Please Don't Tell My Parents I Blew Up the Moon

by Richard Roberts

  There had to be a rule beyond just memorizing these equations. The area of a circle and the volume of a sphere were so similar, they were obviously connected. Triangles and cones were clearly linked. There had to be a system.

  If only my superpower actually made me super smart, instead of just providing me with blueprints for random crazy inventions.

  The fire alarm went off, interrupting my brooding over injustice. A couple of high school kids squeaked. We all looked at the teacher, and she waved her arms, so we shuffled out the class and down the stairs and out onto the lawn in a loose cloud.

  Across the street, the crowd in front of Northeast West Hollywood Middle was a lot more concentrated, gathered in a ring around one corner of the building. I felt distinctly antsy. It was proooobably coincidence, but my secret lair was under that corner!

  Ray and I were legitimately students of Northeast West Hollywood Middle, not high school students like the ones crowded around us. We had an excuse to make our way over to get a better look. This certainly didn’t look like a fire.

  Someone ran across the street to meet us. ‘Zipped’ might have been a better word. Claudia lunged the last ten feet so fast that even Ray couldn’t react in time.

  I wanted to worry about her secret identity. It was hard with her face suddenly in mine, shoulders set, so close I could barely make out clenched fists by her side.

  “What are you playing at, Penelope Akk?” She stood so close I could feel her breath on my face, and the sense of barely restrained violence would have shocked anyone who only knew her as meek, depressed Claudia and hadn’t seen her as Generic Girl.

  “I’m not playing at anything.” I had no idea what was going on!

  Whatever she suspected me of, ‘lying’ must not have been on the list. She turned and stomped back across the street at a normal human pace.

  Now I definitely had to find out what was going on. I ran across the street towards the crowd, listening to the fire alarm ringing inside Northeast West Hollywood Middle. At least no one paid any attention to the locked side doors that led down to my lair. They clustered around the regular exit, trying to get a peek inside. I resisted the urge to shout ‘Supervillain coming through!’ and settled for worming my way in with rude elbows. My passage became significantly easier when Ray caught up and used a fraction of his super strength to nudge people out of my way.

  I did notice that one tiny blonde, probably a sixth grader, resisted his nudge with no effort. Another superhero’s kid?

  At the door, teachers and a few particularly stubborn kids gathered around the entrance to the computer lab. Cracking noises clashed with the alarm bell. Hoo boy. Super-powered trouble, alright.

  Well, super-powered trouble was my business now. The security guard grabbed for me, but Ray pushed me past, letting the guard grab him instead. I slipped under Mr. Geisser’s arm, and got my first look inside the lab.

  Blue light flashed and crackled everywhere. A head-sized ball of lightning swooped and darted erratically around the room, reaching out arcs of electricity like fingers to trace black char over the walls and tables. The computers were already all blown. Some of the monitors flickered with actual fire, and ash fouled the ports of the towers. The three printers had been reduced to piles of half-melted scrap and scattered parts.

  In the middle of one table sat a big battery, one of those oversized batteries for flashlights, painted yellow with a crude blue face and a zigzag mouth. In the air above hung a sign, written in twisting blue lightning letters. ‘TOP THIS.’

  Mr. Geisser put his hand on my shoulder. He had to speak up to be heard over the crackling lightning and ringing fire alarm. “Don’t get involved, Penelope.”

  “I’m already involved,” Isaid, before the thoughts finished forming in my head. I was. This had to be aimed at me.

  Mr. Geisser’s hand tightened on my shoulder, and he turned me to look up at him. His red moustache curled into a bow around his frowning mouth. “No, you aren’t. Everybody knows the Inscrutable Machine go to this school. This is a challenge for Bad Penny.”

  “Well, Penny Akk is going to answer it,” I snapped back, yanking my shoulder free and stepping into the room.

  It was dumb. Mr. Geisser was right, this would only cause trouble, make me a target, and my fragile cover was strained to the limit already. One thing was more important than all that.

  The modified battery sat on my computer desk. My workstation was a smoking mess. All my class projects were gone. My semi-sentient computer program was gone. Whoever did this would pay, oh yes, they would pay. I’d start by making them look like a fool.

