by Tao Wong
I nod slowly, “Yeah, the monsters are stabilising a bit though the changes continue.”
He grunts, spitting to the side as I mention that, “Changes. Lots of those. Can’t recognise some of the trails anymore, can’t even recognise some of the land. About two kilometers from here, we found a new lake.”
When he mentions that I can hear the sadness in his voice. I look at him then and he smiles at me wryly, shaking his head. No use complaining, I guess, but I can see how the land changing can be hard for the First Nations. How do you deal with the land you grew up on, that your ancestors grew up on, changing under your very feet, transforming into something you can’t recognize. How do you deal with the fact that there’s nothing you can do about it? Then again, perhaps I’m being too patronising – it’s not as if the dams, the National Parks or the lack of land claims haven’t done the same.
Truthfully, I have no answer to his concerns. In the end, we just stand and watch the rest of his team load up the last of the bodies to be sent for processing. He looks at me once more, opens his mouth to say something then closes it before walking away. I guess neither one of us has anything useful to say to one another.
“John,” Richard is seated on the porch of the fort as I pull up, petting Shadow as the other puppies’ gambol around the yard.
“Richard,” I look around, not seeing any of the others.
“I’m alone,” he spots my actions and waves me over to a seat. I groan as I put the kickstand down, getting off the mecha. Stupid brain – still thinking I should hurt when my health is all fixed up already.
“What’s this about?” I enquire as I walk over, slinging the rifle I took from Sabre over my shoulder.
“Minion. The council, well, they wanted me to talk to you,” Richard shifts uncomfortably and I nod slightly. No surprise – nearly killing someone was bound to have some ramifications. “This isn’t, well, this is what they agreed on. In the majority.”
I almost want to ask how he voted but I push it aside. That kind of answer could end a friendship and we’re on shaky ground as it is, “Go on. Promise not to kill the messenger.”
Richard glares at me, obviously not finding the joke funny. “They aren’t going to press charges,” I snort at that though Richard continues without stopping, “but you’re no longer welcome as a member of the council. They also, well, they’d also like you to leave but…”
“But they don’t have the right or ability to enforce it. And Roxley probably doesn’t give a damn,” I finish for him. Sure, we had a jail, but considering most of those held there weren’t particularly dangerous before the System change, the ones who survived the initial massacre had been returned to the populace. We didn’t have the resources to staff it and frankly, I’m not going to jail peacefully if they tried that shit.
“The matter hasn’t been brought to Roxley’s attention, at least as far as we know. He hasn’t said anything to us at least,” Richard replies and I nod. As I said, he probably doesn’t give a damn.
“And you guys?”
“The group, we’re divided. We know why you did it, but John…” Richard looks up from stroking Shadow, speaking firmly. “You scared us. That anger, that rage, we’ve seen it before out there. We thought you had it under control but you tried to kill a man. And I could swear you were about to kill us.”
I smile grimly and I then tell him the truth, “I almost did.”
Richard’s hand that has been stroking Shadow stops for a moment at my revelation before he continues to pet her. I can’t help but notice that the other pets have all focused on me, surrounding me without a sound. “So, you don’t trust me anymore.”
“We don’t, we trust you. We just, don’t trust your… anger.” Richard struggles and I laugh, shaking my head and wave him away. “We…”
“Forget it man, I get it. Don’t worry about it,” I cut him off, pointing to his truck and dismissing him with a flick of my hand. “Better this way anyway.”
“John…” Richard opens his mouth and I wave him away again, suddenly tired. Fuck this and fuck emotions.
“You guys take care alright?” I get up and walk into the fort, shutting the door behind me and walking to the bathroom. I need food then some sleep. Then it’ll be time to kill things again. It’s for the best really. This way, I need only focus on one thing – getting stronger.
Chapter 24
I step out of my shower, reveling in the feeling of being clean for the first time in a few days. I stretch, shifting my weight forward before walking into my room to look for something to wear. That’s when I remember that nothing I own fits me now.
