Dirt Road

by James Kelman

  Okay.

  Dont watch the floor too much.

  Yeah but if I kick ye?

  Dont worry about that, she said. Where I come from people wear boots and it dont stop them. Throw the sugar on the floor and off they set. You know what a clod hopper is?

  No.

  You dont huh. They got them clogs and go hop hop hopping along.

  People were coming and Murdo was going to side-step away but Aunt Maureen kept him on the same track. She was good at dancing. He had expected that. They danced a path round the edge of the dance area but were not going as well as all that. They seemed to be then lost the rhythm. It was Murdo’s fault. Aunt Maureen smiled. You just got to concentrate Murdo, that’s what it is.

  Murdo felt his hands sweaty and was aware of them on her dress, his hands maybe gripping her so they creased the material instead of just holding her, palms and fingers. He wasnt sure if Aunt Maureen noticed. She was humming under her breath. Murdo kept going, one two shuffle, not thinking too much, one two shuffle, one two shuffle.

  *

  Late night on the road home, the 4x4, Uncle John driving, Dad in the front passenger seat, Aunt Maureen and Murdo in the rear. Murdo was awake but must have been dozing. Silence but for the hum of the car engine. Uncle John and Dad talking, they were talking. Not now, and no radio. Murdo yawned. Aunt Maureen had noticed and smiled, then gazed back out the window. The silence continued until Uncle John said, Of course he’s Irish…

  I thought he was American, said Dad.

  Talking family, he’s a descendant.

  I thought his mother was from Glasgow.

  Aw yeah, from way back but Declan! Know what I mean that aint Scottish. Who’s called Declan? It’s Irish. A name like that. Oireesh. He’s Oireesh. I dont know about her; the woman he came with.

  Linda, said Dad, I think she came with other people.

  Mm.

  Aunt Maureen called: Lives in Springfield Missouri Tommy; same as your cousin John. I know Linda, she is one nice girl, and she knows young John too.

  Dad twisted on the seat to see round at Aunt Maureen. Aunt Maureen winked at Murdo then was staring out the window again.

  Cousin John was Uncle John’s elder boy, the one he didnt talk to. But Aunt Maureen talked to him. Two days ago Murdo had come out the bathroom after a shower and she was on the phone to him. Murdo heard enough to work that out.

  Uncle John had started talking again but more quietly now and Murdo had to shift on the seat and strain to hear.

  We saw a television programme, said Uncle John, Irish-Scotch or whatever the hell, Scotch-Irish! I was angry watching it Tommy, so would you have been. King James and all his rebels right enough. Dont call me Scotch. I tell them that in the bastard work, ye want Scotch go to the bastard pub. Excuse the language, he said. Uncle John sniffed, but an angry sniff. Call me Scottish, that’s what I tell them, I’m not Scotch, dont call me Scotch. I get a bit annoyed the way everything here’s Irish, know what I mean – Oireesh!

  Dad spoke quietly. The guy’s from Alabama but Uncle John. He only works in Texas.

  I’ve got nothing against him – whatever he is, dont get me wrong. Only it aint a thing to talk about; not in that company. You got to know who you’re talking to. Religion like that! He’s a bloody singer! He’s paid to sing! That Billy Boy stuff, Protestants and Catholics and all that. In the name of God Tommy what century is he living in! Know what I mean, it’s insulting. Uncle John glanced at Dad. How does he know anyway?

  He works beside Scottish guys. Dad said, Offshore, there’s a lot of Scottish guys work offshore; he hears the banter.

  Banter! Uncle John shook his head.

  Murdo looked to the rear-view mirror but couldnt see his eyes. He sat back on the seat now. Dad knew he was listening. Uncle John was silent. That was something how he didnt like Declan. And other people didnt too. That was what upset Linda, and she got angry. Declan just laughed. He took buses everywhere and made jokes about it. He said he appreciated buses because he wrote songs traveling on them. Nobody wrote songs driving an automobile. Declan said that, if they did they would crash! Everybody has a laugh but Declan had a good one. There was a quality to it; the same when he was talking between songs. It fitted in with that stagey growl he did, kind of macho but like a kid-on, dont take it serious.

  Aunt Maureen was dozing.

