How even the slightest hope of things getting better, or the potential to make a difference, would make you want to stay.
I didn't have the guts to breach the topic with Nathaniel. Not after the disaster that was my first attempt. He'd gotten so upset and angry. It was concerning to see the fire build up behind his eyes. And the broken food tray, that he'd slammed over the edge of the table in frustration, only served to scare me away from ever bringing it up again.
What right did he have to be pissed off anyway? Of course I was going to care about the people I'd left behind. Everyone here seemed to forget that the people I was talking about didn't have all the facts. Of course Pallans seemed barbaric in comparison to society here. But how could I blame my people for that? We'd never been given the chance to see any of the goodness left in the world. Never been given a chance to be anything different.
You wouldn't expect a lion to be content with a cage three sizes too small.
I huffed a sigh and turned to walk into the cafeteria. Waiting at our usual spot was none other than Nate himself. Of course. I smiled a little at the fact that he had waited for me. He was an awfully busy person most of the time.
I was still surprised to see the familial dictatorship in place here. Especially considering no one seemed to have any issues with it. Even in Palla we'd kept hold of the comforting reminder of freedom. Of choice. Suzanne Tracer had been voted in for a second term just last year. We'd liked having just a little bit of control over what happened in our lives. And I'd just assumed that this place would have also been run as some kind of democracy. Where people had a choice in how things were done. How their lives were controlled. But it seemed that was not the case.
Leadership was hereditary here. And as such Nate spent most of his time training to take over such a difficult task, or familiarising himself with the soldiers. Or something equally important.
Yet somehow he always found time to sit with me when I ate.
He looked over at me and smiled, causing a butterfly to flutter around in my stomach.
"Hey Nate." I slid down into my seat, looking at the tray of food he'd already had waiting for me. I smiled and rolled my eyes a little before taking my first bite. As usual he had gotten me more food than I was technically allowed to have. It was more than my ration, but he said he wanted me to actually be full. He said I deserved it considering it was a feeling I'd never experienced before.
I couldn't help but notice the disapproving and sometimes envious looks directed my way.
"How'd you get out of training this time?" I asked, directing the question around the fork full of food in my mouth.
His instructor was a ruthless man. Grayson Marks had been paid a small fortune by Nate's parents to prepare him for the intensity and responsibility of his future role. Marks didn't particularly approve of the attitude his pupil expressed towards his training.
"I snuck out of the room when he was looking through some files he was supposed to show me. I've actually been here for like twenty minutes. I'm surprised no one's come to find me yet." So was I. It was no secret that he sat with me at meal times. It was something everyone knew, but not many appreciated.
"I don't know why you risk it when it could get you in so much trouble. You shouldn't place spending time with me above your future."
He looked at me for a second, like he thought I was overlooking something obvious, before he raised an eyebrow, encouraging me to continue.
"Well, I don't. It makes absolutely zero sense." I lifted another forkful of mashed… something. I could never tell what the food here was. It was so different from anything I'd ever eaten back home.
"Actually it makes a lot of sense." My fork paused only a few centimetres before my mouth. I met his gaze questioningly.
"My god, I thought you were smarter than this."
I lowered the fork back down to my plate slowly.
"What?" I managed to force out, thrown off by his quick change of tone.
"It's not exactly like I've been subtle about it," he said, the gentleness creeping back into his words.
Seeing the confusion blanketed over my face he let out an exasperated breath.
Then he looked me right in the eyes. Waited for me to understand.
Losing patience, or gaining confidence — I'm still not really sure which — he leaned forward, an intense look in his eyes.
He reached out cautiously, his fingers trailing over my cheekbone.
The butterfly in my stomach must have been having a party or something. Each beat of its wings sent a wave of feeling throughout my torso.
I leaned forward, towards him, drawn in by something unseen.
✽✽✽
Rae woke around midday to the feel of the sun beating down on his face through the gap in the curtains.
Wait, the sun?
He jolted up in shock, causing his back to crack loudly after so many hours of stillness. The bright ball of fire was high in the air outside his window. Normally by now he'd have been ankle deep in bandages and clambering around the wounded. Trying to stop someone from bleeding, someone from crying out in pain.
He stumbled towards his kitchen and fished a bottle of water out of his unlocked cupboard. He'd been so tired the night before he hadn't even remembered to lock away his precious food supplies.
That was dangerous.
Thankfully nothing was missing, and after taking a few deep gulps, he put the bottle back in the cupboard under the sink. This time he made sure he locked its door with the key he kept on a string around his neck. Access to food and water was something that could so easily be stolen from you in a place like this. At a time like this.
With so many people roaming throughout his house now, he wanted to be sure he kept his limited stash safe and away from desperate hands. He'd even begun thinking about moving it to room 206. But there were no lockable cupboards there, and despite the fact that he knew no one went there, the though of leaving everything so vulnerable felt wrong. Unsafe.
Rae changed his shirt and made a promise he knew he'd end up breaking.
He needed to do his laundry.