“John?” Lana comes around the corner, red hair leading the way as she leans around the doorway and smiles when she sees it’s actually me. As always, it’s like someone turned on the sun, colors brightening when she comes in and smiles.
“Lana,” I nod to her and reach out to my inventory, pulling it open to grab the clothing I bought from the Shop. I really have to remember to buy some casual clothing soon – under-armour while comfortable isn’t exactly relaxing.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you,” she looks me over again before she turns away. “I’ll be upstairs.”
I sigh, really not wanting to have that conversation. It’s why I chose to come mid-day to the house when I figured the group would be out doing their thing. Still, now that I’m here, I won’t run. I get dressed then come upstairs to find Lana nursing a cup of coffee and another waiting for me.
“Thanks,” I say as I sip on it.
“How are you doing John? We’ve been worried about you,” Lana states, peering at me as if she could read my mind if she tried hard enough.
“I’m fine,” I answer her automatically.
“Really?”
“Yeah, I am,” I begin to get irritated, wondering why she’s pushing the matter.
“John, it’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be upset you know.”
“I’m fine,” I say again, stressing the words.
“So, Richard tells me you’re staying at the crossing?” Lana asks, looking me over again with those blue eyes.
“Yeah, I am,” I say. “Pass the word on to Richard, will you? Let the Council know, I’m not accepting visitors anymore. Not without an appointment and payment.”
She frowns, puzzling through my meaning before she gets it. No more free experience taking the fort away from me and then giving it back, “Why?”
“It’s my home now. I don’t want strangers tramping through it unannounced,” I explain.
“You intend to say there then?”
“Yes. It’s a lot closer to level appropriate hunting grounds,” I sip my coffee, looking at her over the rim.
“You know, you’re not the first,” Lana states, swirling the cup before her.
“Mmmm?”
“You’re a classic case. Full of anger and resentment with the world, unable to process what has happened so you’ve just turned it into anger and more anger. Now, when it starts getting too much, you pull away from everyone who cares about you,” she shakes her head, red hair swishing around her face and smiles sadly. “You’re not the first, even if you have been more constructive than most others.”
I swallow the last of the coffee, the heat burning its way down my throat as I stand up. “I’m fine Lana. Drop it.”
“No. No, you’re not. You tried to kill a man because you were angry and now, rather than deal with your loss of control, you’re running,” Lana moves to touch me and I shrink away, dropping the cup on the table. Lana stops moving immediately, staring at me.
“I didn’t intend to kill him. If I wanted him dead, he would be.” I spit out, my voice trembling. “I just wanted, I wanted…” him to stop. To shut up. To go away. I wanted it to burn in the thousand hells for all it did. I just wanted it to stop. I can feel the fragile set of controls I’ve managed to put in place begin to creak, begin to give way.
“You don’t even know do you?” Lana whispers softly
, pity in her eyes now.
I walk out then. I don’t have an answer for her, I don’t think I have an answer for myself and if I stay here any longer, I think I might just hurt her to make her stop looking at me like that.
“John…”Ali starts and I hold a finger up to the Spirit.
“Not a word, not a word or else I’ll dump your ass back in the Spirit world and leave it there,” I snarl, getting on Sabre and heading out. I need to kill something. I barely slowdown at the guard post, gunning through as I head South.
“Find me something to kill. A lot of somethings,” I grate out, eyes burning as I push the bike.
“Right, ummm…” Ali floats beside me, flicking his hand around and then suddenly a small map shows up in front of me, just translucent enough for me to see through. I see the blinking dot that is me and a whole series of others.
Blood. Violence. Death.
It’s so simple when I’m fighting, when I’m in the midst of kicking ass. I feel the mutated wolf bite into my shoulder, teeth tearing into the flesh beneath and I grab hold of it with my other hand, ripping it free. The wolf snarls and I throw it into a tree, calling forth my blade and channeling mana to send a wave of force outwards. The blow cuts it into half and I glance at the small puncture holes in my shirt, watch as the wounds begin to close.
