The Secrets She Must Tell

by Lucy King

  At least Georgie had left him to it and wasn’t around to witness his rare incompetence and his even rarer sentimental fascination with another human being. With any luck she had no idea either of how her brief but disturbing foray into his bedroom last night had affected him. In she’d barged, all stunningly fired up one moment and then staring at him as if she wanted to gobble him up the next. He’d caught a flash of hunger in her eyes and heard the breathlessness of her voice, and a reciprocal burst of hot, dizzying desire had shot through him. After she’d left he’d had to take another shower, a cold one, and he had the feeling that he’d be taking many more if his response to how she’d looked walking into the kitchen this morning, all warm and flushed and tousled, was anything to go by.

  Finally achieving the impossible and sticking the nappy tabs in the right places and then somehow managing to guide two wriggling legs back into a pair of tiny trousers, Finn lifted Josh off the table. As he did so their eyes met and held, and as they stared at each other, stock still and fascinated, he felt something deep inside him twist. The physical similarities he and his son shared were startling. He hadn’t resembled either Alice or Jim at all. And suddenly he wondered, did he look like either or both of his biological parents? Did he have his father’s nose? His mother’s eyes? A grandparent’s mouth? Would he recognise them if he ever had the chance to meet them? Would they have the same connection he felt with Josh?

  Would he ever find the answers he sought?

  ‘How did you get on?’ said Georgie, coming into what was now the nursery and snapping him out of his impossibly frustrating thoughts.

  ‘It’s harder than it looks.’

  ‘You’ll get the hang of it. If I can, anyone can.’

  Hmm. ‘Did you want something?’

  ‘The rest of my things have just arrived. I was wondering if you’d like to see the photos of Josh that I took while we were in hospital.’

  ‘I would.’

  She took a couple of steps towards him until she was closer—too close—and shifted her glance from him to Josh. ‘He looks so like you,’ she said, her voice filled with warmth and softness.

  He took a step back, his pulse skipping a beat. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Maybe we could compare pictures. Of both of you as newborns.’

  Impossible. There weren’t any of him at that age. When going through his father’s attic he’d found a few photos of himself at six months old, and endless photos of himself older than Josh was now, but none younger, which he’d wondered about until he’d found the certificate of his adoption and it all made sense. ‘Another time.’

  ‘All right.’

  ‘I’d like you to talk me through Josh’s routine,’ he said, carrying his son out of the nursery, which was far too small and claustrophobic with Georgie in it too, down the stairs and into the sitting room.

  ‘To be honest, he doesn’t really have one.’

  ‘Do you want him to?’

  ‘More than anything. What do you think?’

  ‘I’m as big a fan of structure as you are.’

  ‘Be still my beating heart.’

  And, as his gave a great thud in response to the smile she flashed at him, Finn set Josh gently on the mat on the floor and thought that the least said about that particular organ, beating, thudding, lurching or doing anything else for that matter, the better.

  * * *

  The following morning, Georgie stepped through the front door of the apartment and dropped her bag on the console table. The therapy session she’d just had had been a mixed bag, as indeed had the last twenty-four hours.

  On the one hand, as she’d told the therapist, she was now glad Finn had made her tell him some of what had happened to her. If she did inevitably have the odd day when things got a bit much, and her anxieties descended, it would come as no surprise to anyone, which in turn would ease some of the stress of it.

  Furthermore, she’d discovered that a problem shared was literally a problem halved. Not that Josh was a problem, of course, but undoubtedly, on a practical level at least, parenting with Finn was a whole lot easier than doing it on her own. She hadn’t realised how much she’d relied on the support of other people when she and Josh had been in hospital or how stressful she’d found having to be constantly on the alert without it.

  And, although it was early days and she couldn’t be certain the novelty might not wear off, Finn certainly seemed to be reliable. Last night he’d told her he’d take the night shift, since a grizzly Josh had a tooth coming through, and this morning at dawn she’d gone through to the nursery to find him sprawled in a chair with their son, arms out, draped across his chest, both fast asleep. One big hand had lain splayed on Josh’s back, protective, warm and secure, and the sight had melted her heart.

