Epilogue

by Etzoli

  Okay, objects flying at my head wasn’t exactly a new experience. Usually they were more pointy. The similarities were there though. The rush of air in its wake as it rushed past my face, the flash of an object I only caught a glimpse of. Suddenly, my mind slipped away to a wholly different place as I turned—and came face-to-face with a snarling kapavas , charging at me with eyes drenched in hatred and fists raised.

  I struck. Hard . He was taller and much larger than me, but he was unarmed. Something quick and direct, something he wouldn’t expect. I targeted his unprotected stomach.

  A sharp punch to the lower abdomen, in the unprotected fleshy spot. He started to double over from shock. Now I could use his momentum and weight against him. As I sidestepped, my strong right foot caught his unbalanced left.

  He stumbled forward. His head slammed straight into the locker interior. I spun around to follow him. My hand drew the knife from the belt holster at my back. One knee went right into his spine, pressing him into the ground. I grabbed his head and put the blade right to his throat.

  I had him at my mercy.

  “What the hell?”

  The real world snapped back into place. I hadn’t taken down some racist, hate-fuelled warrior—just a guy on the football team. He’d been trying to catch a bad throw from his friend, and he got distracted. Nearly ran right into me.

  And I’d drawn a blade on him. Taken him down. I’d nearly killed him.

  Sheer, icy horror enveloped every fiber of my being. I scrambled off of him, sliding the knife up into my sleeve—praying to every star I could remember that I’d hidden the blade before anyone else spotted it. I offered my hand to the guy, now thoroughly confused on the floor at my feet, head still jammed into my locker. His friend had rushed over, while a small crowd gathered around us, chattering away excitedly.

  Oh man. This is bad.

  “ Sanan ,” I offered awkwardly. “Self defense classes, am I right?”

  “Uh huh,” he said slowly, but he took my hand anyway. I pulled him to his feet, relieved at the lack of confrontation. He hadn’t noticed just how close to death he’d been a second ago. Because of me. Because I screwed up.

  “Are you okay?” asked his friend, staring at me.

  “Is she okay?” the guy shot back.

  “Oh get over it, Chris. You weren’t using that head anyway.” I giggled, in spite of myself, and the friend grinned. “How’d you do that, Jenny?”

  The brief moment of mirth drained away into the cold ice again. Okay, don’t get me wrong, I dig being the center of attention on a good day, but this sure as hell wasn’t a good day. If I was up to it, I could rock the ‘edgy, mysterious cool girl’ vibe I’d suddenly picked up and ride it all the way to the next dance—but right now? I was in volas us manav mode. I had so much adrenaline in my blood begging me to get away that I couldn’t keep still. My right hand was playing with the hilt of the knife just inside the hem of my sleeve, fidgeting, waiting to strike.

  I needed to get out of there. My heart hammered the inside of my skull with blood.

  They were still waiting for me to say something. “I eat my veggies,” I said lamely. “Sorry, I gotta run.”

  Without looking back, I grabbed my bag and closed the locker. In seconds, I was out of the building entirely.

  ***

  There was no way I was gonna make it through the rest of the day. I wasn’t gonna see a friendly face the rest of the day, thanks to the class schedule change. I felt so weak. I hated that I needed a support system to get through a single day of high school. I’d never had this problem before. I wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be normal again, but I still felt like a mentally unstable, emotionally broken wreck of a person.

  Yeah, I know, I’ve got some kind of PTSD or such and such. That’s obvious. I can even pinpoint where I got it, and it doesn’t do a damn thing for me. Knowing what’s wrong with you and actually being able to do something about it are very, very different things. I was still stuck on step A, and I had no clue how to get to step B.

  It terrified the shit out of me.

  So I ran. I sprinted through the neighborhood, retreating to the place I felt most comfortable and safe, where I could feel like myself again. Where I felt home. Where nothing bad had ever happened to me, where I’d really figured out who I was and how to actually live in the world.

  So, naturally, I found myself deep in the woods behind my house, with the bow and arrows slung over my back and the knife comfortably resting at the small of my back.

