Everlasting

by Candace Knoebel

  “He told me his father died, but I didn’t know the whole of it. I didn’t realize,” I say, feeling regret for what I had said to him. Though what he said was equally hurtful, it still didn’t sit well with me. Katie always told me to stay clear from the wounded ones, but there’s just something about Jaxen that I know I won’t be able to stay away from, no matter how hard he tries to push me away.

  “I’m sorry for your loss,” I add, my veil of confidence growing thinner by the second.

  He waves the apology away. “It was a long time ago. Jaxen has had a rough time letting people in ever since. You can’t take it personally, and you also can’t worry that he won’t protect you. I know he said what he said, but my brother is one of the most loyal people you’ll ever meet. It’s the Gramm way. We can be loyal to a fault at times.”

  Don’t I know the truth in that? I was loyal to Katie, only to have it blow up in my face. It makes me think of something my mother said to me once about my father. She said that it’s usually the ones who are the most resistant to love who love the deepest and are the most loyal.

  “Does Jaxen know that Jezi’s in love with him?” I ask boldly. I know I’m opening a can of worms and possibly placing him in an awkward position, but it feels easy talking to Gavin. He’s honest. He’s a good listener. He understands people.

  “Yeah.”

  “Does he…does he feel the…”

  He notices my struggle. “The same? No,” he finishes for me.

  “Is it because of the curse?”

  He shakes his head. “At one point, when they first started at the Academy and were paired together, I thought maybe there was a chance, but I should have known better. Of course he’s protective of her, but he’s never let himself close enough to her to give his heart a chance, and honestly, I don’t think they would have worked out had he tried. He’s a martyr. He will die for what he believes is right.”

  “Like not allowing someone else to die for him in the name of love,” I say.

  “Exactly.” He looks off, conflicting thoughts swarming behind his bright blue eyes. “But then again, who am I to say anything?” he says with a shrug.

  “You’re his older brother,” I point out.

  He forces out a sad smirk. “Yeah, and sometimes I wish I could be more like him instead, more closed off.” His eyes darken and glisten with emotion. “At least for Cassie’s sake.”

  “Gavin,…”

  “Ready for weight lifting?” He pushes forth a thin smile. He doesn’t want to talk about it, and I’m not going to push him. It’s hard enough admitting the feelings you have for those you love, let alone admitting they are for selfish reasons.

  “I’ve waited my whole life,” I say with sarcasm.

  He shakes his head, chuckling to himself as we make our way back down the hill toward the gymnasium. At least with weight training, I can zone everything out and just be.

  WHEN GAVIN AND I FINISH lifting weights, my legs and arms are heavy with exhaustion. Gavin slaps me on the back, a move I’m beginning to grow fond of. “Good work. Now go shower. The girls are here.” I look behind us, but don’t see them. He must have heard Cassie telepathically then.

  “See you tomorrow,” I say with a casual wave, walking for the door.

  By the time I make it to the door, he says, “Oh hey, tomorrow we’ll be doing more fight training, so be prepared.” He wiggles his eyebrows, setting a set of 50-pound dumbbells back on the rack.

  “Great,” I say and then walk out, heading for the locker room. Functioning like a normal person is out of the question. Even opening my locker to change hurts, but I manage anyway, keeping my receptors turned off. There’s just too much hurt to feel, mentally and physically.

  After I finish in the shower, I find Cassie and Jezi standing outside of the gymnasium.

  Cassie tosses me a peanut butter sandwich. “We don’t have time for lunch in the dining hall,” she says. I put the sandwich to my lips, my stomach growling, and take a gracious bite.

  “Bull. She’s not allowed to be in the dining hall,” Jezi corrects, casting a hateful glare in my direction. “And nice bruise by the way,” she says, using her finger to circle the air around my eye. “The purple really brings out the blue in your eyes.”

  I forcefully swallow, but don’t find any sudden anger rushing me. Being able to not feel at will has its perks.

  “Jezibelle,” Cassie says sharply.

