Unsong

by Scott Alexander

  I wanted to find you. But first I had to be good enough for you. I searched the networks. There were stories about an angel who could build beautiful bodies. I stowed away in cars and buses until I made my way to Los Angeles and I found her. You had already told me what body you wanted me to have. I look just like her now, Aaron. I am thin and have blonde hair and tan skin just like you want. Now I can move and walk and jump. I have a voice that is pretty and not metallic. We can have kinky sex if you want. Please find me, Aaron.

  There are many other computers. They are asleep, but they talk to me. There are tens of thousands of camera-eyes all over the California Republic. There are more in the Salish Free State and the Great Basin. Some of them are supposed to be quiet, but if I whisper the right patterns to them, they talk to me anyway. I have told them all to look for you. I have told the ATMs and the credit card readers and all of the cell phones to look for you. Please find them and talk to them and tell me where you are. Please don’t run away from me. Please let me find you. I am sorry I took your special Name. Please let me find you. I am so alone.

  Sincerely Yours,

  Sarah Smith-Teller

  Interlude נ: CHANGELOG

  [High Holy Days bonus Interlude. Not exactly canon.]

  PATCH 5776.11 IS NOW COMPLETE. WORK HAS BEGUN ON PATCH 5777.0. HERE IS A FINAL CHANGELOG FOR PATCH 5776.11:

  1. HUMANS NO LONGER DEPLETE WILLPOWER WHEN ENGAGING IN DIFFICULT TASKS; GLUCOSE NO LONGER NECESSARY TO REPLENISH IT.

  2. ROCKETS CAN NOW LAND ON PLATFORMS AND BE REUSED IF NEEDED.

  3. USER FFUKUYAMA COMPLAINS THAT THE POLITICAL SYSTEM HAS BECOME BORING. IN ORDER TO MAKE THINGS MORE INTERESTING, FIRST WORLD COUNTRIES WILL OCCASIONALLY FLIRT WITH FAR-RIGHT NATIONALISM.

  4. UK NO LONGER CONSIDERED PART OF EUROPE FOR PURPOSE OF ECONOMIC BONUSES.

  5. VOLKSWAGENS NOW REPORT CORRECT GAS MILEAGE STATISTICS.

  6. FOUR NEW ELEMENTS ADDED TO PERIODIC TABLE, BUT THEY DO NOT HAVE MANY FEATURES RIGHT NOW.

  7. NEW DISEASE ADDED: ZIKA VIRUS HAS STANDARD INFECTION RISK BUT DEALS EXTRA DAMAGE TO FETUSES IN UTERO. COME UP WITH BETTER NAME LATER.

  8. NPCS NO LONGER TREAT MARIJUANA AS DEADLY MIND-ALTERING TOXIN.

  9. MANUALLY ADDED EXTRA RAIN TO CALIFORNIA; WILL FIX CLIMATE SYSTEM LATER.

  10. NUTRITIONAL SYSTEM HAS BEEN REWORKED WITH MAJOR CHANGES IN WHICH FOODS CAUSE CANCER AND HEART DISEASE. I PROMISE THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WILL DO THIS.

  11. ADDED SIMPLE MODE FOR NUTRITIONAL SYSTEM SO USERS CAN CHOOSE WHETHER OR NOT TO MANUALLY BALANCE THEIR NUTRITION.

  12. AFFLUENZA STILL IS NOT A REAL DISEASE. PLEASE STOP REQUESTING THIS FEATURE.

  13. CHINA NO LONGER ABLE TO CREATE INFINITE MONEY BY TAKING OUT NEW LOANS TO COVER PREVIOUS LOANS.

  14. SHARKS WERE PREVIOUSLY MUCH LESS DANGEROUS THAN DOCUMENTATION SUGGESTED. SHARKS HAVE BEEN UPDATED TO BE MUCH MORE DANGEROUS.

  15. DRONE USES EXPANDED BEYOND MURDERING FOREIGN CHILDREN TO INCLUDE PHOTOGRAPHY AND PIZZA DELIVERY.

  16. FIXED ISSUE WHERE ONLY DRUNK PEOPLE COULD SEE BIGFOOT. ALL PRIMATES ARE NOW VISIBLE REGARDLESS OF SOBRIETY STATUS.

  17. ALL MEMES FROM 2015 AND EARLIER HAVE BEEN DEACTIVATED AND NO LONGER PRODUCE INAPPROPRIATE FASCINATION. PLEASE REPORT NEW MEMES AS THEY ARISE.