  Even yesterday, I hadn’t actually planned on using the bow for anything. I’d wanted it like I wanted a security blanket when I was a kid. I just needed it, not because I was actually gonna use it as a blanket, but because it had to be around or things just weren’t right . That bow was gonna sit right in its case, under my bed, unnoticed, and I’d probably never take it out again.

  Funny how things can change in a single day, right?

  No, it’s not funny at all. It’s fucking terrible. I’ve had way too many ‘single days’ in my life.

  But this, right now? Here in the woods all alone? This was good.

  I was deep in the forest, as totally immersed as I could get. The noise of the human world was barely audible, muffled to a faint whisper by the undergrowth and the thick branches. There was almost no wind today, which was a bit disappointing, but just being surrounded by lush green, with birds chirping away and even a squirrel darting along a branch nearby, set my mind at ease.

  For a long time I just wandered idly, no purpose in mind and no real direction besides away from the noise. Normally, I’d be lounging in a bind, waiting for prey to show itself, but I wasn’t sure there was any worthwhile game in this forest. More to the point, even though I hated that I couldn’t forget it even out here, I was back in the real world. I wasn’t totally clear on what the law said, but I was pretty sure hunting in the woods in a random suburb was probably illegal.

  Plus, to be honest, I wasn’t really hungry. I just wanted to feel good at something again. Use the skills I’d obtained for something other than fighting and… you know. The other thing. But if I went hunting on a full stomach and a well-stocked pantry, Tethevallen would be seriously ticked off.

  So, yeah. Tethevallen. I know I haven’t brought him up much, and I’m sorry. It’s still painful. He’s the best father I ever had. Okay, the only one, but still.

  I found a nice trunk to lean against and sat down. Skyward, the sky peeked through the forest canopy, dotted with nice puffy clouds. I couldn’t see a single star at this hour, obviously, but I knew where Tethevallen’s would be. I offered him a smile and a short prayer as I started to doze off. Not that he was actually there. He’d roll his eyes at the idea whenever some of the younger Sylves brought it up. But I liked it a lot. It comforted me to think some part of his personality and memories had followed his intelligence back up into the sky.

  Man, I sound like a nut, don’t I?

  I reached into my bag and pulled out a blanket I’d brought with me, wrapping up tight, wishing yet again I could do better than just cloth coverings to warm myself up. I pulled up my hood and covered up, then leaned back against the nook of the tree and let my eyes slide shut. Just listening. Hearing everything in the woods. Letting my mind wander out into the forest.

  For a minute, I could almost hear the whispering of the Sylves in nearby trees. My friend Naeflin played her tulavir , and she was begging me to sing along, even though I barely knew any of the songs yet. She’d laugh as I made up the words to her melodies, and we’d trade off playing the tulavir and singing increasingly provocative songs to the more handsome of the dusylfs across the fire, as we downed cup after cup of talverreth. After we were too drunk to keep playing, she’d break out her usual party trick of catching a ball of flame from the sparks of the fire, and making it fly circles around my eyes until I got dizzy and fell over.

  All the Sylves would laugh. I’d get embarrassed and snatch the fire right out of the a
ir. I’d multiply it into a dozen licks of flame, and spell out something horribly rude to Naef, which would just get the whole lot of them laughing even harder. None of them could match my etovola for fire, so they got a kick out of my party tricks.

  Of course, with the entire group drunk off our asses and already playing with fire, it was only natural we got into a vakakka -measuring contest of etola . Most Sylves preferred the water or the wind when it came to etovola , which meant their drinking games usually involved talverreth and screwing around with the actual liquid. Naef and I were the only two around with any real etolendei of flames, so our fireside contests became legendary in our suunsyl. Dozens of Sylves showed up whenever they heard we were having a gathering, sending Ruvalei scurrying into the shadows in embarrassment over her sister’s antics. They came in droves, eager to see the two masters showing off our skills.

