Bright Cold Day

by Victoria Ryder

  "Rosa, what are you doing? Come sit with us." My gaze settled on the speaker. Isabel.

  Nathaniel was looking at us too. And he actually had the nerve to smile. My eyes narrowed and I blinked furiously in an attempt to chase away the oncoming tears.

  As much as I didn't want to go anywhere near him, there was actually nowhere else to sit. I would have left without eating were it not for the fact I needed the nutrients. If I wanted to be strong enough to leave. If I wanted to avoid what happened the last time Gabby and I had tried to make it on our own.

  If I wanted to appear as though I fit in. Like we'd planned.

  My next option would have actually been to sit on the floor. That was preferable to sitting with my brother's murderer. But I knew Isabel wouldn't let that happen. She'd drag me to the table if she had to. And I'd rather not draw even more attention to myself. The less noticeable we were now, the less obvious our absence would be later.

  I meet Gabby's eyes and she sighed. We reluctantly made our way over and sat down, both of us on the same side of the bench. Both of us opposite the boy who could so easily destroy us.

  There was nothing that could make me move any closer to Nathaniel, not ever again.

  I stared down at my plate blankly, trying to control my emotions. It was hard to look at him and not see the blood smeared over his cheek bone. Even though he'd long since wiped it off.

  It was hard to see how he'd washed his hands clean.

  It would have been so easy for him. A little bit of water was all it took to wash it all away.

  "Good morning Rosa." I didn't respond to his greeting. He honestly couldn't have expected me to.

  "How come you aren't sitting next to Nate?" At Isabel's words my eyes flicked up and fixed him with a look equivalent to the shot of a gun.

  Quick.

  Painful.

  Deadly.

  And once again I stared at my food. Any appetite I may have had was lost.

  "Oh come on. Don't be like that." I ignored him and picked slightly at my meal. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to leave.

  I wanted to go home.

  I was beginning to understand my mother a little better. It had to feel horrible losing her husband. The father of her children. It had to feel like the whole world had fallen apart underneath her feet. And she was left falling, with no one there to catch her. If she found it easier to pretend he was still here, that things were still okay, could I really blame her? I almost envied her ability to pretend.

  Almost.

  "What did you do that was so bad?" Isabel asked jokingly, nudging Nathaniel's outstretched hand with her own. "You guys haven't fought yet. I was beginning to wonder if you ever would."

  I didn't know how to respond to the question.

  What had he done that was so bad?

  How about lead a mission that basically tried to exterminate anyone willing to fight for themselves back home?

  How about the fact that he was a heartless monster who was capable of torture?

  Who enjoyed it.

  Who enjoyed doing it to my brother.

  Who enjoyed murdering him.

  Thankfully I was saved from having to answer by Gabby.

  "He lead a mission that got our brother killed."

  "What?"

  "They found Liam locked up as a terrorist," I explained, my voice thick with pain. I tried to swallow the feeling.

  "They didn't give him a chance. They just… they killed him." I couldn't go into any more detail than that. I also didn't tell her who killed him. Come to think of it, I’d never told Gabby either.

  It was too much to think about. I didn't want to put it into that many words. I wanted to pretend that I hadn't placed that much trust in a murderer. In a madman. That I'd let him get close to me. That I'd let him kiss me.

  "What? What do you mean killed him?"

  I stayed mute while Gabby stared at the boy across the table from us, a small frown crossing her features.

  "That's not possible. We don't do that here." Isabel's outright denial, as disgusting as it was, felt like a jolt of electricity shot through my chest.

  I just looked at her for a second, my mind trying to comprehend what she had said.

  "You think we're lying? Why the hell would we make this up?"

  She levelled her gaze at me, eyes narrowing in stubborn defiance.

  "What do you think they do on their missions then," I snapped unable to help myself.

  How could she be so ignorant? I instinctively looked over at Nathaniel to see what he made of the whole situation. He was looking back at me with an expression of disappointment. I felt my eyebrows pull together in indignation.

  "Don't worry Isabel. Rosa was knocked unconscious during the rescue attempt. She's getting herself worked up and confused." What the hell was he talking about?

  "We only ever fight back in self defence," He continued, Isabel looking calmer and more reassured with every obnoxious claim.

  "Sometimes people just aren't ready to be saved. But we can't let them get in the way of the others. If they come at us with malicious intent we have to fight. We have the right to defend ourselves, do we not?" Isabel nodded, easily convinced it was some kind of misunderstanding. Almost eager to blame it all on me, my mind. I stared at the table in front of me, trying to understand what I was listening to.

  "As for her brother," my head snapped up to face him so quickly I almost heard my neck crack.

  "He was a terrorist. He admitted it to us. She must have blocked that part out. He admitted to being a Xiet and we had to deal with the situation as we saw fit."

  "You liar!" I screamed, slamming the entire cafeteria into silence. I had been much louder than intended, but I wouldn't — couldn't — just sit there and listen to these blatant and offensive lies.

  Everyone was looking at us. I shook with anger and grief, and knew it would be impossible to calm down with all of these eyes watching me. Watching me lash out at their next leader. This did not bode well for my future.

