Shadows of Yesterday

by Sandra Brown

  She lifted her head to look up at him. “Yes. Yes, I do.”

  “They like you, too. But if some of those guys don’t keep their lecherous eyes to themselves, I’m going to have to set them straight.”

  “About what?” she asked throatily. His eyes were looking at her in a way so familiar that it stirred her already heated blood.

  “About there being no doubt that you belong to me. About the fact that I was the one who saw you first and I’m serious and that it’s ‘hands off’ to anyone else. About this.” He kissed her deeply, thoroughly, planting his tongue in her mouth and knotting her hair in his fist. She could feel his suppressed desire and recognized it because it corresponded to hers. When at last they drew apart, he kissed her once gently on the cheek and said, “Let’s go eat supper.”

  If no one else had been set straight on Chad’s intentions, Leigh certainly had been.

  Platters of prime steak were carried in from the charcoal pit outside the barn. They were accompanied by foil-wrapped baked potatoes and huge bowls of salad. Redwood picnic tables covered with paper tablecloths had been placed end-to-end in several rows. Leigh retrieved Sarah while Chad filled their plates.

  The baby lay in Chad’s lap and thumped him in the stomach with her tiny feet until he would poke a bite of fluffy potato into her eager mouth.

  There was much shouting, laughter, and boisterous teasing while everyone sacrificed table etiquette to having a good time. Leigh didn’t remember ever enjoying herself more and ate heartily. She and everyone else broke into spontaneous applause when the enormous birthday cake bearing over a hundred candles was wheeled out on a rolling table.

  At her door, after they had seen a tired Sarah to bed, Chad stroked Leigh’s cheek. “You would fit right in,” he said. “I loved having you there with me tonight. I was proud to be with you. It wasn’t as if I were there with just another date. Everyone seemed to accept you as part of me. I wish you would.”

  “You’re making it very hard for me.”

  “Good. I want to wear you down, tear down your defenses.” He crushed her against him. “Marry me, Leigh.”

  “Sometimes I think we can make it work, then…”

  “Don’t think of the reasons it might not work. Think of all we have that’s right.”

  “I know, I know. Believe me, I know. But there’s still your work, Chad. I’m not merely being stubborn. I honestly don’t know if I could ever cope with that.”

  “Let’s give it a trial run,” he suggested softly. “I have to go out of town next week.” Her head came up and terror filled her eyes. “Not to a fire,” he assured her quickly. “I need to check out some equipment over in Louisiana. I’ll call you every night at ten o’clock. I promise. You can see what it would be like for me to be gone.”

  She nodded. Maybe a trial run like this wasn’t a bad idea. Perhaps they both needed time to analyze their feelings. The sexual attraction between them couldn’t be denied, and when they were together that colored their better judgment. Apart, they might see things more clearly. “When do you have to leave?”

  He grimaced. “Tomorrow.”

  Her first impulse was to berate him for not telling her, to panic because she wouldn’t see him again before he left. But she had to start getting accustomed to such rapid partings. She smiled bravely, if a little shakily. “I’ll miss you,” she admitted. “You promise to call?”

  He kissed her then, a kiss that promised more than a telephone call.

  * * *

  Had it not been a weekend, the days might have passed more quickly. As it was, Saturday and Sunday dragged by. Leigh went to the mall on Saturday on a flimsy excuse just to get out of the house. Even the difficulties involved in getting Sarah ready for an outing and carrying her stroller into the mall crowded with Christmas shoppers were worth the few hours her mind wasn’t directly targeted on Chad, though it was never far from thoughts of him. By the time she wearily carted Sarah and all her paraphernalia back into the house, Leigh realized just how handy it was to have a man around.

  As promised, he called at exactly ten o’clock that night. Leigh had already put Sarah to bed and had taken a hot bath to make herself sleepy. She was lying in bed reading a book when the telephone rang. A split-second later she was holding the receiver to her ear. “Hello.” She didn’t pretend coyness. Pride took a back seat to the thrill of hearing his voice.

