Dirt Road

by James Kelman

  Murdo was not going to cry but he felt like it. So now he had spoken. That was that. He wished he hadnt but he had. That was Aunt Maureen.

  Because she was a great lady. The best auntie it was possible ever to get. Imagine being annoyed at Aunt Maureen! Never. That was ha ha ha, never ever ever. Only he needed to say it about Eilidh. Otherwise it was not her. If it was not Eilidh he didnt want to talk. She was not a memory. If he spoke about her like she was one then she was. She wasnt, she was his sister and a real girl, a real great girl; that is what she was and never never never, he was not ever ever going to let it go. Why should he? Ye just get angry, so so angry, bloody talking and talking, people talking.

  That was that and nothing more. The women looking at him. Then Josie about her own family – not from the old days, she didnt like the old days; she was saying about a farm she knew and some of the women were smiling and joining in talking so like Murdo could just go quiet, close down, ye think of closing down, and seeing Melissa looking at him and her daughter too like how she was just staring and as if it was him she was staring at, and he looked back at her, just seeing and it was like him, it was him she was staring at, how her blouse pulled back too it was like her skin through it, her actual skin, because it was just like so thin white the material and even like her nipples like it was her actual nipples

  twinges and twinges

  she was shifting on her seat, changing how she was sitting – Nicole – she blinked a couple of times and something or other he didnt know except just blushing he was blushing oh God he was blushing if she was staring at him: she was.

  It was not actual “staring” at all, she was just waiting for him to speak.

  Murdo sat forwards on the chair. They were expecting him to talk about what Emma-Louise had said. What had Emma-Louise said? Melissa too, looking at him, encouraging him. It was nice of her. Dave Arnott’s wife. Nicole was her daughter. If she saw him blushing. She must have. Aunt Maureen touched his hand: It was your Uncle Robert son huh? Didnt he go checking it out?

  My Uncle Robert. Yes eh…

  It was hereditary huh?

  Yeah. He said how the tumour never came to men. So they werent doing the research. If it was reversed roles, and the tumour only affected men then they would have done the research. Especially if it was rich ones. They would pay the money to save their own skin. My Uncle Robert said that.

  Emma-Louise said, Doctors here dont do their work.

  That is a fact of life, said Josie.

  A sick person’s got more chance seeing the Governor of this state. What do they give you? A nurse is what they give you. Least that’s what they call them. But they aint nurses, not proper ones like what you would say, a nurse.

  You got that right, said Josie.

  My own mother was lying there, Emma-Louise said. She was skin and bone. Were they cleaning her? No they were not. Can you believe it?

  I can believe it, said Josie.

  They would not clean her and would not feed her. My Lord that was a hard hard time. Sure we got support, but not from them.

  The door opened and the two wee girls entered. Their father was behind them. Nicole was up from her chair and peering at the wall clock. She leaned to see into the baby buggy. The two girls came to Melissa who was their grandmother. Nicole was their mother, she was the guy’s wife. He stayed by the doorway, phone in hand.

  Emma-Louise continued talking: Not one sip of water did they give her; they denied it to her. I wanted to give her a drink and they would not let me. I told them. I said you know all this is? It’s money, you all are cutting corners, running down costs, you think I dont know that! I know it.

  The younger woman had lifted up the baby and was sniffing its nappy. Liz winked at the other women and called, She dry Nicole?

  She is. Nicole tucked the baby in between the sheets.

  Liz called to Conor: How’s your mother keeping Conor?

  Good.

  Liz smiled. Conor had raised his head and glanced around the room, passing over Murdo. Then he looked back at Murdo as though seeing him for the first time. He folded his arms, but stood there quite relaxed. Mister Cool. That was the way he was standing. If the women didnt see it. Acting like he was the big boss showing them all! He had tried to bully Murdo in the garden and now he was doing it here. In front of everybody. The guy was a bully. It sickened ye. Guys ye have never seen in yer life before and they still try to bully ye. They dont even know who ye are like ye could be the best fighter in the whole world! They dont know anything about ye but they still try to bully ye, and they do bully ye. This guy bullied Murdo in the garden. Now here he was doing it again in front of all the women. Murdo was young so he thought he could get away with it. So arrogant, totally stupid too because ye dont know who ye are talking to. Somebody could take out a gun and shoot ye.

