One and a Half Regrets: A Sweet, New Adult Romance (Love by the Numbers Book 1)

by J. A. Coffey

  “I’m not angry.” He’s lying. I can tell he’s seething. I’m racking my brain for what I might have done or said.

  “Anyways, the band’s scheduled to leave right after the concert tomorrow night,” he mumbles.

  I freeze. “So soon?”

  My throat tightens like someone’s twisting a tuning peg, so much that I can’t say anything else.

  “Yeah. So listen, I’ve been thinking…this isn’t how I planned to do this, but…”

  Then I realize, this is it. He’s so cold and remote and angry. He’s obviously regretting where things ended up.

  He’s going to break up with me, but in person, this time. Not a text message. It’s so awful, I can’t stand to hear him say the words, so I say the exact opposite of how I feel.

  “I think we should break up,” I blurt before he can respond.

  Liam’s face drains of color. “You do?” His voice is so low, I can barely hear him.

  “Yes. These past two weeks have been nice but I think we both know there’s no way we can make this work.” I cross my arms so I don’t break down and try to hold him.

  Liam is so silent I worry that he’s going to explode.

  But he just nods, with a tragically resigned expression. “Okay. You’re right. Sure. It’s probably for the best.”

  “Yeah,” I say, walking towards the door of my townhouse. I have no clue where I’m going, but I don’t want to hover in my crowded kitchen, with the memories of us together. “I mean, you’ve got your music and I’ve got things to do here and…”

  “It’s better for everyone if we aren’t together.” He ends my sentence.

  We stand awkwardly in front of my open door as the first roll of thunder booms in the distance.

  “Well, it’s been nice.” My mouth forms polite words that don’t register in my brain.

  “Yeah, nice.” Liam’s eyes are awash with emotions that I don’t dare define. It’s the only time I’ve ever seen him cry. He leans over and presses a kiss to my temple. “Goodbye, Beth.”

  “Do you want say it to Cadence?” I ask. Somewhere in the distance, lightning strikes.

  He almost chokes. “No. Can’t.”

  “Shouldn’t we work out custody or something?”

  “I’ll have my people contact yours.”

  I don’t need people to tell me what to do with my own daughter. Liam shouldn’t either. He’s running again.

  And just like that, he’s gone.

  He disappears in a downpour, his black leather jacket flapping behind him.

  Thunder booms overhead and a gust of wind kicks up. I creep into my daughter’s nursery to see if the weather has disturbed her, but our sweet baby girl is snoozing peacefully—completely oblivious to the sky or her parents’ distress.

  I’ve always vowed to keep her safe and happy. If that means being alone, then that’s what I’m going to do.

  I close the door with a soft click and slide into my own bed, missing my former life, my former love, missing the music. Tears leak from the corners of my eyes, as somewhere overhead, the sky opens up and cries with me.

  Chapter Twelve

  Liam

  It’s over. It has to be.

  I was going to ask her to marry me so I could watch over her and keep her safe. Now that I know my father won’t ever let me be, it’s best that I stay away from Beth and Cadence. It might kill me, but it means I’ll keep them safe. Beth was right; breaking up was the better decision. But part of me was still holding out hope for a little bungalow house with a new nursery for Cadence.

  Part of me was holding out hope for a home.

  “You okay over there?” Zane asks.

  “Fine. Why?”

  “You’ve been muttering about bouncy seats and babies under your breath for the past half hour.”

  I slump in my chair, letting my long legs dangle over one arm. “Beth and I broke up.”

  Zane nods. “Sounds like an epidemic. First Finn and Trish. Now you.” Again, there’s an odd light in his eyes, but I’m too pissed at myself to care.

  “Yeah.” I shrug, playing for cool. “Rock stars aren’t meant to be tied down, I guess.”

  Zane looks at me. “You’re an asshole if you really believe that.”

  “What did you say?” I jump to my feet, fists clenching. The feelings are still too raw.

  Zane doesn’t back down. “If you really believe that you don’t deserve to be happy with someone, then Marco’s screwed with your head.”

  “He didn’t screw with anything,” I protest. I let the anger dribble out of me, forcing my fingers to unclench.