  His “Hello, darling,” was like a soothing balm to her breathless anticipation.

  After they exchanged banalities about his flight to rural Louisiana and the activities that had filled her day, he said, “I wish I were there with you. In bed. Making love. Or just holding you. God, Leigh, I want you.”

  “I want you, too.”

  “Then marry me. We could have such a perfect life together.”

  “No life is perfect, Chad.”

  “As near perfect as two imperfect human beings could make it.” She heard his sigh. “I love you. I’d do everything in my power to make you and Sarah happy.”

  “I know,” she said quietly, silently adding to herself that he’d do everything but give up his life’s work. Maybe she could learn to live with it. If it meant having Chad or not, maybe she could learn to accept it.

  She thought she was getting closer to that acceptance as the days passed. Gratefully she went to work on Monday after creating cleaning projects in her spotless house on Sunday to occupy her hours. She wasn’t really needed at the mall either, but she made work for herself. When she was alone with Sarah at home, she realized how empty the house, and their lives, seemed without Chad.

  He called every night at the appointed time and ran up an astronomic long-distance bill. “Can you believe mosquitoes in December? I swear there’s one in the motel room. I can’t see him, but he buzzes in my ear during the night.”

  She laughed, her heart filling with love. His calls were like a tonic that was becoming addictive. Between nine and ten each night, the hands on the clock moved with maddening slowness. Proudly she told him everything she was getting accomplished while he was away. But her pride and effervescence dissolved when he called later in the week to report that he wasn’t coming home as soon as he had predicted.

  “I’m sorry, Leigh. I thought I’d be back tomorrow, but we’re waiting for a part to be flown in from Houston. I’m sitting here doing nothing, but I can’t leave yet. You understand, don’t you?”

  No! her mind screamed. “Of course,” she said instead. “I’m fine, really.”

  “I love you. I’ll call again tomorrow night.”

  Fortune seemed to have picked her out to plague. The next day, during the busiest shopping hours, a group of unsupervised children knocked over a decorated Christmas tree situated in front of one of the most popular stores. Leigh and her crew rushed into the pandemonium the incident created, but it was several hours before she got everything back to normal. Since some of the decorations had been irreparably damaged, she had to make do with what could be salvaged. She cursed the irresponsibility of some parents as she surveyed the denuded tree.

  She left late because of the crisis and got a speeding ticket on the way to the babysitter’s house to pick up Sarah.

  “Did you know that your inspection sticker is a month overdue?” the officer asked politely. He could have been inquiring about her health.

  “No,” she said miserably.

  “I’m going to have to give you a ticket for that, too.”

  Sarah was crying so hard that the kindly maternal sitter for once was relieved to see her go. The baby screamed all the way home, distracting Leigh from her driving and compounding the headache that had begun with the destruction of her decorations at the mall.

  Sarah wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t be pacified. She didn’t want to swing, didn’t want to be rocked, didn’t want to lie down, didn’t want to be held.

  Leigh never got a chance to eat, so distraught was she over Sarah’s uncharacteristic squalling. She had only a trace of fever, which could have been
brought on by the tantrum, but no other symptoms. Battered and worn out after hours of trying to please her daughter, Leigh carried Sarah to her crib and laid her down on her stomach. “You can just cry it out for a while,” she said and left the room, closing the door behind her.

  Feeling like the worst villain in fact or fiction, she nonetheless tried to tune out the infant’s screaming long enough to get out of her clothes and take a hot, pounding shower. Sarah was still at it a half-hour later, and Leigh called the pediatrician.

  “I don’t know what it could be,” she told the physician helplessly.

  “Could be nothing more than those new teeth or a tummy ache. I’ll call an all-night pharmacy and have them send out a mild analgesic. It won’t hurt her, and will help Sarah and you get through the night. If she’s not calmed down by morning, bring her in.”

  Leigh glanced at the clock, hoping the delivery of the medicine would be made before ten so she could talk to Chad in peace.

