by CM Wondrak
“All I told her was I’m going over your house tonight,” I said, leaning my shoulder on my locker. “I didn’t tell her about the party, obviously.”
Aubree nodded. “Smart.” She practically bounced up and down. “God, I can’t wait. It feels like I’ve been bugging you to get out of that house forever, and when I finally get you free, it’s Kyle’s party we’re going to. I just…” She shook her head, her smile infectious. “I’m just so freaking excited, you have no idea.”
Oh, I think I had some idea, given how she couldn’t stand still or stop grinning from ear to ear. Aubree was acting like she’d gotten asked out by Kyle himself, as if all of her teenage dreams had come true.
The truth was, I felt so far removed from her and her typical teenage struggles that I often forgot I was still a teenager myself. Deep down, I felt so much older than that.
I forced out a smile. “Can’t wait.”
In reality, I totally could. I could wait an eternity and never feel the urge to go to a party on a Friday night. What would I rather do? Literally anything.
Kyle stopped me just outside the door, before our language arts class. He’d caught me by my arm, just a light touch, and I let myself get pulled to the side, away from the door. Aubree had already walked in; a girl named Gabrielle had pushed between us and separated us. Usually, I liked being the invisible one, but for whatever reason, I was not invisible to Kyle.
It was annoying, because I was not the person he should be laying his so-called charms on.
“You coming tonight?” Kyle asked, giving me a smile that was so overly-done I felt like cringing under it.
“Uh,” I paused, wondering why he thought I’d accept his invitation over a text and then not go to the party. “Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I planned on it, unless you changed your mind and don’t want me there.” That, I knew, was always a distinct possibility. I was the girl everyone knew but no one knew. The invisible girl, a conundrum, the quiet girl in class. Surely I would be anything but the life of the party.
“No way,” he said. “I want you to come. It’ll be fun.” The look I gave him right then must’ve told him I did not think it would be fun at all, for he quickly added, “We’ll make it fun. Promise.” And then he winked, like he was caught in some cheesy high school movie and I was his loser of a love interest.
Don’t get me wrong, those movies were fine, as long as you knew what to expect going into them. Nothing of real substance, a lot of fluff. This? This thing, whatever it was, he was trying to instigate? There was nothing. Absolutely nothing between us, and there never would be.
He and I walked into the classroom, sitting in our assigned seats. Aubree had her head turned, watching him and I enter together. She quickly bent her head down and pulled out her phone, texting me about it.
What was that about? Did he say anything about me?
I did my best not to roll my eyes at her, quickly typing out, No. About the project. Then the bell rang and we had to put our phones away, lest Mrs. Johnson decided to take them from us.
So what if I lied? The way Kyle was acting, it was like he wanted me and me alone at the party tonight, which was just weird. I had no interest in him, none at all, and the last thing I wanted was for Aubree to think I was trying to steal her crush or something. That was drama I did not need to add to my life.
When language arts was over, I pulled out my phone and texted Kayla, reminding her that I was going over Aubree’s house and that she didn’t need to pick me up after school. My aunt replied back a single letter: K. Everyone knew a text like that meant the sender was not the happiest around, but there wasn’t anything I could do to change it. I was going to that dumb party with Aubree, whether my aunt wanted me to or not.
Of course, she didn’t know that part. All she knew was I wouldn’t be home tonight. Lying, and by extension keeping certain things to myself, had become easy for me. I couldn’t say when, couldn’t say why, but I felt no guilt whatsoever about any of it.
And if I got caught, somehow? If I went home late tonight and found Kayla waiting for me in the darkness, somehow knowing I’d gone to a party where, let’s be honest, there would probably be some underage drinking and drug use, well… I still wouldn’t care.
The end of the school day came soon enough, and it was one of those rare weekends I didn’t have much homework. Math, but that was it, ignoring the project I had to do with Kyle—but I was going to pretend for a while that project didn’t exist, either. Math was one of those fun subjects where you had a chapter’s worth of homework every single day, unless it was a test day, and it got old.