  “Then stop acting like a whipped dog.” Zane throws his hands in the air. “Every time someone tells you to do something, you do it. When are you going to be a man?”

  “I am a man.”

  “Yeah? Says who?”

  “Says the woman who had my baby, that’s who.”

  A shocked silence descends like fog.

  Zane opens and closes his mouth. Then he rubs a hand over his forehead. “You of all people should know what growing up without a solid family feels like. I can’t believe you’d walk away from your own…”

  “Daughter,” I finish. “Cadence.”

  The corner of Zane’s mouth crooks. “Cool name.”

  “Yeah.” I deflate, no longer angry with him. I’m angry at myself. How could I have lost Beth again?

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know.” The penthouse door sails open, banging into the wall and leaving a mark where the lock in the handle struck the paint.

  “There you are. Don’t forget, we need you all downstairs for some pre-concert interviews after rehearsal.” DeSilva checks his watch. “Let’s hit the studio.”

  I ride in the back of the record label’s big black SUV, trying to ignore Seattle out the windows as we head to the downtown recording studio. Finn keeps alternating between glaring at the back of Zane’s head and tossing me worried side glances. If even Finn can tell I’m messed up, I know I need to shake this, but losing Beth and my daughter is crushing me like a lead weight.

  We mic up and I slip a set of headphones over my ears before we start. After a few songs, I’m less tense, but still not completely present.

  The sound engineer asks me to give the bass drum a kick while testing levels again. I usually play in the pocket, staying in perfect time, but today I just can’t find it.

  Family life isn’t my thing. The only place I’ve ever felt normal is around Beth. Ending it with her severs my only ties to Seattle. That isn’t a bad thing, right? At least we called it quits before either of us had any damage. I’ll set her up with financial support and she can go on to do whatever she wants. Whatever it takes to keep my shitty past out of her and Cadence’s future.

  We belt out another Wylde Ryder favorite, “Let it Burn,” and I throw in a few extra licks on the skins, for good measure, picturing my father’s face on every one.

  “Crash and ride, baby!” DeSilva yells and gives us the thumbs up after we wrap up.

  Crash and ride are things you do on the cymbals—not your love life. Not if you are lucky. Apparently, I’m not.

  “Well, that was pretty awful, Finn.” Zane unstraps his bass guitar from his shoulders.

  “It’s not me, man. It’s him.” Finn jerks his chin at me. “Since when is this song written in four-four time?”

  He’s right, it’s totally my fault we sound awful, but before I can admit it, Zane is jumping Finn’s ass again. “Maybe you should stop focusing on partying and worry about pounding out a new chart topper?”

  “Up yours,” Finn mutters. I realize the two of them are ready to throw down. Finn’s hands are gripping the neck of his guitar so hard his knuckles are white.

  “Hey, hey, fellas,” DeSilva intervenes. “There’s no pressure here. Tonight’s concert is gonna be great. Just like the superstars you are.”

  Zane i
gnores Marco. He steps away from the mic and shoots me a questioning look. “You gonna make it, Liam? You’ve been lagging behind all afternoon.”

  I shrug. “Dunno, man. Just not feeling it, I guess.”

  That’s a lie. I know exactly what’s wrong. And I’m not the only one. Zane compresses his lips.

  “You’re the lifeblood of the group,” Zane interrupts. “We follow your beat.” He puts his hand on my shoulder after I hop out from behind my drum set. “Pull it together, okay?”

  I’ve always liked Zane, maybe even looked up to him a little. The oldest of our trio, he takes the role of front man most seriously—onstage and off.

  After a short break, we stumble through three more songs, and by then I’m ready to call it quits. I wait for DeSilva to stalk off and make a call before apologizing to my bandmates.

  “Sorry, guys.” I want to say more, but there’s no words. Hell, there’s no more music. Not for me. Not anymore.

  “What the hell?” Finn doesn’t say anything more, but he sets his guitar on the stand, clearly ready to quit himself.

  “Cool it. He and Beth broke it off,” Zane replies tersely.

  I wait for Finn to blow up on me, but he doesn’t. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and hunches his shoulders. “Her choice or yours?”

