by Sarah Bailey
I hadn’t forgotten how rich his parents were. They were worth billions. I knew as well as Raphi not all of their wealth had been obtained by legal means. I supposed it didn’t really matter now. They’d left their criminal lives behind.
“What do you even do now?”
“I work for the local council in recycling and waste management. And yes, I do enjoy my job even if it isn’t glamorous like working at the casino would be. It’s rewarding in its own way. Do you have any other questions or are you going to tell me why you really came to see me?”
I was stalling and he knew it. It was time to bite the bullet and admit the truth to him.
“I lied when I told you I didn’t think we should see each other. Seeing you again… I wasn’t ready for it. Meredith kind of made me agree to it, saying it was for my own good. She’s not wrong but I wasn’t ready.”
I took a huge gulp of wine then set it back on the table.
“It reminded me of how much it hurt when you left me. I know you weren’t well and thought you were protecting me. It didn’t feel like that at the time. I was heartbroken and hated you for it. I realise now it wasn’t good for either of us to be together at the time, but it still hurt. You kind of destroyed my view of love if I’m honest.”
Raphi didn’t say a word. He waited, probably knowing I wasn’t done. One of the things I’d always adored about him was his ability to listen. It was always me who people told their problems to. Having someone who did that for me, who listened, it was something I never knew I needed until it got taken away from me. Until he left me.
“I’ve spent so long helping other people and wishing I could have helped you, I forgot about myself along the way. About how what happened broke me. I need to fix me. I can’t move forward without dealing with the source of the problem. That’s why I’m here. It all starts with you.”
Raphi leant back against the bath. I turned my head to look at his face. There was contemplation there as if he was processing my words. I let him digest. Hell, I was still trying to work out why I needed it to be him. A part of me held out hope when Meredith said Raphi still cared about me, it meant more than only caring. Perhaps it meant he’d continued to love me just as I loved him.
“I want you to know you were enough for me. Your love was enough. I couldn’t see it because I was too wrapped up in myself and my problems. I’m sorry I said those things and made you think you weren’t enough. It was wrong of me.”
My heart ached at his words. I’d needed to hear them for such a long time. I hadn’t failed him. He wasn’t ready for us.
“I want to help you if I can.”
I hadn’t expected him to make the offer. To want to help me like I’d wanted to help him all those years ago.
“You do?”
“Mmm, I still care about you. I never stopped. But I don’t think this is the right way for me to help you.”
“What do you mean?”
He stroked my shoulder again.
“Us sleeping together. It’s not going to help you trust in love again. It doesn’t mean I’m going anywhere. If you’ll let me, I want to see you and do things with you.”
“What… like dating?”
He chuckled.
“I wasn’t going to presume that’s what you wanted.”
I felt my face growing hot, knowing now he’d meant spending time together as friends.
“Is it not what you want?”
“This isn’t about me. I’m here for what you need. So you tell me. Do you want me to date you, J?”
“I don’t know.”
He leant his chin on my shoulder.
“That’s okay. We’ll just be friends for now. You tell me if you want more at any point. This is on your terms. I don’t want to hurt you again so I’m not going to ask you for anything.”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. It felt strange us agreeing to be friends whilst we were naked together in the bath. It wasn’t particularly friend-like.
“Is that a yes to being friends, J?” he murmured.
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Good.”
Then he grabbed a couple of things from a shelf above us. I watched him as he squirted soap onto a loofa and washed me with a gentle touch. He started with my shoulders, making me lean forward. Again, this wasn’t something friends did but I didn’t object. No, I relaxed into his gentle touch. I’d missed the way he always took care of me. It felt good to let someone else be in control. To let him look after me. When he was done cleaning my whole body, he kissed my shoulder again.
“Do you want to stay the night?”
“Where, in your spare room?”
He chuckled again.
“No, J, with me. I promise no funny business.”
I swallowed, unsure of how I would deal with being close to him and knowing he wasn’t going to touch me.
“Okay.”
What the hell? Why did you just agree to that?
I must’ve lost my mind, but I didn’t take it back. Raphi simply asked me if I wanted to get out and after we did, he dried and dressed me. Then he tucked me up in his bed with the wine and we talked into the small hours about everything and nothing. I fell asleep feeling content and at home for the first time in a long time. Raphi was so familiar to me. His scent. His smile. The way we could sit there in silence without feeling weird or awkward.
Even though I was scared of what the future held for me and him, I didn’t allow it to stop me from being happy in his company. From feeling like I could see a light at the end of the dark tunnel I’d been trapped in. Maybe Raphi was right. Maybe this would help me.
It had been forever since I felt any sort of hope for myself, but being here with him, I felt that spark again. It might only be small, but it was there.
You can do this. If Raphi can save himself, so can you. You’ve just got to try.