  Fortunately Gabby seemed to be more level headed than me, quickly turning the attention to our advantage.

  "Nathaniel," she addressed him, with all the formality of a complete stranger.

  "We would like to request the right to leave the compound. We would like to try to find our own way through the world. We appreciate all your help but we don't think this is the right lifestyle for us. We know we can't go into the more civilised parts of society, nor can we return from where we came. But we will not cope in an underground home and are willing to take our chances on our own."

  A public request to leave. Smart move.

  I hoped.

  If they denied us, or ignored us for that matter, they would need to have a very good list of reasons or they'd be seen as denying us our rights as human beings. Human rights had seemed more like a privilege than anything else back home in Palla. I had never been so grateful for their existence and enforcement in general society. Though I was pretty sure many of these 'rights' had been violated over the last couple of days. But how could they twist this to make us stay. In front of the entire cafeteria. With no warning.

  I had to block out the idea that they'd use this to their advantage and have us killed. Disposed of to stop causing issues. I had to hope their intense and corrupted belief that they were our saviours would prevent that from happening.

  For once Nathaniel actually looked concerned. He took in everyone around us and tried not to openly express his anxiety about what we'd just done.

  But I could see it.

  It burned in the back of his eyes.

  He was furious.

  "Of course. Come with me and I'll escort you out myself."

  The look on his face said he was going to be made to regret this decision later. That his parents were going to be seething. Infuriated with him because he hadn't found a better way to deal with us. To fix the situation. But he knew what they'd want to do with us. And whatever twisted feelings he claimed to have for me st
opped him from letting that happen. Even though he clearly didn't want us to leave.

  He would get in a world of trouble for this. His punishment, whatever it was, would be severe.

  I found I couldn't make myself care.

  EIGHTEEN

  Rae couldn't help but think that it was strange that, once again, he had to sneak out of his own house in the middle of the night just to find somewhere to sleep. But no matter how hard he tried, the sounds of moaning, groaning, and the rushed orders of the doctor were impossible to sleep through. Especially when he was being yelled at to wake up and deal with whatever emergency had decided to interrupt them in the late hours. It wasn't like he could just sleep late into the next day. He was needed then too. Even the thought of trying to skip work made his stomach sink.

  He couldn't justify hiding when the sun came out. He slept with the moon glowing in the sky. He slept when it was expected for a human being to seek rest and recovery from the hardships he faced during the sunlit hours. He had no excuse during the day.

  But despite it all, he still wanted to help people. He wanted to be able to heal them. Wanted to make some aspect of their crappy lives better. He couldn't imagine ignoring their cries for help in broad daylight.

  Not only that but he had responsibilities now. People actually relied on him, even though Dr. Fisher had started to train two new apprentices.

  The increase in Xiet attacks had propelled the need for medical attention to new heights. The battle that took place only a week or so prior had left many bleeding from deep bullet wounds, shot through like paper targets. And a great number were now dead. Rae spent most of his time trying to prevent people from bleeding out while Dr. Fisher attempted to dig out the lead.

  He tried not to think about how often they failed.

  Thankfully there were still people around who were willing to be trained to help with these kinds of things. The number of medics in training was rising as the days went on. For now.

  But even so, when it came to getting a fair amount of rest Rae was left to find somewhere that wasn't his home. He couldn't exactly complain about that. His house was once again filled to the brim with the sick, injured, and the dying. Most of the space that remained he offered up to their families and loved ones. It broke his heart to see all of these people struck down with fear and grief. He would have done anything to make things even slightly easier for them.

  He never wanted anyone to go through what he had. Not one single person.

  So he tried not to complain about the lack of privacy in his own home. He did, after all, have another safe place to go. Not many others could say the same.

  The hotel room he and Rosa used to spend time in was relatively secure, in retrospect, so he had taken to sleeping there. But while it was one of the safest places he could think of physically, whenever he was there he was prone to attacks of the emotional kind.

  It was difficult to look out over Palla and not imagine that Rosa was sitting there beside him, complaining that they really needed to bring some blankets out with them next time because it got too cold in this room when winter came. The broken windows and fractured doors did nothing to keep out the icy air, and rain continuously leaked through the ceiling. But at the same time, Rosa and Rae were aware they couldn't fix the place. It was practically inhospitable at times, and they often caught colds from hanging around the damp room during the winter months. And Autumn was fast approaching.

  It was something that had never failed to terrify Rosa's family, despite the recent healthcare improvements. There was such a deep rooted fear that the flu, the sickness that had decimated over half of the Pallan population, would return. The two friends were often seen as tempting fate. But the flu was before their time. It didn't reach them in a way it did others. They were still young enough to feel invincible.

  Rae shook the thoughts from his mind as he simultaneously ducked under one of the wooden planks blocking the doorway while stepping over the lower one, pulling himself through. There had once been a door. But the need for heat sources, and things that could be burnt for cooking, had driven most Pallans to scavenge for anything flammable that wasn't in use. Such as wood from deserted buildings.