That was a hard thing to get done when he couldn't get away from work, and had very little in the way of cleaning supplies left. A trip to the lake would be arduous. But washing his clothes in the flowing water had been on his agenda for the past week and a half. It seemed odd that with everything going on in his life, Rae still thought about such a mundane task. That he even had the capacity to think of something so irrelevant.
That unwashed clothes even bothered him anymore.
Upon stepping out of his front door Rae was immediately aware of the stillness in the air.
It had been a long time since he'd been able to walk down the road without seeing some tragedy looming before him, begging him for help. He was sure that there were still sick and injured people waiting for him to make them better, something that wasn't always possible. But had anything happened with the Xiets there would be chaos in the streets. And he definitely would have been woken up to deal with injuries.
As he got closer to the house currently being used as a medic station — his own was being granted a short time period of freedom in order to be thoroughly cleaned, and to hopefully throw off any chances of it becoming a terrorist target — the ominous feeling in the air grew thicker.
It was by no means silent.
Voices could be heard from streets away. The everyday noises of people going about their business filled the atmosphere.
But there was no screaming.
No shouts of terror or anger.
No one was crying.
There were no sirens.
There was a strange lull in the recent spurt of attacks and Rae wasn't sure he could trust it.
He approached the door to his medical partner and mentor's home — the current medic station or 'hospital' as far as official labels went. Most citizens knew that if he was home they'd also find help at Rae's house, or any of the other medic's houses as
well. Though they didn't have half as many supplies as Dr. Fisher did.
Not that Dr. Fisher was a real doctor.
But he was the closest any of them had. Having lived through the flu epidemic and been personally trained by the few professional doctors and nurses who'd made it through too — though they'd all passed over time, lost to various Xiet attacks, age, and illnesses — Dr. Fisher was the most qualified person in Palla. Considering education was at an all time low, Fisher was the one everyone went to in order to learn. He knew more about medicine and physiotherapy than anyone else in Palla.
They let him wear the title with pride.
"Dr. Fisher? Do you need me for anything today?" Rae called out as he cautiously moved his way through the cluttered building.
He reached his hand out and checked the temperatures of a few wounded patients as he moved past them.
"Not at this point son." The gentle face of Adrian Fisher poked around the corner, his body angled away from a little girl who was currently unconscious on one of their few mattresses. The poor thing was burning through any form of painkillers they could give her.
"The Xiets seem to be giving us a bit of a break," Dr. Fisher continued. "If anything happens today just do the usual. In the meantime, if I need you for anything I'll just send a runner."
Rae nodded, appreciative of the time off. He'd probably head back home and take another nap. The thought of the laundry piled up in the corner of his bedroom filtered across his mind. What he should do warred against the possibility of more sleep.
He was almost home when he heard the unmistakable zing of something being dropped from the sky. He ducked down against the side of a nearby fence as a building on the other side of the city simultaneously exploded and burst into flames. After waiting a few moments, to see whether or not any more were going to be dropped, Rae picked himself up from where he crouched on the cracked path.
As he headed towards the site of destruction, Rae couldn't help but notice he wasn't even fazed by it anymore.
He wasn't sure if he even really felt anything anymore.
TWELVE
After floating about in my own little happy bubble for a few days I was slapped in the face by reality.
Yes, I was happy here. I mean, I was with Nate. Of course I was happy. My mouth lifted into a grin of its own accord just thinking about him. It was such an unexpected thing to have come from all this chaos. A good thing.
But I couldn't let myself forget about my family. I couldn't forget that they were still stuck out there. While I was here. Safe. And doing nothing to help them.
I was sick of just being. Of going to my lessons. Eating, sleeping, repeat. Doing the same boring tasks every day and not having anything I did mean anything.
Being, but not doing.
I'd enjoyed learning, and was so unbelievably grateful that I was finally getting a shot at a decent education. But at the same time I was so sick of being unable to do anything for my people. Of sitting back and doing nothing while so many others went out on missions. While others were sent out to help.
I wanted to help.
Yet there they went. Without me. Another group of people was on their way to do something important. That was going to help my friends. My family. My people.
I was determined not to be left behind. Not this time. I was going to do something. But in order to do that I would need some help.
I marched through the hallways as I continued my hunt for Nathaniel. Usually it wasn't all that hard for me to find him. He would meet me after my classes. Or walk me to them. Or sit with me in the cafeteria.
But he'd recently gotten in trouble for dismissing his responsibilities too often. So today he was busy with 'important leadership duties'. Which, in this case, meant he was in charge of training some of the newer recruits so that they'd be functional in battle.
It was one of his favourite duties, weapons training. I wasn't sure how I felt about his love of shooting things, but at the very least I liked that it made him safer. He could protect himself, and by extension me. I hated having to rely on others to keep me safe. I would have been able to defend myself quite easily. But no one here trusted me enough for that, and I wasn't permitted to have a gun.
Nate wasn't there when I reached the armoury. Instead my sister was running the lesson, something I knew didn't follow protocol. Nate had to have organised this himself. No one else would have allowed it. I gave her a quick wave and a smile before heading off again.
I decided to go back to the class I'd so brilliantly decided to skip that morning. Maybe he'd gone there early to wait for my lesson to finish. I'd spent a good hour searching the grounds looking for him and I was running out of ideas.