  However, warring with the feelings of relief, gratitude and warmth were the resentment and jealousy that she’d experienced over breakfast yesterday and which hadn’t entirely ebbed. To her shame, despite Finn’s generosity and support, she’d been relieved to see his initial uncertainty and clumsiness when left on his own to deal with the messier side of parenting. Not that it had lasted for long. His natural competence had soon risen to the challenge, and watching him interact with Josh subsequently, his ease and instant adoration highlighting her own failings, was like a twist of the knife in her chest, every single time.

  Such as now, she thought, coming to an abrupt halt in the doorway to the sitting room, her breath catching in her throat. Finn and Josh were lying on their fronts on the floor, nose to nose. Josh was grabbing at Finn’s mouth, giggling and squealing while Finn, resting his chin on his hands, was patiently letting him, simply staring back at him in awe.

  She ought to be glad that he’d taken to fatherhood so well, she knew, taking in the scene and feeling an ache throb deep within her. She ought to be relieved that he seemed to be taking his responsibilities so seriously. She shouldn’t be jealous of a connection that was instant and deep. She shouldn’t feel bitter about the fact that it was a connection she’d been denied. She should be glad that Finn looked to be taking an approach to parenthood that was so different to her own experience.

  She was all that, and she wished she could shake off the negativity and focus on the positives, but she couldn’t and she lived in fear that at any moment the ugly emotions swirling around inside her would rise up and make her say or do something she might regret.

  ‘How did it go?’ he asked, glancing up at her, his eyebrows raised.

  ‘All good.’

  ‘Come and join us.’

  She gathered her hair up and gave it a quick twist, then with a small smile shook her head. ‘Maybe later.’

  CHAPTER FIVE

  THE ARRIVAL OF the nanny went some way to easing the volatility of Georgie’s emotions. Mrs Gardiner was a sensible woman of sixty with decades of experience and spot-on instincts, whom Josh adored. Discreet, non-interfering and non-judgemental, she knew exactly when to step in with a subtle suggestion and when to back off and leave Georgie to it.

  As the days passed and they settled into a rhythm, Georgie’s strength and well-being improved. Her belief in herself and her confidence grew, and gradually her insecurities and doubts lessened. The more she saw how Finn’s continuing interest and involvement benefited their son, the less she saw him as a threat, and her resentment and jealousy started to fade.

  Unfortunately, with this progress came a growing awareness of Finn not just as a father but as a man, a man with whom she’d once burned up the sheets. The excruciating moment she’d barged into his bedroom was becoming harder to forget. The dreams she’d had immediately afterwards were getting worse and more lurid in their detail, and now, alarmingly, during the day too the image of him standing there in just a towel, wet and semi-naked, kept popping into her head, sending her temperature soaring and stealing her breath.

  That he was gorgeous went witho
ut saying, and it was true that she’d developed something of an obsession with his strong and capable hands that had once been so hot and skilful on her body but were now so infinitely careful and gentle when handling Josh. But it was more than his many physical attractions that tugged at something deep inside her. It was his endless patience, the wholehearted attention he paid Josh and his rock-solid dependability. His self-confidence and reassuring air of authority. For a girl who’d had none of that growing up, these traits of his were incredibly appealing.

  As a whole, Finn was heady stuff and she found it all very confusing. She’d become increasingly tongue-tied around him and went bright red whenever she did manage to hold any sort of conversation with him, and it was a mortifying state of affairs because she’d never been the bashful sort.

  It was therefore a good thing that in the evenings, once Josh had gone to sleep, Finn disappeared to catch up on work. At least she was spared agonising small talk over supper while trying to sort out how she felt about everything and trying not to remember the things they’d once done together, even if they probably did need to get to know one another better on a level other than the carnal.