  “I think it was mutual.” Total lie.

  “Then why do you feel so bad?” Finn stares at me.

  And I’m struck by the fact that my bandmate just had his wedding demolished, and he’s still functioning. I’d never had the chance to ask Beth to be my wife, and I’m destroyed. Sure, Finn’s been moping but there wasn’t the raging heartbreak there. Nothing like what I was feeling.

  “I think the bigger question is why you don’t feel awful, Finn.”

  Finn’s mouth opens and closes, then opens again. He looks straight at Zane when he answers. “Because, honestly, I didn’t love Trish.”

  Zane takes a step backwards. His eyes are burning. He doesn’t speak.

  “Uh, guys…did I miss something?” I ask.

  “Nothing important.” Finn shrugs. “But if I was in your shoes, I’d talk to Beth before the concert.”

  “About what?” What more can I say? What more can I do?

  Zane finds his voice. “Tell her how you feel, Liam. Before it’s too late.”

  Maybe I hadn’t said all there was to say. I missed kissing Cadence’s chubby cheeks. In fact, I missed it more than I loved making music. I’m stunned to realize music’s not the only important thing in my life anymore.

  I’d been so happy these past few weeks with Beth, and now my life is emptier than ever. A hole that can’t be filled—not by a million cheering fans at a hundred concerts. When it comes right down to it, it’s not the adoration that feeds my soul. It’s love. Loving Beth—the one person who’d believed in me, who’d loved me before all the rock star bullshit came along. Everything else is just…background noise.

  I can’t believe I’ve lost her again. I’m about to have the biggest regret in my life—losing her for a second time.

  Gordon, one of our roadies, walks in and sets a broken mic stand near the corner.

  I put my sticks aside. “Hey, Gordon. Can you give me a ride?”

  “Whoa, whoa.” DeSilva snaps to attention. “Where do you think you’re going? We’ve got interviews and another sound check in an hour.”

  I slide my arms into the sleeves of my leather jacket. There’s no way in hell I can focus on a concert when I’ve lost the love of my life for a second time. “I’ll make it.”

  “The hell you will!” DeSilva explodes. “We’re in the midst of contract negotiations with the label, Liam. Don’t blow this.”

  I freeze. The eyes of my bandmates, men who are as close to me as brothers, focus on me.

  And I don’t care.

  “I need to take care of some personal business, Marco. Trev and Gordon will make sure I get back.” I motion to the pair of roadies hanging near the door as if they’re ready to bolt. If I don’t go after Beth now, I’ll always regret it.

  “No way.” DeSilva is livid. “I forbid it. I—”

  Forbid? No one freaking forbids me to do anything anymore. I take one step towards him, my fists clenched and ready to come to blows, if that’s what it takes. Then I remember who and where I am. That I’m a better man. I let my fingers uncurl with a slow exhale.

  “Can it, Marco.” Zane’s husky voice is quietly menacing. He gives me a grim look. “Go on, Liam.”

  “You can’t tell him that,” sputters DeSilva. “You’re not in charge!”

  “You’re right, Marco. I am in charge of my own life.” I grab my coat, ignoring the shouting match starting up, and whiz past Trev and Gordon. “Let’s go.”

  I lope down the hall and out the double doors, with Trev and Gordon on my heels. Trev pops the locks, and I slide into the driver’s seat as Gordon buckles up in the passenger seat.

  “Where to?” Trev vultures over my shoulder as we back out of the parking spot.

  “Gotta see about a girl.” I swerve into the lane, pointing the SUV toward Beth’s apartment. With no traffic, we’ll be there in fifteen minutes, which doesn’t give me much time to kiss and make up. If she’ll even have me.

  I press a little harder on the gas pedal, pushing the boundaries of the speed limit as much as I dare. We make it to her place in ten.

  “Beth!” I pound on her apartment door. “It’s me. Liam. Open up, I want to talk to you.”

  No answer. I try calling her cell. Also no answer. Either she’s home but doesn’t want to talk to me, or she’s not home and has no way to know that I’m outside her door, hoping to salvage our relationship. Our family. Our life.