Everything got old, really. I had no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, but I knew one thing for sure: I was ready for high school to be over, to no longer have to see these happy, bright-eyed, optimistic people and move on with my life.
Since I was done at my locker pretty quickly, I texted Aubree that I’d be waiting for her outside. I pushed away from the row of lockers and into the crowd barreling down the hall toward the main front entrance of the school. I stepped outside, the sky above hidden by a thin layer of grey clouds. The weather was a bit chilly today, but as it blew, it didn’t bother me. I found a nice spot off to the side and waited.
I did something I didn’t normally do: I scanned the area. I looked at the other Banner High students, listened to their laughter and eavesdropped on the groups near me, what they were saying. They all seemed so carefree, so happy to be alive. Did I feel like that? Was I thrilled to be alive and breathing, unlike my parents?
I… I didn’t know.
Now, I wouldn’t say I had a death wish, but all my life, it was like I’d been carrying this invisible weight on my shoulders, lugging around these dark thoughts. I viewed myself as different from everyone else, but I didn’t know if that was a good thing. It probably wasn’t. It must be nice to not have a care in the world.
Five minutes later, Aubree came bouncing out of the school, acting as giddy as I’d ever seen her. The wind blew at her dark, curly hair, but she didn’t seem to mind. “Ready?” she asked, and when I nodded, we started the walk from the high school to her house.
Aubree lived a mile away. It wasn’t too long of a walk, and the two streets we had to take had sidewalks, so it wasn’t like we were cutting through people’s yards or walking on the side of the road.
As we walked, Aubree eyed me up. “Did you bring something to change into?”
I shook my head. We were the only ones on the sidewalk, save for a guy across the street, wearing a baseball cap. Neither of us paid much attention to him as we walked.
She was shocked. No, more than that, she was mortified. “What? Seriously? Tenley, you can’t go to a party wearing that.” Aubree eyed me up and down as if I wore the ugliest clothes she’d ever seen.
Glancing down at my outfit, I didn’t know what was wrong with it. Dark skinny jeans, tucked into ankle-high black boots. A plain black t-shirt that hung past my collarbone but not low enough to show off cleavage. A very laid-back outfit. It wasn’t like I was trying to impress anyone at this party; Aubree was.
I decided to ask, “What would you know about it?” It was a jibe at her, at how many high school parties Aubree hadn’t been to. Oh, sure, she’d slipped into some by herself, but she’d never been outright invited. Hell, tonight she hadn’t been invited; I’d asked Kyle if I could bring her.
Aubree, regardless of what she thought, was not the know-it-all about parties she pretended she was.
She laughed, not taking my mocking seriously. “More than you, apparently. Don’t worry. I’m sure I have something that’ll look good on you.”
I seriously doubted that, since Aubree was about twenty pounds heavier than me, along with being a few inches taller. I was rail-thin everywhere but my chest. Probably because I didn’t eat much. Eating was just so hard sometimes, when I didn’t care about things.
Such as, you know, nourishing my body, fueling it to keep it going.
Aubree’s h
ouse was a nice, two-story home, the kind that was in a development that was built at the turn of the century. Everything still looked new; there were no mature trees anywhere to be seen, the natural forest of the area having been chopped down so they could build up the area with white picket fences.
We headed up the driveway, and Aubree flipped open the pad on the side of the garage, inputting the code and opening the door. Her parents weren’t home yet, so the garage was empty. We walked inside, and Aubree hit the button near the door to shut it.
“Want anything to drink?” she asked, heading into the kitchen.
“No, I’m good, thanks.”
Once she got a water bottle out of the fridge, we headed upstairs, to her room.
Aubree’s room was a throwback, that’s for sure. I didn’t know her before her fall from grace—AKA when she cut her wrists a little too deeply—but her room was something else. Grey walls that were a little too dark. Sheets on her bed that were black. The pictures hanging on the wall were interesting, to say the least. It was like you were in the mall, in a brightly-lit space, and then you took a sharp turn and wound up in Hot Topic.
