Hard to Love

by S M Mala

  And that’s when she started to realise that she had started to fall in love with him.

  That was the biggest shock of all, but it was a waste of affection on her side.

  Plus, there was the information from the solicitor that she was trying to digest.

  Mabel would have to think hard before it became common knowledge.

  ‘Hello stranger,’ he said, sounding cheerful. ‘I’ve not heard from you in ages.’

  ‘I’ve not heard from you,’ she replied, not interested whether she did or didn’t.

  ‘I’ve been busy. How are you fixed? Do you fancy meeting up tonight? I know it’s short notice, and you need to get a baby sitter.’

  Then something snapped in Mabel.

  ‘Where are you? I’m not dressed up so we can meet somewhere casual if that’s okay?’

  ‘It’s more than okay.’

  Parking up on a square in Kensington, she found the block of flats. Mabel buzzed the number and walked in.

  Always in the back of her mind she knew it wasn’t one of her most sensible decisions but right then, she didn’t care.

  One drink, a chat and then she could go home.

  Mabel walked up the one flight of stairs, and he opened the door.

  Lee was a lovely looking man and today he had a deep tan.

  She knew what she was there for.

  What she needed.

  It was Mabel who reached for the back of his neck and kissed him, pulling slowly away.

  ‘Do you want to go straight to bed?’ he asked as she braced herself after hearing the question.

  ‘Yes.’

  And she dropped her bag as he lunged forward, touching her through her clothing while his tongue went into her mouth.

  Mabel decided to detach herself from what was going on. She was going to pretend she was someone else and let him do anything he wanted to do, even if her body wouldn’t let it happen.

  She would have to think of something else.

  Lee was pulling off her clothes and dragged her into the bedroom. His hands squeezed her breasts, and he sucked hard. It was a little painful but she held on, seeing he liked it a bit rough.

  He sunk to his knees, nuzzling his nose into the crotch of her jeans. She could feel his teeth trying to bite through the material.

  ‘And I’ve wanted to fuck from the first time I laid eyes on you,’ he said, looking up at her.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I find you very attractive.’

  That was all she needed to know.

  Someone liked her.

  He unbuttoned and pulled down her jeans as Mabel kicked off her shoes then removed her panties, shoving her pubic bone into his face. She didn’t have to say anything. Her lips were parted, and he licked her nub, but it wasn’t doing anything for her.

  Up and down, nibbling it with his teeth.

  She sat back down on the bed, spreading her thighs so he could do a better job. His tongue worked fast. It felt ticklish, not orgasmic.

  All the time she watched was he was doing. Occasionally he would stop and suck on her breasts while pinching the other one.

  But something was wrong, and she wasn’t getting turned on though she was making good faking noises.

  He seemed to believe them.

  Then she thought hard about images in her head, something to turn her on.

  Alex came to her mind.

  She thought it was Alex touching her.

  Slowly her orgasm began to grow. Also, she decided to use her own hand to speed up the process.

  She didn’t want to come quickly so breathed through it.

  Her fanny started to throb.

  Mabel flung back her head and screamed out her orgasm.

  It was a cross between anger and pain.

  Within seconds, he had put a condom on, and she felt him get stuck in.

  She had another orgasm, as her mind wandered.

  ‘Oh yes!’ she said, her eyes still firmly closed. ‘Don’t stop.’

  And all she did was think about Alex just to make her come with a man who wasn’t pressing any of her buttons; especially her heart.

  ‘Bye.’

  Mabel whispered as she walked out of his flat in the early hours of the morning, not wanting to be seen. Lee was fast asleep. She had taken the opportunity to take a few pictures for her folder.

  They made love again, and it was more animalistic than loving.

  He didn’t hold her in his arms. After he was done, he turned and fell asleep as she lay there, unable to close her eyes.

  She had not slept properly for weeks and wasn’t quite sure if she ever could again.

  And something told her that by keeping his doors closed to the large apartment, he was hiding something. The bedroom they shagged in felt like a guest room.

  Driving back home, she entered the house and took off all her clothes, throwing them into the washing machine before running to her bathroom.