  I press my ear to the window near the door. No sounds of Cadence cooing or crying. No music playing. The place is lifeless, which means she isn’t purposefully snubbing me. But where else would she be on a Saturday afternoon?

  Playing in the park with Cadence?

  Helping Cormack figure out the mess at the pub?

  At the Conservatory?

  Then I remember how her mom torched the Auld Rogue and realize she’s probably down there handling things, as usual. Even if she isn’t at the pub, someone there will know where I can find her. I check the clock on the dashboard. Forty-five minutes to find Beth and make up for all my past mistakes, because there’s no way I’m playing a concert in front of thousands without her love and support. There’s no way I’m leaving tomorrow or the next day or the day after that until I’ve got a home with Beth and Cadence, because without them, I’ve got no heart.

  I vault down the stairs and back into the car, rocketing into traffic.

  Trev pokes his head up from the back seat. “Whoa, man. Slow down. We gotta get there safe, you know.”

  “Right.” I force myself to maintain a normal speed. Getting pulled over by the cops would seriously cut into my window of opportunity to set things right. We navigate the streets with my chest feeling like an elephant is sitting on me. Two left turns and another right. The traffic crawls to a stop through the major intersections.

  “C’monnnn.” Gordon slaps the dash.

  “We’ll make it.” My heart leaps into my throat and stays there until we near the pub.

  Then it plummets like a rock.

  “Holy hell.” I cut the engine.

  It looks like a bomb went off. The Auld Rogue is charred and half the roof is missing. Black smears streak the brick façade, the front door is smashed in, and all the windows are shattered. It’s a black, empty husk.

  “Dude. Some kinda fire, man.” Gordon whistles through his teeth.

  Cormack had told Beth most of the damage was interior, but it looks a lot worse than I expected. All this damage from a dropped cigarette? It just doesn’t seem possible.

  I head inside, finding Patrick Murphy sifting listlessly through a pile of burnt, broken chairs while a pretty redhead bounces a familiar baby on her hip.r />
  My baby.

  “Cadence!” I exclaim.

  At the sound of my voice, or maybe just her name, my baby girl turns and burbles happily at me.

  “Dee de deee.” It’s close enough to Daddy that my heart wants to burst with pride. She stretches out her chubby arms. I swoop in and catch her before she drools on the scuffed, sooty floors.

  “You must be Liam.” The woman smiles. “I’m Paige. Cormack’s wife.”

  “Nice to meet you.” I duck my head to plant a kiss on Cadence’s crown. She smells heavenly, like baby and Beth all rolled into one, even above the scent of charred ashes. “Beth’s told me how great you are with Cadence.”

  “She’s a joy.” Paige’s eyes sparkle. “But you knew that already.”

  I shift uncomfortably. “I do now. Is Beth here? I need to talk to her.”

  “No. She and Cormack left a while ago to meet with the insurance adjuster.”

  I glance around. “Is everyone okay?” I’m surprised to find that I’m just as worried about Ms. MacGuire as I am her daughter and granddaughter. “How’s Ms. MacGuire?”

  “She’s fine. Just some minor smoke inhalation.”

  “And the pub?” I take in the shattered, sooty, water-soaked wreckage. “Will they rebuild?”

  “Doubt it. Building structure’s sound, but the interior is a mess. City’s been after them for the past year. Cor and Beth have done all they can to keep it afloat, but it’s grim.”

  “I’m so sorry.” I nuzzle my baby. What would that mean for Beth and Cadence?

  “It was bound to happen sooner or later. Ma’s been sliding downhill, despite everything Beth and Cormack do.”

  “I’ve got some money put aside if that will help.” They’re such a close-knit family. I can’t imagine what that would be like—but I want to. I want to be here, with people who will have my back and who I can support, too, no matter what.

  “I don’t know if it will. The city and all…” She trails off.

  We both look around helplessly. “What will happen now?”

  Paige shrugs. “Cormack does what he can—but he’s a numbers guy. He’ll find another job, I’m sure. Ma’s been relying on Beth to pick up the pieces and fill the gaps. The poor girl’s withered away trying to be everything to everyone.” She gives me a sharp look. “Beth needs help, with more than just the baby.”