“More,” I whisper, walking further in. Behind me, Sabre sits unused. “More Ali. Find me something tougher. Something harder.”
“No John. Put Sabre on and we’ll talk, but this is stupid,” Ali floats in front of me, arms crossed. “This isn’t even training anymore, this is suicide.”
“I ordered you to do it,” I snarl, raising my hand.
“No.”
I flick my hand outwards, calling forth the Companion screen and then dismiss the still defiant spirit. Fine then. I’ll find them myself. I drop points into Two are One, The Body’s Resolve and finally Greater Detection, ignoring the notifications about the skills. I watch as a small minimap flares into life in the top right, small coloured dots indicating monsters. I concentrate and the grey, green and blue ones disappear, leaving it blank. Frustrated, I focus and the blue ones reappear and then I start jogging as clouds gather overhead and the first signs of rain start appearing.
Fine. If there aren’t any greater threats around, I’ll just kill my way to one.
Blood
I slide my sword in the lizard’s neck, ripping outwards and blood flies. I feel another bite into my leg, but the feeling is remote, the pain a shadow of what it should be. I kill it with a flick of my hand, sword appearing and disappearing, a head torn off.
Pain.
The stone bear lands a paw on my shoulder, throwing me into the air and gouging out a chunk of flesh. The creature is chipped and shattered, stone flesh carved from its limbs and chest smashed in by pommel strikes. I roll and come up on my feet, free hand rising as mana darts smash into the body, tearing chunks of stone from its chest. The bear staggers, the last dart finding its heart and it falls, dead. I watch it crumble, just another wet boulder in the rain.
Death
The horn pierces my stomach, the creature lifting and throwing me with the same motion. I finish my attack as it does so, sliding my blade into the back of its skull as I land, driving all the breath from my body. I struggle to pull forth a stamina potion, to cast a healing spell but that cold, empty place that I’ve existed in finally crumbles.
Blood. Pain. Death.
Blood rushes from my open wounds mixing with the rain, countless hours of running from one battle to another, pushing pain aside and laying death around me. Blood runs and pain overwhelms me and death comes but at least the anger is gone, the emotions gone. Just a nice, floating emptiness with old voices from the past.
“Is that it? Is that all you can say? How can you be so cold?” Luthien, the last night before I leave when I tell her to get out, when I tell her we’re over.
Cold. Yes, that’s me. My body is shivering, cold from the blood loss as I stare up into the sky, watching the lights shift. There’s nothing more for me to do, nothing I can do.
“We’re all failures,” Mikito now.
Yes, but I failed a long time ago. I’ve never been good enough, smart enough, tough enough. Always the loser, always the outsider.
“81%! So stupid! How are you going to be a doctor with such marks! Get me the cane. Maybe you’ll learn this time.”another voice, my father’s this time.
I learnt. I learn that it’s never enough, nothing is ever enough. You just keep going, just keep trying, just keep running and you don’t look back, not ever.
“You tried to kill a man because you were angryand now, rather than deal with your loss of control, you’re running,”Lana. Beautiful Lana who told me I’m not good enough for her. She’s right though, I never was good enough for anybody.
It doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter at all. The pain has receded and I can’t feel my body much anymore, can’t feel the rain hitting my face. I’ve run as far as I can, done all I can. I feel my eyes drift close and I smile. Maybe I can rest now.
Chapter 25
I wake up and pain comes with it, pain from my numerous wounds. I gasp, drawing a deep shuddering breath as pain eats at me, enveloping my mind. I can’t think, not really and so I pull a potion out, drinking it down and feeling it take effect, mana coursing through my body and stitching wounds close, replacing lost blood. I should be dead, I was bleeding out and I should be dead.
