by CM Wondrak
And then it hit me. Oh, it hit me hard. It was a miracle I didn’t fall onto my ass with how hard it hit me.
I wanted nothing to do with Kyle or this project; I’d prepared on doing it all myself anyway. However, that didn’t mean I couldn’t use him a bit. To anyone else who would see, we would just be two Banner High students working on a project together. Aubree would be insanely envious, but I’d have to shrug her off.
A necessary evil, you see, because right then I came up with a plan—a plan to use Kyle to my advantage, get the man to step up his game. I was dying every day inside, dying to see him, to know him… and if it took using a pretty boy jock to get the stranger to come to me, then so be it.
“I guess you could come over this week,” I said. “My aunt doesn’t want anyone over while she’s at work, but you could come over after she gets home.” Awkward didn’t adequately describe how I felt just then, and yet I knew it was all in my head. I didn’t come off sounding nearly as awkward as I thought I was.
Kyle beamed at me, as if I’d just given him the greatest news ever, and we moved to our seats just as the bell rang. I tried to hide the satisfaction growing inside, but it was difficult. If that man really was following me, if he was stalking me, he would undoubtedly see Kyle come over.
With any luck, he’d make a move, and though it was wrong, I couldn’t wait to see what that move was.
All Kayla could do was blink at me. That, and ask me to repeat what I just said, and so I did, which then made her blink even more, as if the possibility of me having a boy over the house had never occurred to her before.
I supposed it wouldn’t, since I never showed much interest in boys to begin with. I never wanted to date, never bugged her to go to the school dances or any of that stuff. When she’d told me I wasn’t allowed to go to any of those school functions, I simply sat back and let myself be kept in this house.
“Mrs. Johnson paired us together,” I told her. We sat on the couch, the remnants of tonight’s takeout on the coffee table. Kyle had texted me right after school, but I’d told him tonight probably wouldn’t work. Needed to get Kayla’s okay on things, first. “I didn’t have a choice in working with him.”
Things had been odd between us since my little outburst, since I’d asked her why I felt so empty inside. Kayla had been abnormally quiet, which I actually enjoyed, but the way she stared at me now… as if she felt guilty for the way I felt, I’d be a liar if I said it didn’t bother me.
It did, even if it only bothered me because I wanted things to stay the same between us. I didn’t want her staring at me all the time, wondering if I was going to lose my shit like my father did. I didn’t have the answers to it all; I didn’t know whether darkness could run in your blood or not, but I think Kayla was so careful with me all these years because she was afraid. Terrified that I’d turn out like dear old daddy.
And maybe I would. There was still time left.
She bit the inside of her cheek, eventually heaving a sigh. “I remember getting saddled with all the work anytime I had group projects. I hated them.” Kayla let out another sigh as she shifted her weight on the couch, leaning back, though she never once lost eye contact with me. “As long as you’re both here, that’s fine. If you need to go to the library, I’ll take you guys. I don’t want him here when I’m not home. Is that understood? I know you’re eighteen, but you still live under my roof. My roof, my rules.”
I was honestly expecting her to put up more of a fight, but I wasn’t going to complain. Instead, I just nodded and said, “Understood. I’ll have him come over tomorrow, then.”
Kayla spoke, “Make sure the house is clean before he comes.”
At that, I had to throw her a look. Kayla was not a neat freak, by any means. Usually, she asked me to do the cleaning, and I obliged, because I had no life and nothing else to do. “Okay,” I muttered.
“And I want you guys working down here, where I can see you. You will not work in your bedroom.” The way Kayla spoke of my room, it was as if she was afraid we’d get down and nasty there. As if. Once she saw Kyle, she’d understand he was not my type. “I want no doors between us.”
I nodded. “You got it.”
Even though Kayla wasn’t exactly thrilled about the idea of having a boy over, it was a school project, not something either of us could help. I was surprised at how easy it was; I figured I would have to talk her into it or something.