  “It’s fine,” I say to Cassie. “One of the perks of being a Hunter is my ability to not give a shit. And I don’t, Jezibelle.” I make sure I’m looking dead at Jezi.

  There’s enough attitude on her face to kill someone on the spot. “That won’t last forever,” she says knowingly. “You have to face your screw ups and wrong doings eventually.”

  Cassie’s still glaring at her when she speaks to me. “We’re going back to the Witches Quarters to work with your Grimoire today.” She gives me a sympathetic smile.

  “My Grimoire? It’s back in my room.”

  “No worries,” she says with a casual wave. “Calling it to you is all a part of the lesson.” She pats my back, reminding me of Gavin, and guides me forward toward the Witches Quarters. Jezi stays in front of us, her arms crossed over her chest.

  In the Quarters, an enthusiastic buzz fills the hallway as first and second year novices leave their classes and head for lunch in the dining hall. Without trying, I spot Katie up ahead, walking between Jia and Todd. Her head’s hanging and Todd has his arm over her shoulder.

  I freeze in place. The hurt from our fight is still so prevalent. It rushes forward, turning my emotions back on. I could vomit right here. Or cry. Either is an emotion I don’t want. I try to turn it back off, but my hands are shaking and my thoughts are flooding, and it’s too much to stop all at once.

  It takes me a minute to realize what all the chatter is about. Katie and Chett. They’re talking about her being a traitor and a weakling. A few Witches call out her name as she walks down the hall, making faces, and then turning and laughing with their friends. “Karma left you without your powers. Serves you right!” It’s one of the girls from the locker room; the one who knew about the Gramm curse.

  My heart races, flushing my face. I focus my gaze on the Witches following Katie. They need to pay for running their mouths. They need a dose of their own medicine. I can’t think of anything else but that. Out of nowhere, they fall, their faces smacking against the tile. I almost scream in surprise, and then I realize what I just did.

  Something I wasn’t supposed to do. Something that would surely ruin me this time around.

  Katie and her friends stop and look behind them. The three Witches that had fallen sit up. Blood pours from their noses. “You bitch!” one of them yells at Katie. “You did this! You made us fall! I’m going to report you!”

  “She didn’t do anything, you half-wit!” Todd yells. “She has no powers without Chett here.”

  “She…she must’ve found a way! She hangs with that one freak. I bet that’s how!”

  “She can’t use magic on another novice,” one of the other blonder Witches yells behind the first. I recognize her from the locker room. “You will be expelled for this!”

  “I didn’t do it,” Katie says, shrinking further under Todd’s arm and hiding behind the hair that has fallen in her face.

  “Even if she didn’t do it, I’m still going to say she did. We all are. We don’t need a traitorous, weak Witch here, especially not on our team.” They get off the ground, gathering their things.

  Katie is backtracking, looking panicked. I have to do something. I can’t let her take the fall for this, even if it means giving up my training. I can’t hide behind her.

  My mind turns to stone. “I did it!” I yell out, my fists clenched at my sides. Every eye in the hallway turns in my direction. I walk toward the three girls, furious and flushed. “And I would do it again and again, just to keep you from bullying her.” My voice is not my own. It sounds too filled with ha
te, too bitter to be mine.

  The fear that registers in the three girls’ eyes gives me pleasure; too much pleasure, in fact. When they realize who I am, a mixture of awe and hate and greed passes over their faces. “You’re the freak from the dining hall. The one the Elders tried to pass off as a dormant,” the blonde girl says, moving toward me.

  I stand my ground, unafraid.

  “What are you, by the way? I hear both. I hear you broke the Culling quartz. I hear you’re going to be sentenced to testing in Ethryeal City. I hear…”

  “NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU HEAR!” I scream out. My words alone send her flying backwards. She slams into her friends, and they all fall to the ground.

  Cassie grabs my arm and spins me to face her. “What the hell, Faye.” Danger flashes in her eyes. My heart is no longer my own. It’s a beating animal rattling against my chest.