  Aunt Maureen touched Murdo on the wrist. A woman who hadnt spoken before was attracting his attention. Murdo smiled at her and she said, How do you like it here Murdo?

  I like it fine.

  You do huh?

  Yeah.

  Well we sure like having you here, she said.

  Murdo grinned, although he needed to get away. Only because he was edgy. He got up from the chair and said quietly to Aunt Maureen. I’m going through for something to eat.

  Aunt Maureen gripped his hand for a moment.

  Melissa and the wee girls were with Nicole and the baby now. Conor stood to the side of the door to let Murdo through. He might have escaped downstairs altogether except he thought to grab some food on the way. Uncle John was in the kitchen. He had a beer tucked under his left arm and was manoeuvring two heavy-looking trays of food toward the edge of the kitchen counter. One held platefuls of chicken pieces and sausage rolls, and the other piles of sandwiches. Murdo took the tray with the sandwiches. He held the dining room door open for Uncle John, followed him to the patio table. They set down the food. Thanks Murdo boy… Uncle John winked while ripping a beer from the pack. Thirsty work this talking! he said to the men seated there. Know what they call it back home? Blethers. Ye’re blethering. Ye’re all blethering. Some people’s a believer, I’m a bletherer. Eh Murdo?

  Murdo grinned.

  Uncle John glared at him. Insubordination! He gestured at a spare chair.

  I’m going to go through just now.

  Aye aye cap’n. Uncle John saluted him.

  Down from the patio Dad was with Dave Arnott who was speaking to him. Dad listened but was watching Murdo at the same time. Murdo gestured at the trays of food, lifted two sandwiches and continued on into the house. People were in the kitchen and dining area, he walked through and downstairs.

  *

  He heard the bathroom door close and his hand reached to the volume control but it could hardly be lower. Back home he could blast it! Just blast it.

  Here was here. Here is where he was. He couldnt stay down forever.

  Where’s Murdo! Oh God maybe he’s fallen down a pit! There’s a black hole below the basement and he’s fallen down! Ohhh dohhhh ohhhh ohhhh. Scary! “Fallen-down-the-pit” music, a cello, ohhh dohhhh ohhhh ohhhh, scraping yer knees, ohhhh ohhh ohhhh, dohhh dohhh dohhh.

  Although if he had had a guitar, a guitar would have been good. Anything at all. What he was missing was being able to play. There was the music store at the mall, if there had been any instruments. A whistle or a mouth organ. A kid’s keyboard, a xylophone. What did ye get for twenty dollars?

  Foot creaks from above. He lowered the volume again. But there couldnt be any lower, except minus 1, the infinitesimal of the infinitesimal, so ye screwed yer head right down further and further, the furthermost deepest down point ye ever could, then minus 1, so what ye picked up wasnt sound as we know it, just data beyond audio, just like lines lines lines and no lines, no lines, no lines, a string series like DNA, so low it was unique, nobody nobody nobody – especially Dad. Otherwise “face the music”.

  Ye did something wrong and ye faced the music. Music was the pun
ishment! Imagine the punishment! Bad behaviour! Go and listen to music! It was so stupid. That was life.

  If life was fair, ha ha.

