a counselling psychologist like Marvin.”

  Jonah must have known what was going on with me back then. He had to have. No wonder he wanted to help me so badly. I wasn’t in a place to listen. I wasn’t in a place to be good for anyone, especially not him.

  “I think he knew I had depression even though I didn’t.”

  “He’s rather astute. To be honest, I can’t get anything by him. He’s like a hawk when it comes to my emotions.”

  It sounded exactly like Jonah. Always putting everyone else first.

  “He loves you, Mer. You’re the most important person in the world to him.”

  She waved me off and grinned.

  “Oh, I know. That’s never changed.”

  We sat in silence for a few minutes, sipping from our drinks.

  “What’s he got to be unhappy about? If it’s okay to ask. You don’t have to tell me.”

  Meredith appraised me for a long moment, her green eyes full of conflicting emotions.

  “He’s not really dated much since everything ended with you. I think he has a lot of confidence issues surrounding guys. Jonah doesn’t trust people easily. Don’t think of this as being your fault or that I’m blaming you, but honestly, I’m worried about him. It’s why I think he needs closure. So, I’m glad you brought it up. I’m glad you’re ready to say sorry because I think he needs to hear it even if he doesn’t know it yet.”

  My heart hurt knowing he hadn’t moved beyond us. I wanted him to find someone who deserved him.

  “He’s not with anyone right now, is he?”

  “No. He doesn’t have much of a social life. Work is his entire world and it takes its toll on him because, you know, he’s sensitive to emotions.”

  I shouldn’t feel relief at the fact he wasn’t seeing anyone, but I did. It meant there was a tiny chance for me. I wasn’t expecting anything but it gave me hope and hope meant everything to me.

  “Why do you ask?”

  I swallowed hard and took a sip of my drink.

  “Because… because I still love your brother. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t tell him if he was to agree to see me. I don’t want to hurt or upset him. This is purely me wanting to apologise for what I did to him.”

  I wasn’t expecting her to sit back and smile at me.

  “I knew it. I knew you still had feelings for him.” She clapped her hands together. “You and J belong together in my opinion, and this confirms it.”

  “What?”

  “We’ll just have work at it, Raphi, get him to see he needs to open his heart back up to you.”

  I stared at her, wondering why, after everything I did to her brother, she would help me get him back. Because, ultimately, it’s what I wanted. I wasn’t going to hide or deny it.

  “Have you lost your mind?”

  “Nope. I’m going to ask him tonight when I get in if he’ll see you. I won’t tell him anything other than you want to apologise to him. I’ll get him to say yes. Then you can see him and say your thing. Tell him how well you’re doing now. We’ll see what happens after that, but I’m determined to make sure you two get back together.”

  I couldn’t speak for a long moment. Why on earth would she want us to be together?

  “Can I ask what the hell has brought this on? You do remember what happened between me and Jonah, right?”

  Meredith merely smiled wider.

  “I’m feeling inspired after my best friend reconciled with the love of his life and they’re getting married.”

  I knew all about Rhys and Aaron. Meredith wasn’t particularly the romantic type, but she waxed poetic about how amazing the whole thing was. How it had changed her best friend for the better.

  “So what, now you’re going to matchmake for your brother?”

  “I’ve been trying to get Jonah to meet a nice guy for years, but no, he’s determined to be alone. And you know why I think that is?”

  “No… why?”

  She pointed at my chest.

  “Me?”

  “Yes, you. You’re Jonah’s one and we’re going to remind him.”

  “I swear you’ve lost th
e plot.”

  She shrugged and sipped her cocktail.

  “He’s taken care of me our whole lives. I’m going to return the favour by giving him you.”

  I shook my head.

  “You’re making it sound like you’re gifting me to him.”

  She threw back her head and laughed.

  “Maybe I am. Hand you to him on a silver platter and all.”

  I frowned, wondering what I’d got myself into with her.

  “What? Do you not want him back, Raphi?”

  “I do, but I don’t want to force him. If he doesn’t want to be with me, I’m going to accept it.”

  “Well, I’m not.”

  I shook my head. As much as I appreciated her wanting to help me, I didn’t want anyone interfering. Whatever Jonah wanted, I would be okay with it. All I wanted was his happiness. That’s it. If it wasn’t with me, I wouldn’t push the subject.

  “Meredith, promise me you won’t meddle, please? All I want is for him to be happy.”

  She bit her lip, then sighed.

  “Okay. I won’t meddle. If he wants to get back with you, then I’m merely going to encourage it.”

  I could accept that. It’s not like I could stop her from encouraging him. Maybe it’s what he needed. Who knew. All I could feel was grateful she was even willing to ask him to see me. She wanted us to reconcile. Now I had to wait and see what he said, keeping my fingers crossed he would be open to it.

  Chapter Forty Two

  Exhaustion plagued me. I’d literally worked myself to the bone this week. It was a small miracle the flat had been empty when I got in. Whilst I loved my job and my sister, my ability to be around people was shot to pieces. I needed to recharge and reset this weekend.

  Meredith was consistently on my case about having a social life. I had friends. Mostly from work, but they were still friends. We went out for drinks and dinner to talk about our patients, keeping all details confidential, but it was good to have people who understood the job. It made it easier to cope with.

  I suppose it wasn’t the reason she kept hassling me. It’d been well over a year since I’d been out on a date. She said if I kept this up, I’d end up alone forever. I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted a husband and a family, but it wasn’t that simple. Not when my experience of dating was pretty fucking dire. Finding someone I was compatible with was hard enough without the fact none of the guys I’d been out with made me feel the way he did. I’d given up because what was the point? The only person I’d loved had up and left me for ‘my own good’. The exact reason I had a habit of breaking up with someone before they could do the same to me.