  The girls pick themselves up. The one I threw backwards looks over at Katie, still clutching her nose. Blood drips between her fingers. “I guess I wouldn’t fight my own battles either if I was as weak as you and had someone like her in my corner.” She shoves past Katie, the other two following her with hateful stares.

  Katie spins back around, glaring at me.

  “Katie, I’m sor…”

  “You just don’t learn, do you?” she says icily, her voice shaking and on the verge of free-falling into a fit of tears. She shoves past me. Todd and Jia offer sympathy in their expression, sympathy that I don’t want, and then follow after her.

  “Ruined another relationship, have you?” Jezi taunts. “Seems to be your talent. Guess you got it wrong, Cass.” She looks pleased at my expense and it burns.

  “Will you shut up already,” Cassie snaps. “Go wait in the classroom for us.”

  “Whatever,” Jezi says with a shrug. She disappears up the stairs.

  “That wasn’t smart,” Cassie says after Jezi disappears. “Mack and Jaxen are in Ethryeal City trying to resolve what happened in the dining hall. Do you think this is going to help your case? Do you think this will help keep the Priesthood from requesting your presence? If they report this, you can count on being booted from this Academy. Mack can only do so much. And Jaxen, well…”

  I glare at her. “Honestly, I don’t care anymore,” I snap, and then head up the stairs.

  SPELL CASTING 101 IS THE door I stand in front of while waiting for Cassie. Her footsteps are behind me, slow because she’s on the phone with Gavin, spilling every detail of what just happened. I tune her out, not wanting a play-by-play of my latest mistake. Even if it was the wrong thing to do, I would do it again if it meant stopping someone from being a bully.

  I sense Jezi on the other side of the door, probably waiting to get more digs in. I can’t say I don’t deserve them. Cassie was right about one thing; if those girls turn me in, then all of this is for nothing.

  I blink. For a moment, I want to be who I was before the Culling; the girl who hid from her problems, the girl who accepted her fate as a Defect and was okay with being a nobody, the girl who didn’t cause trouble.

  But I’m not that girl anymore.

  I open the door and find Jezi’s taunting smile. She starts to open her mouth, but I cut her off before she has the chance to run it.

  “Unless you’re interested in following through with training me, I think you should leave.” My hands are on my hips, digging into my flesh for control.

  Her eyes narrow. “I’m only here because of Jaxen, because he’s my partner, therefore, whatever he’s assigned to, I am too,” she says, the acid in her words burning through my composure. She hops off a desk in the middle of the room and strolls over to me. “Believe me when I say, I’m in no way interested in helping your sorry life.”

  Cassie walks in behind us. “Really?” she says in angered disbelief. She’s by my side in no time. “When is this going to end between you two?”

  “When she backs off Jaxen,” Jezi says, her face inches from mine. She’s slightly taller than I am and uses that fact to glare down at me. I stiffen my shoulders and push back.

  “Consider it already done,” I say. But even having said it out loud, I still don’t feel like I can follow through, like I can give up on him.

  She rolls her eyes. “I can see your aura, Faye, the conflicting emotions, the growing love. You’re lying. You’re not going to back off. You have no intention of it,” Jezi says. Her eyes are so dark now that there’s no hint of color. The hair on my arm begins to rise as the magic in her grows. She’s itching to use it on me.

  Cassie stands between us. “This stops now.” She jerks her head to Jezi. “Because I’m your best friend, I can say this- Jaxen was never really yours. You know that. Holding it against Faye is childish and unlike you. You’re better than that.” She turns to me. “And you, going around this campus without caring about your reputation is not only dumb, but selfish. We’re putting our asses out on the line for you, and you should show a little more appreciation and respect.”

  The guilt that swarms me almost chokes me. I’m being selfish. And childish.

  Jezi huffs. “You don’t know…”

  Cassie spins back around, cutting her off. “Yes I do, Jezi. I know. I know you care for him because I care for Gavin. It’s the same. But unlike you, I also know what it feels like to be loved by a Gramm. You want the truth? It’s not roses and sunshine. I’m going to pay the price, not him. Is that really what you want? Do you want to die?”

