Shadows of Yesterday

by Sandra Brown

  She had a home, a job, a healthy baby. All she had to cope with now was the loneliness.

  * * *

  “Sarah, you’re going on a diet tomorrow,” Leigh panted as she placed the baby in her wind-up swing and cranked it. She had had a hard day at work, had picked up the four-month-old Sarah at the babysitter’s house where she left her only when necessary, and then had had to go to the grocery store. Now, having established the chubby infant in the house, she went back to her car to get the two sacks of groceries and returned to plop them on the countertop.

  “Whew!” Leigh exclaimed, kicking off her shoes and collapsing onto the couch. Her mother’s exertion seemed to amuse Sarah, and she crowed her laughter and waved her arms in merriment. “I’m not doing this for your entertainment, you know, Miss Sarah,” Leigh reproached her.

  She pushed off the couch and knelt down in front of the swing to tickle Sarah’s plump stomach. “What do you think I am? Huh? Your personal court jester?” Sarah squealed as Leigh burrowed her face in the soft baby fat under her chin and made gnawing motions with her mouth.

  The baby’s hands did damage to the neat bun on the back of her mother’s head, all but destroying it completely.

  “Ouch!” Leigh fell back onto the floor. Her shirttail came out of the waistband of her skirt. She laughed and tried to draw her breath. When the doorbell sounded, she groaned.

  “You stay right there,” she warned Sarah mockingly.

  She pulled the front door open and instantly her hand flew to her chest in surprise. Her heart beat wildly. Fireworks seemed to be exploding in her head. Strange as it was, she was experiencing a rare sense of elation.

  “Hi.”

  He looked so different! His hair was still long, but shiny clean and well brushed. His face was just as darkly tanned, but smoothly shaven. Gone were the dirty jeans and cowboy shirt. In their place were a pair of well-fitting gray flannel slacks, a light blue shirt, and a navy blazer. Polished black loafers had replaced the disreputable boots.

  Only his eyes were the same. Brilliant. Blue. Electric.

  No, his eyes weren’t the only familiar trait. Leigh knew that wide, white smile. “Do you remember me?”

  “Of… of… course,” she stammered. Remember him? Yes, she remembered him. Often, lying alone in her bed, she recalled all too well his eyes, his smile, his voice, his kiss just before leaving her. She’d told herself the only reason she wanted to see him again was to thank him. Now, looking into his eyes, seeing that handsome, virile smile, she wasn’t so sure that was the only reason. “Chad. You look… look so different,” she finished lamely, feeling awkward and confused. She hoped he didn’t realize how his magnetic presence unsettled her.

  “You do, too. You’re thin.”

  She laughed and looked down at herself, only then realizing how disheveled she was. She glanced back up at him nervously. “Come in. I’m sorry I look so frightful. Sarah and I were playing and…”

  “You look great,” he interrupted. He stepped into the room and halted suddenly. “This can’t be Sarah,” he said, unabashedly squatting down in front of the infant’s swing and catching her bottom in the cloth seat to stop the pendulum motion. Sarah looked at him curiously.

  “Yes, that’s my Sarah,” Leigh said proudly.

  “She’s a beauty,” he said softly. His index finger came up to touch the baby’s face, but it was instantly caught in a tight, moist fist. “Good reflexes, too,” Chad laughed. He gently pulled his finger from the plump fist and stood up. “I have something for her.”

  “Oh, Chad you shouldn’t have,” Leigh exclaimed, immediately embarrassed by the triteness of the phrase. She rushed to make amends. “You certainly did enough for Sarah by bringing her into the world.”

  “I wanted to give her something. It’s outside in the truck. I’ll go get it.” He went out the front door but didn’t close it behind him.

  With ineffectually rapid fingers, Leigh stuffed in the tail of her blouse and crammed her feet back into her shoes. Her hair! It was a mess. She could feel the heavy, chestnut chignon slipping down the nape of her neck. Loose strands hung around her face. No time to repair it. He was coming back.

  “What in the world,” she cried, laughing when he carried in a huge, gift-wrapped box.

  “You’ll have to open it for her.”

  “And you may have to help me.”