Chapter Forty Seven
Last night I’d taken Jonah out for the second time this week. We might have agreed we were only friends, but I was treating it as if I was dating him. I’d picked him up from his flat and dropped him off afterwards, kissing his cheek both times. I didn’t want him thinking I wasn’t interested in more than being friends but kissing him on the lips would negate the friendship part. I’d settled for subtly indicating this was more. I wasn’t sure if it was working, but I was trying.
The first ‘date’ had been at a bar where we’d had drinks and talked the night away. And this time, we’d gone to the cinema and had dinner afterwards. It felt like we’d not spent any time apart. Jonah and I had always had an easy friendship. We’d never run out of things to talk about and when we did, we were content to be in each other’s company. It was all the other stuff surrounding our bond which had made things complicated. Like my depression. Like the fact I couldn’t be open about our relationship. Too many fucking things. It was different now though. I was better. And had no issues with being honest.
“So, you haven’t yet told us what’s happening with Jonah,” Mum said, nudging me with her shoulder. “I hope it’s good news.”
Duke and I were at our parents’ house having dinner with them. Quinn and Rory were busy talking to each other about something to do with the casino at the other end of the table, but Mum, Xav, Dad and Duke were all staring at me with expectant looks on their faces.
I’d told them I was going to see Jonah to apologise, but not what happened afterwards. Well, Duke knew since I told him absolutely everything, but my parents didn’t.
“Um, well…”
“You’re embarrassing our monkey here, angel,” Xav said, giving me a wink.
I hadn’t realised I’d gone red until he said it. My hand went to my burning cheeks and I almost sighed in frustration. Whilst I no longer kept things from my parents, Jonah was the first and only man I’d ever been with. I’d only ever introduced my parents to girlfriends, and those were very few and far between. I found other guys attractive but t
hey didn’t match up to Jonah. I don’t think anyone could regardless of whether they were male or female.
“Am I not allowed to be invested in my son’s happiness?”
“I’ll tell you if he keeps tripping up on his words,” Duke said, waving a hand at me.
I glared at him.
“No need, I’m perfectly capable of telling them myself.”
“I was only offering out of the kindness of my heart.”
“Your heart isn’t kind or nice so pipe the fuck down.”
Duke stuck his finger up at me. Our parents didn’t stop us from giving each other shit as they were used to it by now. It was how Duke and I were together.
“You going to answer our darling mother’s question then?”
I looked at Mum, giving her a half-smile.
“Well, I did see him and do the whole apology thing, which he accepted but then told me he didn’t think we should see each other again.”
Mum’s face fell. I put a hand on her arm.
“I’m not done yet. A week later he turns up on my doorstep, presumably Meredith told him where I live. We had a talk and—”
“More than just a talk,” Duke interrupted, waggling his eyebrows. “There was nakedness involved.”
“Oh shut up, they don’t need to know about that part.”
I saw Xav grinning from ear to ear and Dad shaking head from across the table.
“Don’t even think about making a comment,” I said to Xav before he could open his mouth.
He put his hands up.
“Oh no, I’m not going there with your mother giving me daggers.”
I glanced at Mum, finding her glaring at Xav and making it very clear he needed to behave. I sent a silent thank you her way because I really didn’t need any of them giving me a hard time over Jonah or what I’d got up to with him. It’s not like I initiated the whole sex part. It had all been him. He’d asked me for it and how the fuck could I refuse the man I loved? I mean, I could have denied him, but I didn’t want to. My goal here was to give Jonah everything he needed and wanted. To make him happy.
“As I was saying, we had a talk and agreed to spend time together… as friends. So, I’ve been taking him out. I saw him last night, actually.”
“What did you do together?” Mum asked.
“I took him to see that new thriller and then we had dinner.”
“What Raphi isn’t saying is they’re dating but not actually calling it that,” Duke said.
“Would you stop interrupting?”
“I’m interrupting because I think it’s stupid and you should just tell him how you feel.”
I rubbed my face, wishing Duke would drop it. He didn’t understand how scared Jonah was about me hurting him all over again. He needed time to adjust. He’d told me he needed to fix himself and it started with me. I was merely allowing Jonah to heal.
“And scare him away? I don’t think so. He needs time and I’m giving him that. I’ve told you, it’s not about what I want, it’s about him. I’ll do anything to get him back, including being friends whilst he deals with his own insecurities. Please stop with this shit already.”
Mum rubbed my arm. I looked over at her.
“I think that’s a good plan, monkey. If he needs time, then don’t rush him. Just like we couldn’t rush you to get help, it’s the same situation here.”
“Thank you, Mum.”
Unlike Duke, she understood what I was trying to do. It was about restoring Jonah’s confidence in me and showing him I could be someone he could rely on.
“I still think it’s better in the long run if you’re honest with him,” Duke muttered. “I should know.”
We all stared at Duke, well aware of the turmoil he’d gone through over him and Kira not being honest with each other.
“Your situation was entirely different to monkey’s,” Dad said. “I don’t recall your brother running off and doing something incredibly reckless and stupid all because of a dare.”