  The opening to the next track made him smile. The repartee; the musicians having a laugh; drummer and lead calling to each other. It was special. Ye wanted to turn it up louder, louder, louder, for them sitting upstairs and what was happening under their nose. A bully bossing people. Dave Arnott’s son-in-law. Uncle John’s pal. He was Dad’s pal too; and nearer Dad’s age than Uncle John’s. That was the bully, Dave Arnott’s son-in-law, his daughter’s husband, he was a total bully. A coward as well as a bully because bullies are cowards. Maybe he bullied her. The kids too; the wee girls and the baby. Imagine he did. And Dave allowed it? How come? Dave was a big guy and could just have battered him. Murdo would have battered him. Dad too. Dad wouldnt have allowed it. If he knew. Murdo could have told him. Although what was there to tell? Murdo was there and the guy was saying things that were horrible. Ye wouldnt say these things to people except if ye could get away with it, like if the person ye were talking to wasnt going to tell ye to shut up, just bloody shut up. That was what Murdo should have told him, Just shut yer fucking mouth. Murdo should have said that and he didnt, he just let him get away with it. Grow up, grow up, you are just one stupid fool. Murdo was just a nothing and he was going to say whatever, just like whatever, anything he wanted because what was Murdo? Nothing. A young guy not worth bothering about. Oh who is he, just like from a foreign country, he’s nothing. A guy talking down to ye like that. Murdo let him. That was the sad thing.

  Imagine letting him. Murdo did. Was it bullying? It was bullying. The things he said, he would never have said them to somebody else like if it was somebody to fight back. Murdo didnt fight back. The guy didnt think Murdo would fight back and that was that because Murdo didnt. So he got bullied, the guy bullied him.

  How could ye allow it?

  Ye hear the sizzles and sissssssss; outer audio points not getting picked up, ever more compressed; mp-3, mp-4, -5, -6, -7 and ever on to where -1 is an algorithm, another system altogether, another universe; forget awesome, awesome is human, awesome is stupid. Way way beyond. Ye dont see so ye dont witness. Although ye still know, ye still know; the stillness. He was not asleep,

  a while later,

  but hardly awake.

  If he was he didnt know it. Not awake and not asleep. Not dreaming. So thinking. Only he didnt know it. Thinking but not thinking. Whatever time, who knows time; something in his head anyway, whatever that was, now gone. Things go. How many tunes in the world disappear forever? How come ye lose them? Ye cant just get them down and like have them there so then ye can just whatever, ye can just play them.

  Ye got jittery. Things in yer head. Could ye get them out? Ye couldnt, these people bully ye during the day and are into yer head at night. At school too like as a boy, it was happening to ye and it was all ye thought about, every minute of every day, bloody bully, Murdo would have battered him, just picked something up and crashed him over the head with it. Having a wife like that, wee kids. It was just like amazing how a guy like him, how he got away with it. Dave’s daughter was great. Murdo hadnt been looking at her, if anybody thought that. When somebody looks at you then you look back. She looked at Murdo so Murdo looked back. Although it was not that kind of a look. Imagine it was. She didnt talk much but listened to everything and was beautiful. Guys would say that. She was. Just natural too. What age was she! An actual woman, and she was looking at him, and her blouse, how it came onto her boobs and ye couldnt help see the colour, how they were shaped in the material, pulling tight and her nipples, how she didnt speak and just listened, listened to everything, just looking, and her hand to her mouth, rubbing the sides of her mouth, her lips. It was so so natural. Even her blouse like white and silky. She wasnt dressed up although she seemed to be. Just how she looked, she just looked good – sexy, ye would say that, an actual woman, jeesoh, it was just how everything, like when she was sitting there too ye couldnt help seeing how her boobs were like jeesoh ye saw the shadows into the curve just so natural, everything.

  *

  Next day clouds were there; white clouds on a blue sky. Back home it was grey on grey on grey. Aunt Maureen said rain was expected later. She was in her room and Dad wherever, Murdo didnt look. He went upstairs with the cowboy book he was reading, heading for the lounge. But when he opened the door there was Dad in the armchair nearest the window, the best place in the house for reading. Dad called: Hi!

  Hi Dad. Murdo was about to leave again.

  I thought ye were downstairs?

  I came up.

  Good to see ye reading!

  Yeah it’s eh… Murdo held the book up for Dad to see the cover then hesitated by the doorway.

  Are ye sitting down? asked Dad.

  Okay. Murdo went to the settee.

  I heard yer music. I just mean I heard it, I’m not being critical.