  The lightning wisp swooped towards me immediately. I held up my wrist, and the bolts of electricity that spat at me grounded in the Machine. The Machine could eat the entire lightning wisp, but that would be far too easy. I had the greatest mad science power since Tesla, and everyone would watch me use it to crush this mystery vandal’s prize creation.

  My power responded immediately. Wires and circuit boards and electrical parts of all kinds surrounded me on all sides. I just had to…

  No. No. I was not going to do that power. Penelope Akk made purely mechanical inventions, things like the Machine. Bad Penny could make absolutely anything, but everyone—and especially my mother—had to believe Penelope Akk’s theme was clockwork.

  Well, that wouldn’t be a problem. Rotating magnetized metal would do nicely. Reaching under my desk, I hauled my blasted computer tower up onto the surface and unwound the Machine. “Eat.”

  All I had to do was keep my hand on the Machine as it worked. The Machine sucked the wisp’s lightning bolts down when it came near, eating faster after every strike. Legs withdrew, replaced by longer, thicker spikes. New plates slid out to cover old plates, storing the metal. By the time the Machine finished recycling my poor, murdered computer, it had swollen to the size of a dog, and looked like a white and copper ladybug.

  “Gear. This big. Thirty-two spokes. Gear. This big. Sixteen spokes.”

  The Machine spat out the parts I wanted. I got to work hooking them together. Gears were just the beginning. I needed an escapement, which meant a lot of fiddly parts. That would keep the magnetized gears made from my hard drive turning in the right rhythm.

  Compared to my power’s normal creations, this was easy. It was just… obvious. This bent arm would be pushed to the side by every tick of the gears. The spring would relax at just the right pace. I had tons of extra metal to make a case.

  I twisted, locked, and wound. It didn’t take long. I knew it didn’t take long, because I never quite slipped under. I was involved, this time. The same motion that made the magnetic gears spin turned the larger connecting gear, moving them around in a circle. The winding key was just to get things started.

  I twisted the key, slapped the fat disk I’d built on the table, and stepped back, cradling the still heavy Machine in my arms.

  Live, my sweet creation! Live! Figuratively.

  Tick. Tick. I could see the gears turning in my head. I could see a lot of them turning on the table, since the design required open spaces to hold the wisp.

  Tick. Tick. The electrical sign hovering above my construct twisted, bending down with each tick.

  The wisp flew past, and jerked to a halt. It flew off in another direction, only to be stopped one exact second later. Heh heh heh. This was why my device had to tick. The wisp had just enough decision-making ability to fight a steady pull. It couldn’t deal with a sharp, relentless rhythm.

  The wisp bounced around in a circle, but the circle kept shrinking. It passed through the ‘TOP THIS’ sign, sucking the letters into itself. Already bent towards my creation, they pulled the wisp down.

  One arc of lightning hit the grounding arms of my invention, and in a literal flash, the sign and wisp collapsed into the open space at the center of my gears. Got it!

  Blue and white light shone out of the center of the device. Until the electricity ran out, the grounding arms would turn, keeping faithf
ul time.

  Clockwork was my theme? Fine. I’d built a pocket watch the size of a Frisbee. My calling card would sit beside my challenger’s calling card, and everyone would know who the better mad scientist was. Turning, I walked out the door and into the hall, where the teachers made room for me.

  Then I collapsed against the lockers on the opposite wall and took a deep, slow breath.

  The assistant principal―I didn’t know her name―gave an order to one of the guards. “We can shut off the fire alarm now.”

  Mr. Geisser leaned over me, close enough that he could talk over the alarm and not be yelling to the whole crowd. “You did a good job, Penny, but as a favor to me, please don’t do it again.”

  I nodded. I had kinda let my ego get the better of me. More than kinda. “Yeah, okay.”

  The fire alarm stopped. In the almost painful silence, the assistant principal shouted, “Last period is about to start! Get to your classes, children!”

  With a chorus of ‘awww’s, kids streamed past us back into the building. Some of them gave me curious looks. A lot more gawked at my calling card and the nameless junior villain’s, side by side.

  I just lay against the cold metal locker and listened.

  “I heard Penny Akk got her dad’s powers.”