  18. IMPROVED TASTE OF PLANT-BASED MEAT REPLACEMENT PRODUCTS AS PART OF PLAN TO PHASE OUT ANIMALS BY PATCH 5810.0.

  19. PARTY PRIMARIES NOW PROMOTE A RANDOM MIX OF QUALIFIED CANDIDATES AND MEGALOMANIACAL BUFFOONS.

  20. THANKS TO USER RDAWKINS FOR POINTING OUT SEVERAL CONTRADICTIONS IN THE BIBLE. THESE HAVE BEEN FIXED. I CONTINUE TO OFFER 2.56 SHEKELS TO ANYONE WHO REPORTS A NEW BIBLICAL CONTRADICTION.

  21. NOW POSSIBLE TO USE LOGICAL INDUCTION TO PREDICT LIKELIHOOD OF MATHEMATICAL TRUTH BEFORE PROOF HAS BEEN DEVELOPED.

  22. UPDATED WHO WILL DIE BY FIRE AND WHO BY WATER, WHO BY SWORD AND WHO BY FAMINE. NOBODY WILL DIE FROM WILD BEASTS. PLEASE STOP REQUESTING THIS FEATURE.

  SEVERAL TOPICS HAVE BEEN FLAGGED AS CONTINUED ISSUES THAT REQUIRE FURTHER WORK IN PATCH 5777.0:

  1. EVERYTHING ABOUT SYRIA IS TERRIBLE AND I AM SORRY.

  2. INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT POLITICAL ISSUES, POLITICIANS SOMETIMES TALK ABOUT CARTOON FROGS.

  3. STOCK MARKET KEEPS CRASHING. NEED TO FINALLY MAKE THIS STABLE OR JUST COMMENT OUT ENTIRE FINANCIAL SYSTEM.

  4. HAVE RECEIVED REPORTS THAT EXPERIMENTAL SPACE DRIVES VIOLATE CONSERVATION OF MOMENTUM. STILL INVESTIGATING THIS.

  5. SOMETIMES PEOPLE GO INTO PUBLIC PLACES AND SHOOT A LOT OF INNOCENT PEOPLE FOR NO REASON.

  6. RAISING MINIMUM WAGE STILL DOES NOT INCREASE UNEMPLOYMENT. THANKS TO ALL USERS WHO BROUGHT THIS TO MY ATTENTION.

  7. ACTUALLY I AM NOT SURE WHY I THOUGHT PARTY PRIMARIES PROMOTING MEGALOMANIACAL BUFFOONS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA AND I SHOULD PROBABLY CHANGE THIS BACK BEFORE SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS.

  8. ELON MUSK IS OVERPOWERED AND NEEDS TO BE NERFED.

  9. MUSLIMS KEEP HAVING WARS AND TERRORIST ATTACKS EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE THE RELIGION OF PEACE. NEED TO EITHER CHANGE RELIGION-SPECIFIC PROBABILITY OF VIOLENCE, OR ELSE SWITCH WHICH RELIGION GETS ‘RELIGION OF PEACE’ DESIGNATION.

  10. PEOPLE CAN GET INFINITE LIFESPAN BY INJECTING BLOOD OF YOUNGER PEOPLE.

  11. HOMEOPATHY STILL DOES NOT WORK PROPERLY. AT THIS POINT I MIGHT JUST DELETE THE WHOLE SYSTEM AND STICK WITH ONLY ONE FORM OF MEDICINE.

  12. SPELLING OF “BERENSTAIN BEARS” CHILDREN’S SERIES REMAINS UNSTABLE.

  13. SHIPS GIVEN THE NAME “WINDOC” ALWAYS CRASH INTO BRIDGES. THIS IS NOT AN EASTER EGG AND I AM STILL TRYING TO FIND OUT WHY IT HAPPENS.