  Leigh took the bright pink ribbon off the enormous box and started ripping the paper. “My mother always saves the wrappings of a present. She’d faint if she could see me tearing into this.”

  “It’s no fun to open a present if you have to worry about saving wrapping paper,” Chad said.

  Leigh looked up at him and smiled. “You’re right.”

  Lifting the lid off the tall box, she saw a mass of white tissue paper, which she began plowing through until she uncovered a tuft of soft, black-striped yellow fur.

  “Here, let me lift it out for you,” he offered.

  Standing aside, she watched as he pulled a giant tiger, complete with lengthy tail, long eyelashes, and wide, benevolent grin, from a box. She clapped her hands over her mouth in astonishment. It was a paragon of a stuffed animal.

  “Chad!” She reached out to touch the luxurious fur. It must have cost him a fortune, and she knew he couldn’t afford it. First the flowers he had brought to her room at the hospital, and now this lavish present.… His generosity surpassed common sense. “Chad,” she repeated.

  “Do you think she’ll like it?” Proudly he carried the toy tiger to the swing and stood it directly in front of Sarah. The stuffed animal stood several inches taller than the swing. Sarah eyed it warily for a moment, then her face crumpled, her mouth opened wide, and she burst forth with a long, loud, sustained wail.

  “Oh, God, what did I do?” Chad asked, spinning around toward Leigh in sheer panic. His anxiety was even greater than Sarah’s.

  Leigh stepped between her daughter and the tiger and lifted the crying baby out of the swing. “I think she was overwhelmed. That’s all.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean”

  “Of course you didn’t. She’ll be all right in a minute. She only needs to know I’m here.”

  In just a few moments Sarah’s cries had subsided. She hiccupped softly and then became intrigued with the gold loop in her mother’s ear.

  “I guess I don’t know too much about babies,” Chad said by way of apology.

  “Give her a day or two to get used to it, and she’ll love it.”

  “I hope so.”

  “As a matter of fact, I think you’re already forgiven.”

  Sarah’s bobbing head had turned in the direction of the low-timbred voice. Besides Leigh’s father, the baby hadn’t been around men. It hadn’t taken her long to discern the difference in pitch between this voice and her mother’s.

  “Would you like to hold her?” Leigh asked him.

  “Do you think she’ll let me?”

  “I certainly think she should, since you were the first one who ever held her.”

  “Hey, I was, wasn’t I?”

  For a moment their eyes locked over Sarah’s head. Leigh realized they were both remembering when it was only the two of them on a deserted highway, on a scorching August day, when he had stopped to help her. Leigh remembered Chad’s kindness, his sensitivity, and thought how glad she was to see him again. The poignant moment drew out uncomfortably long.

  Leigh broke their mutual fixation first and extended Sarah to his waiting arms. As the exchange was made, her hand became trapped between the softness of Sarah’s back and the hardness of Chad’s palm. She glanced up to see if he had noticed the contact and was alarmed to see that he had. His electrifying blue eyes pierced into hers. She slowly withdrew her hand from beneath his.

  He turned his attention to Sarah. Speaking in low, melodious tones, he praised her beauty. Sarah stared into his face, hypnotized by the crooning sound of his voice. Leigh was finding it hard not to be lulled as easily as her ba
by. He was so handsome! Granted, she hadn’t met him at his best, but she had never considered he’d be this good-looking cleaned up. It was touching that he had worn his best clothes to come calling on them. Why should that surprise her? Everything he did was endearing.

  Leigh felt dowdy, rumpled, and maternal. Self-consciously she tucked a wayward strand of hair behind her ear and stood up straighter, hoping he wouldn’t notice the haphazard way she had pushed the hem of her blouse into her skirt. She knew she had a run in her stocking from banging her leg against the grocery cart.

  “Would you two ladies join me for dinner tonight?”

  “What? Dinner? Out?”

  He laughed and bounced Sarah in his arms. The infant giggled. “Yes, dinner out.”

  “I’d love to, Chad, but I don’t think so. It’s terribly difficult to take Sarah to a restaurant.”

  “We can handle it.”

