“You hardly discuss your gut feelings anymore. You rarely see Lotus, Celeste, or the rest of your family except at these ridiculous baby christenings that upset you. You spend too much time with Mannette and the idiots she parades in and out of her life. She’s hollowing you out and turning you into a plot device for ratings, with our lives treated like a subplot to her daily melodrama. I understand you feel manipulated by the luck gene, but it’s like you want to deny everything about yourself so you can become a bland One Gov drone.”
I pushed against his chest with all my strength and finally he moved back. “I’m not a One Gov drone! I know exactly who I am, and you can’t expect me to accept all this or change who I am. You’re just being cruel.”
“No, I’m saying it because you need to face reality. You’re not happy, so you’re trying to fill the void in the hopes of dulling that feeling. Admit what you’ve known all along. We can’t have a child together. We will never have a child. Say it, Felicia. I want to hear you say the words.”
“Do you want me to admit we’re a mistake then? Do I leave here and we move on like we never happened? Should I be with Brody instead? Is that what you want? Should I get started on divorcing you?”
I shrieked the questions at him, my voice getting louder, higher, shriller, more panicked. I felt out of control, like I careened wildly over the side of a cliff. Feodor began whimpering. People were staring. I ignored it all because I couldn’t focus on any of it. I wasn’t sure I could even concentrate on Alexei. All I felt was my own panic—the air not getting into my lungs, my heart beating like it might explode under the strain; the sense the world had dropped out from under me and I couldn’t support myself.
I started to yank off my robin’s-egg-sized diamond ring, intending to throw it at him. Alexei caught my wrists, holding my hands still in my lap. In a low, tight voice, he said, “Felicia, calm down before you act without thinking. I already know my decision, but it isn’t all up to me. You need to decide what you want. Then we need to determine if those things are mutually compatible.”
“Mutually compatible,” I echoed. I looked down into my lap, at his hands gripping mine, and stared at the pattern on my lavender dress. Were those flowers? I couldn’t seem to remember anymore because they didn’t make sense. Just like none of this made sense. “What does that even mean?”
He sighed and sounded tired and worn out. “I don’t know what it means either, but we need to figure it out together.”
When he leaned in to brush a kiss against my forehead, I flinched away. “Don’t. Roy used to kiss me like that on his way out the door, like I was an afterthought. I didn’t know my life with him was pretend. Just like this was always pretend, I guess.”
He made a sound like a wounded animal. “You know this isn’t pretend. This is us, and it’s real.”
“You have to stop,” I said simply. “I can’t listen to this anymore.”
His hands let go of my wrists and dropped to his sides. He eased back in his seat but didn’t move so far that his body lost contact with mine. His thigh still brushed mine, so I pushed my stool away in abrupt, decisive movements. I knew he watched me, wanted me to meet his eyes. Instead, I avoided eye contact. No touching. No looking.
I heard him sigh again, and when he spoke, his voice was low and gravelly. “I’m not saying any of this to hurt you, but I need you to wake up.”
I gave a brittle laugh. “So that’s what this is: a wake-up call. Guess I should have realized that, because it’s what you do. You wake me up to face reality whether I’m ready or not. Like with Roy. My mother. The luck gene. The homunculus. Who you really are. Now this. I have you to thank for all the big revelations in my life, so thanks for everything.” I slipped down from the barstool, desperate to get away. I couldn’t be near him a second longer. “It’s too bad that now that we’re both wide awake, this feels like a nightmare.”
With that, I turned and went into the house, leaving both him and the dog behind.
13
After that, I don’t know what happened to the passage of time. It stopped, sped up, or vanished entirely. Shell-shocked was the best way to describe my state of mind. Battle-fatigued and weary, I could no longer cope with the onslaught of bad news and its disastrous consequences. I didn’t want to deal with the trauma of more revelations, whatever they might be, so I just stopped thinking about pretty much anything. I know I spent the rest of the evening in my small office looking at my cards, shuffling idly, not sure what they said. I laid endless spreads, but their meaning was lost on me.
When I wasn’t doing that, I watched the only face-chat shim I’d ever saved from my father—the one where he’d contacted me after I’d gotten married. I’d been so annoyed at his casual, offhanded attitude, I’d never shimmed him back. Why should I care about his life when he hadn’t cared about mine? Julien Sevigny was the man who’d dumped me like yesterday’s trash when things had gotten too difficult and he couldn’t handle reality. I always prided myself on facing the hard truths and dealing with them, but Alexei had proven that wasn’t the case. I could be as willfully blind as the next person. Maybe that made me more like my father—a man I’d always despised for his weakness—than I realized.
Morning came and I had to go back into work. I coasted on autopilot as I readied myself. Alexei kept checking on me as he had the previous evening, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. Downstairs, I noticed the furniture was gone from the front sitting room, leaving the space curiously empty. I studied the emptiness, noting how aptly it represented my life.
“Do you want to take Feodor today?” Alexei asked before I left for the office.
We stood in the vehicle port at the side of the house, me beside the flight-limo, Alexei in the doorway. He wore a loose blue T-shirt and shorts that rode low on his hips. The casual outfit said he planned on using the personal fitness center he’d had installed in the house; he hadn’t been happy with any of the facilities available on Mars so he’d designed his own. With me were the usual chain-breaker bodyguards.
