by Jane Linfoot
‘So you are returning?’ He’s scouring my face for clues. ‘Meaning, there isn’t anyone else in the frame to keep you away?’
‘Yes, I am. And it’s definitely still just me.’ There’s a flutter as I think of my test drive with Barney, but that was all it was. I have to let it go and move on.
‘So, how are you really – once we strip away those rose-tinted gypsy caravans, the foreign language T-shirts and the never-ending views of the beach?’ I watch his Adam’s apple bulge as he swallows. ‘You can be honest here, Edes, this is me you’re talking to.’
‘Sometimes it’s hard.’ I give a shrug and wonder how he knows to push this. Reading Aunty Jo’s house details in between party preps has taken way longer than a Dead End Murder book. ‘All those pesky long words.’
‘So nothing new there then?’ As he gives my ribs a gentle nudge with his elbow he’s laughing. ‘You were never the world’s best speller – anything longer than a five letter word, you had to Google it. It sounds to me like it’s just business as usual.’
‘Jeez, Marcus.’
‘We might as well tell it like it is.’ His arm comes around my shoulder and he pulls me into a squeeze. ‘Don’t look so hurt, it’s not important. Everyone always loved you for your wonderful puddings and the way you pulled us up on the bullshit, it wasn’t ever for your intellectual conversation.’ He blows out his cheeks. ‘Do you know, being home alone playing FIFA is every guy’s dream for a week, but any longer is hell. I’ve really missed you, Edes.’
I’m shaking my head.
‘This is where I leave a gap, and you say you missed me too.’ His brow wrinkles into a frown. ‘You have missed me?’
‘Well, yes …’ And no. I can hardly tell him, when I think back carefully, the biggest pangs I can remember were for the house. ‘Sometimes …’ I take in his appalled expression. ‘I’ve had a lot to think about.’
‘I’m sorry, I know you have.’ He’s pursing his lips. ‘But, given how much we’ve missed each other, I’ve been thinking we could give it another go.’
Nothing’s completely straightforward with Marcus, so it’s best to ask. ‘So how would that work?’
He’s smiling like it’s a no-brainer. ‘Well, you’re obviously not up to your high-flying job, so we could drop straight back to Plan B?’
‘Plan what?’
‘The family. I mean, Kate and Wills have got three now, we’re already miles behind them. It’s perfect timing for you to take a career break.’
‘You’re making a lot of …’ And dammit because if ever I needed to think of the word it’s now.
‘A lot of what, assumptions?’ He shrugs as he takes in my nod. ‘Not at all. I’m simply being creative, that’s what I’m good at, remember?’
‘Of course.’ I should do, he reminds everyone often enough.
‘You could look after the children and pick up your career again later. Hell, I’ll even wait until you get your career sorted out, if you insist.’
‘I-I-I don’t know what to say.’ I know I’ve toyed with the idea in my head, but coming out of nowhere it’s knocked me off-balance.
‘You could try saying what a brilliant idea it is? Think of our house, bursting with kids, even a dog or two if you must. It’s a wonderful image.’
‘It is.’ I saw the same picture once in the dark after that chat with Aunty Jo. And a whole summer with the children on the lane has shown me how much I like being around kids.
Marcus cuts off my thought train. ‘We’d obviously upsize, maybe even move to the country.’
‘Hang on, you’ll be promising me a pony next.’
‘If that’s what’s going to make our kids happy, why the hell not?’ And the funny thing is, he sounds so enthusiastic and genuine he’s almost carrying me along.
‘But …’ There’s something holding me back.
‘I know you want this too, Edes. Look what I found.’ He dips into his pocket and holds out a tiny scrap of grey fabric, and my stomach drops. ‘Tucked behind the mirror in my gaming room – I take it the nursery prints weren’t there to help my Call of Duty skills?’
‘Okay.’ I’m putting my hands up on my head, I can’t pretend here. If I didn’t want him finding my private daydreams I should have been more careful where I left them. ‘The stars are mine.’
‘See, we are realigned.’ He’s punching the air. ‘I know you’ll never be how you used to be, but I’ll accept that.’
‘R-r-right.’