  Mabel scrubbed away the scent of sex and Lee.

  There was no way she was going to do that again.

  It had made her feel dirty and ashamed when all she wanted to feel was liked, even a little loved

  But realistically she wanted someone to hold her in their arms.

  He couldn’t even do that.

  When she got back downstairs, she sat at the dining table and looked at the folder from the solicitor.

  Taking a deep breath, she pulled out the envelope and read what Wes had bequeathed her in his will.

  It was an odd act of love, even for Wes.

  ‘Ashamed.’

  Mabel was with Iona in a pub further away from her home. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking.’

  ‘Mabel, that’s not like you,’ her friend said, looking shocked.

  ‘I don’t feel like me,’ she replied, pushing her hands through her hair. ‘I wanted another human being to help me wash away my pain, not leave me feeling sick. How could Wes dying make me feel like this?’ Mabel shook her head from side to side. ‘The girls are with Baba and I know it’s hard for them. I’m not sure I can cope. And Wes left me something.’

  ‘What was it?’

  ‘My solicitor is looking into it. I don’t know why he’d do such a thing,’ she asked, staring at the bottom of her glass. ‘He must have known the problem it would cause.’

  ‘You’re talking in riddles,’ Iona said and started to laugh, and then she stopped. ‘Oh! There are a couple of fit men over there.’

  ‘I’m not interested.’

  ‘Seriously?’

  ‘The girls are coming back at three so one more glass?’

  When she turned, she got the shock of her life to see Alex with someone.

  If looks could kill, she would be dead.

  The shame of thinking about him while having sex with Lee came bouncing into her head. She didn’t want to be in the same place as Alex.

  Placing the bottle on the counter, she rushed back to Iona.

  ‘I’d rather go somewhere else.’ Mabel was trying to control her breathing. ‘Please?’

  ‘Why do you look so upset?’

  ‘I’ll explain. Can we go?’

  Not waiting for an answer, Mabel kept her head down and walked out of the pub, waiting for her friend to follow.

  She felt physically sick on seeing Alex, and all the things he had said to her came hurtling through her mind.

  Iona stood behind her and then pulled Mabel’s arm.

  ‘What’s going on?’ her friend asked as Mabel started to walk away.

  ‘One of the men you were eyeing up is called Alex.’

  ‘Alex? The one you’ve been nattering on about for weeks, and went to his dad’s funeral?’ Iona laughed out. ‘Why do you look so upset?’

  ‘We were getting on, and I thought we were friends. When I tried to speak to him, he told me to go away.’ Mabel gulped hard. ‘And he has been a bit mean, refusing to work with me. I’m keeping out of his way.’

  ‘Didn’t he come to your home a few time
s? That’s a bit rude if he's an ungrateful shit!’

  ‘Oh, and he said I was needy, and my roast dinners were burnt.’ Mabel looked at Iona. ‘Are they burnt?’

  ‘You like him, don’t you?’

  ‘This is awful!’ Mabel said, feeling her voice shake while marching down the road. ‘I thought about him when I was screwing that man just to make it acceptable. Don’t ask me why.’

  ‘After seeing him, I certainly see why!’

  ‘I wanted Alex, you see.’ Mabel looked at her friend, shocked at her own admission. ‘But he would never want me. It’s pretty funny if it wasn’t so pitiful.’

  ‘At least you don’t have to worry now, Alex.’

  Paolo was in full swing in the café area, speaking loudly to a group. ‘It seems Mabel won’t be stalking you.’

  ‘That’s putting it mildly.’

  Her heart sunk hearing Alex’s voice in agreement.

  The following Thursday, Mabel was sitting in the corner of the balcony, hidden by the wall, trying to take a late break.

  It was when she realised who they were talking about, she held her breath.

  ‘I hear she’s having some family problems,’ someone whispered. ‘You know her husband left her, don’t you?’

  Mabel shut her eyes.

  She couldn’t move.

  ‘Listen, that’s her private business,’ Alex said quietly.

  ‘He gave someone else his sperm behind his back, literally!’ laughed out Paolo.