  They were passing through a built-up area. Uncle John was doing his cheery wee whistling now, hardly making a sound other than the breath escaping, how it escapes sometimes like how with the pipes the bag expels air, the breaths, huh hih huh hih huh hih, and the drone, that drone

  FOUR

  On Sunday afternoon Dad came out to the patio carrying a book and a coffee. Murdo was sunbathing at his usual spot in the garden but closer in to the hedge for shade. The hi-fi and US Road Atlas were closeby. He lowered the volume and exchanged a wave with Dad then returned to the book he was reading, one about a guy who came back to the town of his birth after years in an army stockade for a crime he did not commit. The sheriff of the town hated him because of a thing from childhood. It was good, set in the state of Arizona.

  Dad hadnt opened his book, he was just sitting there. Usually he would have been reading in the house before coming out and was carrying on where he left off. Sometimes he read while he walked. That was Dad, a major reader. Murdo reached to turn down the hi-fi volume again but would have been as well turning it off altogether. Ye wasted brain energy trying to listen and this interfered with the music. It was worse than frustrating. It seemed a lack of concentration but it wasnt concentration at all. Ye did concentrate. It was just some of it went in the wrong direction. Or else it was a different concentration; concentrating to concentrate. Real concentration was where ye didnt have to think about it, yet took it all in.

  The temperature was into the eighties now. Aunt Maureen had said it was going to be hot. Her and Uncle John had gone to church. Before leaving she came downstairs to see if Murdo had changed his mind. It was awkward saying no. But he hadnt said yes in the first place so it was not like he had changed his mind.

  He carried on reading. Later Dad was coming towards him, carrying a chair from the patio. Is company okay? he asked.

  Murdo grinned.

  Dad gestured at the book. Any good?

  Yeah.

  Dad nodded, he sat back on the chair, closing his eyes into the sun. This is the life, he murmured.

  Neither spoke for a while. Murdo moved to lift his cowboy novel but stopped when Dad spoke. The thing with church, he said, at one time, ye would have had nay option but to go. Whether ye believed in it or not. It’s still the same in some places.

  Back home, said Murdo. Stornoway and these places.

  Yeah but here too son it depends on the community. Some of Aunt Maureen’s friends, if ye didnay go to church they would send round a doctor, they would think ye were ill!

  Murdo smiled.

  Seriously, they’re strong on the church and ye just have to watch it.

  Fundamentalists…

  Not fundamentalists Murdo that’s where ye’re wrong. They’re just ordinary people.

  Well Dad I saw their leaflets at the Gathering and like some of the things they were saying I mean they were just kind of – kind of silly. I’m not being cheeky.

  Are ye not?

  No.

  Good. Ye know son I’ve got to say, maybe you dont know, how proud Aunt Maureen and Uncle John are of ye.

  Murdo shifted on the chair, shaking his head and breathing loudly.

  Honestly, said Dad, I think that was a wee thing about church ye know, I think they were wanting to show ye off! Because of yesterday, when ye were playing the guitar. One of their friends said they were “spellbound”; that was the word. Telling ye son that’s a real compliment. It’s a good compliment. It’s the kind of one people dont say unless they mean it. Really. That was you on guitar too…! God imagine the accordeon! Ye would have blown them away!

  Murdo looked at him.r />
  Naw but ye would have! Dad grinned. I’m no kidding ye son ye would have blown them away!

  Dad I’m no wanting to blow anybody away.

  No

  Really, I’m no wanting to blow anybody away. Murdo sat forwards on his chair and was saying, It’s only to play with them Dad not to like beat them. How can ye beat them, ye cannay beat them, it’s daft saying it. Know what I mean, it’s just daft like it’s just eh – it’s daft. Murdo shook his head. Sorry Dad. I only mean like… I’m sorry.

  Dad smiled. I’m no used to being called daft. Eh?

  Murdo had lowered his head, was staring at the patio floor; and the edge of the table almost was white in places because where the sun, the way the sun affected it.

  Dad clasped his hands on the table. I’m no used to being called daft.

  It’s just ye see it was Chess led me. Chess Hopkins Dad he’s brilliant, he is just brilliant. Him and Clara, it’s just like great great music, just great. Clara is special; she is so so special. Like playing with them Dad, just playing with them… Murdo shook his head.