I also couldn't afford to skip any more lessons. Not if I wanted to be allowed to stay here. It turned out we were still here on questionable terms, and it was no secret that Mr. and Mrs. Alderman didn't like me all that much. I largely credited our acceptance to the fact that Nate wanted us here.
Well, he wanted me here. And I wasn't staying without Gabby. Not that she seemed to be in much danger of getting kicked out.
I had just turned down the walkway when I saw him coming towards me. His eyes met mine. His mouth was set in a grim, hard line.
Clearly my skipping class had not put him in the best mood for this discussion.
Not that I thought this was a conversation he'd ever want to have. But I couldn't avoid it anymore. He was in charge of missions. He was my best bet. My only chance.
"I want to do something," I spoke up before I lost my nerve.
He slung his arm around my shoulders and turned me towards the cafeteria. We walked a few steps before he spoke up.
"You are doing something. Or you would be, if you actually went to class." I ignored his teasing and pulled his arm from my shoulder. Noting the look it sparked in his eyes I kept hold of his hand. I stood directly in front of him. Forced him to stop walking.
"Something that actually matters. I want to help my people. Let me help them." I didn't want him to make light of this. I wanted him to listen.
He sighed and grabbed my other hand, looking deep into my eyes. I fought the urge to roll mine.
"The missions are dangerous."
"I know that. But it's not like I haven't faced danger before."
"That doesn't mean I want you to go through that again."
"That doesn't mean I won't," I snapped pulling my hands away at warp speed.
He couldn't protect me forever. Even if he kept me locked underground. I didn't want that anyway. I wanted to be able to protect myself. If I had to rely on walls and other people's guns I'd be just as helpless as I was in Palla. I knew how to fire a weapon. I knew how to fight, how to defend. But it wasn't going to work if no one let me do anything.
He couldn't keep me safe forever. There was no such thing as safe forever. Why was that so hard for him to understand? There were levels of safety. And right now some of the people I loved most were in serious danger.
"You don't get to control that. Nobody does. If risking my life is what it takes to get my family back, then I'm going to do it. You can't stop me." I wouldn't let anyone force me to stand back when Liam might not even be alive anymore. When my mum could be in any state of self-destruction. When Rae could be blown to pieces.
Nathaniel narrowed his eyes. Right when he opened his mouth to say something I cut him off.
"But you can help me."
"Absolutely not." I was beginning to lose all hope in the situation. But I wasn't lying. If he didn't help me, I'd have found another way to get out of here. I would have braved that nightmare again to get my family back. Even knowing I could've ended up dead.
I'd rather have died than forget.
Than let them be forgotten.
"I wasn't asking for your permission. I was asking for your help. But by all means. Go ahead. Don't worry about it. I'll ask someone else."
"No you won't," He stated adamantly.
How dare he? Did he
really think he could control me so easily?
"Yes I will."
"They won't help you."
"Then I'll find a way out myself. I'm not leaving them behind!"
He stared deeply into my eyes for a few seconds, prying through my insides to see the truth in my words.
He sighed in exasperation and his eyes flicked away to look up at the ceiling.
"Fine." With the word they shot back to stare me down. This look wasn't filled with worry, or love, or anything I'd thought to expect. Raw anger flooded through the deep brown of his eyes. I was reminded all at once that this was the same man who'd almost shot me in the first few seconds he'd ever seen me.
"I'll see what I can do. But don't think I'm happy about it."
I swallowed, trying to ignore the unease spreading through my whole being like an infection.
"You don't have to be."
✽✽✽
"So we'll enter from here, and when they get word of our approach they should make their attempt at defence from the east." I was only half paying attention to the plan Nate was relaying to the rest of the soldiers going on the mission with us. We were in his parents' public office crowded around a crudely drawn map of Palla. I'd never seen a map of Palla before, and had to force myself to look away from it.
I couldn't afford to draw attention to myself. No one other than Nate and my sister knew that I was going along on the next mission. I had to stay invisible in that room. Avoid drawing attention to myself. I was supposedly there to provide intel on Palla's defences.
Trisha and John Alderman sat in the corner of the room directly opposite from me. I had a sneaking suspicion that they were observing me more than they were their son's plan. I wasn't sure if I should be worried about the way their eyes scanned over me, as if I was some kind of infestation that they must exterminate before it spreads. Or if I should be somewhat grateful, in a twisted way, that they seemed to care about their son. Enough to want to protect him from me, not that I knew what I'd done to earn their distrust. The feeling was mutual.
I sat in a hard plastic shell of a chair next to Gabby, who was far more engaged in the discussion than I was. She actually wasn't going on the mission — something I was thankful for beyond belief. But she was petrified something bad was going to happen to me and insisted on following me here. It turned out that she knew a lot more about the Pallan military than I did. And she'd completely disproved Rae's theory of her lack of direction by providing most of the details that went towards the drawing of the map that was in the middle of the table. She was just a little fountain of knowledge that I'd never expected her to know. I had to wonder what else she might have been hiding.
Bright Cold Day Page 11