Dirt Road

by James Kelman

  How come he was here? To bloody play. It was his life. Sarah was Sarah and that was her – Gene, who cares about Gene. People have their own life. This was Murdo’s. Nobody else’s. Not Dad’s. Not nobody. Whatever he did was him. Ye just go ahead, this is what ye did and ye just bloody lived. That was that, like Mum, that was Mum, ye just wanted to cry and he always did and that was that he bloody cried, standing there in the corridor so had to wait there, wherever Sarah was, if she came out a room and saw him.

  He was controlling it. He managed this by not doing anything until the water stopped flowing. It stopped flowing because he didnt do anything. He didnt try to stop it. He didnt try anything. That was the best way. And he didnt wipe his eyes because that just smeared and left streaks, yer eyes went red and people noticed. Who cares anyway. That is people, whatever they do, that is up to them. Ye cannot hide, who can hide, nobody.

  He lifted the accordeon-case. Ahead was the emergency exit door and it was ajar, enough to peer through. The smell of tobacco, cigarette smoke. Queen Monzee-ay was outside on a wooden dining chair. He pushed open the door.

  It was a small patio, more like a wooden platform; big enough for about four chairs. Queen Monzee-ay sat drinking tea, gazing over a wide empty area that looked like it had been a place for factories or warehouses but now was cleared of everything except the concrete foundations: she was gazing to the evening sky; a redness there that was quite amazing. Where did that lead? Away west, wherever that was, the Pacific Ocean. But what ye knew about was tomorrow, that it would be a beautiful day, the very best; the sky was telling ye.

  She seemed not to know he was there, until then she spoke, barely so much as moving her lips: Hey Mister Murdo you going to play with me?

  Murdo grinned. He kept grinning.

  You going to play with me?

  That would be great.

  What you been doing all day?

  Walking about.

  You didnt stop and say hullo this afternoon now why was that? Edna said you were there and Sarah went looking. You disappeared.

  Queen Monzee-ay shifted on her chair, she studied him. Murdo lowered his gaze, switched hands on the accordeon-case handle. She massaged the side of her back a moment then lifted her bag from the floor, pointed to the emergency exit door. Get a chair from in there, she said.

  Murdo did as she bade. When he returned and was seated she gestured at the accordeon-case. Let me see that thing.

  Murdo brought out the accordeon. Queen Monzee-ay looked at it. I dont like its face, she said. It play okay?

  Not bad.

  I got you the turquoise.

  Did ye! Aw! Thanks! Thanks! Really I mean thanks, thanks.

  Queen Monzee-ay chuckled. You like that one huh?

  Yeah I do, yeah. Yeah, I do.

  Yeah, that old turquoise got a history… Hey now you make Diego’s show?

  No.

  Okay. Queen Monzee-ay nodded. They were wanting you there, Diego’s boys, wanting you to hear what they do. I would have gone myself but these venues got no place proper to sit Murdo and I got this back.

  She rubbed at her back and at her sides again. And a weird thing happened: Queen Monzee-ay was looking away to the front someplace but at the same time was talking to him or seemed to be. Except he couldnt hear anything, if she was speaking it was so quietly, hardly at all, like saving her breath.

  Also the light, her facing to the sunset and him seated behind her, not able to see her face properly. This wee patio was a special place. A place so quiet ye could go to sleep, sitting right here. And if ye were weary, really really weary, and Murdo was weary, just so so weary, if he even had a mind, if he had one

  The chair screeched on the wood. His chair, on the wooden floor.

  Diego would have been good for you to hear, said Queen Monzee-ay. Got his own style of playing but he goes rocking along.

  Mm.

  Life in us old-timers huh? Come over here, she said. Murdo dragged his chair closer. Queen Monzee-ay reached to touch his left wrist and she stroked it. Sarah said you would come. And Miss Edna said it too. Oh he’ll be here, that is what she said.

  Queen Monzee-ay held onto Murdo’s left hand and he couldnt have taken it away, and she kept looking at him until he raised his head to meet her eyes properly. He smiled. You laughing? she asked. What you laughing at Murdo?

  Murdo chuckled.

  Boy you laughing at me! You are too young to be laughing at me! Queen Monzee-ay made a fierce face at him. You know who my people are!

  No.