“I had him yesterday. I don’t want you to feel like you’re not getting equal time.”
He hesitated, looking like he might say something else. Then he nodded.
“The CN-net media outlets are reporting protests throughout the tri-system. Secretary Arkell’s broadcast didn’t go well. There was even an attempted firebombing of One Gov’s headquarters in Brazil. It might be safer if you worked from home,” he said, his voice mild as he tried to point out the obvious while not wanting to tell me what to do.
“One Gov hooahs can handle the security, so I’m not worried. Besides, I should be there. I don’t want to look like I abandoned my post, even if I think One Gov is handling this wrong. People want answers. In their shoes, I’d march against One Gov too.”
“As a precaution, I’m temporarily increasing your security detail.”
“I thought you said the Consortium was stretched too thin.”
“I want you safe” was all he said.
Since I couldn’t disagree with his logic, I nodded. I turned to leave but he called out, stopping me. I could barely meet his gaze. He held up a silver travel canister containing my morning coffee.
“I assume you want this?”
I’d been so rushed to get away, I’d forgotten my daily shot of caffeine. And now he was holding my coffee hostage. I sighed, both of us knowing I wouldn’t leave it behind.
“Thanks.” I tried to take it from him, but he wouldn’t let go. And despite my best efforts, our fingers touched.
“The CN-net reboot wasn’t our fault. You know that, right?”
That made me meet his eyes, so blue and sincere right then. “I still feel responsible—we were there. It wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t poked around the Renew repository. But I deserved answers about my family. So even though I feel responsible, I’m angry too. I can’t let whoever did this hurt anyone else.”
“We won’t,” he said, and I heard the conviction in his voi
ce. As fragile as I felt, I liked hearing that. I liked knowing he would do whatever he could to make this right.
He tried to kiss me, but I turned my head and he ended up kissing my cheek. He sighed, releasing the coffee.
“I’ll see you at home tonight.” The words were innocuous and normal, yet layered with so many things left unsaid and unresolved, I couldn’t face them.
“Thanks for the coffee. I have to go,” I said instead.
I got in the flight-limo without another word, slouching in the seat in my relief to get away.
The trip to work was uneventful, with none of the stomach twinges I often felt when the flight-limo took off too quickly. I sipped my coffee, watching the city drift by without seeing. One chain-breaker sat across from me. The other sat up front with the pilot. While most vehicles were automated, Alexei preferred a pilot on board to cope with situations an AI couldn’t handle.
It was our usual morning routine, until it wasn’t.
I noticed we were taking a detour and when I questioned it, I got a terse “odin gov aktsiya protesta, trebuyetsya perenapravit.” One Gov protest. Reroute required. Gods, my chain-breaker was practically on fire with conversation and gossip this morning.
When I checked my messages, I noted a ping from Felipe suggesting I stay home. However, if I planned on coming in to work, I should come around through the back. I pinged a reply, saying I was already on my way. Home wasn’t an option, but no one else needed to know that.
My pilot ended up going around the block to bypass the protesters in front of One Gov’s headquarters and entered through a convoluted maze of passageways at the back of the building. One Gov hooahs stood warily at their post as I climbed out of the flight-limo, hidden behind my chain-breaker security. An awkward sort of handoff followed as I passed between two different security teams, neither of whom trusted the other. Gods forbid there be a credible threat, as I doubted either side could work together. When the handoff was done, I was whisked inside by armored hooahs dressed in black riot gear and carrying all manner of weaponry.
I met Caleb Dekker just inside the building. His expression was both amused and entertained.
“Come to watch the sideshow?” I asked, as we walked down an industrial gray hallway. It was all utilitarian and functional-looking with harsh lighting and concrete everything else.
“When the Under-Secretary got your ping, he sent me to meet you,” he said as he fell into step beside me. “I’m surprised you’re here. The past twenty-four hours have been an insane ride. People say Secretary Arkell should step down, and no one believes One Gov’s claims the CN-net is safe. If the media outlets found out the twenty thousand deaths were directly related to an out-of-control AI queenmind, it’d be chaos wrapped up in disaster.”
“How do they expect to keep it quiet?”
“By carefully monitoring the data. The deaths were tri-system-wide, spread over billions of people. Even with the Renew treatments, no one lives forever. When you realize that thousands of people die each day, twenty thousand isn’t such an alarming number. That’s what the higher-ups are counting on.”
I stared at him. “That’s horrible.”
“I know, but that’s politics. If the media does uncover the truth, One Gov wants to have a scapegoat ready. Brody Williams and his team have been working nonstop, combing the queenmind. Williams is good, but I feel like he’s looking in the wrong direction. Arkell and his people are pushing the Consortium angle while Vieira is reserving judgment, which makes sense, considering.” There, Caleb gave me a pointed look before continuing with, “Williams may have his work cut out for him. He’s in a tough spot.”
“The Consortium has nothing to do with this. Alexei wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize the stability of the tri-system, especially not when he’s working with One Gov on the Callisto project. Plus I work here. He may not be a One Gov supporter, but he’d never do something that would cause an issue for me.”