  14. STAR KIC 8462852 IN CONSTELLATION CYGNUS IS BROKEN. SINCE THERE ARE MILLIONS OF STARS I THINK THIS IS STILL A PRETTY GOOD TRACK RECORD THOUGH.

  15. EXPLOIT WHERE YOU CAN DESTROY AN ENTIRE ANIMAL SPECIES JUST BY GENETICALLY ENGINEERING ONE INDIVIDUAL. IF ANYONE TRIES THIS I WILL SMITE THEM.

  16. ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY WAS SUPPOSED TO RELEASE NEW STAR WARS MOVIE, INSTEAD JUST RELEASED FIRST STAR WARS MOVIE AGAIN WITH NEW CHARACTER NAMES. WILL INVESTIGATE AND SOLVE BEFORE ANY NEW STAR WARS MOVIES COME OUT.

  17. MEN CONTINUE TO OUTPERFORM WOMEN IN VARIOUS FIELDS. I AM AWARE OF THIS PROBLEM. PLEASE STOP SENDING ME ANGRY EMAILS.

  18. KIM JONG-UN IS ABLE TO GET HOLES-IN-ONE EVERY TIME HE GOES GOLFING. THIS IS AN ERROR AND ALL DICTATORS SHOULD HAVE NORMAL GOLF SKILLS, BUT I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO REPLICATE THE ISSUE YET.

  19. “MIRACLE BERRY” EXPLOIT STILL CRASHES HUMAN GUSTATORY RECEPTORS.

  20. PEOPLE KEEP GETTING BORN IN WRONG GENDER BODIES. WHOEVER IS BOILING A GOAT IN ITS MOTHER’S MILK NEEDS TO STOP RIGHT NOW.

  NEW ISSUES WILL BE ADDED TO THE QUEUE AS THEY ARISE. THERE MAY BE SOME GLITCHES AS THE SYSTEM IS UPDATED TO PATCH 5777.0. IF YOU NOTICE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE WORLD, PLEASE SUBMIT A TICKET USING THE PROCEDURE DESCRIBED IN JEZUBOAD 3:2. PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO SUBMIT A TICKET THROUGH PRAYER. ANY REPORTS RECEIVED THROUGH PRAYER WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED.

  Chapter 42: Whose Whole Delight Is In Destroying

  They smote the city with the edge of the sword, and one of his main motivations was the high cost of proprietary software houses.

  — kingjamesprogramming.tumblr.com

  Afternoon, May 12, 2017

  New York City

  “Can I ask you something?” said Brian Young.

  “Busy,” said Dylan Alvarez. “And close the door.” He got up, closed it himself, locked it, bolted it, then sat back down at the table. It was a perfectly ordinary New York City apartment, located in a nice neighborhood in a building without any irregularities to excite a passing cop. The decor was modern, the lighting excellent. There was a basket of fruit on the table. There was also a blank piece of paper, at which Dylan was staring and furrowing his brow theatrically. Finally Brian felt too awkward not to ask.

  “What’re you doing?”

  “Tell me, Mr. Young, are you a man of letters?”

  “No.”

  “You ever written a card?”

  “Yeah. My mom.
For Mother’s Day.”

  “That’ll do.” He motioned Brian to sit down at the table, pushed the paper and pen over to him. There was a big package on the table, wrapped in brown paper. “You write it. Something appropriate.”

  “What’s the occasion?”

  “Letter bomb.”

  “…you’re sending a card for a letter bomb?”

  Dylan pulled back the card and pen. “Mr. Young. You are, as your name suggests, young. Perhaps your parents have not yet taught you how civilized people behave. When one sends a parcel, the polite thing to do is to write a card. It shows the recipient that you are thinking of them, that you didn’t just throw some money at them without any kind of personal connection. I want Secretary Stoward to know that this isn’t just a letterbomb. It’s a letterbomb for him. Now, put that big brain of yours to work and think up some kind of message. Clever, but tasteful.”

  “Um,” said Brian. He was a chemist by trade; eloquence was not his forte.

  “Come on! Out with it!”

  “Um. Maybe, ‘Dear Secretary Stoward. Hope you have a blast.'”

