by Tao Wong
“Ali, did I just reduce my total mana regeneration by 20 points?” I grimace, doing the maths quickly. Mana regeneration is based off my Willpower, so I’d just reduced my entire regeneration rate by a third. Put another way, it’d take nearly half again as long to fill my mana tank, nearly fifteen minutes. In a fight, that’s forever. I guess I know where some of my saved points are going when I get my next level up.
“Impressive,” Lana murmurs as we come to the next body and I nod slowly. How the hell did I get that body up there? And that body is in two parts – it looks like I tore the poor thing into two with my bare hands. Well, marvelling at the death and chaos isn’t getting me anywhere. I get back to looting, jumping up first and then going for the torn apart bodies.
Class Skill Learnt – Frenzy
Due to repeated actions, you have learnt a class skill outside of your class.
Effect: When activated, pain is reduced by 80%, damage increased by 30%, stamina regeneration rate increased by 20%. Mana regeneration rate decreased by 10%
Frenzy will not deactivate until all enemies have been slain. User may not retreat while Frenzy is active.
“Okay, now that’s just trolling me,” I mutter staring at the next blurb as I walk through the forest towards my next kill site. Still, a skill is a skill and at least this one didn’t have an on-going cost. One last notification then.
Level Up!
You have reached Level 17 as an Erethran Honor Guard. Stat Points automatically distributed. You have 8 Free Attribute Points and 1 Class Skill Point to distribute.
Right, dumping 5 into Willpower immediately then. I guess going on a rampage was good for one thing. I smile grimly to myself, coming up to the next corpse. Ah shit.
“I’m out of space,” I point out as I stare at the corpse of the bear.
“Let me take a look,” Ali disappears for a second and then suddenly bodies start getting dumped out from my Altered Space through a floating doorway, the grunting Spirit appearing behind the last dumped body. “Right, those are crap. Grab the bear.”
“That’s so weird,” mutters Lana as she watches the bodies just appear out of thin air.
Having the Spirit pays for itself once more since I still don’t have a clear grasp of what everything is worth. Too damn much to learn and not enough time. As I think about it, I can feel the tightening in my chest, the sudden pressure as I think of all the things I need, I want to do.
I stop, closing my eyes and force myself to breathe. Just a few seconds, just a few moments to still my mind. One step at a time. That’s all I can do. That’s all I’ve ever been able to do. Don’t worry about the future or the past, just focus on the present.
I feel a hand close on mine, gripping it tight and squeezing and I open my eyes to meet Lana’s. She smiles at me and I nod slowly, forcing a breath out. Right then. One step at a time and the first step is to get the rest of these bodies and back to Sabre. At a nod from Lana, I start jogging.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
I exhale, seated in the middle of the fort, meditating. It’s noon already, the sun shining down on me as I sit in my bedroom. I slept like the dead when I got back, and I’m dirty, smelly and bloody but for a moment, I feel more like myself. Lana tried to get me to go back to the house but I refused. There’s a talk there that needs to be finished, but I need this time alone.
In the calm that meditating gives me, I slowly prod at my feelings, slowly test them out. Rage of course, always that. So much anger – at my father, at the bullies from childhood, at Luthien, the System, the monsters, myself, the list goes on and on. It’s cooler now, but it’s still there, just this churning sea of anger that colours all my emotions. Not repressed or compartmentalized like I thought, more like dammed with all the boxes of my other emotions floating in it. Except the dam is broken and leaking.
Next emotion - grief. For a mother that I never knew, a sister that I loved, a world that was. It’s a gut punch that refuses to stop hurting, to go away, always gnawing at my control. Resentment, at Ali for using me, at the Council for never saying thank you, at the citizens for just lying back and letting the world roll over them. Pressure, to do something, to save people, to prove that I’m not a failure to myself or to my father. Fear of a System that wants to kill me, that I’m not doing enough, that the next fight is my last. Frustration that I didn’t choose right, that there’s not enough time, not enough money. So many emotions, so few of them good.
I sit there and open the boxes that I’ve shoved away, finding time to let myself feel, let myself watch and note before letting them get boxed away again, a little lessened perhaps. It’s a waste of a day, sitting here and feeling them, thinking about them, but I don’t have a choice. I guess that’s resentment again, for the wasted time doing this, for taking a moment to take care of myself. Anger for thinking that I’m not worth it…
I draw a deep breath, exhale and repeat, forcing myself to find that dispassionate peace again as I get derailed. Not the first time it has happened, probably not the last time it’ll happen. I’ve put this off too long, pushing myself because there wasn’t anyone else, but that’s not true either is it. Pushing myself because that’s what I do.
Not right now though, no more judging, no more worrying – just do what needs to be done. I’ll deal with the world later. Right now, this is about me and finally, finally coming to terms. What is, is. And that includes me.
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The End
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If you enjoyed this book, please check out my other LitRPG series (available on Amazon, Smashwords, iBooks and more!) -
- A Healer’s Gift (Book 1 of the Tales of Brad)
About the Author
Tao Wong is an avid fantasy and scifi reader who spends his time working and writing in the North of Canada. He’s spent way too many years doing martial arts of many forms and having broken himself too often, now spends his time writing about fantasy worlds.
For updates on books, please visit my website: http://www.mylifemytao.com