  But by ten-thirty, Leigh was still waiting for both the medicine and Chad’s call. She paced the floor with Sarah, patting her back. Tears rolled down both their faces. “How could he do this to me tonight?” she asked the empty room. “Today, of all days, how could he break his word?”

  The delivery boy arrived at eleven-thirty, fresh-mouthed and cheerful, with no apology or excuse for taking so long. Leigh could have slapped him when he said, “Have a good evening.”

  Sarah choked and sputtered the medicine until Leigh could only guess if any had gotten down her throat or not. Apparently it hadn’t, for her crying went on incessantly. Leigh tried to lie down with the baby in her bed, but Sarah wouldn’t stop thrashing long enough to give in to the exhaustion Leigh knew she must feel. She had been crying for hours. So had Leigh. Why hadn’t Chad called? Had something happened to him?

  She was pacing with the baby some time after midnight when she heard knocking on the front door. Hope combatted with caution, but she raced to the door and swung it open.

  “Why are all the lights… What’s wrong, Leigh? Leigh?” Chad asked again as she collapsed against him.

  Sarah was squished between them, but Leigh didn’t care. Her face nestled in the hard strength of his chest and moved back and forth. “You didn’t call and Sarah’s crying for no reason I can see. I got a traffic ticket… the inspection sticker. And a tree fell over. I could have strangled those little boys and their mothers…”

  “Leigh, for God’s sake what is going on? Get inside. It’s freezing. And what’s wrong with Sarah? Why isn’t she asleep?”

  He took the infant out of Leigh’s arms, which looked as though they might give way any minute. He carried the baby into her room, examining her closely as he went. Then he sat down with Sarah in the rocker and laid her head on his shoulder, stroking her back soothingly.

  Leigh, who only an hour ago had sworn she could kill him for not calling, thirstily drank in the sight of him. Though she had thought she’d lambaste him for breaking his promise, here she was, tearfully grateful that he was here, taking charge, relieving her.

  As she sagged against the doorframe, she sketchily told him about Sarah and what the doctor had said.

  “I think the medicine might be working after all,” he whispered.

  Leigh couldn’t believe it, but it was true. Sarah’s crying had stopped and she had tucked her knees under her tummy as she lay against Chad’s chest. Her lashes, still dewy with tears, rested on her plump cheeks.

  A few minutes later they were gazing down into her crib where she lay in tranquil sleep. “I think we’d better have the doctor check her out in the morning,” Chad suggested.

  “I do, too,” Leigh agreed. “She’s never cried like that.”

  “Come on. You look like you’re about ready to drop, too.”

  He went through the house turning off the lights and rejoined her where she waited in the hall. His arms came around to enfold her in his secure warmth. “I’m sorry I didn’t call. I was on the way. The part we needed came in this afternoon and I got things wrapped up earlier this evening. I tried to call then, but you weren’t home.”

  “I was late getting home. I got a speeding ticket.”

  He chuckled. “So you said. And something about a tree.”

  “I’ll tell you later. Go on with your story.” She wanted him to talk if for no other reason than because the sound of his voice assured her that he was there. She knew now that she wanted to be with him all the time. If necessary, she could have made it alone. She’d proven it to herself, to her parents, to everyone, that she could. But why should she, when her life was so enriched by Chad’s presence in it? Why should she subject herself to nights like this alone, when he was willing to share the bad along with the good?

  “Well, as I was saying, we took off, and by the time we got here, checked in the airplane, and I reported to my foreman, it was just as fast to drive over as it was to call. I’m sorry if you were upset.”

  “I was, but it doesn’t matter now. You’re here and that’s far better than a phone call.”

  His arms closed around her and pressed her against him. He kissed her long and deeply with a quiet desperation. “It’s been a helluva long week without you. I need you tonight, Leigh, and I think you need me.”

  “I do.” Taking his hand, she led him into her bedroom. Clothes were shed with dispatch. Naked, she faced him and took his hand, bringing it to her breast and making it his. She ran her fingertip up and down the length of his fingers even as he caressed her.

  “God, you are a woman,” he breathed, lowering his head to accept what was so lovingly offered. His mouth was a hot, wet vise that closed around her nipple. He urged her to know his rising manhood by folding his hands at the small of her back and lifting her to it.