  ‘Paolo!’ barked Alex. ‘That’s-.’

  She dropped her cup on hearing it, knowing Alex would have told him.

  There was a rush of hot humiliation hitting her face, but she couldn’t move.

  ‘Mabel are you okay?’ Tommy asked, walking up to her.

  Opening her eyes, she smiled at Tommy and got up slowly, as did Alex when he saw her.

  She looked at him and couldn’t speak.

  That was the ultimate betrayal.

  Putting her head down, she walked across the room and headed away then stopped.

  Mabel turned on her heels and walked back to all of them, who were whispering, except Alex. He was still standing, staring at her.

  ‘It’s true that my husband donated his sperm to someone else behind my back. He was undergoing treatment for cancer and met another woman.’ She swallowed hard, feeling Tommy touch her arm. ‘But you know what? It was a good thing because he had another kid. The bad thing is that Wes died a few weeks ago so he won’t see his three children grow up, and they won’t have a dad. Now talk about that because it’s a real family problem.’

  ‘Mabel,’ she heard Alex whisper.

  ‘You betrayed my confidence so keep away from me!’

  She stormed out, knowing too many people heard but she didn’t care.

  Grabbing her laptop, she shoved it in her bag and walked out of the offices, just too angry for words.

  Hailing the first cab she could, Mabel didn’t know where to go but found herself heading in the direction of Baba’s house.

  Her mobile started to ring.

  ‘Mabel, it’s Tommy. I’m so sorry to hear what happened. They are a bunch of shits.’

  ‘Let them gossip,’ she said, her head feeling like it was going to explode. ‘I’m going to work from home for the next few days. I’ll tell Calum and Joanna.’ She gulped. ‘I appreciate the support you, Pauline and Sonia have given me. I didn’t want to say anything as it’s been tough. I’m sorry you found out this way.

  ‘We knew something was wrong. Anything you want us to do, just ask.’

  ‘Tell the rest of the fuckers who work there to keep away from me, okay?’

  Today was the time to face things head on.

  She called her mother.

  ‘Mabel? What happened? I’ve heard you stormed out,’ Joanna said, getting agitated. ‘Did someone upset you?’

  ‘Yes, but that’s not the point. Mum, I don’t want to work there anymore. I hate it!’

  ‘You need to-.’

  ‘No, I don’t! They hate me and I hate them. I’ll even find my replacement.’

  ‘You’re grieving and not making the right decisions.’

  ‘I know!’ Mabel shouted. ‘I went to Lee’s home and slept with him on Friday. I hated every minute of it!’

  There was a long silence.

  ‘Darling,’ her mother said softly. ‘You’re very upset.’

  ‘I’m on my way to Baba’s right now. I need to meet you there.’

  ‘Really?’ There was no hiding the complete disgust in her voice.

  ‘I need you,’ Mabel said, trying to catch her breath. ‘And you have to be there when I tell her something.’

  Waiting around the corner, she saw her mother’s car pull up and the driver open the door.

  Joanna got out then looked at Mabel, her colour draining.

  ‘You look terrible,’ she said, stroking her face. ‘Are you sleeping?’ Mabel shook her head from side to side. ‘You’ve lost so much weight and I only saw you four days ago.’

  Mabel was embraced by her mother, who kissed the top of her head.

  ‘We are going to get through this together,’ she said, holding her hand. ‘You’re my child and I’m here for you. Don’t bottle it in. You’ll make yourself sick.’ Joanna took a deep breath. ‘Why do you want me here?’

  ‘I need you by my side.’

  Walking to Baba’s front door, she knocked gently.

  When the door was flung open, the shock on Baba’s face was priceless on seeing Joanna.

  ‘Baba, I need to speak to you and I wanted my mum here. Can we come in?’

  Holding the door open, the pair wiped their feet and entered.

  They were led to the living room and stood there waiting.

  ‘Can you both sit down?’ Mabel said, seeing the women give each other dirty looks before doing so.

  Trying to think how to say it, Mabel looked at Joanna and then at Baba.

  Both women seemed equally confused.

  ‘In his will, Wes left me his sperm to have another baby.’