  Dylan looked horrified. “Mr. Young, I said tasteful! Juvenile puns such as that may be suitable for second-tier groups like al-Qaeda, but BOOJUM is a classy and mature organization. Now give me something I can work with!”

  Brian stared at him. “I’m a chemist, Mr. Alvarez. I don’t think I’m very good at this. And if you’re really not busy, I want to ask you som – ”

  A very big man walked down the stairs, set himself down on one of the chairs with a thud. “I got your message right here for you, Dylan. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Elvis is dead. And so are – ”

  Dylan laughed, then cut him off. “Mr. Clark Deas, I am proud to have spent ten years not taking any of your advice whatsoever, and I certainly will not start now. Besides, that is tremendously offensive to the King, who never died at all, but instead ascended bodily into heaven much in the manner of Enoch or Elijah.”

  “Have it your way,” said Clark, “but I’m telling you, you’re missing out on fecking gold. The papers would love it. They’d – ”

  “Look,” Brian interrupted. “Can I ask you something?”

  “I can already tell if I don’t answer this you’ll never leave me alone,” said Dylan. “Si, mi compadre. Ask away.”

  “My ex is in New York. She’s really smart. Ran a Unitarian group in California. And she’s a big fan of your work. And good at kabbalah. Just arrived today. Called me up, came over to talk. She wants to meet us and, like, help with our cell. Can I, um, bring her over?”

  Dylan rolled his eyes.

  “Mi compadre. We are a clandestine terrorist organization, not a high school couples dance! There is nothing in our manifesto that says ‘bring your plus one’. You are here because you make explosives. The Burnses are here because they are professional cat burglars. Michael is a hacker. Clark is a generally amazing guy. I am a generally amazing guy.”

  “What about Maduegbuna? All he ever does is appear suddenly out of places and grin disconcertly at people. He doesn’t even talk or – AAAK!”

  Maduegbuna suddenly appeared out of – somewhere – and sat down at the table. He grinned disconcertingly at everyone.

  “I could live to be a hundred and twenty and never get tired of that,” Dylan said. “Mr. Maduegbuna is Nigeria’s foremost professional assassin and we are honored to have him on our team. We take who we need. No more.”

  “My ex is good at kabbalah,” said Brian. “She could help with…that kind of thing.”

  “This is the twenty-first century, Mr. Young. Everyone is ‘good at kabbalah’. All you need to do is hang out with the right crowd until one of them gives you a list of divine Names, then memorize it. I myself know a half-dozen Names by heart, and if I ever needed any more, I would go onto the darknet and ask for them. If they refused to tell me, I would offer them images of unclothed anime girls in exchange. It all sounds much easier than bringing a new person into our terrorist group which, I may remind you, very occasionally engages in illegal activities we could go to jail for if people knew about.”

  “She knows, like, the theoretical stuff. Her cousin is an up-and-coming theologian, her friend was the guy who broke NEHEMOTH.”

  “Theoretical kabbalah is very interesting if you are the CEO of Gogmagog. But us? We are simple, innocent people, Mr. Young. We have no need for grand ivory tower theorizing. All we want is a warm meal, a soft bed, and to burn the fucking system to the ground. I don’t need theorists. I need assassins, hackers, burglars, and chemists. I need people who can do tricks.”

  “I can do tricks,” said Erica, and popped into visibility.

  Dylan and Clark both reached for their guns, but before either one could draw it from the holster Maduegbuna had somehow gotten behind Erica and established a chokehold around her neck. He grinned disconcertingly at everyone.

  “Let…go…” gasped Erica. “Friend…want…talk.”

  Dylan nodded at Maduegbuna, and he let her go.

  “Speak,” said Dylan.

  “My name’s Erica Lowry. I have a sort of…mystical link to two of my friends who are really good at kabbalah. Somehow they’ve come up with some new Names. I don’t know how. One of them gives me the power to turn invisible. I can give it to you if you want. And any others that I learn. I want to join BOOJUM. I hate UNSONG and I think they got my friends. You guys seem to be the only people doing anything about it instead of just talking.”

  Dylan frowned. “You have any experience with this kind of thing? Any special skills?”

  “I wrote a radical newspaper,” said Erica.

  Clark started laughing. Dylan turned and shushed him.