  However, things would settle down soon enough, she reminded herself for the hundredth time as she navigated the pushchair into the café where she’d arranged to meet Carla for an impromptu weekday lunch a week later. It was a period of adjustment, that was all.

  And once they had adjusted she and Finn would discuss how to move forwards. Even though he’d already told her that he’d take care of both her and Josh financially, which was one less thing to have to worry about, at some point in the not-too-distant future she’d have to dip her toe back into the world of work and see if anyone would employ her. She’d loved her job. She couldn’t imagine not ever working again. Mrs Gardiner had said she would stay as long as she was needed, so maybe she’d even go with them when Georgie and Josh eventually moved out of the penthouse and set up home somewhere conveniently near by.

  Spying Carla sitting at a table in the corner that had plenty of space for a pushchair beside it and feeling a grin spread across her face, Georgie made her way over.

  ‘Hi!’ she said, giving Carla, who stood up, a quick kiss on the cheek.

  ‘Wow, you look better,’ said her friend with a smile.

  ‘I feel better,’ Georgie replied, taking off her coat and sitting down. In honour of the outing she’d styled her hair for the first time in months and slapped on some make-up. This morning she’d looked at herself in the mirror and noticed with delight that the colour had returned to her cheeks and her eyes had regained the sparkle she’d missed so much. ‘Practically back to normal.’

  ‘Hotel penthouse life is clearly suiting you.’

  ‘It is. I don’t have to lift a finger, so I’m getting plenty of rest. Finn has food sent up and it’s so delicious I’ve put on a stone.’

  ‘You needed to.’

  Georgie grinned. ‘I know.’

  ‘Any regrets?’

  Only that she turned into an awkward teen with a crush whenever Finn was around. ‘None at all.’

  ‘I’m glad.’

  ‘So am I.’

  ‘And how’s my gorgeous little boy?’

  ‘Thriving.’

  ‘Can I have a cuddle?’

  ‘Of course.’ Reaching down, Georgie unstrapped Josh, eased him out of the pushchair and handed him over. ‘How was your trip?’ she asked, watching as her son tried to grab Carla’s necklace and feeling her heart squeeze when he giggled.

  ‘Good,’ said Carla, taking his chubby little hand and wiggling it instead. ‘Exhausting. The usual obstacles to overcome but nothing I couldn’t handle. Far more interestingly, how’s your hot baby-daddy flatmate?’

  Eeew. ‘Please don’t ever refer to him like that again.’

  Carla grinned. ‘Is he as gorgeous as you remember?’

  Every bit of it. And much more so now she’d caught glimpses of the man beneath the very attractive surface. ‘Yup,’ she said, automatically thinking about him in a towel and inevitably, irritatingly, feeling herself blush.

  ‘Aha!’ said Carla, who was extremely perceptive and knew her way too well. ‘Intriguing. I sense a story. Once we’ve ordered, you need to tell me absolutely everything.’

  * * *

  Where the hell were they?

  Listening to Georgie’s voicemail recording click in for the dozenth time, Finn hung up and tossed his phone onto the buttoned ottoman that had once remained uncluttered but now served as a general dumping ground for things that hadn’t existed in his life pre-Georgie and Josh.

  He’d arrived home half an hour ago after a lengthy meeting, expecting to be greeted by the noise and activity that over the last two weeks he’d become used to, and that unexpectedly he’d begun to welcome, in fact, since it provided a distraction to the continued lack of progress the investigation agency was making in locating his real parents.

  Instead, he’d been met with silence. Georgie hadn’t left a note and she wasn’t answering her phone, and it was Mrs Gardiner’s day off. He had no idea where anyone was, and he didn’t like it. He didn’t like it one little bit, not least because it had just occurred to him that Georgie could waltz out of here taking Josh with her at any point. In fact, he thought as his pulse skipped a beat and he suddenly went icy cold, she could well have already done so.