  Or maybe they just came out to see two hot chicks playing with fire. I can’t say for sure. I was just twenty, after all, and Naef was only sixty or so (that’s young for a Sylf, all right? She looked and acted basically the same age as me. It’s totally unfair), so we were prime targets for the young guys in the audience. Plenty of them approached Naef, and even a few of the really adventurous dusylfs tried to ask out the strange human girl they’d collectively adopted.

  I turned them down.

  Oh, don’t get me wrong. I was interested. By the stars, some of those guys… I mean. Damn . But I had my reasons.

  A branch snapped in half nearby. The sharp crack echoed around the trees. My daydreams burst like a bubble, abrupt and terrifying. I tensed up, my hand already grabbing at my knife. Someone else was crunching through the leaves scattered on the forest floor. They weren’t far away.

  I slowly reached for my bow, out of pure instinct, prepared for the worst.

  I’m on Earth. If I draw, then I’ll really be in trouble.

  I fought the urge away. I was in the suburbs, and nobody was likely to attack me out of the blue. I was safe. Except I still had the knife in my grip, just in case, as I peeked around the edge of the tree trunk toward the source of the sound.

  Relief flooded my mind as I recognized the source—followed by a twinge of confusion. I sheathed the knife and stood up to call out.

  “ Shasalla, Kalleddor. Dov to dou tolal tona vis sylvec? ”

  Carl froze in place, eyes narrowing. He looked around, and spotted me without too much difficulty. Since, you know, I wasn’t really hiding anymore. Why hide from the guy who saved your life, a couple times over? The only guy in the world who could even understand that sentence?

  “Hi, Jen.”

  “The one and only,” I added, as he made his way over to my tree. I winced at every loud, crunching step through the leaves. “Weren’t you way better at this?”

  “Shut up,” Carl muttered. He sat down on an overturned trunk that had fallen many years back, while I returned to my comfortable position in the nook of the tree roots. “I’m not used to my old body yet.” He paused. “Did you just call me Kalleddor?”

  “Yeah,” I teased. “Did I leave off your title or something?”

  “…I dunno. Just sounds cheesy now.” He looked embarrassed.

  I grinned. “It always did.”

  “Oh god, it did?” His face turned an even brighter shade of red.

  “Don’t worry, I’m sure it was just me and Matt who thought that,” I said. “It’s a perfectly good fantasy name.” Carl still looked doubtful, so I changed the subject before he could really start to dig into it. “Anyway, back to the obvious question: why the hell are you out here?”

  “I could ask you the same,” Carl shot back, raising an eyebrow.

  “Yeah, no,” I replied without missing a beat. “This is basically my thing, and we’re near my house. You better not be stalking me,” I added jokingly.

  “…I kinda did,” he answered, sheepish. “I saw what you ordered on my phone. I figured you’d go out hunting sooner or later.”

  I was genuinely surprised. It took me a moment to figure out how he’d done it. “…Oh, shit. Browser history.”

  He nodded. “Yup.”

  “Good think I didn’t use Matt’s computer then, I guess.”

  “Yeah.”

  “So you just followed me out here to scare away all my prey?” I added, pointedly glancing at his feet.

  “I wanted to talk.”

  Something in the tone of his voice, or maybe his expression, killed the mood. I’d actually been enjoying myself for once. The conversation wasn’t that different from the ones we’d used to have. Me teasing, him getting teased, good-natured banter. That was our thing. So obviously, it was bound to come to a crashing halt today.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, already dreading the answer.

  Carl started to answer, but he faltered, his mouth opening and closing a few times without any sound coming out. I waited patiently. I had no idea where this was going, but it seemed so unlike him. Carl didn’t speak up all that often, but he was never at a loss for words. I really felt worried. Finally, he worked up to a single question.

  “You were there, right?”

  Well, that was underwhelming. “Uhh?”

  “When Blake… When he—” Carl choked up, glancing away awkwardly.

  Oh, stars. My heart sank. Carl had finally come around to acceptance. I knew it was coming, but still. How the hell are you supposed to talk to someone about their best friend dying?

  “…Yeah,” I said quietly.

  “I never found out,” said Carl, his voice a little stronger, his eyes coming back to mine. “He didn’t suffer, right?”