Later that night, I texted Kyle about my talk with my aunt, told him what time to be over the next day. The stranger didn’t call, and I lay there at night, in the darkness of my room, wondering if he was out there, somewhere nearby, watching in the shadows, waiting to get a look at me.
Would he throw a fit over Kyle? There was only one way to find out.
Kayla was actually cooking dinner, which was weird. Weird because she never cooked anything, and doubly weird because Kyle was over.
When he’d first walked into the house, he’d greeted my aunt with a handshake and a smile, introducing himself before I had the chance to. Kayla had been taken aback by his outgoing personality and probably the dimples on his cheeks, and as I guided him to the living room, she threw me a look, a look I knew all too well.
She was both impressed by my partner and telling me through the glare in her eyes that nothing better happen between us.
Yeah, yeah. Even if I liked him, we were stationed in the living room, for God’s sake. It wasn’t like I’d tackle him to the floor, pull up his shirt and lick every single one of his abs in plain view of my aunt. Never.
As Kyle sat on the couch, setting his backpack on the coffee table before us, I asked, “Do you want anything to drink?” I’d already told him my aunt was making dinner, so hopefully he didn’t eat anything before coming over.
He gave me a smile. “Water’s fine.” For once, the television set in the living room was off, nothing but the sounds of my footsteps returning to the kitchen rising in the noiseless space.
I went to the fridge and pulled out two water bottles, turning to head back, but I nearly jumped out of my skin when Kayla appeared behind me, a hand on her hip. She’d changed out of her smocks, wearing jeans and a t-shirt I couldn’t ever remember her wearing before. She hardly looked like my aunt, really.
“What?” I whispered, not wanting to talk too loudly. After all, this house wasn’t huge; the living room wasn’t too far away. Anything we said in here at a normal volume Kyle could probably hear.
“He’s cute,” Kayla spoke, her voice soft. Her eyes flicked toward the living room as she leaned on the counter near me. “Very cute.”
I did not know what to tell her, what to say to her, nor did I know why she kept staring at me like that. She didn’t think I had a crush on Kyle, did she? I wanted to laugh. The only reason I was so gung-ho about having him over was so my stranger could see and get jealous, to make the man who’d been haunting my days and nights make a move.
I didn’t like Kyle fucking Sturgis. No way.
“Okay,” I said, sounding rather awkward. A part of me wanted to tell her that Aubree had a huge crush on him, that I sure as hell didn’t like him one bit, but I stopped myself. It was normal to crush on guys in high school, and the fact that I’d never really had a crush before might be considered weird. Maybe I should let Kayla go on thinking I liked Kyle, just so she could think I was normal, even if I wasn’t.
“He seems nice,” she said, still staring at me perhaps a bit too hard.
“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I guess.” Before she could say anything else to weird me out, I walked away from her, out of the kitchen and straight across the hall, into the living room. I handed Kyle his water bottle before setting mine down on the table near his backpack.
The first thing we needed to do was plan out our paper. I figured if we wrote the paper first, preparing for the presentation in front of the class would be easier. But then again, what the hell did I know? My only reason for having Kyle over was to incite some jealousy in a man I’d never
met.
Or, at least, a man I couldn’t remember meeting.
I sat on the edge of the couch, turning my head to gaze out the windows that overlooked the front yard. All I saw was Kyle’s car in the driveway, no one else. No other car parked conspicuously on the street nearby, no man with binoculars hiding in the shadows. I didn’t know what I expected, really—to see the stranger waiting outside? No, he’d never be so obvious. Kayla would notice him immediately, if that was the case.
No, he would keep himself in the dark, tucked away from my aunt’s vision and her high-tech doorbell that recorded any nearby movement.
“Tenley,” Kyle’s voice brought me back to reality, and I turned my head toward him, meeting his amber eyes. “Did you hear anything I just said?”
Oh, shit. He was talking? I’d totally spaced out while staring out at the front yard. I tried to act innocent, tried to catch myself, but it was clear I wasn’t in my own head mere moments ago, and Kyle chuckled.