  Aye well you’re special too. Dad looked away.

  Murdo closed his eyes.

  Ye are son.

  Dad it’s not the same.

  It is the same. Ye are. People thought that. That is what they thought. And they said it too. You disappeared! Dad smiled. I only wish… If ye had played the accordeon son, when ye had the chance. I mean ye had the chance. The band would have let ye play. Uncle John asked them and they said aye. He asked them for you. They said aye. It was you said no! Dad sighed. I’m not getting at ye. I just…I dont understand it. Usually ye play at the drop of a hat.

  No I dont.

  Yeah ye do, if anybody asks.

  Not anybody.

  Och yes ye do. Ye’re aye ready to give them a tune. Dont get me wrong, it’s nice that ye do. Ye did it with the black family. That’s what ye did with them. Ye did. I was there and saw ye.

  No ye didnt Dad.

  I was there.

  Murdo smiled, shaking his head.

  What do ye think it’s funny?

  Murdo stopped smiling.

  They ask ye to play and ye play: Uncle John asks ye and it’s Oh no. No. Dad stared at Murdo. That’s what ye said to Uncle John, No. Right there on that bloody dance floor in front of his friends. He’s gone to all that trouble asking the boy on the accordeon then you turn him down! I couldnay believe it! I couldnay! You have the cheek to turn him down!

  Dad sat back shaking his head then sat forwards again and wagged his right forefinger at Murdo. It’s nothing to do with being bloody black so dont start that nonsense. You played for them but not for yer own family. That’s the point I’m making.

  Dad

  What did ye mean to hurt them? Eh? Did ye? You hurt Uncle John. You hurt him. And when ye hurt him ye hurt me; ye hurt me and ye hurt Aunt Maureen. That was a family thing Murdo. It goes deep. The same going to church. You had another chance and ye didnay take it. Aunt Maureen was wanting to show us off. We’re her nephews from Scotland. It’s a big deal.

  But you didnt go either.

  That’s right.

  Well?

  She asked you first.

  Yeah but she asked ye Dad she asked ye!

  That’s right she asked me, of course she asked me. She asked you and you said no then she asked me, and I said no. If you had said yes I would have said yes.

  …

  Ye didnay, ye said no. If you had gone I would have gone.

  So ye wouldnt have left me in the house myself?

  That’s one way of putting it.

  So like ye cannay trust me?

  Dad gazed at him.

  Murdo shrugged.

  I trust ye son but things happen.

  What things?

  Aw never mind, said Dad. Uncle John and Aunt Maureen will be home any minute.

  Murdo turned his head. I’ve got my own life Dad. If I play I play. I play if I want to play. If I dont want to play then I dont play, and that’s that.

  Exactly, ye’ve summed it up. Dad sighed. Look son when Uncle John asks ye to play the accordeon ye play the accordeon. That is what ye do. This is family, it’s a family obligation. It wouldnay have been hard son, not for you. Ye play that accordeon like a champion so ye should have played it for us. Just like ye played it for the black family. I still cannay get my head round that one! The first I heard ye play since Mum died. Coming round the back of that house. The middle of nowhere and all black people. And there ye are playing for them! Dad laughed briefly, then shook his head.

  Dad

  Well it’s true.

  Dad it isnt, it isnt true at all. I wasn’t playing for them. Not for them. I was playing with them. You only came at the end, so ye only heard me, ye didnt hear Sarah’s granny.

  Dad smiled.

  Dad she’s famous. She’s a famous musician. Queen Monzee-ay, she’s a famous famous musician. Ye shouldnay bring her down.

  I’m not bringing her down.

  Ye are.

  I’m not. I resent ye saying that Murdo I really do.

  She’s a great musician.

  I hear ye.

  She’s playing that festival I was telling ye about.

  Dad groaned. Nobody’s heard of any music festival except you. LaFayette’s just a wee town. Uncle John’s drove through it a hundred times.

  Yeah because it’s a different Lafayette. The one I’m talking about is in the state of Louisiana. There’s different Lafayettes. Declan told me. Declan Pike.

  I know who he is.

  Yeah well I mean he’s a musician. Murdo shrugged.

  Yeah so that explains it then eh! Dad stood up from the chair shaking his head.

