Follow Me Through Darkness

by Danielle Ellison

  I pause to take a breath. Ever since I found out my father isn’t himself because of the Elders, all of his actions make more sense. I still hate it all, but he’s not doing it on his own. Why would they do that to him? What do they want with him?

  “According to what I found, the Elders are going to transfer some families to a brand-new Compound and give them a different branding. They’re calling it the Ultimate Compliance, and makes everyone obey everything.”

  Thorne shakes his head. “The Elders wouldn’t do that.”

  I sigh. I don’t have any way to prove it to him. “They would and they are. I’ve read about it. It will wipe out everyone like that.” I snap.

  “So you came out here to stop them and save everyone?” He stares at me like I’m an idiot.

  I try to keep my emotions in check so I don’t spill any of my feelings to him. I don’t want him to feel my true anxieties. “Yes.”

  He pauses. “You aren’t telling me something.”

  “Your family was on the list. I couldn’t lose you,” I add.

  His eyes snap to me. “My family?”

  “Yes, and you. Staying there meant losing you.” I couldn’t handle that. Losing him forever is too much to even think about.

  Finally he shakes his head and takes my hand. “You could have told me that, Neely. I would’ve helped you.”

  “I didn’t want you involved,” I say honestly.

  “It’s my family,” he says. His family. His.

  “It’s mine, too.” The tension flows between us, and a breath hitches in my chest. He’s not as angry, but the spinning confusion courses through me. “We should go.”

  “Why you?” The question takes me by surprise. His gaze on me is so intense that I want to look away. It’s so hurt and worried, and I don’t want to see it.

  “What?” My voice is barely a whisper.

  “Come on, Neely,” Thorne says. He pauses and inhales. His hands squeeze into tight fists at his side. “If there’s this whole method of communication like Cecily mentioned, why do you have to go? Why not just send a message? Why did Xenith send you out here?”

  I have to look away again. My head is spinning with Xenith and Thorne, with truth and lies, with deals and death and freedom. Thorne reaches out to me through the connection, but I block him out. He shakes his head and stares off into the distance. As soon as he looks away, I change my mind and try to reach out for him, but he’s blocked me out too.

  “This all started with me,” I offer to the silence. “My father told me he was the one in control of everything, and I kept pushing him. I kept disobeying the rules, intentionally-the forbidden books, going out to the barrier, breaking curfew. I wasn’t even hiding it, Thorne. I kept going to you after he told me not to see you. Then the Elders did whatever they did to him because of me. He hurt you because of me and found out about our connection. Someone has to make it right-that’s on me, too.”

  “And Xenith has pure motives?”

  “Yes,” I say.

  “But why you, Neely?”

  “They have a plan for me, too. I’d never get to live in the South as a teacher. I was set to be the next director, and I didn’t want that. Especially not after I learned everything. I had to get out, to stop them. It is the only way to live freely.”

  Thorne is silent.

  “Xenith said the best way to do it was to search for answers. So that’s what I’m doing. If I can stop this, if I can do something to save everyone at home, then I will do anything in my power to stop it.”

  I want to tell him the rest. That I need to know if our love is real. That I’m on this mission in order to stop the Elders, to find the truth, to fight for my own life, and to free myself from being a puppet to the Elders.

  “This seems like a bad idea.”

  I cross my arms. “You don’t have to be here. I didn’t want you here anyway.” This is all to protect him, and if he’s here, then I can’t do that.

  Thorne’s eyes are closed. His jaw is tight, and his hands are shoved into his pockets. I kick the ground with my foot in silence and look up at him. The boy I love. The boy I grew up with. The only one who knows me.

  “Haven’t you ever asked yourself why Xenith cares so much? Or what he gets out of this?”

  I look up at the sky and watch the sun move to a different spot. Watch the world move around it. I can’t look at him or he’ll know just how dangerous that answer is. I don’t want to see his face when he learns the truth about Xenith. Maybe he’ll never have to. Maybe I can keep pretending I haven’t asked that question a hundred times.