  You dont know who my people are!

  Queen Monzee-ay kept a hold of his hand and he could not withdraw it; he would have preferred to. He didnt like being held by people. Although it was her and she was different. What you got to say for yourself? she asked, and Murdo could not raise his head. He studied the floor, the spars of wood, chipped and one edge rotted away. Queen Monzee-ay continued: You got to talk son. Women like a man to talk. Not all the time but some of the time. You got to talk some of the time Murdo.

  Sorry.

  What you mean sorry? Dont you be sorry.

  Murdo put his right hand to his eyes, shielding them.

  Hey now, ssh, let me say about Sarah, you met her mom who is Carrie. Carrie is my own daughter but she aint like me. You think I’m tough! I aint tough, not one little bit. Carrie is tough. But now Sarah, Sarah is sweet and she is my girl, she tells me everything.

  Murdo took his hand from his brow. Queen Monzee-ay was peering at him. I know about your sister. I know about your Mother. I know how hard it’s been; I know it son. My Sarah tells me. Sarah is my girl; my most close friend – next to Edna.

  Murdo smiled.

  You laughing again! Miss Edna make you laugh! Hey now people quake with Edna! I’m talking men, rough tough men! She is Miss Kwankwan, you know who that is!

  Murdo looked at her.

  Woah, they walk in fear boy, you know what fear is! Queen Monzee-ay let go his hand, she tilted her head and squinted at him: What name do you call me?

  Eh.

  Queen Monzee-ay waited a moment. Murdo was frowning, thinking about this, until she said, Yeah Murdo, you got it now: you dont call me nothing.

  No but

  You dont.

  Well because it’s hard to say like I mean Queen and ye’re not my grandmother.

  No now I aint your grandmother! Queen Monzee-ay glared. You call me Miss Monzee-ay.

  Murdo smiled.

  Say it.

  Miss Monzee-ay.

  Monzee-ay, she said. No secret there son it’s my own family name. Aint Cajun. Dont go mixing that up; Edna wont speak to you ever, not ever. We got our French they got theirs, we were here first son. We didnt come from no Canada. You know about that?

  Murdo was looking at her. Queen Monzee-ay reached to the other side of her chair, lifted a cigarette pack and extracted one, flicked the lighter to light it, and inhaled.

  Murdo said, I’m not sure what ye mean.

  No, they aint big on history here. Queen Monzee-ay exhaled smoke. You got to make your own space in this country Murdo. People dont give you that. You got to take it. You’re American. White is American.

  Murdo looked at her. Queen Monzee-ay raised her hand. White smooths the way, she said. Makes it easier for you. Black dont make nothing easy. We make a space we take a space. Queen Monzee-ay studied him, and smiled. It aint against you son. How long you in this country?

  Two weeks.

  Two weeks. My Lord, two weeks. You got it already. You walked in that door and here you are. That is the most amazing thing ever could happen. You come in our home. Our family. Queen Monzee-ay smiled, shaking her head.

  Yeah but you invited me. Murdo shrugged.

  Okay but you got to come. Someone invites you you got to come. You got invited and you came. That is what you did. You came. People dont do that. Folks want to give them something and they wont take it. They dont take nothing, only they will grab it. When you aint looking, they will push y
ou out the road; they will stab you and they will beat you. Queen Monzee-ay paused in talking. She said, What you got to give they dont want. They take what they want. You know what I’m talking about?

  Yes.

  Queen Monzee-ay nodded. Now we got a little time left son and I will see you soon.

  Thanks.

  You do one tonight? Huh Murdo, want to do one?

  Do one, yeah!

  Okay.

  Murdo grinned.

  Go talk to Sarah and Gene about where you play now I dont want to be falling over your feet.

  Well ye wont.

  No. Queen Monzee-ay chuckled.

  I only mean like I wont get in yer way.

  I know you wont. I know that. She pointed round the side of the building. Go round there, she said, then pointed to the rucksack and the accordeon-case: Leave them in the truck. Joel’ll bring you the turquoise.

  Thanks.

