Mercy took to her knees to comfort him. As she gazed up at me, her eyes glistened, but she held her resolve even though her hair blazed white. “Samael, ” she whispered. “I’m here.”
With steady firmness, she removed his arm from around me tearing away layers of my fortitude, and I almost crumbled under the weight of my sadness, but I stood strong.
“We’ll go make our pleas to our Father,” she reassured him raising him to his feet. “And we’ll be back before Lilith even has a chance to miss us.” She smiled at him.
He stood, shook his head, closed his eyes, and rested his forehead on mine. Love and warmth radiated from him into me, filling me with a peace I’d almost forgotten existed. We stood, huddled together in silence, unspoken devotion between us.
He opened his eyes and peered into mine then he grabbed me in a forceful embrace. “I will come back to you,” he vowed and flew into the Heavens without another word, but the pain in his eyes had spoken volumes.
Mercy clutched me to her, kissing my forehead. “Don’t despair, Samael always keeps his word.” Her eyes brimmed with tears as she extended her wings and flew off behind him.
I ran after her to beg them not to go, although it had to be this way. I’d sent them away, after all. I loved them. I loved them dearly, but I needed them safe and alive. I couldn’t let the Creator harm them in retaliation for some deceit acted out by Adam.
As Mercy ascended to the Heavens and disappeared from my sight, I squeezed my eyes shut tight and a low moan gathered in the pit of my belly and poured out of me. I tried to form words but only low gutteral babble poured from my lips, and I fell to the ground releasing my hopelessness in long, racking sobs.
I am alone.
Adam sat beside me on the ground. “Don’t cry,” he mumbled, rubbing my head.
A strange sensation curled in my heart, twisting and turning until tears ceased to fall. Something inside me shifted, and I surrendered to the numbing cold that permeated my heart.
“I have a lot of work to do.” My voice echoed in my ears, flat and dull. “To prepare for you.” I stared blankly without meeting his eyes. “Come and rest while I make room for the harvest.” I wrapped my fingers around Adam’s, ready to guide him wherever I needed him to be. His touch felt peculiar to me, but I resolved myself to do what I must.
I tugged him upward then lead him into his new home and watched as satisfaction spread across his face. He flopped on the bed where I’d once learned the rules of my own body, of my own freedom. The place where Lucifer taught me the sensual lesson of how to take control of my destiny and where Samael had fulfilled my every desire. Now, the cave which had always held my hopes, dreams, and burgeoning sense of self had simply become my prison. Only a menacing shadow of myself remained, and my memories of freedom and love taunted me.
Adam stretched his arms over his head then brought them down and clasped them under his shock of hair, watching me.
“I have much to do before nightfall,” I said softly and left him in peace.
Scouring the area, I searched for softer ground outside the cave. I channeled all of my pain and anger as I dug in the dirt, clawing at it with my bare hands until they bled. Scooping the dirt and piling it high, I worked until my energy lay spent in a heaping lump. Finally, I made my way back to our old home, and I collected baskets then filled one with the remaining food from our harvest. In his lazinesness, Adam hadn’t picked anything new, and the basket remained only half full. Shaking my head in disgust, I grabbed some tools we’d fashioned from bamboo and made my slow return to the cave.
I’d spent until the sun hung low in the sky toiling away before Adam came out to check on me, but he never offered to help. From the position of the sun I knew Darkness would come soon, and I had to finish what I’d set out to accomplish.
Adam decided to go for a walk, and I asked him to collect water so I could refresh my aching thirst. After he left, I burrowed deeper into the ground, ignoring my exhaustion until the hole towered over my head by a good foot. Sweat slaked my skin, mixing with the mud and clay until I looked as if I, too, had been born of the dirt.
And in a sense I had been born anew in the image Adam wanted, a subservient shell of who I was meant to be, of who my angels taught me to be—one determined and strong, born of fire like Samael.