  I pick my bag up off the ground and toss it over my shoulder. “We should go.”

  Thorne steps in front of me, and I’m forced to look at him. “Why do I feel like you’re hiding something?”

  I watch him, uncertain where I should move, but the way he looks at me tells me this is a chance to come clean. I’m trying to protect him. I don’t want him to be in danger or to worry, and after all we’ve been through, I need him to trust me in this.

  With a sigh, Thorne yanks his bag off the ground and walks on in silence without looking at me.

  1DAY BEFORE ESCAPE

  XENITH IS LOOKING AT ME. I’ve been trying to ignore his eyes for the last twenty minutes, but they almost look through me.

  “Come eat,” he says to me again, but I shake my head. I leave the Compound tomorrow, and life is less scary behind these pages.

  I glance over toward his kitchen from the top of the book I’m reading. “I don’t want to.”

  “I’m not giving you an option,” he says back.

  We stare at each other, and a familiar smell lingers in the air around us. It’s hard to tell when I’ll get to eat a real meal again. We’ve loaded some food in my pack, but none of it is very filling. Xenith sets a plate in front of me. It’s the version of mac and cheese that Sara’s made since I was a child.

  “Xenith,” I say. “This is my favorite.”

  He smiles at me. “I know. I found the recipe in my mom’s stack. It may not be as good as Sara’s, but-”

  I find his hand. “Thank you.” We both freeze until I pull my hand away.

  I put To Kill a Mockingbird on the table next to us and silently take a bite. It’s just as good as Sara makes it. He doesn’t take a bite until I’ve taken three. He doesn’t sit, just leans against the tall table with his plate in his hands.

  “That’s one of my favorites.” He points toward the book. “That line where he talks about courage.” I lower my fork and study Xenith’s face, the way his eyes close into slits when he’s thinking. “How courage is more than a man with a gun, and instead it’s trying something you know you’ll fail at before you ever start but doing it anyway.”

  “That’s nice,” I say.

  “Nice?” He moves his hand from mine and crosses to my side of the table. “It’s terrifying.”

  I shake my head, confused. I start to take another bite, but he’s looking at me like I’m crazy, so I don’t.

  “Courage is terrifying, facing something that can ruin you. It’s…” He stiffens next to me. “It reminds me of you, of tomorrow.” Xenith moves his plate off the table and takes a bite, then moves to the couch and sits facing me.

  I keep my gaze locked on his eyes. “Why are you telling me this?

  “As soon as you stepped into my quarters to ask me for help, when you started snooping, all the odds piled against you. You don’t know what you’re facing, and you’re still going. That’s courage, and it’s impressive. You aren’t like anyone I’ve ever met.”

  Is that courage? Stupidity maybe. Only stupid people would challenge the Elders. If they find out I’m not dead, I’ll have openly declared a war. I know it’s stupid-and that I’m only slightly aware of what they’re capable of. I leave the table and stand in front of him.

  “Maybe it’s surrender.”

  He looks at me while he chews. “Nah. It’s courage,” he says. He abandons his plate on the side table,
and I fall into the chair beside him.

  “If you’d surrendered, you’d still be up there staring out at the ocean and listening to every story they told you. But you’re not. You’re here. Soon, you’ll be out there.” Xenith jumps off the couch and motions around the room. “That’s only a place for the courageous or the stupid.” He pauses. “And you’re not one of the stupid. I wouldn’t let the stupid go out there. Stupid wouldn’t survive two days.”

  I need some water. My mouth is dry, and my heart is racing. He’s looking at me like he shouldn’t, and I’m feeling something that I shouldn’t. I ignore it, push it away, pretend I don’t feel anything.

  “It’s all on me, so I hope you’re right.”

  Xenith sighs, and his blue eyes search my face. “You can do it. You’re not alone in this.”

  I look away and shake my head. “You said it was mine to carry.”