“I’m kidding,” he said. “I wasn’t saying anything. You were just so focused at staring outside. See anything good out there?” Kyle was so smooth about it, so effortlessly suave, grinning with those dimples, and for a moment, I could see what Aubree liked about him. Even if he was a jock in the most stereotypical sense, he was cute.
Not my type of cute, but still cute. I could objectively admit it.
I gave him a sheepish smile, one that felt hollow, but it seemed to make him smile back harder at me, for whatever reason. Silly boy. “Oh, yeah, sorry. I space out sometimes.” That was not the half of it, but we didn’t need to get into any of that here.
Kyle’s gaze flicked to the hall, and I turned my head over my shoulder to see my aunt standing there, poking her head in the living room. When she saw that we were looking at her, she disappeared, back into the kitchen.
Reaching a hand to his neck and rubbing the back of it, Kyle said, “Your mom seems nice.” Nice wasn’t the word I’d use to describe her or how she was acting, but I let it slide. What I could not let slide, however, was the fact that he’d called her my mom.
Kayla was not my mom. She would never be my mom. My mom was dead.
“She’s my aunt,” I corrected him. “She’s been my guardian for the last ten years.” That was all I wanted to say about it, and all I would say. I was not about to spill my entire life’s story to Kyle, not when I was only trying to use him to make the stranger jealous. I guess I’d never really told him who Kayla was… he just assumed I called my mother by her first name.
“Oh,” he said, glancing to the spot where she was. Thankfully, Kayla was no longer staring at us—and by staring at us, I meant double-checking the distance between us. Two feet, a respectable distance. I knew if I scooted closer to him, let my leg touch his or something like that, she would have an aneurysm.
It would be glorious, not going to lie.
“I thought she looked kind of young to be your mom, but I didn’t want to make any assumptions,” he finished.
Technically, calling her my mom was making an assumption, but that was getting into the nitty-gritty details of it, and that’s not what this night was about. Outside, dusk had enveloped the world, nighttime not too far from its arrival. I had no idea how long Kyle would be over, but I hoped he would stay until after dark. We’d have to turn the lights on in the living room to work, which would illuminate us to everything outside.
I kept my backpack down here after school, knowing Kyle would be over later, so I got up and brought it over, pulling out a notebook and my folder for class. During our weekly class periods where Mrs. Johnson let us work on our projects, we had gone as a class to the high school library and found some sources, printed them off. Kyle and I each had copies of what would become the sources for our paper and presentation, and as I watched him pull the same things out, I saw not a single thing was marked on the first page.
Unsurprisingly. I’d gone through and highlighted the important parts, the details of our author’s life that we should include in our paper, but it looked as though Kyle hadn’t done anything at all.
Again, I would be the one to carry this project on my back, not the jock beside me.
We got to work, and I shared with him the parts I’d deemed important out of all of our printed articles and websites. I could tell Kyle wanted to talk to me, but I bet he felt too awkward, since my aunt was literally in the other room, probably eavesdropping. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind Kayla was waiting for Kyle to make a move or say something inappropriate, and then she’d pop up out of nowhere with a finger in the air and say ah-ha! I knew it.
She didn’t, luckily. Or, rather, Kyle kept whatever he wanted to say to himself.
Dinner rolled around, and Kayla came in and set down two plates on the coffee table. Pork and green beans, it looked like. Smelled pretty good, considering my aunt hardly ever cooked. Not even for holidays; we were the ones who ordered our Thanksgiving dinner from restaurants.
The house wasn’t big enough to have a kitchen table or a dining room; this was where we always ate. We ate, watched TV, wondered what the hell was wrong with our lives. Rinse and repeat.
Kyle grinned at Kayla, saying, “Are you going to eat with us?”
It was as she was walking out of the living room that she waved a hand through the air and said, “No, no. I’ll leave you two to it. I do need to watch TV while I eat though, so I’ll be in my room if you need me.” After that, she threw a pointed look at me, as if reminding me she could make her presence known at any time, walk down those stairs and pop in randomly.