There wasn’t anything wrong with Hot Topic. I was just surprised that Aubree’s parents hadn’t tried to paint her room or bring in some color, after what happened.
“My dad won’t be home until after we leave, but my mom will be home in two hours. She already knows we’re going tonight,” Aubree said, dropping her backpack and tossing the water bottle onto her bed. She took off her thin jacket and threw it onto her bag on the floor before going for the bottle and taking a sip. “She’s excited you and I are getting out.” She rolled her eyes, as if her mom was the weirdest person alive for wanting her daughter to go out and have fun.
Wasn’t that what parents should want? I didn’t know. I only had Kayla, and she was not exactly a great parental figure.
“My mom is so lame. I apologize in advance for her,” Aubree spoke of her mom as if she was the worst person ever, something to be embarrassed of. I didn’t get it. Maybe, if I had parents who actually cared about me, I wouldn’t feel so messed up inside.
“Don’t worry about it,” I said, feeling uneasy in her room. It was, believe it or not, the first time I’d been in it. “Your house is nice.” My compliment felt weird, right after I said it, and I didn’t know why I tried. Being normal, making small talk… it wasn’t something I was good at.
Aubree must’ve sensed my awkwardness, for she set down her water bottle, giving me a smile. “Thanks.” She walked over to her closet, pulling open the bi-fold doors to reveal a mountain of clothes. On the floor, on the hangers; the entire closet was full, no joke.
And, big shocker here, most of the clothes were of the darker variety. No yellows or oranges to be seen.
That was more than fine with me, since I wasn’t a fan of those colors, either.
“Now, let me choose my outfit, and then we can get to work on you,” she said, bending to dig into the mountain of clothes on her closet floor.
I let her be, moving to sit on the edge of her bed. She had no desk, no other chairs in here; it was the only place to sit, unless I wanted to pop a squat on her carpet… which didn’t look too clean, so I’d rather sit on the bed.
Arguing with her about my outfit would probably be a wasted effort, I knew. Once she had her outfit ready to go, I doubted I’d put up a fight. It would be easier to just let Aubree dress me, as if both she and I had someone to impress. I sure as hell didn’t, but if letting her dress me like a doll would put her at ease, I guess I’d swallow my pride and let her.
It wasn’t like I was going to this party with her in the hopes of hooking up with anyone. I didn’t plan on drinking or doing any of that. I was literally only going for Aubree, and I hoped this meant that she would bug me a little less about going out and doing stuff with her.
In the end, Aubree chose a long-sleeved black sweater that clung to her body and showed off her curves. She didn’t have many, but she had a bit more than me. She coupled it with jeans with holes in the upper thighs—something we weren’t allowed to wear at school, because, for whatever reason, any part of the leg (kind of like shoulders) was too distracting to the opposite sex. Go figure. Knees we could get away with, but thighs? That was asking too much.
She laid her outfit on her bed beside me, standing before me as she eyed me up. “Now, you…”
I thought about telling her to forget it, to leave my outfit alone, but I kept quiet. It would be a useless thing to fight.
Saying nothing, I watched as Aubree returned to her closet, going through her stuff and making noises every so often, as if she could not find anything that would suit me. Hanger after hanger; she even bent down again and dug through the clothes on the floor. After what felt like forever, she stood up, holding some black garment in her hand.
And when she turned to face me, to show me what she’d found, I could not shake my head enough.
“No,” I said, firm. “I’m not wearing that.”
“Come on,” Aubree spoke with a sly smile. “You’ll fit it, and you’ll rock it.”
What she held onto was a dress. A strapless black dress that was plain—meaning, no sequins or glitter or fake studded diamonds—but still, I found it far too little to wear to a party. Compared to Aubree’s chosen outfit, I’d show a hell of a lot more skin.
“I’d wear it, but…” Aubree stopped herself, losing her carefree demeanor a bit. “I wore it once, to homecoming freshman year, before I…”
I was not good with comfort, so I said, “You have to have something else in there.”