  Murdo walked closeby the wall of the building and this brought him out near the carpark which was busy now. A queue had formed by the club entrance. The big cowboy doorman was exchanging comments with people, having a laugh while ushering them in. Murdo saw Sarah standing near Joel’s pick-up truck. The guy was there too, leaning against the side of a car parked next to it. Sarah was talking, moving about and waving her hands in that excited way she did. But how could ye not look at her? Any guy at all. Ye would. She had a tough way about her till ye knew her then she wasnt. He would never have come except for her. It was her, that was why he came.

  Queen Monzee-ay thought he could talk to her. That was just stupid. Although he had to. It didnt matter anyway. He gripped the accordeon-case. More people queuing and cars arriving. Sarah saw him and waved, and came forwards. Murdo was already walking towards her. She called to him: I knew you would come Murdo!

  She put her arm round his waist and leaned into him like a cuddle. He was still holding the accordeon-case. I knew you would, she said.

  Yeah, he said and smiled. I went to yer house yesterday.

  We left early morning.

  Yeah the afternoon it was.

  You came in the afternoon? Oh but you should have called.

  I didnt have yer phone number. Ye forgot to give me it!

  I did? Oh my God.

  It doesnt matter anyway, I dont have a phone.

  Oh Murdo.

  No, well, I mean…

  I am so sorry!

  No like I was going to Allentown anyway so…I needed an accordeon.

  But we were bringing one for you!

  …

  We were bringing one for you Murdo.

  Murdo smiled. He said, It’s just I needed to rehearse a bit so like I knew there was one in the pawnshop.

  Sarah gazed at him.

  You come by bus? asked Gene.

  Murdo didnt look at Gene. Then he did look at him. He was just ordinary, looking back at him, expecting him just to say what it was, whatever: I came by bus, yeah. Murdo nodded.

  Sarah made to touch his hand. Murdo shifted position slightly. It was the wrong Lafayette, he said.

  Pardon me? said Sarah.

  There’s all these different Lafayettes like on the map…? Ye didnt tell me which one. So the one I thought was in the state of Georgia. Near Chattanooga.

  Oh God.

  Then I found out it was the state of Louisiana. It was another Lafayette altogether. Lucky I had a map.

  What about your Dad? Didnt he know?

  What?

  Where Lafayette was? Didnt he know?

  No. No, he didnt – well I didnt ask him. I mean I did and I didnt. What I mean is like well I didnt tell him. I didnt tell him I was coming.

  Sarah was puzzled.

  He would just have said no.

  Oh Murdo.

  Murdo shrugged. My Dad is just like… I didnt tell him because there was no point.

  He’ll be worried.

  Yeah well maybe, but he doesnt have to be. Murdo sniffed and shook his head. He knows I’m here now anyway so it doesnt matter. He’s coming.

  Oh that’s good, said Sarah.

  Murdo looked at her. He lifted the accordeon-case and gestured with it. Yer Gran said to leave my stuff in the truck.

  Hey… Gene took the accordeon-case from him, opened the boot of the car next to the truck. Safer in here, he said.

  He settled the accordeon-case inside. Murdo passed him the rucksack. Thanks, he said.

  You bet. We better get ready.

  Yeah. Sarah smiled at Murdo, then touched his hand. It is so good you came.

  Yeah, he said. It is, it’s great. He pointed at the venue. What a brilliant place!

  Sarah laughed.

  Gene said, The old Jay Cee; cant ask for more!

  Sarah walked on in front. Gene hesitated, waiting for Murdo. Murdo also hesitated, so then Gene walked on, following Sarah around the side of the building, across the little platform and in through the emergency exit door. Before entering Gene turned to Murdo: You know the Zadiks?

  No.

  We got their drums and bass man they are tight, they are tight. Yeah.

  They’re playing with us? asked Murdo.

  Yeah.

  Brilliant.

  Yeah. Gene grinned.

  *

  Along the corridor Gene and Murdo waited ahead of Sarah. Behind her Queen Monzee-ay sat in the tiny room where she and Sarah dressed. Soon Joel appeared down by the entrance into the main area, and paused there with his hand on the door handle. He grinned seeing Murdo: Hey Murdo!