  Rae remembered how Rosa had made him knock the door out of its frame last winter. And how he'd had a huge bruise on his shoulder for the next two weeks to show for it. But it was worth it. They had to keep themselves — and in Rosa's case her entire family — warm. And with the diminishing supply of gas and firewood it became more of a priority. A few months later Rosa had nailed up a couple of leftover boards in an attempt to ward off anyone who might have attempted to sneak up on them. It was a mild precaution against any surprise attacks. Rae hadn't had the heart to tell her that it wouldn't have been much help, if it was any at all.

  When the door had first been dismantled Rosa had kept the numbers, and as far as Rae knew, they were in a drawer somewhere in her house. But he didn't need the numbers to know where he was going.

  Room 206.

  Upper level.

  No balcony.

  One bathroom.

  Rosa had picked it. Claimed that the door looked the least like it had been busted open, so it might still have a couch. She'd sounded so excited at the possibility that Rae had keep his doubts to himself, just to see her smile last a little longer. Her years of scavenging had paid off and she'd been right, of course, as ridiculous as it was. She was always right.

  Rosa had always liked the upper floors. Being so away from everyone else… it seemed to help her handle it all.

  And anything that made her happy was fine by Rae.

  Despite where his thoughts wandered, Rae could never have expected what he saw when he turned his attention to the open space in the room.

  To the figures huddled against the wall by the window.

  ✽✽✽

  I'll never forget the look on Rae's face when he stepped through that broken doorway and just stopped. Halted in shock. One foot was still hooked over the lower of the two wooden planks. A black bag dropped from his hand.

  Something deep in his eyes, past the shock and relief — almost a sense of longing — stirred something in me. I felt like a bucket of ice water had been poured over me as I was reminded, once again, of how much I had missed him since we'd left.

  It almost physically hurt to see him.

  My eyes travelled over him, assessed every little change that had occurred since our separation. His dark hair was longer, almost falling into the green of his eyes. Faint stubble had grown in along his jaw, making him look older and more haggard than I'd remembered him being.

  I couldn't help but notice how thin he was. I didn't know if it was just because I'd gotten used to seeing the well-fed OTF soldiers, but it looked like he'd lost weight. Which was a dangerous sign. I could still see the way Liam had looked in his last moments. How thin, wasted away to almost nothing. I didn't want Rae to ever end up like that.

  Not one word was said in those first few moments.

  Then, like he'd just snapped out of a hypnotic trance, Rae lunged towards me, fell to his knees next to the couch, and wrapped his arms around me.

  Before I could blink his lips were on mine.

  Heat spread from every point of contact. Travelled down my arms and thawed the thick walls of ice I'd built around myself on the way back here.

  For the first time in what seemed like forever I felt safe.

  I had been so worried that something might have happened to him.

  But he was here.

  He was safe.

  He wasn't going to leave me. I couldn't handle it if I lost him too.

  My arms wrapped around his neck and I broke the kiss with a sob, leaning my head forward to cry into his shirt. The familiar smell of dust and smoke, mixed with a musky scent entirely his own, filled my senses. Even the new medicinal smell didn't make me move away.

  I never wanted to let go.

  However, my sister struggled to follow this turn of events. She'd been w
ary of this place when I'd suggested it, unsure about whether or not it was as safe as I'd claimed. Years of warnings against such buildings had made her hesitant, and I couldn't really blame her. But we didn't have the time to find anywhere else.

  We'd barely managed to find our way back at all. Nathaniel had us taken back to the spot where he'd first found us, and left us with our old bag and some food and water. It was the spot where Gabby had almost died. We'd been so far gone the last time we'd been there that we could barely figure out what direction we needed to go in order to get back to Palla. In the end we'd practically guessed, and it was only days later, when the shattered ruins that surrounded our home city appeared before us, that we knew for sure we were headed in the right direction.

  It was then that I'd suggested the hotel as a temporary safe haven, following with a promise that Rae would come and find us. Gabby had taken the leap and believed me. Even when I hadn't been so sure myself.

  "Um, hey?" She spluttered, looking at us slightly wide eyed.

  "I told her you'd show up," I muttered, my tears having just slowed to a stop.

  I was exhausted. All the grief I'd kept bottled up, away from where people could see it, had only just begun to pour out. We'd been in danger for so long that it almost hurt to be safe. I didn't know what I was supposed to do.

  Rae still looked a bit bewildered. Confused to be seeing Gabby and I sitting here, after we'd been gone for all this time.

  And then kissing me.

  And all of this was happening at some obscene hour in the middle of the night.

  I could hardly blame him.

  "How did… Why… When…" He cleared his throat.

  "What happened?" His voice was quiet, whispering in the muted darkness of the room.

  I leaned back and rested against the side of the couch. I tugged him by the arm to sit next to Gabby and I, forcing him from his knelt position.

  I looked over at my sister and saw a shimmer of sadness gloss over her eyes.

  ✽✽✽

  The sun was beginning to lighten the sky with its rays by the time we'd finished speaking. I'd found it too difficult to say a lot of what had happened and let Gabby do most of the talking, adding things only when we reached parts of the story where she'd been unconscious or absent. And that god forsaken battle. The shooting spree that'd had the nerve to claim it was for the good of our people.