Right. Just in case Kyle and I got too close or something.
Not soon after that, we heard her grab her plate from the kitchen and head upstairs, her footsteps fading away until we couldn’t hear her on the stairwell anymore.
I set aside my notebook and my folder, capping my highlighter and carefully setting it atop the other stuff. Kyle reached for the plate, picking up the fork and stabbing the meat on the plate. He brought it to his lips, and I was once again too busy glancing over my shoulder at the outside world to pay attention to him.
Was he out there, somewhere? Was he fuming, wondering why his good girl was alone with another boy? A boy who was attractive, by all means. A boy who most of Banner High would love to hook up with. I didn’t care for that at all, but would he know that?
“Are you waiting for someone else to show up?” Kyle’s voice broke through my thoughts, and I turned to look at him.
“What?” I didn’t understand his question, and I forced myself to start eating. It was good, but… eh, sometimes eating was just a chore, you know?
“You keep looking outside like you’re waiting for someone,” he said, amber eyes on me as he ate. He sat with his knees apart, his muscled frame hunched over. A faint smile still danced across his lips, and I couldn’t tell why he was so happy to be here. With me.
I wasn’t a girl anyone would be thrilled to work with for class. I wasn’t one who gave it up to anybody who asked or looked in my direction. I was a nobody, invisible… or at least I should be, should still be, even if I was forced to work with a popular jock.
But he kept staring at me, waiting for me to talk back.
“Oh, I’m… I just like looking outside.” My answer was lame, but it was the only thing I could think of. Of course, by now, night had fallen, so it was a mostly black and dark world I kept glancing out at, but that was beside the point. Kyle did not need to know who I searched for, or why. He didn’t need to know anything.
“I mean, if you have a hot date you have to meet, don’t let me stop you.” He sounded like he was joking—he looked like he was joking too, given the dimples on his cheeks and his easygoing demeanor—but I found myself bristling at his comment.
I would much rather be with my stranger than with him. I’d much rather be listening to the rough, scratchy timbre of his low voice, whispered directly into my ear than listen to Kyle’s voice. Why the hell couldn’t Kyle just shut up and let me use him
for a bit? That’s all I wanted. Fuck this project. Fuck actually working on it. I knew I’d do a better job myself, anyway. That’s not what this was about.
That’s not what any of this was about.
Ugh.
“I don’t date,” I said, wanting to stop him from saying anything else stupid. I shoved some pork in my mouth, not hungry at all. The only thing I was hungry for was the one thing I couldn’t have: my stranger. The truth. Why his voice affected me so much, why I so desperately craved to be his good girl.
“Yeah, you know,” Kyle started, leaning back on the couch, the plate in his lap as he stared at me, laying on the charm, “why is that? You’re always so quiet in class. Half the time I forget you’re there.” Well, that last part would’ve hurt, if I was in Aubree’s shoes and had a crush on the guy.
Luckily I didn’t, so his words fell off me like I was impenetrable.
I shrugged. “School just isn’t my scene.”
“What is your scene, then? Why don’t you date? Believe it or not, Tenley, you’re actually fun to be around, when you’re trying.” Kyle must’ve realized what he said could be taken the wrong way, like an insult, for he was quick to add, “I just mean that I like being around you, and I didn’t expect it.”
Hmm. He was talking about me too much. I didn’t like it. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he had a crush on me, but that was just ridiculous, wasn’t it? He was Kyle Sturgis, star quarterback, popular jock. Someone who was able to drop the panties of any girl he wanted. Anyone but me.
Maybe that’s what this was about. Maybe, since I showed no interest in him whatsoever, he was drawn to me like a moth to the flame.
Didn’t we always want what we couldn’t have? I never knew what that felt like… not until I started getting calls from a restricted number. Not until I started dreaming of a man with no face, having flashbacks to a time I couldn’t remember. I wanted him. I wanted to be with him, whoever he was. It didn’t matter what he looked like. Looks were superficial, anyway. The only thing that mattered was what he made me feel, and that was it.