  And he gestured at them to come forward. Gene walked on, then Murdo, with Sarah immediately behind, and out into the main area. They had to pass the bartender, the old guy with the hat who stood there with his arms folded. By now the club was more than half full and all tables taken. They stepped up onto the stage and into their positions. Joel had set out their instruments. Murdo pulled on the turquoise accordeon and tinkered with it. Gene was tuning his guitar and Sarah was leaning to talk to somebody down from the stage whoever that was, Murdo didnt see and wouldnt see, was avoiding the slightest eye contact with the audience and anybody in it. It was just something, he didnt do it. Getting into his own space. Although if Dad was there. Maybe he was. It would be good if he was. It didnt matter about stuff anyway because that was that. Although he felt like laughing, laugh laugh, hoh di hoh; he touched the keys: that particular sound the turquoise had, jees, yes, beautiful. Okay. That was that, his teeth clicked, they were clicking. Oh well, that was teeth, teeth clicked. The drummer and bass guitar from the Zadiks were onto the stage and chatting to Sarah. Probably they knew her. Of course they did. Everybody did! Queen Monzee-ay’s granddaughter. Murdo saw them looking at him, and he nodded; they smiled in reply. So whatever. The time it was now, ha ha, he looked at the ceiling. Sarah was by the edge of the stage talking to somebody, whoever, Murdo looked to the rear, the drummer getting ready, the bass talking to Gene.

  Then a silence, scattered applause. Murdo glanced around. Queen Monzee-ay had appeared at the backstage doorway. The old bartender held her accordeon and waited with it. She was wearing a type of gown that made ye think of Africa. She stood in that upright way the same as Aunt Edna. When she came forwards she did it like a march, hands at her side and pausing only by the step up onto the stage. This was one of the greatest moments in Murdo’s life. The musicians as well as the audience applauded while she raised slightly the right side of her dress, and stepped up onstage. Murdo laughed suddenly but stopped. Greatest moments ever, in his entire life. He felt this as strongly as ever he could feel anything. Queen Monzee-ay circled the front of the stage, still in a march, gazing out at the audience. She paused by the centre mic, and raised her forearms. Now the bartender stepped up and handed the accordeon to her, her accordeon, the fanciest ever ye saw, just this beautiful beautiful amazing-mazing thing. Queen Monzee-ay said: Thank you Vinnie, and he returned offstage. She stepped behind the mic while pulling it on and adjusting the straps; she was staring out at the audience like ensnari
ng them, looking straight into their eyes because then what could they do? nothing, nobody could do a damn thing because she was in control, this was Queen Monzee-ay, and she was looking straight at them, she was the one, she was the hero. She was, just the best ever; ever.

  Did she wink? Maybe she did. She gave a beckoning wave, drawing everybody in, into my parlour, and delivered the opening lines of the track “C’est Moi” – one written by my sister, Queen Ida.

  And she delivered the opening lines as a statement: Come listen to my story; I come from Louisiane.

  And she looked around the audience, then she said, I play my music on an old accordeon. And she stepped back, but still to the mic she sang in close:

  Ooo la la.

  And all of the musicians and very many members of the audience responded in a shout:

  Je suis comsois

  People were onto the floor immediately. Queen Monzee-ay sang on from then. Sarah on le frottoir, Murdo accordeon, Gene on that strong-sounding blues guitar. On backing vocals Sarah, Murdo and the Zadiks drummer who also called line-end responses to Queen Monzee-ay in that jokey style, in French as well as English. The Zadiks bass played with great shoulder movements, like a tough guy walking, all the time looking to Queen Monzee-ay. Him and the drummer gave a fullness but a fighting rhythm that was just like the best because here she was, this was her, here in this very space, she was the tough guy walking, she was the one, she was Queen Monzee-ay. It was like what she had said about Aunt Edna: really it was her, she was the one made the tough guys quake, she was the Lady.

  Once ye got it that was that. Murdo played in to the bass, so this best-sounding rhythm section; bass, drums and accordeon, freeing up Gene firing off on lead guitar, and freeing up Sarah too so she could play in to Queen Monzee-ay which was how Queen Monzee-ay wanted it herself. Sarah’s laughing eyes.

  She did not smile with the other musicians unless called for in the track. So ye were just like totally in the music all the time, ye didnt see anything else except them in their music while you were in yours and all what it was doing: making sure of the next thing along, where it came and how it came, including the bits inbetween like the “silences”, except measured. So if it is like silence how can it be measured? Ha ha, the Zadiks bass and drummer knew, so did Murdo.