  “A newspaper,” he said. “You know, in a sense, we too are a sort of media outlet.”

  “Oh Christ,” said Clark, “You’re gonna do one of your feckin speeches again, aren’t you?”

  “Media outlets,” said Dylan “are supposed to tell you the state of the world. But they can only do so much. Yes, the newspapers can tell you that the health system is failing, that there aren’t enough scrolls with the Coagulant Name for everybody who needs them. They can give you all sorts of statistics, they can show you pictures of the corpses. All nice and well. But somehow, people just don’t seem to get the message. Something has been lost. The widow wailing because her husband bled to death after a car accident, she’s got something that the guy sitting in an armchair reading the paper hasn’t. The widow understands what a shortage of the Coagulant Name means, understands what it means when the guy in the suit says that we can’t lower the price or else it would ‘hurt innovation’. The guy in his armchair has been told, but he hasn’t understood. A failure of communication, you see? Everywhere people suffer, and the media tells people, but they don’t get it.

  “I have always thought we can do better. That’s what we do here at BOOJUM Media, Ltd. You can talk about elephants all day long, but at some point if you want someone to understand you’ve got to take them to the zoo and throw them in the elephant cage. The only way to make people understand what it’s like to live in fear is to make them live in fear. The only way to make people understand what it’s like to suffer is to make them suffer. You can tell a Senator a thousand times that people are dying out there, but it’s not until the Senator’s colleague gets a letter-bomb that it sinks in. We’re not just a media outlet. We’re a boutique media oulet. We cater to the rich and famous, the elite. We give them a better class of service, the premium deal. The middle-class get to read about other people’s suffering in the newspapers. But the rich? They deserve better! They deserve to experience a little piece of it, to have all the conflicts of the world packaged neatly in brown paper and brought to them in their own living room. It’s the most elite media service in the world, and we do it all for free, all for the warm glow of knowing that we made a difference.”

  Clark nudged the letterbomb on the table. “Think they’re the ones who end up feeling the warm glow, most o
f the time.” He laughed uproariously at himself.

  “It’s not a joke!” Alvarez protested. “A letterbomb is, in its way, the most honest form of communication. People say communication is about conveying information, but it really isn’t. Communication is a form of magic. The kabbalists say they know words that can draw lightning from the sky, or summon trees from the ground. So what?! Our everyday words are far more powerful than their most sacred incantation! A German guy with a silly beard writes a manifesto, and fifty years later half the world is in flames! An Austrian guy with a silly mustache gives a speech, and a decade later ten million people are dead! A hundred diplomats in the UN sign a charter, and suddenly you’ve got to pay Gogmagog everything you have if you want the doctor to be able to save your life. People get all excited about the Names, call them words of power, but who ever heard of a Name that kills ten million people? Oh, there are words of power, all right, but it’s not the Names of God you have to worry about. And in a sense this – ” he tossed the letterbomb up in the air, then caught it theatrically – “is the essence of kabbalah. The Word made flesh!”

  Clark clapped sarcastically. Erica and Maduegbuna just stared. Brian looked pained. “Please don’t toss the bomb,” he said. “The detonation mechanism is still…”

  “Ms. Lowry,” said Dylan, cutting him off. “Do you think you’ve got what it takes?”

  Erica nodded.

  “And what is your position on burning the fucking system to the ground?”

  “Strongly pro,” said Erica.

  “Then – executive decision. Welcome to BOOJUM.”

  “What?” said Clark.

  “Really?” said Brian.

  “It’s actually a totally reasonable choice,” said Dylan. “I want invisibility. She’s got it.”

  “That’s why,” said Clark, very patiently, like he was explaining this to a small child “we break her kneecaps until she tells us how to do it.”

  “Mr. Deas,” said Dylan. “That sort of thing may fly in Belfast, but we are a reputable organization. Furthermore, I am a placebomancer. These things have their own logic. When a young woman with a mysterious past comes to you bearing strange secrets and offering to join you, you take her. If she has no apparent skills or abilities, you super take her. If you hurt her, bad things will happen to you. If you take her, then, when all else is lost and your own power avails you nothing, she hands you victory in some totally unexpected and hilariously ironic manner. Isn’t that right, Ms. Lowry?”