  He’s beside me in an instant, kneeling so he’s even with the chair. He puts a hand on my chin and pulls my face to his so I can’t look anywhere else. “That’s true. It is up to you, but you’re only the main part. There are other people doing this with you. You’ve never been alone.”

  A tingle runs up my spine right to where he’s holding my chin. His eyes are searching mine for something. I know what they seek, but I’m not going to let him see it. I don’t want him to see it. It’s easier to hide the things I shouldn’t feel or want. These things only confuse me. I smile and look away. His hand falls down.

  What do I say? What do I say? I should say something. I can’t think.

  “Thanks,” I say. We both pause for a moment, a breath. I will not kiss him, even though the memory from days ago plays in my head. I clear my throat. “I think I’m going to turn in.”

  He nods and straightens up. “Night, Neely.”

  I stand and move away from him. The whole time I’m hoping my legs don’t give out on me. Xenith’s not usually so encouraging, and these brief glimpses into what’s underneath are overwhelming. I’m almost to the bedroom door when I turn to him. “If I were crazy, I’d say you wanted me to succeed.”

  His eyes are mingled with sadness and surprise and something else. Something I don’t want to see there. He shrugs. “I do want that. Most days.”

  “And the other days?”

  He runs a hand through his hair. It reminds me so much of Thorne that I tremble at the movement.

  “The other days I’m very selfish.”

  The words hang between us. I can feel them there even after the door closes.

  DEADLINE: 24D, 18H, 55M

  10 MILES OUTSIDE EL PASO, TEXAS

  XENITH’S DEEP GAZE, sneaky grin, and soft words of courage float through my mind, distracting me just as they have been the last few days. I try to shake the thought of him but I can’t. I blame this place. From the last stop to here, there’s been practically nothing to look at. Only sky, barren trees, and crumbling concrete, and none of them are entertaining. The trek through the desert has been the longest five days of my life.

  Thorne hasn’t said much, but sometimes I feel the pins and needles of his anxiety, mixed with pulses of excitement and piercing frustration as they seep through the connection. I can’t tell if he’s angry at me or at this place or Xenith. Maybe all of them. I don’t know how to console him, especially when I can’t make sense of this, either. I don’t want to feel my own uncertainty, let alone his.

  The sudden changes remind me how quiet everything is. How the birds don’t make much noise, even as the sun lightens the eastern sky. The world is still, allowing memories to come back. All the things I’ve done to get here, all the things that were done to me, all the things I run from.

  “We should stop,” Thorne says. “Find some more water and rest.”

  I shake my head. “We’re almost to the camp, and then we can stop. The Remnants will help us. Cecily said they’d know we’re coming.”

  I hope.

  Thorne shakes his head as we walk. “But we haven’t stopped since sunset.”

  “That’s because someone overslept at midday,” I snap. We’ve stopped enough already, and we have to make it. I don’t care about sleeping or resting, just getting there. It’s not really his fault, as he doesn’t know, but there’s no one else I can blame right now.

  He glares at me, and I know it was childish to take that jab at him. I know he’s worried about me. “Yeah, I did. And when’s the last time you overslept? Or slept at all?”

  “I’m fine,” I say, waving him away. “We’re almost to El Paso. It’s only a few more hours, and then we can rest.”

  I pick up my pace and move away from him. I don’t want to look at him right now and be reminded of all the things between us. As much as I want to fix things, it’s easier to let him hate me because at least then he’s not worrying. His hand squeezes my arm, and he jerks me back to him. We stare at each other, neither one of us moving, and I barely breathe. The pull of our connection rushes through me, and my heart pounds, torn between wanting to taste him and wanting to run away from him, from the possibility of us. The possibility that I don’t want to admit to him. I can feel his annoyance, see it in his tensed jaw. His hands are sweaty on my arm, and only an inch rests between us, between our lips. An inch that could easily be closed if either of us moved in. I want him to kiss me. I want to feel that connection again, have us be the way we were before.

  “Neely…”

  His fingers trail up my arm, and chills move with them. I inhale and silently count up from one. His warm breath is on my chin, and I close my eyes, ready, aching for him and the fire of our connection when we kiss. But all the things I left behind flash before my eyes-all the reasons, the faces of the people who died, and the plans that have changed everything forever.