  When they’d first moved in she’d badly needed his support. She’d been in no fit state to take control and only too happy to let him dictate what was going to happen. Now, however, she was stronger, fitter. He’d watched the transformation happen—the hollows in her cheeks slowly filling out, a healthy pink replacing the grey tinge to her skin. He’d witnessed with a strange sort of pride her increased confidence and the growing ease with which she interacted with their son.

  In response to the way she’d blossomed, he’d experienced an annoying and frustrating surge in attraction, which he had no hope of assuaging, since not only was she still incredibly vulnerable, but it was also blindingly obvious that she had absolutely no desire to explore the possibility that the chemistry that had once consumed them still existed. She could barely even look at him and when she did she clearly found it uncomfortable, which was why he absented himself every evening. He claimed he had to work, but he didn’t because, despite being in total control of his company for the last thirteen years or so, he’d recently discovered that he had no problem with delegation.

  Instead he spent the time in the basement of the hotel, either whipping up a storm in the gym or ploughing up and down the pool to ease the need and frustration pummelling through him. How could she not share the attraction he felt so strongly? he found himself wondering. Exactly how fragile was she still? And then, why the hell couldn’t he seem to stop thinking about his son in relation to his father?

  The longer he spent with Josh, the greater the connection that built and the deeper the fascination that grew, the more he regretted the fact that the two had never had the chance to meet. Would his father’s illness have been easier for them both to handle if they’d known about Josh? Would it have brought happiness? Would it have bought them both more time? It was a regret that was irrational and made no sense. His so-called father deserved no sympathy and no forgiveness. Yet that didn’t stop the insidious wistfulness creeping into his head and taking root.

  Frustratingly, no amount of exercise seemed to clear his head or calm his body, and Georgie’s unexplained absence this afternoon was making things worse. Although he could work out from the fact that nothing seemed to have been taken that she probably hadn’t gone for good, as she got even better there’d be less keeping her here, and that was a concern.

  He wasn’t losing Josh, he thought with a touch of grim desperation as he stalked into the kitchen to make himself some coffee. Not now. Not ever. He was loving the time they were spending together getting to know each o
ther. He found him utterly intriguing and was continually staggered by the depth of the bond he shared with this tiny person, for whom he would willingly die.

  Yet how could he stop Georgie from walking out and taking Josh with her? With what she’d been through he had some leverage but using it did not appeal. The legal route would take months. Realistically, there was nothing he could do.

  Unless...

  He froze suddenly, his pulse racing and his head spinning.

  There was one way. A bit dramatic possibly, but, without doubt, binding.

  Commitment had never held any interest for him before. He’d witnessed Jim’s grief when Alice had died, all the more potent for his restraint, as well as the lingering sadness that had tinged his life for the remaining twenty years he’d had of it. Finn had no desire to experience any of that for himself, regardless of the examples of happiness set by the one or two of his friends who had married. To date he’d never met anyone who’d threatened the status quo and right now, with the frustration and confusion he felt over his identity, he was not in any position to enter into a relationship with anyone.

  Apart from his son.

  During the two months following Jim’s death, he’d found himself dwelling increasingly on the idea of love and what it meant, and finding it tainted because surely lying and betrayal formed no part of it. But Josh had made him reconsider. The strength of his feelings for this tiny person, his tiny person, blew him away. He was not losing him and he was not having Josh growing up not knowing him. So if hitching himself to Georgie was the price he had to pay to secure Josh then that was what he’d do and to hell with the X-rated dreams it might give him and the additional discomfort it would no doubt cause her.

  His swift but absolutely right decision had nothing whatsoever to do with a subconscious desire to create the family that deep down he might possibly crave. Or the fact that he’d got used to having them around and couldn’t stomach the thought of the silence and emptiness their absence would bring. And of course he wasn’t worried about abandonment and rejection and being left all alone again. What he’d come up with was a purely practical solution to an unthinkable possibility and a means to eliminating a very great risk, and he’d implement it just as soon as she turned up.