  He did… I replied mentally, but I can never tell you that. “He didn’t. It was quick.”

  Carl smiled. “Even if that’s bullshit, vannen dou .”

  “ Selnou. ”

  He picked up a small branch from the ground and fiddled with it. I settled back into my tree, picking my blanket back up and wrapping up tight. The day was getting chillier as the clouds moved in and blocked out the sun, and a breeze had finally started to roll through, rustling the branches and leaves. I loved the sound it made. We just sat there, just like old times, Carl sharpening his sword (okay, branch), me watching him and everything else from my spot under the tree. Minutes rolled by, with only the birds to accompany us.

  “He loved it there, you know?” Carl said finally. I suppressed a sigh of relief. While I was kinda enjoying the silence, Carl hadn’t been that person in a long time. If it kept stretching out, I’d really start to get worried.

  “Blake did?” I prompted.

  “Yeah. I mean, he hated the war and all that, but the world. He loved Cyraveil.”

  “Oh.” I wasn’t sure what Carl wanted out of this conversation. I resigned myself to just letting him bounce stuff off me. I hoped that was what he needed. Seemed to be working so far, anyway.

  “He found a girl, you know? She was beautiful. They were going to get married, start a family. He asked me to be his best man.”

  “I thought that wasn’t a thing over there.”

  Carl grinned. “We were going to start the tradition ourselves. Blake was such a romantic. Had to have the picturesque wedding.”

  “I never knew,” I said. “I didn’t really get to spend a lot of time with him.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault. I was kinda busy.”

  “Busy being the Maiden of the Sylvandar?” Carl raised an eyebrow, smirking.

  My turn to get red-faced. “ Vack , that’s so much cheesier. Is that really what they called me in Candir?”

  “Well, they had to call you something . You were a legend.”

  “Does that come with a shiny hat?”

  “More like the undying hatred of the Emperor.”

  I snickered. “Now there’s a badge of honor.” Carl laughed. “Undying’s not really right though, huh?”

  Oh, vack. Carl’s expression fell, dark as night. I cringed. I hadn’t meant to kill the mood. I�
�d said exactly the wrong thing.

  “…Sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” he said, but he glanced away again.

  “I shouldn’t have said that. He was your friend.”

  “He made mistakes, and he paid for them,” he said. “I can’t say he didn’t deserve it.”

  Why, oh why, Carl, do we always have to bounce wildly between joking and teasing, and painful shared memories? Every single damn time. The silence was uncomfortable beyond belief.

  Why couldn’t I just keep the awkward bits out and have a nice, normal conversation? Or you know, whatever passed for normal between two casual dimension hoppers like us.

  “You know, I meant what I said,” Carl blurted out, looking back at me. “On the phone.”

  “Huh?”

  “I still love you.”

  That ’s where he decided to take the conversation next?

  “Carl…” I started, but he kept talking.

  “Even if we’re stuck here, even though everything’s different, I really do love you, Jen.”

  I had to stop this confessional before it got way out of hand. “Carl, you don’t.”

  “What?”

  “You don’t really know me,” I sighed. “Before we left here, you didn’t even know my name. ”

  “But, that night—”

  Oh stars, not that. “Look, Carl. You’re my friend, and yeah, we went through some ridiculous, life-changing, terrifying things together. I got caught up in the moment, okay?” I shrugged, red-faced. “For a moment, I really needed to be rescued, and you were there. I’ll be grateful to you forever, but that’s all.”

  “I—”

  “It was just a kiss, Carl.” My face lit up like someone had just poured boiling water on it. Stupid emotions.

  If you’re wondering, I was being honest. I’m gonna be horribly cliché and drop the oldest line in the book, but I only liked Carl as a friend. That night in the inn outside Vennenport was just that—one night where I let my guard down and get swept away by everything else around me. There was nothing romantic going on between us, and even if there was, I had way too much of my own shit to deal with.

  And there wasn’t. Seriously. Just two friends who spent a lot of time together and kissed once… or twice.