‘So that’s a “yes”?’ His arm’s around me again, and this time it’s squeezing me tighter than ever. ‘Why not move straight back in? Let’s get this family on the road.’
‘Actually …’
‘Don’t say anything more, take as long as you need.’ He swoops down and briefly brushes my lips with his. ‘Slow-mo’s how it’s got to be from now on, but I’m good with that. I’ll be in Bulgaria anyway.’
‘Bulgaria?’
‘Two weeks offline, off toxins, off grid. It’s a super-pure creative conference experience, my latest freebie. I’ll be back practically before I’ve gone.’ He glances at his latest watch. ‘Hey, how’s that for a timekeeper? If it was any more slender it would actually cease to exist.’ Then he pulls a face. ‘Where’s your watch?’
As I stare at my empty wrist my heart drops to somewhere around my knees. ‘Oh, I left it in the bathroom.’ At Aunty Jo’s, and it was months ago, but he doesn’t have to know that.
‘Well, that’s good. It cost a packet, I’d hate you to have lost it.’ He grins at me, then looks back at his own watch again. ‘Jeez, if I don’t give your mum her crate of champagne and run, I’m going to miss my plane.’
As he jumps up and dives into the back seat of his car, I turn and see Tash coming out of the drive, Wilf in her arms, Tiddlywink lurching from foot to foot, jumping along beside her.
‘Everything okay down here? You waved, then I saw Marcus go in for a snog …’ Her eyes are wide with query.
‘It was more of a peck.’ Seeing how little it challenged my lippy, it might have even been an air kiss.
‘We’re more than okay.’ Marcus swings across the pavement towards us, a Moët crate in the crook of his arm. ‘Edes and I had a very constructive chat, so watch this space. Expect to see a lot more of me very soon.’ His one enigmatic raised eyebrow is completely inappropriate seeing as he has already pretty much given the game away. Then he turns to me again and holds up the box. ‘Okay, take me to the birthday girl, then I’m gone.’
As I stare up at him it all locks into place. I know he’s smart and good-looking, and successful. And he’s everything I used to love before. But I also know if I go back to him now, I’ll be selling myself short. Even if we had those children he’s aching for, his love comes with so many clauses and conditions, I’ll always feel like his consolation prize.
But in the split second that I take all that in something more important hits me – me not wanting to start a family wasn’t about the job at all. My cold feet then and now are because Marcus isn’t the right person.
‘I know you’re in a rush, but before you go—’ I take a huge breath, then let the words out slowly, to make sure he gets them. ‘I won’t be moving back in with you.’
He turns to me accusingly, putting down the crate of champagne. ‘But you haven’t had time to decide.’
I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Marcus panicked before. ‘I would like kids, Marcus, but when I have them I want it to be with someone who loves me as I am, not someone who wishes I was different.’
‘Jeez, Edes, where are you getting these ideas? This is real life, not the sodding summer of sixty-nine.’ As his voice rises, his leg takes a swing at the car, and his foot bounces off the back tyre.
‘So, just to be clear, it’s thanks but no thanks to getting back together.’
His eyes narrow. ‘This is about you wanting kids with that ironic Aidan Turner lookalike, thinking he’ll be a better dad than me?’
‘You’re to
tally wrong.’ I don’t remember Marcus ever being this perceptive, but however close to the truth he is today, I refuse to admit any of it. To him or myself.
He’s shaking his head at me as he flings open the car door. ‘Fine. Call me when you come to your senses, and we’ll talk again.’
‘I won’t—’ He’s slammed the door, and he’s already roaring off down the close, so as my words tail off I’m left talking to myself. ‘—won’t be calling … or changing my mind.’
‘Go, Edie!’ Tash gives me a play punch, then, as she slides her arm around my shoulders, she’s looking down at me with admiration. ‘However well you did, he always managed to undermine you, so well done for putting him straight.’
I grin at Tiddlywink and lean over to pop a flower bud. ‘He was always big on the “What the hell, Edie?” looks. I don’t want that any more.’
Tash is smiling as she nods. ‘You’ve changed.’
‘And what does that mean?’
‘Only that you’d never have had the balls to do that before you went to Cornwall.’