  “No, I couldn’t ask you to suffer through that.” She gnawed at her bottom lip. He had spent so much money on the gift, she couldn’t allow him to buy them dinner as well. Still, she enjoyed talking to someone besides Sarah. An adult. An adult male. Chad. “Would you stay and have dinner with us? Here, I mean.”

  Way to go, Leigh, she derided herself. What would he think of her? That she had men traipsing in and out of her house all the time? That she was a man-hungry widow? She shouldn’t have

  “Are you sure you’d rather cook than go out?”

  No, she wasn’t, but she didn’t want him to know that. At least he hadn’t looked at her with lascivious speculation. He hadn’t taken her invitation to include anything but dinner. “Sarah can’t sit in a high chair yet, and I have to hold her in her carrier, which she’s almost too big for. She’s usually very good until my meal arrives, then she starts fussing. I have to eat with one hand while”

  “I get the picture,” he said, laughing and holding up one palm to ward off her objections. “All right. I’ll stay. But only tonight. We’ll try a restaurant another time. It won’t be so hard to do with help.”

  Another time? “Wh… what do you like to eat?”

  “Name it.” Sarah was loudly slapping his cheek with her hand. He didn’t seem to mind.

  “I just bought a canned ham at the grocery store. Do you like cold ham?”

  “Love it.”

  “Salad?” He nodded. “My parents were here Sunday. Mother made a big bowl of potato salad, swearing that the longer it stays in the refrigerator, the better it gets.”

  “My Mom says that, too. What can I do to help?” His teeth shone whitely in a dazzling smile.

  “You seem to be doing fine with Sarah. Would you mind keeping her occupied while I put the groceries away and get dinner on the table?”

  “That’s the easiest job I’ve had in a long time,” he said, his brilliant blue eyes twinkling.

  Leigh glanced down at the floor awkwardly. When had she entertained a man? Not since before she and Greg were married. How did one go about these things? Few women entertaining men had a four-month-old baby to cope with as well. “Will you excuse me for just a few minutes?” she asked, edging across the living room toward her bedroom. “I just need to… I’ll be right back.”

  She hastily closed the bedroom door behind her and raced to her closet. What could she wear? She had a new pair of wool slacks.… No, the change would be obvious. Would jeans be too casual? Ridiculous. They were spending the evening at home, weren’t they? Evening? Only dinner, Leigh. Only dinner.

  She pulled on her starched, creased pair of designer jeans and changed blouses. Sarah had drooled on the other one. She chose an apricot-colored shirt made of a polyester that only a discerning eye could distinguish from silk. Then, yanking the pins from her hair, Leigh brushed it until it shone and secured the gleaming tresses behind her ear with a comb. There, that was better. She misted herself with a subtle fragrance and hurried back into the living room. She was breathless and her pulse was racing.

  Chad was sitting on the sofa with Sarah lying on her back on his thighs. Her feet were kicking his stomach. His eyes opened appreciatively when Leigh walked in. His whistle was long and low and too exaggerated to give offense. “Leigh Bransom, you are one beautiful woman,” he complimented her huskily.

  Leigh’s hands were clasped tightly together in front of her. “Thank you,” she said simply.

  “I hope you don’t mind that I took off my jacket.”

  It was draped over the arm of an easy chair. His sleeves had been rolled back to the elbows. “No. Make yourself comfortable.” She turned toward the kitchen. Scooping up the baby in his arms, Chad stood up and followed her.

  “I like your house,” he said, taking in the small but tastefully decorated rooms. The muted blues and beige of the living room were carried over into the infinitesimal dining area. The kitchen was stark with accents of royal blue in decorative tiles bordering the countertop. Copper pots hung suspended from a rack on the ceiling. Chad had to duck his head to avoid some of them.

  “Thank you again,” she said, delving into the sack of groceries and neatly placing the items in her carefully arranged cupboard. Space was at a premium in the cabinets.

  “When I moved here, I didn’t like the idea of an apartment, but didn’t want the responsibility of a house,” she explained, putting eggs in the grooved tray of the refrigerator. “This condo community was the answer. The house payment covers the maintenance of the yard. And I like having close neighbors.”