  A flash of heat rushes through me, and I’m suddenly angry with Xenith. How could he risk this? He broke our deal by sending Thorne, and I was a fool for believing him. I open my eyes and pull away, jumping backward a few steps. I hate him being here. If he dies, all of this is meaningless.

  “Neely,” Thorne says in a whisper.

  I shake my head. The air is tense around us, as if the wind is holding its breath, too. Waiting to see what I do. Thorne looks at me, his eyes unsure and hard. He teeters, his weight on his toes. His eyes rest on me, and after a couple seconds, he shoves his hands into his pockets.

  “We need to keep going,” I say quickly.

  In the stillness, we only look at each other. I don’t like the way he studies me, like he’s trying to figure out who I really am. Like I’m some kind of new species he’s never seen before.

  He’s the one who starts walking first, his pace a little faster than normal.

  DEADLINE: 24D, 17H, 33M

  2 MILES OUTSIDE EL PASO, TEXAS

  “DOES IT RAIN IN THE DESERT?” Thorne asks softly. The sky is gray with clouds, and the wind picks up enough to tell us something is coming. He walks past me. “We should find shelter.”

  Our pace escalates with the wind, and the sand scatters sideways across broken asphalt as it blows. The long stretch of road and sparse grass does nothing to ease our shared anxiety. A streak of lightning flashes across the sky. I look up as we walk and count the seconds until the crackle of thunder echoes in the distance, the same way I did when I was a child.

  A bird dashes across the sky and lands on a rock near us. It’s a raven, with long feathers so black that they have a dark, almost purple tint. It watches us with beady yellow eyes like it can’t decide if we’re friend or food. Chills run down my arms. Images from a book on Raven’s Flesh flash in my mind as the thunder comes again, crashing in the distance. We only saw a few pictures in the Compound, but they were enough to make an impression. People with darkened eyes, black veins covering their bodies, faces drooping and peeling away like dead skin. Sometimes it was bloody; other times it was murky. Every time, it was horrifying.

  Twelve seconds.

  The black bird jumps and flies toward the mountains in the distance
. My hair whips into my face, obstructing my view. The bird cries out, as if it’s talking and waiting for someone to answer, but there is no one. I bet that was how the people in the Old World felt-alone and scared and calling out with no answer.

  “We need to find a place before the rain comes,” Thorne says. His voice is calm but dissonant in the noise of the wind around us.

  “There’s supposed to be some kind of border into the city.” A single drop of rain hits my forehead.

  “What is that?” he asks. In the distance, the top of something dark and solid sticks up over us in the sky. I can’t see the whole thing, but it vaguely reminds me of home and of the walls that kept us inside the Compound.

  “A barrier, I think.”

  The force of the wind pushing against us makes walking feel more like running on a wet beach. The bird calls out again. It flies beyond my sight, and I strain my head to see. I make out large wings before it disappears completely. The sky flashes again, brighter than it has all afternoon. Almost as if the sun had returned.

  The water pours after that. No other warnings, just pelting down on us from the sky. Apparently, it can rain in the desert. Chill bumps form over my skin, and within seconds, my hair and my clothes are matted to my face as we run through puddles of water.

  13 DAYS BEFORE ESCAPE

  I RUN THROUGH A PUDDLE and take notice of the dark color in the sky. It’s not raining right now, but it will again.

  It’s the perfect day to die.

  Part of me wants to tell Xenith that I’ve changed my mind, but I know I can’t run from my fate and I can’t hide from death. Not when I’m putting myself right in its path.

  I move toward the docks, and my breath fogs up the air. The sun hasn’t cracked the sky yet, but there’s an orange tint to the sky that says it’s ready. The fisherboats are off in the distance, and Thorne’s out there with them. They’ve only begun their day. The whole Compound will be waking up soon, ready to start something new, and my day is almost over. Only hours left.