I have to remind her. ‘I had left him.’
‘But we all thought if he asked, you’d be straight back.’ She raises her eyebrows and her smile widens as she takes in the crate of champagne still on the kerb. ‘Impeccable planning though. You got the champagne, and you told him where to get off.’ She sends me a wink. ‘It’s lovely to see my little sister’s finally got her shit together.’
I have no idea why she’s saying that now, but it’s a first so I’m happy to take it.
40
Day 300: Tuesday, 28th August
In the city
Epic Achievement: Squaring the circle when I meant to close it.
(Obviously being ironic here about the achievement bit – do I even know what squaring the circle means? Probably not. Did I ever? Probably not that either. Doughnuts were involved – they’re circles too.) (Just saying.)
When you’ve had the adrenalin burst of a big sunny event, it’s only natural that the days that follow might feel less sparkly when the weather turns. After the thrill of coming home again – then the party and the shuddering thrill of standing up to Marcus for a second time – as Bella drives me into town on Tuesday lunchtime I’m being reminded how dismal soaking city streets can be when the rain clouds close in overhead. Put it this way, if I was looking for promising signs for my return, I wouldn’t be finding any, so it’s a good thing I’m not. Once we’re out of the car we dash along the shiny pavements, dodge the wall of water splashing up as a bus hits a puddle, and head for the traffic lights next to our favourite lunchtime hangout.
‘It’s been baking hot for months, and it buckets down the day you’re back.’ Bella links her arm through mine and she’s shouting over the roar of engines. ‘Don’t worry, it’s only a shower. The sun will soon be out again and it’s a good excuse to use your pretty flamingo brolly. Are you okay?’
As the cars rumble past, I shrink under my umbrella and wish I could put my hands over my ears.
‘It’s very noisy.’ Comparing it to the crash of the waves is a slippery slope. They’re louder than thunderclaps when it’s stormy, but I’m totally determined not to become a Cornwall bore. What happened in St Aidan stays there, end of. Even though I’m yelling here and my words are drowned out I’m still bubbling inside with the thrill of it all. ‘But it’s good to be back.’
‘Great that you’re here, come on.’ She yanks me out into the road. ‘That green man up there means we can go.’
‘And the red man means stop.’ As I make a leap for the kerb I still know that much, even if it’s taking a while to get my head around the rest. I feel like I did the first time we went to London on our own when we were teenagers and the only reason we got our courage up to cross Oxford Street was because we could see Topshop on the other side. I laugh at her. ‘I’m pleased you’re here to hang onto.’ It’s actually a relief Jake suggested meeting at the coffee shop later so we can go back to the Zinc Inc office together.
‘Any time.’ Bella’s grinning at me. ‘Wet lunchtimes are always crazy, and the place is still heaving with tourists too.’
As we scurry for the shelter of the Sugar Sugar Coffee Emporium and the water squelches between my bare toes, I’m cursing for not swapping my slip-on mules for ankle boots. We run past the stretch of deserted outdoor tables, then I sigh as I take in the tall plate glass shop windows, with the boxy gold leaf writing.
‘No sitting outside today.’
‘As a big favour, they’re saving us our favourite table in the window. It’s your “welcome back” treat.’ Bella’s right to look pleased with herself because lunchtime reservations at Sugar Sugar are unknown. We shake out our umbrellas at the door and walk on past the queue of customers waiting for seats and sit down at the one empty table covered in a blue checked cloth. ‘Realistically, takings probably plummeted when you stopped coming in, so they’ll be more than delighted to have you back. Today’s on me – are you having your usual?’
‘If you’re sure?’ I take in her nod.
‘So two large lattes, two extra large pecan pastries, please.’ She smiles at the waitress who had slid over, notepad in hand, then turns back to me. ‘You will still be here on Friday? We’ll keep things low-key, have a quiet after-work drink with the gang and ease you back into city life.’