I waited inside the hole for Adam to return and help me out. Too tired to cry out for him, I fell onto the dirt floor and hugged my knees smearing the earthy substance all over my arms and face swirling circles and designs to entertain myself. When I could no longer see the sun, I grew fearful and called for him to help me. Finally, he returned, and with the help of the bamboo, pulled me from the depths of our new pit.
“Tomorrow, I’ll collect the remaining harvest, and we’ll keep it here,” I said as I pasted on a small smile. I didn’t want to displease him on the first day of our new existence together. “Now, I must go and wash before I prepare our food. The sunlight is almost gone.” I motioned toward the sky.
“I’ll go with you.” He smiled “I’m your protector. I shall protect you.”
I was too tired to refuse his help, or think of a gracious excuse to go alone, so he followed along with me to the stream. The cool waters sent a chill over my skin and Adam wrapped his arms around me to rub warmth in my body as I splashed the water over myself so I could bathe quickly, before the sun totally left us.
I shut my eyes and succumbed to his touch. Every pore in my body recoiled, but I willed myself to be still. To my relief, he didn’t try to invade me.
Quiet panic bloomed in my gut. I had to stick to my plan no matter what happened.
Lilith
The smell of burnt wood wafted into my nose and gave me a sense of relief and comfort. I peered into the fire, watching it dance and crackle, bending closer to warm my hands. The hypnotic pull didn’t sway Adam as it did me, for I sensed life in the burning flames and knew its energy. But he wasn’t born of fire like me and Samael, so its essence didn’t stir him. Samael. I forced the thought of my rugged warrior out of my mind, and concentrated on the swirling glow before me.
Try as I might to ignore it, Samael’s energy whirled in the roaring fire, and called to me, fierce and loud like him. When the wind blew past me it tamed the heat licking at my fingers, like Mercy tamed the heat burning in me, giving it balance and a deeper beauty and meaning. But my beloved Lucifer allowed me to burn, pouring his essence onto the fire, feeding the flames causing the hunger to fan and expand the raging inferno within me.
Lucifer...he is the fire.
A cool breeze tickled across my spine, and I shivered before moving in closer to the lulling flames.
Adam grasped my shoulder and gently nudged me away. “You must be careful,” he warned.
Sadness drew the corners of my mouth downwards, and I frowned, bobbing my head in slight acknowledgement. “I will,” I said, sounding more submissive than I intended.
To my relief, Adam didn’t bother me much as he ate his meal—mostly in quiet satisfaction. I couldn’t be sure if his happiness stemmed from his new home, but I suspected it came from running my angels off, as every once in a while a smug look settled across his face in the glow of the fire.
I stole away for a few moments, venturing off into the frigid night air. In the distant trees, insects chirruped and chirped, creating their music and filling the darkness above my head with the joyous sounds of nature. But all I wanted was for Samael’s chest to lean against while I listened to it.
When I peered into the hole I dug earlier, pride filled me at all my hard work, but it tugged something more, deeper in my heart. I placed the palm fronds over the opening and tried to cast all of my dashed hopes and fears into the hole. I’d told Adam it would hold our harvest, but it would also hold more - my fears, broken promises, lost hope. I would cast them all down into the hole. The Earth could claim them and keep them at its core.
I gathered up the rules of the Creator and the absurdity in the restraints He imposed o
n me and shackled me with—the idea of being subservient to Adam and no longer being free—and I mentally tossed them into the hole. But at the last moment, just as I saw my free will slipping from my grasp and being claimed by the greedy void I’d dug into the earth, I grasped it and drew it back, resolving to maintain, if nothing else, my free will. If the Creator couldn’t see His grand mistake, the flaw of it all, then surely, He did not possess Absolute Truth and couldn’t be completely trusted to know what was best for me. I would still rule my world.
Me.
Tears no longer formed in my eyes or stung my heart at His blatant disregard for my feelings or needs. Anger and mistrust had slipped into their place. The Creator’s words played through my head as I placed the last of the fronds over the hole and secured them with rocks. Nothing but pain and suffering awaits you outside of this paradise I have created for you inside the garden.