  Dad

  Dont Dad me: you think you know the world son and you dont, you dont. Dad turned from him and lifted the chair. He strode onto the patio, dumped down the chair and continued into the house.

  Murdo watched the door close. He sat a little longer then collected his stuff, returned to the house, and downstairs to the basement. He closed the door and lay down on the bed; but jumped up at once, took off the shorts for a pair of joggers, grabbed a T-shirt and pulled on his trainers. He found the money in his jacket pocket, extracted a $20 note, and upstairs two and three steps at a time, needing to go fast fast fast. Dad was in his room with the door shut. Murdo passed along, heading for the back door but stopped there. He returned to Dad’s bedroom door. He called, not too loudly: I’m going a walk. Just round the block. I’ll not be long.

  He didnt wait for an answer. That was that and he was glad. Down from the patio to the side driveway exit, out onto the pavement, he kept walking. Very very glad. Of course Dad would worry but it was his fault. Dad was Dad. He was angry now but would worry after.

  Worry worry stupid worry, stupid stupid worry worry.

  Only if he had said “Dad”. He didnt say “Dad”. He should have said “Dad”. I’m going a walk Dad, just round the block Dad, I’ll not be long Dad.

  He would worry because he always did.

  Murdo glanced back over his shoulder. He wasnt there! What a thought! Ye could imagine it, Dad running down the street, Murdo Murdo come back come back!

  Although he couldnt stay away too long. Definitely not. Aunt Maureen and Uncle John would be home soon and would worry if he wasnt there.

  A street corner ahead. He turned along it, seeking a landmark. Houses had the flags of America and Alabama, one or the other or both. The one for Alabama had the same Saltire design as Scotland but a red cross on the white background instead of a white one on the blue.

  People worried. How come? Because it was a row caused him to leave the house. Oh I hope he doesnt do something daft! Ye could understand it but not too much. What would he do? Run away and never come home! It was daft. Dad was Dad so it was not like forever and ever. How could it be?

  Only if he had said “Dad”: I’m going a walk Dad, Dad I’ll not be long, so then he would have known it was okay and not t
o worry. It was just like he needed to get out the house. Ye couldnt stay in forever just because ye worried about getting lost. Then what happens? Ye’re dead. Here lies Murdo Macarthur who never went out the house. Stupid worries. How can ye live?

  I’m just going a walk. Well dont disappear! Although roundabout here it was quiet streets. Maybe nobody did walk. That was Uncle John’s joke, people were feart in case they got shot as an intruder. So they went to parks or the shopping mall. But without a car how did they get there? They had to walk. To go a walk ye had to walk. Unless a taxi. But if ye were saving money? Maybe they hitched. Some would. Poor people didnt have a choice so it was like ye had to hitch. Or else ye were stuck. Imagine being stuck. If ye were in America. How could ye be stuck! Ye would go nuts. It was like so vast, it was just like so so big!

  Seeing the Weather Channel ye thought it was too big, icy wastes and summer suns. Then ye saw the Road Map book and it was like Oh I could go, I could just go. Getting to Lafayette, Louisiana would have been easy with a car. There were different roads ye could take. Imagine a driver’s licence and not using it. That was Dad. How could ye have one and not bring it? The easy route was straight south to the town of Mobile then along from there. Ye passed through New Orleans then the town of Baton Rouge. Lafayette came after that. But if ye went sideways to Allentown, Mississippi for the first stop it was still quite easy; Yazoo City and after that Jackson. The maps made everything closer; go east to Savannah or west to San Diego. But ye could if ye had a place to go. Murdo did. Cousin Calum was in California.

  Jeesoh Aunt Maureen! Her relations were everywhere! That was the amazing-mazing thing. Anywhere ye wanted. Just like if ye wanted to disappear, if ye did. Sometimes he did. Life made ye think it. Money wouldnt matter, twenty dollars or no dollars, ye just went, if that was you, ye just went, if ye were disappearing. Or like – whatever.

  The lawns here were right down to the pavement and didnt have any hedges. No people hardly at all. They were maybe all at church.

  Murdo walked on. Walking was good. Walking was the best. Walking was just the very very best. How it quieted ye down, quieting yer brains. Brains. Murdo’s brains, quietened. Walking alone, no sound, nothing.