It’s very tempting, and she’s right again; it would be good to catch up with all the people I’ve not seen for so long. I know there’s no rush to get back to St Aidan, but I’m torn. I have a lifetime ahead of me to go out with the girl crew, but barely any Friday nights left to go to the Plank Place with Cam. Even thinking about it now, there’s a twang in my chest. I dip into my bag to touch up my lippy before the coffee comes, and pick up my sunnies too. This has to be the first time in months I’m not wearing them. But while I’d happily go out with them propped on my head in St Aidan when the rain was sluicing down, that’s the kind of thing people in Bath give more damns about, so I pushed them into my bag instead. Before I wouldn’t have given any damn myself either way, but I’m feeling a bit like the new girl at school here, really desperate to fit back in.
‘Sunnies?’ Bella notices them on the cloth immediately as I patch up my mouth. ‘I love how optimistic you are.’
‘I’m hoping the pie will be dazzling.’ I’m always straight with Bella, but it’s hard to say why I’m putting them on when the slice of sky we can see above the street is the colour of coal.
‘You won’t have long to wait.’ She grins at me as the waitress sweeps our way and unloads her tray. As the woman leaves, Bella leans forward and drops her voice. ‘And while we’re eating you can tell me how our favourite party gatecrasher, Marcus, is.’
It takes a few bites of delectably flaky pastry and toffee breadcrumbs for me to work out my reply.
‘Lonely, otherwise much the same.’
‘Hot, hunky, having occasional dickhead moments which we always forgive him for, and perpetually on his way somewhere more on-trend then?’ She’s laughing at me because we both know how perfectly that sums him up.
‘Only now he’s suggesting we get back together and have a baby.’
‘Seriously, is that what you want?’
I let out a groan. ‘I’ve so missed our kitchen …’
‘Edie Browne, that’s no kind of a reason, and you know it.’
I push a flake of pastry into my mouth. ‘I shocked myself, I actually I told him where to stick his offer – as nicely as I could.’
‘Phew, I’m pleased to hear it.’
‘He was always telling me to “keep up” when we lived together before, so I’d never make the pace now. I had this vision, him rushing ahead and me staring after him looking at a little speck in the distance where the land meets the sky.’
The corners of her mouth pull downwards. ‘It’s sad, but he was never the greatest at building your confidence. It’s great that you held out.’
‘I told him I wasn’t a consolatio
n prize, I didn’t want him accepting second best. But the more I think about it, I settled for second best with him. For all those years, I did everything he asked. Our life looked wonderful in the Instagram shots, but I wasn’t ever completely what he wanted.’
‘We deserve to be adored as we are, Edie. Anything less, it’s not worth the trouble.’
‘Too damn right.’
‘So, I take it Marcus didn’t stand up to comparison?’ There’s a wicked glint in her eye as she scours my face. ‘Your naughty night in the yurt did ruin you, after all.’
‘Shit, Bella, it’s not like that. Anyway, it was more of a tipi.’
‘Forget the frigging tent, it’s the principle I’m talking about – once you’ve had Hendrick’s, you wouldn’t want to go back to bog-standard gin.’
‘Well, it doesn’t matter. I won’t be drinking either.’
‘Surely you have to – wasn’t “spectacular” the word you used?’
‘It’s not just Bath, people in Cornwall have one-night stands too.’
‘Really?’ Bella looks genuinely taken aback. ‘But what about those pictures you drew?’
‘He’s very drawable, but he hasn’t space in his life for a relationship, and we both knew that. It’s about much more than me being here, and him there. Cornwall’s crazy. I’ve come back to sanity, my planner and my new beginning.’
‘And that’s it?’
‘So long as Jake will have me.’
As I brush the crumbs off my newly pressed white shirt, the fizz of excitement in my chest at being out in town is turning to a flutter of nerves about work. Now I’m so close to getting back, however worried I am about my reading, I mustn’t panic. So long as I stay cool, I can nail this.
‘Jake loves whatever you do, he always has.’ Bella wrinkles her nose. ‘I can’t see that altering, he’ll ease you back in.’ Her eyes narrow. ‘So long as that’s what you want?’
‘Why wouldn’t I? Leaving all my friends and family here to go and live on the edge of nowhere in St Aidan, spending every waking hour focusing on my recovery – that was all so I could get to this point. I’m minutes away from my last big step, meeting up with Jake today is me closing my circle.’