I put a hand over my mouth to stifle my urge to laugh. Even after all this time, my parents weren’t exactly happy with Duke for the way he handled everything between him and Kira. Sometimes I thought I might be the black sheep of the family, but honestly, all four of us had done things our parents weren’t best pleased about.
“Oh great, thanks for the reminder, E.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I never said I wasn’t going to be honest with Jonah,” I put in. “He’s not ready to hear it yet. Can you really blame me for wanting to be careful? I broke his heart. Me.” I pointed at my chest. “I carry that. You know what it feels like, to be the cause of his pain, so stop giving me a hard time. I’m trying to atone for the things I’ve done to the person I want forever with. If Jonah needs time, I’ll give it to him. I’ll give him everything he needs because I wasn’t there for him in the way I should have been when we were together. And yes, I’m well aware I was unwell and unable to be the person he needed, but I’m that person now.”
Mum put an arm around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze before she kissed my forehead.
“I’m so proud of you,” she whispered. “You’ve grown into such a strong and self-assured man who takes responsibility for everything he’s done. I didn’t think I could love you anymore but I do.”
My mum’s words made me emotional. I bit my lip to fight back the tears threatening behind my eyes. After all the difficulties I’d been through with my mother, having her say those things was almost too much for me to take.
“I love you too, Mum,” I whispered back.
She merely stroked my hair in response, the simple gesture telling me everything she couldn’t say. How she knew she had to let me be my own person and make my own mistakes. How her stepping back and allowing everything to run its course had brought us all to the here and now. Where I was better and my family was almost whole again.
The rest of the dinner was a quieter affair. No one else asked me any further questions about Jonah. To be honest, I was kind of glad of it. Talking about him made my heart ache. Even though I’d seen him last night, I missed his face. The way he smiled. The light in his green eyes when he was amused by something I’d said. It was safe to say Jonah was everything to me.
As I helped Rory load the dishwasher, my phone went off. I dug it out of my pocket and couldn’t help the smile on my face when I read the message.
Jonah: Thank you for yesterday. I had a really nice time.
Raphi: You’re welcome. I had a nice time too. Can I take you out on Saturday?
Jonah: What did you have in mind?
I bit my lip and noticed Rory was eying me with a raised eyebrow. Quinn wandered in with more dishes.
Raphi: Why don’t we see where the afternoon takes us? Pick you up at 12?
Jonah: No elaborate plan? I like the sound of that. 12 it is.
“What?” I asked Rory now he’d leant up against the counter.
“Nothing.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“He wants to know if you’re texting your almost-boyfriend,” Quinn said, giving Rory a look.
“He’s not my almost-boyfriend.”
Quinn snorted and shook his head.
“Okay, do you want me to call him your almost-husband then?”
I stared at him in disbelief.
“Quinn! He’s not… how did you even know… oh my god, why is this my life?”
I buried my face in one hand, squishing my glasses up against my nose in the process.
“I saw the way you looked at him when we met him, monkey, that’s how I know.”
I dropped my hand.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
He leant his elbows on the kitchen island and levelled his gaze on me with a sly smile.
“It means you look at him the same way E has looked at Xav since the two of them were kids and later on, he looked at Ash that way too. Now, we’ve all told
you why the five of us never considered marriage an option, but I know that’s what you would like to happen in the future, is it not?”
I had no idea Quinn had noticed. My parents were far more astute than I gave them credit for.
“It is. Has Rory been rubbing off on you or something? I thought he was the only one who had eyes like a hawk.”
Rory grinned, which made Quinn give him another look.
“Rory isn’t the only one who pays attention. You’re my son, of course, I’m going to notice these things. That’s what parents do, isn’t it?”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Huh. You approve of my choice then? Or are you just being nice because you don’t have to like Jonah? You don’t like Logan.”
Quinn scowled, but it was the same way every time Aurora’s fiancé’s name got brought up.
“I never said I didn’t like Logan. I gave him my blessing to marry Aurora, didn’t I?”
“You forgot to add eventually,” Rory said, waving his hand at Quinn. “You eventually gave Logan your blessing.”
“Shut up, Rory.”
I looked down at my phone again.
Raphi: My parents are actually the worst sometimes.
Jonah: That’s nothing new.
Raphi: They’re being all astute about me and shit.
Jonah: You’re with them now?
Raphi: Yes, came over for dinner with Duke. We’re being dutiful sons.
Jonah: Do you want a gold star for being son of the year?
Raphi: Funny. Real funny.
“And for your information, monkey, I do approve of Jonah. From what I knew of him six years ago, he seemed very nice and good for you. I doubt that’s changed, has it?” Quinn said, bringing my attention back to him and Rory.
I shook my head. Jonah was nice and he was definitely good for me. He was sweet, kind, funny and everything I’d ever wanted in another person.
Jonah: You sure? I can buy you some on Saturday.
Raphi: You going to arrange some kind of presentation ceremony for me as well?
Jonah: That’s actually a really good idea.
Raphi: And you’re officially ridiculous, but I kind of love it anyway.