Memories of blood-soaked hours, of killing and killing and killing in an attempt to run away from my memories, my feelings, my failures come back to me. Sadness catches me, grips me and I curl up, wondering why I can’t even do this properly.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I feel tears leaking out and I rub at them, refusing to cry. I don’t cry. I never cry. You don’t ever let them see you cry, not ever. Like everything else in my life, I fail. I sit there, amidst a clearing filled with the dead and I cry. For my father that I’ll never meet and tell off again to his face, for the millions that have died, for a world destroyed. For myself and all the times I’ve never been good enough.
The sun begins to set by the time I wake up again, the dead congealing and rotting around me. My wounds are closed and I’m healed - in body if not mind. I roll a bit and a soft gasp makes me look up and I realise that I’m not alone.
“John,” Lana bends down, offering me her hand and I blink, staring at her.
“How are you here? Why?”
“Ali contacted me before you dismissed him, before you got out of range. Told me you were out of control. I couldn’t find anyone else so…” she waves her around and I see she’s brought her pets with her, all of them.
I look around and shiver, realizing how far I’ve come. Hours of running and fighting has taken me far away from Whitehorse into zones that I have no right to be in nor should she. “You shouldn’t have come.”
“You shouldn’t have run,” Lana points out and I feel that coil of anger rise up again. I try to fight it but I don’t have to. It gutters and dies, my body, my soul too tired right now.
“This, I...” I try to find the words and fail.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. Not right now,” she waves to her animals and they come up to her. “We should leave anyway, it’s getting late.”
I nod slowly and then turn to survey the small clearing I’m in. I walk along the bodies of the monsters I’ve killed, spotting the monstrous horned Alpha that I fought and loot it before dropping the body into storage.
My hand hovers for a moment before I sigh, waving and recalling the little monster. Ali reappears, foot tapping and arms crossed in front of me, glaring. Before he can speak, I raise a finger, “Not a word Ali. You’ve done stupid shit too.”
“…”
“Right, we should head back. Plot me the best way back will you,” I instruct Ali and then flick a glance to my side.
“Can do. We picking up the Loot on the way?” I give a n
od, no reason to waste it after all. “Though you might want to head this way,” a blue arrow appears “first. There’s a stream there, might help to wash your face. Baby.”
Strangely enough, it’s comforting the teasing. No anger, though I do send him a warning glare that reminds him not to push it. I change directions, following his arrow as Lana falls in behind us and exchange greetings with Ali, her pets staying close by. I sigh, pulling up my notifications while we move. With Ali back, I know I don’t have to wade through the idiotic mess so I pull up the good ones.
Class Skill Acquired
Two are One (Level 1)
Effect: Transfer 10% of all damage from Target to Self
Cost: 5 Mana per second
Class Skill Acquired
The Body’s Resolve (Level 1)
Effect: Increase natural health regeneration by 10%. On-going health status effects reduced by 20%. Mana regeneration reduced by 5 Mana per minute permanently.
“Well, that explains that…” Luck. Pure luck that I had to choose Body’s Resolve to acquire Greater Detection. It was the only reason that I can think of that I had survived the giant hole in my stomach, the bleeding stopping before I died out while my body regenerated the damage. Pure frigging luck.
Finding the stream, I wash my face and arms, cleaning off the blood that I can get at before finally giving up. I’m going to have to replace the entire damn skinsuit armor, it’s so torn up I might as well be naked. When I stand I notice Lana isn’t watching the woods but me and I give her a tired grin. She smiles again before looking aside.
Cleaned up, I get back on track and head for the nearest body while flicking through my other notifications.
Class Skill Acquired
Greater Detection (Level 1)
Effect: User may now detect System creatures up to 1 kilometre away. General information about strength level is provided on detection. Stealth skills, Class skills and ambient mana density will influence the effectiveness of this skill. Mana regeneration reduced by 5 Mana per minute permanently.