  “A watch? Kind of stupid, isn’t it?”

  “Better than a battery. Who do you think left that?”

  “Wouldn’t tell you if I knew.”

  New voices.

  “Had to be Bad Penny. Had to be.”

  “If it is, Little Miss Penny Perfect is in trouble. I have heard stories. She might as well stick her head in a microwave as challenge Bad Penny. The result is the same, and it will save time.”

  Oh, criminy. Penny Perfect? That was an even stupider name than Bad Penny! And you’ve heard stories, mysterious girl I wasn’t going to open my eyes to identify? From your father? Older brother? What villain are you related to? Probably Leviathan and Hagfish. Did Sharky have a sister? A smarter sister?

  A new voice, but getting quieter as she walked away.

  “Me, I’m placing no bets. How long did it take her to build a countermeasure? Five minutes?”

  “Yes, she is good, but it does not matter. Bad Penny is the ultimate. Penny Akk is at best penultimate.”

  Someone else giggled. “Penultimate?”

  A lot more laughter, fading into the crowd.

  Penultimate. Okay, a better name than Perfect Penny, but I was still going to get so much ribbing. As if I needed more reasons to be tired of middle school!

  I felt a pat on my shoulder and opened my eyes. Mr. Geisser pushed me towards the exit, the opposite direction all the other kids were going in. “You don’t have a classroom to go to. Take a break, hero.”

  Ha! If only he knew.

  Still, I’d only made it through the school day because of all the superpowered weirdness. It felt good to step outside onto the grass, feel the cool winter breeze, and know I would get to go home early. Should I call my mom?

  An older teenage boy in a uniform trotted up to me, squeaked, “Telegram for Penelope Akk,” and handed me an envelope. As I gaped at it and him, he trotted back to the sidewalk, got on his bicycle, and pedaled away.

  Even for my life, that was weird.

  All the envelope said, in crudely typed letters, was PENELOPE AKK. I broke the glue seal, and pulled out the stiff, folded, sepia-colored paper.

  DEAR PENELOPE STOP YOUR PRESENCE AND THAT OF YOUR COMRADES IS REQUESTED IN CHINATOWN IMMEDIATELY STOP I HAVE DIVERTED YOUR PARENTS SUSPICIONS STOP YOU HAVE MY WORD THAT THIS IS WORTH YOUR WHILE STOP DRESS FOR BUSINESS STOP

  Chinatown. Spider had a job for the Inscrutable Machine.

  ot that it’s ever as easy as just showing up in Chinatown. I had to get my equipment and costume, which meant sneaking into my lair. Using the front door during school hours was not going to fly.

  Fortunately, whoever originally built the lair loved his secret exits. I went down the street, pushed the mailbox aside, and climbed down the tunnel it covered. Probably someone saw me, but everybody knew LA sat atop a labyrinth of lairs, tunnels, labs, and vaults. By the time a hypothetical watcher decided I was worth snapping a picture, I’d have the tunnel sealed again.

  Yeah, actually it did kinda make me nervous to use this obvious a secret entrance, but nothing happened. I did have to get out my phone to use as a flashlight, because the tunnel leading back into the base didn’t have working lights. In the world of evil lair real estate, my lab was what they call a ‘fixer-upper’ or ‘lemon’ or ‘literal hole in the ground.’

  Once I emerged into the ugly green metal dome of my lair’s central chamber, my eagerness returned. Okay, first thing, I wrestled into my jumpsuit as fast as I could. Ray hadn’t shown up by the time I fastened the buckles, so good enough. I scooped the last half a dozen pennies out of my cursed statue, and made a note to get more for it to charge.

  My brand new psychic cat lay wrapped up in a ball on my workbench. Without a brain of his own, Archimedes went into hibernation when he wasn’t connected. I unwound his tail, hooking it back over my shoulder under my jumpsuit instead of wrapping the tail around my neck. Red marks back there would just look like bruises.

  Archimedes locked his short black legs around my forearm and opened his ruby eyes. Doing so felt really clumsy, but I could make him swing his head around, stretch his back, and everything.