  Sorry Dad I was keeping it low.

  I’m not saying it was loud. Dad marked the page of his book and closed it. And I dont want to keep getting onto ye. It’s just last night there we go again, ye disappeared. The people were going away and you werent there. Aunt Maureen and Uncle John’s friends and neighbours; ye should have been there to say goodnight.

  …

  They were looking for you.

  I didnt know. Otherwise I would have come up. I didnay hear anything.

  Yeah well nay wonder with the music.

  Dad I was keeping it low.

  Yeah ye said.

  I was.

  Even if ye could change the tune son know what I mean?

  It’s two different CDs.

  Is that a fact, ye wouldnay know it with that same beat all the time.

  Zydeco Dad, it’s a style of music, that’s what it’s called. That’s how ye get it sounding the same.

  Dad smiled for a moment. Murdo shrugged and studied the floor. Dad said, I’m only smiling.

  Yeah well that’s the music it is. That’s the drive, it’s the accordeon; the accordeon’s driving it I mean it’s just… Murdo glanced at him. Dad it’s good. Once ye know it. It is Dad, it really is.

  I believe ye.

  There’s actually a wee festival coming. All different bands. It’ll be fun Dad it’s like a week on Saturday in a town called Lafayette. It’s not too far I dont think. That’s how come I’m listening to it so much it’s because I’m learning it. So it’s not just listening.

  Right, listening and learning.

  I know ye dont get it. Other people do.

  Good for them. Dad raised his book and opened it.

  Dad I’m not being cheeky.

  Glad to hear it. Dad turned a page in his book and read for a few moments, then he lowered the book. What festival is this?

  Music Dad, it was Sarah; mind the lassie that came to the bus station with her brother?

  Ye’re talking about Allentown, the people ye met in Allentown?

  You met them too.

  I did, yeah. Dad nodded.

  So what’s wrong?

  Nothing’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong Murdo.

  Well because ye’re not saying anything. Is it because they’re black?

  Pardon?

  …

  Pardon?

  Is it because they’re black?

  Because who’s black?

  Murdo looked at the floor.

  What do ye think I’m a racist now? Is that it?

  Dad

  Eh?

  No.

  It would be pretty poor if ye did. Dad raised his book again but lowered it immediately. Something’s bothering you. I wish ye would say what it is. Eh?

  Murdo gazed at him. We dont really go anyplace. This is the seventh day since we left Scotland.

  It’s Thursday. We’ve been here since the early hours of Monday morning.

  Yeah but we left Scotland last Friday Dad that’s a week.

  Well I’m just glad to be here son I dont know about yo
u. Relaxing and taking it easy. Away from everything. I thought you would have appreciated that, getting off school – you hate school so much this is you getting away from it. I enjoyed last night Murdo, it was a good wee night, meeting people and talking. And it’ll be a good day on Saturday too. Dad shrugged. What I’m saying is that’s fine for me, the way things have been, I’m not that bothered about going anywhere.

  Okay Dad but getting out a walk.

  Yeah a walk, okay.

  So it’s okay if I go a walk?

  Of course, if that’s what ye’re wanting to do. I dont object to ye going a walk. Dad nodded. The only thing I will say is tell me where ye’re going.

  Dad if it’s only a walk how will I know? I mean like I’ll no be going any place. I wont know until I get there. Unless the shop. Aunt Maureen said there was a local one.

  It’s miles away. It’s miles away Murdo.

  Is there not a garage? I thought there was a garage, like I mean they’ll have a wee shop for milk and bread and whatever, newspapers and coffee. I could go there.

  Dad looked at him.

  I’m not saying I want to go there.

  I thought ye were.

  I wasnay, it’s just like somewhere to go.

  People pass through gas stations Murdo. All kinds of people from all everywhere. Ye dont know who ye’re talking to, there’s a lot of crazies about. Guys drive with guns in the glove compartment. Road rage here son they pull a gun on ye. Ye get yer head blown off. You want to hear some of the stories Uncle John tells.

  Dad