  Jezi looks away, tears in her eyes. “I’m not discussing this in front of her.” She walks past us and storms out of the room.

  Cassie heaves a sigh, putting her head in her hands. “This just keeps getting worse. You have to promise you’re going to try to contain your outbursts in this Academy, or I’m walking right now. I know part of you is a Witch, and I know that our emotions get a little out of control at times, but I also know there is a lot at stake here. Including your life.”

  I wince at the reminder. “I’m sorry, Cassie. You’ve shown me nothing but kindness, and I haven’t returned the favor.”

  She looks at me, her eyes raised. “No, you haven’t.”

  “There’s no excuse for it. All I can do is promise to try.” I hold my pinky finger out.

  “What’s that?” she asks, her head jerked back in question.

  “A pinky promise.”

  She laughs. “Uh-no. Witches don’t pinky promise. Here’s your first life lesson.” She reaches in her back pocket and pulls out a small knife. She flicks it open and pulls my pinky finger closer to her. She pricks the end. A dot of blood bubbles up, and I think I might throw up. “Witches make promises in blood, Faye. It’s the only way we can be sure.” She pricks her pinky, and then touches it to mine. “Bound by blood, a promise is made, linked now until death, or your heart shall fade.”

  The blood lights up, and then fades. “What does that mean?”

  “It means you better keep your promise that you’re going to refrain from having emotional outbursts on campus, or you’ll die. No cross my heart crap. Now let’s get to work.”

  I want to ask more questions, starting with why she would bind my life over something so silly, but don’t bother because she dives right into the lesson on my Grimoire.

  “Have you used your Grimoire yet?” I shake my head. “All right, we’ll start with that. You need to connect with it before you can really tap into the Witch side of you. Summon it to you.”

  “How do I do that?”

  “Close your eyes and think about the book. Keep that image in your mind, and then call it to you with these words: From my mind, you must see, bring this object straight to me.”

  I hold the image of my mother’s Grimoire in my head and repeat what she says. Nothing happens at first. I can sense the magic inside of me, spreading to every limb and every fingertip, filling me with warmth.

  “You have to focus all of your intent into the words,” she says, walking around me. I nod and repeat the words, this time feeling something manifesting in
my palms. I keep repeating the words, somehow knowing it’s needed, and then crack an eye open. There the Grimoire sits. My first real spell casted and it was successful. Cassie wears a big, proud grin. “That was quick for a first-timer, especially with a summoning spell. You don’t learn those until your second year here.”

  I run my hands over the cover, feeling grateful and proud. There’s a pull I can’t describe coming from the Grimoire, almost like it’s speaking to me, but not with words. It’s more like a feeling, a sense deep in the center of me. “I think it’s calling to me,” I say, looking away from the book and back up at her.

  “If you haven’t connected with it, then it probably is. Did your mother ever tell you anything about it?”

  I clear my throat. “I don’t think she wanted to rub in the fact that I’d never be able to use it, so no.”

  She tucks her hair behind her ear. “Okay, well, let’s start with the basics. A Grimoire records every spell casted in your bloodline. It’s also a place to store wisdom that should be passed down through the generations. After you connect with it, you can ask anything of it, and it will show it to you. So long as it’s in there, of course. Sometimes, it will show you things you need without even asking. I guess, in a way you can say it’s a living thing, kept alive by the blood you give to it.”

  “Blood?”

  “To connect with your Grimoire, you have to give it your blood. It’s what links you to the magic.” She pulls her dagger out again and hands it to me. “You only need a little blood.” She flips my hand over and traces a line down the center of my palm. “Once you cut, place your palm on the inside of the cover.”

  I take in a breath and slice a thin line across my palm, watching as crimson follows its wake. I flip the cover open and press my palm against it. The book almost vibrates in recognition, filling me with knowledge and secrets. When I pull my hand away, the book lifts up a little into the air, hovering before me. My blood absorbs into the cover and disappears. The pages flip wildly in front of us, and each time, my mind absorbs another spell. When the book is finished, it falls back into my lap and shuts. I gasp for breath. My palm is healed.