She set the dress beside her outfit on the bed, a few feet away from me. “No, this is the one, but don’t worry, it isn’t like you’ll be flashing leg to everyone. I have fishnets you can wear with them.”
Ooh, fishnets. My most favorite thing in the world.
Kayla would literally die if she saw me in the outfit Aubree wanted me to wear. A dress that ended above the knee, no straps to be seen, and fishnets. Yeah, my aunt would keel over with an aneurysm immediately.
As Aubree went to her dresser and started digging in a drawer for those fishnets, I thought of the call I’d gotten a few days ago, the man’s voice. It seemed more and more often, he popped into my head. Would a good girl wear this outfit? Probably not.
Was it wrong to want to wear the outfit because of that? I was the invisible girl, the girl no one paid much attention to. It wasn’t like I would be the star of the party, anyway. Acting out, going against what that man had asked me… it felt wrong, but I couldn’t lie—it was also kind of exciting.
Aubree found her fishnets, fishnets that would become mine for the night, and she came over to the bed, laying them atop the dress. “Now, time for accessories—” Whatever else she was going to say was interrupted by the sound of heels clicking down the hallway.
A new face popped in her room, a face that looked much like Aubree’s, only older, more wizened. Her mom, Mrs. Laurence. Judging by her clothes, she worked somewhere fancy. I knew Aubree had told me where before, but I didn’t remember. I tuned Aubree out more often than I’d like to admit.
“You must be Tenley,” Mrs. Laurence spoke with a small smile. “It’s good to meet you, dear.”
I only responded with my own smile, wishing she would go away.
She looked at Aubree, saying, “You need to be more careful, honey. You left the garage open.”
“What? No, I didn’t. I closed it.” Aubree was vehement, and that’s because she did close it. I mean, she’d hit the button right before we’d entered the house, but I supposed it was possible a leaf blew over the sensor or something and stopped it from fully closing.
Mrs. Laurence’s eyebrows came together. She was a dark-haired woman, much like her daughter, though her curls had been straightened. “Huh. I hope it’s not starting to go. We just had it installed last year.” She spotted the clothes laying on the bed. “Are you girls going to want dinner before you go, or will you get
something while you’re out?”
Aubree looked like she wanted to push her mom out of her room and lock the door, but she held back, saying, “We’re fine, Mom. We’ll get something later.”
“All right,” she said. “If you change your mind, just let me know. I’ll let you girls get back to it.” With a smile, she disappeared, closing the door behind her and leaving us in silence, nothing but the sound of her heels clicking down the hallway, disappearing as she, I assumed, went into her bedroom.
Aubree made a noise, an annoyed sound, as if her mom was the most irritating person ever. I saw nothing wrong with her mom; she seemed nice, not as much of a helicopter parent as Kayla tried to be—and, if anything, Mrs. Laurence had more of a reason to hover around Aubree, much more so than Kayla had for me. I never tried to hurt myself, and yet doing anything out of the house was like pulling teeth with my aunt.
As Aubree went through her jewelry, picking out necklaces and rings and whatever else she thought our outfits needed, I stayed quiet, not caring to have input in this. I would let Aubree dress me up, and hopefully the night would be over quickly. With any luck, she would either talk to Kyle or maybe even hook up with him. That’s all she wanted, really.
Or, hey, maybe she’ll realize how boring Kyle Sturgis really was and stop crushing on him. One could hope.
The afternoon wore on, the day turning into an early twilight. It started getting dark around seven, and by that time, Aubree had finished her makeup and hair and had moved onto me. We’d changed into our new outfits beforehand, because apparently it was stupid to do your makeup and hair before getting dressed.
I had no idea about any of this, since I’d never done anything like this before, so I was following her lead. That, and I didn’t care enough to take the lead myself.
She applied more makeup to my face than I’d ever had on it before. On a normal day, I didn’t wear any. The only time I ever put makeup on my face was… well, I couldn’t even remember a time or a reason. Maybe never. I didn’t own any, that much I knew, and since Kayla kept a tight leash on me, I never saw much of a point in it.