  ‘This is like a bad dream.’

  That was the only thing Calum said in response. Joanna, Mabel and he were sat around a table the following day at lunch.

  Mabel refused to go back into work, and she knew the other two were plotting to give her a reason to return.

  ‘Why would he do that?’ Joanna asked, stroking Mabel’s arm for the hundredth time. ‘He’s an arse!’

  ‘He’s legally married to someone else, and he left it to May,’ added Calum, shaking his head from side to side. ‘Why not his wife?’

  ‘Did he leave you a note?’ asked her mother.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘What did it say?’

  Mabel didn’t want to talk about it. It was too painful for her the first time the solicitor read it out. Currently, it was in her hand bag.

  ‘He needed to give me what I wanted,’ she lied. ‘Which is his baby.’

  ‘Sweetheart,’ her mother said, grabbing her hand. ‘Your brother and I have been talking.’

  ‘I’m not changing my mind. I don’t want to work there,’ Mabel grumbled, her ears ringing on what they said about her the day before.

  ‘I think people realise why you’ve been under a lot of strain. And Alex was pretty upset when I spoke to him.’ Joanne smiled weakly. ‘He said he didn’t tell Paolo anything.’

  ‘I don’t care what he says,’ Mabel angrily replied. ‘He’s no better than the rest.’

  ‘We want to make him a board director.’

  ‘Do what you want,’ she shrugged, feeling sick on hearing it. ‘I’m resigning.’

  ‘May, you can’t resign as you’re a shareholder, and we’re not going to buy you out. Mind you, you’ll be making money for doing nothing,’ laughed Calum, trying to hold her hand. Mabel slapped it away. ‘And with the pitch coming up for ‘Love to Love’ we need your help.’

  ‘I hate the idea of us having a meat market agency on our books,’
seethed Mabel. ‘It’s degrading.’

  ‘Good grief, I need a martini,’ her mother said.

  ‘I’ll have one too.’ She noticed they looked at each other before glancing at her. ‘For your information I can’t drink that much.’

  This time she was telling the truth.

  After two drinks, she was getting a blinding headache.

  Plus, she needed to be sober for her children.

  ‘Are you sleeping? Calum asked. ‘It’s just Lottie mentioned you didn't seem to be.’

  ‘And eating? Mabel, you need to eat,’ added her mother.

  ‘I don’t know how to deal with it,’ Mabel said, a matter of fact. ‘I’m not sure what I should be doing.’

  ‘Let out all the grief.’ Calum whispered. ‘That’s what you don’t do.’ She frowned at him. ‘He was the father of your kids.’ Then her brother bit his lip. ‘I said ‘was’.’ He shook his head and looked at Mabel. ‘How are Lottie and Jess?’

  ‘Broken.’ Mabel knew her mother was staring at her. ‘And I have to be there for them all the time now. I don’t want them to think they’ll be alone. That’s the last thing I want them to feel.’

  ‘You haven’t cried, have you?’ Calum asked, sipping his water. ‘The way you bottle things up is unhealthy.’

  ‘I don’t know what to cry about,’ Mabel honestly replied. ‘We weren’t together. He asked me to be with him when he had the operation, and I agreed. I knew he wasn’t telling me everything, and then he died. I forced Wes to tell Baba, but he didn’t want to. Maybe he wanted to burden me one more time?’

  ‘You think that’s what he’s done with his specimen?’

  ‘Frozen spunk isn’t that appealing.’

  ‘Mabel!’ her brother said in alarm. ‘He left you the chance to have his child. Isn’t that what this was all about? The fact he gave permission to give it to the giant?’

  ‘Oh, and Baba said she recommended he did that, plus fixed him up and paid for it.’

  ‘I hate that woman!’ hissed Joanna as their drinks arrived at the table. ‘She’s no bloody angel!’

  Calum’s phone started to ring.

  ‘Excuse me,’ he said, getting up and walking away.

  ‘And you’re no bloody angel, going to that man’s home,’ whispered her mother, now starting to fret. ‘What if he had murdered you? How would I have found out?’