  I tickled him under his chin, not entirely sure if I could feel the touch through his nerves. “The hickey thing is going to become a deal breaker fast, Archimedes, and that’s a shame because you are so stupid awesome.”

  He said, “Meow!” because I made him.

  “Are you down there?” Claire’s voice echoed out of another side exit.

  “Almost… ready!” I picked up the friction bullet neutralizer off a worktable, and let it fall back with a thunk. Two thunks, as yet another piece fell off. Turns out, it had been one use only.

  Sometimes, superpower. Ooh.

  I had Archimedes, some pennies, my costume, and the Machine. I wanted my teleport bracelets soooo bad, but I’d left them at home. I needed to make up my mind about when to wear the bracelets and the Machine and stick to that plan.

  What I needed was to get moving!

  Claire called, “Ray and I are already changed. Shake your evil tail, slowpoke!”

  We took the Red Line downtown. Riding the subway had to be less attention getting than using our superpowers to take us down surface streets, right? Anyway, without my teleport bands, we had trouble getting anywhere together.

  I perched on a subway seat telling myself that, in full supervillain regalia and scratching Archimedes under his chin. At three in the afternoon, there was plenty of space for riders to ignore us. Almost all of them did.

  Glee bubbled up inside me because of the one single guy who didn’t. He wore a brown leather jacket and loose jeans, but underneath, the college age guy at the end of the train car was clearly wearing light body armor with a silver pattern-mimicking circuitry. He used way too much hair gel to get those black spikes, and lounged with his arm stretched over the back of the seats as if his power was super mellowness. He wanted everybody to know that, hey, here was a superhero slumming with the regular folks.

  Ray and Claire grinned at him the whole trip. None of us said anything. Nobody made any hostile moves. But he gave us the ‘I’m watching you’ such-a-tough-guy stare, and Ray and Claire beamed back supervillain arrogance.

  As the leader of the legendary Inscrutable Machine, I was above such things. Also, my helmet had a full facemask to protect from burns while I worked. So, you know, not an option.

  When we disembarked at Union Station, he rose to follow. I pointed Archimedes at him and ordered, “Sit.”

  Too surprised to fight, he sat back down. Ha! This was the end of the line, so when the train turned around, his life should get entertaining.

  We ran up the stairs, and strolled along the downtown streets shoul
der to shoulder, getting only a handful of gawkers. One girl started to swoop down on Archimedes and me, eyes alight with a joy of cats, when the guy she was with pulled her away.

  No, it was Chinatown where folks cleared a path for us. Nobody, villains or heroes, walked around in costume in Chinatown during business hours. Afterhours, villains might rule this roost, but Spider’s truce left the regular businesspeople unbothered during the day. There might even be a villain or two undercover keeping down regular crime.

  That truce was one of the reasons we were here. I was confident Spider wouldn’t invite us here only to ambush us now that we were official supervillains. It would be breaking her own rules.

  Eh. Honestly, I wasn’t even that worried. For heroes and villains both, winning and losing gracefully is a virtue. No hard feelings. See you tomorrow.

  Not that Spider isn’t a devious mastermind, but we had no more or less reason to fear her than any other supervillain.

  I spotted one of those villains as we came up on the big central mall that dominates Chinatown. A young woman, maybe high school senior, maybe fresh-faced college age, loitered by one of the entrances. She looked creepily like me, plus a few years. Brown braided pigtails and dorky glasses included. I’d last seen her in a rumpled school uniform. Now that same grey shirt and plaid skirt poufed so neatly, they might have been armor-plated with starch.

  She Who Wots was definitely not the supervillainess I’d expected to see hanging around. Not with a guy hitting on her, either. Okay, she seemed conscious and didn’t have a tentacled nightmare mass hanging around, but she still had a glassy, deranged stare visible even from here. As I watched, she leaned up, kissed him on the mouth, and headed over to us. He stayed where he was.

  Even awake, she didn’t walk right. She Who Wots’ sneakers never took two steps at the same pace. How do you even greet someone that nuts? By letting her do it.

  “It begins.” She sounded gleeful, but her gaze wandered all over the place, not settling on any of us. Oh, and up close, her eyes were the color of violets and had star shaped pupils. No, pentagram shaped pupils. Had her eyes been like this last time?