Surely, He had to know those things, pain and suffering, were already present in my life due to His oppressive whims. Why would He say they await me outside the garden when obviously they were everywhere—including His so called paradise? No place held a reprieve from pain and suffering as He tried to convince me with His erroneous statement.
Walking a while, I allowed the cold night air to dull my senses, spreading my arms out at my sides like two great wings and closed my eyes, breathing in the wind and trying to make sense of all the revelations pouring into my brain.
Nothing but pain and suffering awaits you outside this paradise.
With all my might I forced my eyes to close tighter, squeezing away the pain I felt in here, in this paradise. Those words kept haunting me as I played them over and over in my head, but instead of allowing them to perplex me, I used them to strengthen my boldness and move forward. No longer would I heed to the words of anyone—man, angel, or even the Creator without questioning my truth in it all.
I allowed myself to experience all the sensations playing through the night. Neither man nor beast could make me open my eyes, if I willed myself not to, and when Adam called to me, I ignored him. The smell of ferns and lillies floated into my nose, brought by a chilly breeze but they were snatched away as quickly, and I realized that life gives and it takes away—but not always in even measure.
“Lilith!” Adam’s voice blasted into my eardrums, rattling my core. I popped my eyes open. Heavy clouds peppered the moon obscuring most of the light in which to see our way.
Adam in his usual manner didn’t bring a flaming torch then blamed me for his stupidity. “Come back at once,” he ordered as I walked the familiar path home and left him floundering to find his way behind me..
My bones bristled and rebelled against his tone. “And if I don’t?” I shouted. Two small creatures scurried over my toes, and I vaulted backward as I did an awkward dance around them, jumping and squealing at the feel of their tiny claws against my feet.
“You’ve lost your senses,” he took a few steps closer. “You come back right now! That is my wish, and you will obey me.”
“Be quiet!” I screamed.
Something inside me could no longer tolerate the sound of his voice and my increasing irritation and frustration with him sped through my body, growing in force until a loud ominous scream forced itself from my mouth.
“I’m done with you not listening to me.” He shuffled closer, his shadowed figure looming toward me through the dark. “Obey me now and come!”
“No,” I said with a steely calmness, “I will not!”
He suddenly lunged toward me, striking fear in my heart, but I didn’t run. I balled my fists up ready to strike, but he stumbled on some rocks and let out a blood curdling scream. His body tumbled downward, collapsing the palm fronds and falling inside the hole I’d dug earlier.
I rushed over and saw him rubbing his head where a shaft of moonlight illuminated his position. “Are you all right?”
“Get me out of here at once.” The moon lit one side of his face and his eyes blazed with anger. “I’m telling the Creator you pushed me.” He shook his fist at me. “That is, if you don’t grab my hand,” he threatened.
“You threaten me with the Creator and expect my help?” The absurdity of it all grew in my belly until a small laugh escaped my lips. “And you’re supposed to be good for me? My true match?” I fumed. “We were never a good match, Adam, and if you care for me at all you’d realize that and let me go.” I crouched closer to the hole.
“I’m telling the Creator I no longer want you.” He pouted and sat down in the mud when his attempts to reach me failed.
“Let me go in peace,” I whispered, yet the plea for absolute freedom roared through my soul.
He let out a howling laugh. “I’ll have Him kill you then make me a new mate. He will believe anything I tell him now that he knows your true nature.” He stood up and stamped his foot in annoyance. Then he raised his hand, curling and uncurling his fingers as if to take hold of mine. “Now. Get. Me. Out!” Each word stood alone, and he swung his arms as he tried to reach me.
Anger yanked me to my feet as I narrowed my eyes and drilled my gaze through him, “I’m leaving you Adam. Alone. And I’m never coming back.” Something in my tone seemed to shake him.
“No, wait. I’m sorry.” Fear danced in his eyes. “I’ll be better. Don’t leave me here,” he begged.