  The house was U-shaped around a central courtyard. As he jiggled Sarah in his arms, Chad peered out into the courtyard through a wide picture window over the sink. “Your patio is nice. The landscaping’s pretty.”

  She laughed. “As you know, grass and trees aren’t exactly in abundance in Midland, and I found that barrenness depressing. I had to create my own garden spot. Of course, nothing’s blooming now, but in the spring it’s nice to have flowering plants. My water bills this summer were horrendous.”

  “You’re not a native west Texan?”

  “I’m an Air Force brat. My father was a career man, and his last post was in Big Spring. That was before the air base there was closed. When he retired, he and Mother decided to stay. By that time, I was away at college. Greg and I lived in El Paso.”

  “Your husband?” he asked quietly.

  “Yes.” Her hands paused in their busy activities. It had been over a year now. All the books said that the first year of widowhood was the hardest to survive. She had been through the first Christmas, the birthdays, their anniversary. The bad times, the arguments over his work, had been replaced by happier memories.

  “You said he was a narcotics agent,” Chad recalled thoughtfully. “Did his work bother you?”

  She didn’t find Chad’s question a prying one because of the way he asked it. He seemed genuinely interested in her answer. “I hated it. Greg and I were happy together. Our only conflict was his work. I had begged him to give it up, but…” She hastily closed the cupboard door and reached into another for place settings. “What about you? Are you still working as a mechanic?”

  “Mechanic?”

  “You said you were working on an airplane engine. I thought you must be a mechanic.”

  “Oh, yeah, well, I do work on engines sometimes. I putter around on different things.” He looked away self-consciously and she didn’t press him to provide her with more information. Maybe he didn’t have a steady job and took work when and where he could find it. He had apparently bought the clothes he was wearing during a more lucrative period. His conservative attire was obviously of high quality and fit him to perfection.

  The table was set and the food ready to serve. Chad had brought Sarah’s swing into the kitchen so he could slice the canned ham for Leigh. The baby was consigned to the swing while they ate their meal.

  “Do you work, Leigh?” Chad asked, biting into a buttered hunk of French bread.

  “Yes, but it’s rather hard to explain,” she smiled. “I decorate shopping malls.”

/>   He stared at her with utter bemusement and Leigh laughed. “Come again?” he said when he had swallowed the mouthful of bread.

  “I decorate shopping malls. Haven’t you ever wondered who hung all those baskets of spring bouquets? Or who replaced the potted plants around the fountains? Or set up Santa’s North Pole house—which, incidentally, I’m doing now.”

  Chad laid his fork on his plate and quirked an eyebrow at her. “I must be dense, but no, I’ve never given it a thought.”

  “Few people do, but they’d certainly notice if they weren’t there.”

  “You work for the mall?”

  “Not exclusively. I work for them on a retainer basis. I do a few office buildings, too. They usually want only Christmas decorations. Sometimes Easter. I tell them what to buy within their budget, they buy it, and I set it up.”

  “Fascinating.”

  She laughed. “Hardly, but it’s a terrific job for a single parent. I work at my own pace, within deadlines, of course. I pay students to do all the heavy work for me, except at the mall. Their own engineers help me there. The decorations in the mall only have to be changed about five times a year. In between, I’m planning what I’m going to do next.”

  “How does one go about finding a job like that?”

  “Actually it found me. I had a friend who did this sort of thing for banks in El Paso. I was her unofficial assistant. She was offered this job by the developers of the mall here. She declined it, but sold them on me. Of course, they didn’t know I was pregnant when I first went to work, but no one said anything even when it became obvious.”

  “Of course not. I’m sure they were pleased with your work, and who would fire a pregnant widow from a job in this enlightened day and age?”

  She laughed. “You’re probably right. In any case, I’m glad they didn’t. I couldn’t beat the working conditions.”

  They finished their meal and ate ice cream with fudge sauce for dessert.

  “You wouldn’t happen to have any coffee to go with this, would you?” he asked.

  Leigh dropped her spoon into her dish. “Oh, no, Chad, I’m sorry but I don’t. I don’t even have a coffeemaker. I don’t drink it and”