  Rapturously she clung to him. Her hair swept her naked back as her head tipped in abandonment. His relentless caresses made her weak and she slumped against him.

  He carried her to the bed and laid her face down on the pillows. Straddling the backs of her thighs, he massaged her with loving hands that sensitized her whole body and made it quake with desire for him. When his hands had toured her at leisure, his lips followed suit, pausing to give special attention to the backs of her knees. He opened his teeth over the susceptible spot and flicked the fragile skin with his tongue. Heedless of her pleas, he kept up the torment until he, too, had to have more of her.

  She rolled to her back at his prompting. His mouth sealed hers in a kiss so voluptuous that she writhed beneath him, seeking fulfillment. “Not yet, not yet,” he whispered. “Let me love you.”

  His hands traced the delicate sculpture of her arms, then moved to her breasts. He went on to adore each inch of her skin first with hands, then with lips. All of her was touched, all was kissed, all was loved with the sweetness that was uniquely his.

  At last, when they were both trembling with suppressed longing, when each nerve cell was quivering for the melding of their bodies, he held her hips in his hands, lifting her to bury himself deep inside her. The love words he chanted in her ear, without meter, without rhyme, were genuine poetry.

  His loving thrusts stoked the fires of their passion until they were forged together by a conflagration of spirits as well as of bodies. It took a long time for the fire to burn itself out.

  Still harbored inside her, still spent from trying to withstand the tempest, Chad lifted his head and pierced her with fevered eyes. “Will you marry me?”

  Half-laughing, half-sobbing with the wonder and joy of loving him, she said, “Yes. Yes, my love, I’ll marry you.”

  Chapter Nine

  “You can’t be serious.” Lois Jackson didn’t even try to disguise her disbelief. Leigh watched as her mother shot a look of consternation at her husband, who seemed equally disbelieving. Leigh took a deep breath and prepared for the inevitable battle.

  “I’m very serious, Mother. Also very happy. I love Chad. He loves me and Sarah. We’re getting married on New Year’s Day.”

 
; Had the topic not been so important, Leigh would have laughed at her parents’ astounded expressions. She had called them and asked them to drive to Midland for the day. She hadn’t told them why. Now that they had inquired into her health and the baby’s, poured themselves a cup of coffee from one of her new coffeemakers, exclaiming how glad they were that she had finally deigned to get one, and taken their favorite seats in her living room, she had calmly announced that she was to be married within weeks.

  “But, Leigh, that’s… that’s highly improper, for one thing. Greg’s barely been dead”

  “He’s been dead over a year, Mother. I think that period of mourning should satisfy even the most stringent sense of decorum.”

  “Don’t be flippant with me, Leigh. It’s irritating. Especially under the circumstances.”

  “I’m sorry.” She had known it wasn’t going to be easy to tell her parents about her forthcoming marriage, but she hadn’t bargained on its being quite so hard. Chad had wanted to be with her, to lend his support in a situation she had predicted wouldn’t be pleasant, but she had refused. Knowing her mother’s waspish tongue, she had thought it better to take the first onslaught alone.

  “Leigh,” her father said in a tone more kindly than her mother’s, “could it be that you’ve formed a fondness for this young man because he delivered your baby? Perhaps if you give the relationship time, you’ll see that what you’re feeling isn’t love but gratitude.”

  She smiled privately and her thoughts went back to the night she had accepted Chad’s proposal. Lying in Chad’s arms, wonderfully tired from their lovemaking, she had tilted her head back from the crook of his shoulder to kiss his chin, and whisper, “Thank you.”

  His eyes were closed, but one thick brow cocked in query. “For what?”

  “For loving me.”

  A soft rumble of laughter echoed from his chest into her ear. “It was my pleasure.”

  She smiled. “Thank you for that, too,” she said, trailing her finger down the tapering line of hair on his stomach. “But I meant thank you for loving me. And Sarah. Not all men would want to rear someone else’s child.”