I turned on my heels and walked away with a calm resolve. Strength pulsed through my veins when I could no longer hear his voice pleading, and lying, scrambling to entice me back. With a purposeful stride I picked up my pace, making my way to the cliff—the very one where I’d sat with Lucifer and watched the night sky while I’d rested my head on his shoulder.
Remembering the sensation of his fingers smoothing over my hair that night rumbled desire through my turbulent heart. And I reminisced... he’d told me that I was safe. Safe.
But I wasn’t safe. Nothing could protect me from pain and suffering. I closed my eyes, letting the soft lapping of the waves below entrance me. Nothing but pain and suffering awaits you outside of this paradise.
Sucking in a deep breath, I rose to my feet and blew it out in a steady stream. I had waited ever since my angels left, biding my time, building up the courage to release myself from this prison. For the Creator inadvertently told me the secret, one I held close in my heart, waiting for the right moment. I’d planned to push Adam in the hole to make my escape, but his stupidity took care of that for me.
I cast my gaze upon the Pool of Life. It shimmered under the moonlight, its magical waters stretching around as far as the eye could see. Yes, the Creator told me a secret—that there was a place outside of this paradise, and if only pain and suffering awaited me there, then I must be able to go there. And if Lucifer wasn’t in the Heavens and he wasn’t in the garden, then he must be in this other place. He must be there.
Perhaps he was even waiting for me.
I walked the length of the cliff, which hung over deeper waters. This was the only way out.
I steeled myself against my decision. “I won’t be a prisoner anymore!” I shouted, hoping my voice reached the Heavens and Samael and Mercy would hear my plea.
She’d once heard Lucifer’s cry, now I hoped she heard mine too. And that Lucifer could hear my resolve.
Turning away from the water I crept backwards until the heels of my feet dangled off the edge of the cliff. Stretching my arms out wide and unfurling wings I didn’t even own, I prayed for the strength to take flight. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes, breathing the salty air deep into my lungs.
In that moment, I knew I’d find peace or die trying, and I submitted to my situation. After one last breath, I stepped off the edge and plunged into the Living Waters of the Pool of Life. The place I’d been told to never gaze, nor drink of the waters, and now my very life depended on them cradling me in their arms and carrying me safely through to the unknown lands waiting for me on the other side.
And if they didn’t I would die trying.
My body sank d
eep into the Living Waters and I thrashed against the undertow as I tried to propel myself upward but the rush of the water moved me forward and deeper out into its folds. My arms flailed aimlessly as my head bobbed in the cold rush of the water as the height of the white caps thrashed me about. Torment scorched my lungs robbing me of air as dark waves filled my mouth over and over.
And I let go.
I gave in to the force dragging me down, and I looked up from beneath the depths. Peace filled me as the waters cradled me with love and devotion. I wondered if the Living Waters had delivered me to the Heavens, if it actually existed here, where the water broke over my body and washed away any living essence of what I thought I was or wanted. The insignificance of it all, of my life only a speck in these vast waters flashed before me. I felt safe cradled by the water, and it was all as I’d expected it should be.
I saw the birth of the Universe and a bright light twinkled far out in the darkness and flew at a rapid rate nearer to me. A burning conflagration surrounded then consumed me. It burned and I burned with it, but I welcomed the heat and surrendered myself to it absolutely. I was of fire.
The Creator’s arms seemed to wrap around me in the cold waters as His great light spread over me, caressing my soul and pouring His love into me. He filled me with His offering until it spilled over careening in cascades of brilliant wisdom.
The Universe constricted into the inferno of His essence and He blew outward obliterating everything He’d ever created. The sun, the moon, stars...all gone in an instant as the forcefield moved out further as if traveling through time, yet neither time, nor I, existed.
Nothing existed except the inferno of His core bursting forth speckles of light which took form as His angels. Their forcefields glimmered as they fell closer to me. The true stars of the Heavens multiplied and divided filling the seabed with their scintillating brilliance.
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