“What if it’s someone working for him? Maybe there’s a faction in the Consortium not happy with the change in leadership.”
Caleb had no idea how off the mark he was. When Alexei had cleaned house after eliminating Belikov on Phobos, he’d made sure the only supporters left alive were his.
“Believe me when I say there’s no dissension in the Consortium.”
“Then I bow down to your superior insight.”
It didn’t take long before we were through the service hallways and had reached the main elevators. Through the glass front doors, I saw the small army of hooahs on patrol. Beyond were the protesters. The noise from the gathered crowd carried to us like the sound of a roaring ocean. It was one thing to know there would be protests, but seeing them in person was scary. Maybe coming in to the office hadn’t been my smartest idea. Then again, I couldn’t be around Alexei either.
I followed Caleb into the elevator and searched for something to say. He solved the problem for us.
“Part of me feels I should be out there protesting too. I can’t say I like what’s going on with One Gov either,” he said, making a vague gesture to the protesters.
“Usually they focus on fertility clinics. Seeing one outside where I work is a little surreal,” I agreed.
“Fertility clinic protesters just want attention. No one really expects One Gov will modify the Shared Hope program—not when guaranteeing healthy babies is what keeps them in power. Same as the Renew treatments. One Gov has convinced the tri-system those things are untouchable and sacrosanct. But if people think One Gov is messing with the CN-net, they get upset. Everyone believes they have complete freedom there, never realizing how much control One Gov has. When the truth rears its head like it has, suddenly everyone is worrying about civil liberties.”
“You sound suspiciously like Alexei,” I said, eyeing him.
“Guess that’s why I admire the man. He knows One Gov’s days are numbered, and he’s right—their iron grip is crumbling. The reboot has stirred everyone up and made them reconsider how much power and control One Gov should have. So much of our lives depends on the CN-net. If that falls apart, the tri-system goes with it. Personally, I prefer the flesh-and-blood world. But I also like my job, so I don’t plan on rocking any life rafts. It’ll be good to work on a project that impacts lives in a positive way, separate from all the other One Gov headaches. I’m looking forward to the progress we can make with Venus.”
Venus, yes, of course. I took a deep, cleansing breath. Caleb was my link to Venus and, maybe, finding out what happened to my father.
“How long since you’ve been on Venus?” I asked in between sips of coffee. The flavor was perfect, with just the right blend of almond supplement and sugar. I could even taste the splash of chocolate. I had to give the Russian credit; he knew how I liked my coffee.
“A little over one standard year, I’d say.”
“And you lived there over twenty-five years? Do you miss it?”
“Can’t say I’m in a rush to go back. I traveled, saw most of it, dealt with a lot of land disputes and border issues when I first arrived. Then I was assigned to the Venus Athenaeum and the Eye project, with the goal to create a sense of Venus’s cultural identity. One Gov wanted to produce a centralized repository of knowledge unique to Venus. Venus is wild and treacherous and you realize everyone is out for themselves. The Eye project was an attempt to make the population feel like they’re doing more than scrabbling in the dirt trying to survive.
“Everyone had access to the Athenaeum and could see the progress of the Eye recordings. It tracked everyone on the planet and chronicled their experiences through their citizenship chips and the camera web network around the planet. We tried to create a sense of unity and shared experience, with Venus as the common denominator shaping us. People on Venus had life experiences that no one on Earth or Mars could understand and we wanted to celebrate that. I can’t say how successful we were since everyone thought the Eye was another way for One Gov to spy on them. Lots of people went out of thei
r way to scramble its camera net. We tried our best but we fought a losing battle.”
That gave me an idea. “Do you think I’d be able to go through the Athenaeum to find out something about my father?”
Caleb scratched his chin thoughtfully. “I don’t see why not. I still have access to the system Librarian AI. If your father was on Venus, the Athenaeum would have a record of it. I could check into it for you.”
I nodded excitedly. “If you have time, I’d appreciate it. It’s been so long since I’ve heard from him. If I could find out if he is okay, it would mean the world to me.”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
The elevator opened and we got out. A second later, I had a ping from Felipe asking me to come to his office in two hours and bring my notes for Venus. I gave Caleb a sidelong glance. He had a look on his face that said he was checking something on the CN-net as well.
“Looks like the Under-Secretary wants to talk about Venus today too,” he said. “Guess I’ll see you in a couple of hours.”
I headed toward my office. “Looks like it. See you in a few.”
This meant I had time to contact Grandmother and tell her the latest. Wonderful. Just the conversation I wanted to have. Before I could talk myself out of it, I fished the holo-chip out of my desk, popped it into my c-tex, and let it connect. Maybe she wouldn’t be home. Maybe she’d be asleep. Maybe I could just leave a message. Maybe…
Grandmother’s image appeared in the face-chat shim. She looked perfectly made up and in charge. In fact, one would think she’d been waiting this whole time, knowing I was going to shim before I myself did. No, that was giving her too much credit. Not even Grandmother was that cagey.
“Hello, Grandmother. You look well.”
The Game of Luck Page 19