Bright Cold Day

by Victoria Ryder

  Rae.

  That's right.

  He was here.

  And Gabby.

  Oh god, not Gabby.

  I must have said her name out loud because I could just make out Rae's rough voice responding.

  "She's outside. She's okay. She hasn't seen. She won't see." The panic that had flooded through my veins seemed to calm, along with the aggressive expulsions of my insides.

  I couldn't be in here.

  I couldn't breathe in here.

  I couldn't breathe.

  I couldn't.

  I couldn't.

  Rae hooked his hands under my arms and hauled me to my feet. He set me down facing away from the scene in the lounge.

  Seeing me wobble and almost crash back down to the floor, he picked me up and resolved to carry me out of there. My head rested against his chest, heavy with shock and exhaustion. I didn't have the brain power to think about, or even notice, the intimacy of the position. Every particle of my being was focused on breathing. On keeping my eyes open so I wouldn't traumatise my sister too badly.

  Hopefully.

  I needed her to be okay.

  She was the only family I had left and I needed her.

  The cold night air washed over my face, helped chase away the fumes of death that clung to me with iron fists. Helped me breathe again.

  "Rosa! What happened, is she okay?" Gabby questioned, her eyes on Rae even as she helped to steady me on my feet.

  "Yeah. I'm okay," my voice sounded blank to my own ears. Gabby kept her eyes on Rae as he stepped away from us.

  "I'll explain soon. Can you keep her out here for a moment? I'll grab some of your stuff."

  She grabbed Rae by the arm as he attempted to enter the house again. "What about Mum?"

  I sucked in a breath at her words, unwillingly drawing their attention.

  "I'll explain soon. I promise. Just please keep an eye on her."

  I briefly wondered how he could keep such a cool head in a situation like this. I had lost mine somewhere, I had no idea when. I wasn't too sure I wanted to find it again.

  I watched Rae numbly as he walked back into that house of nightmares. The bag Gabby and I had been carrying around for the past however many weeks dangled from his left hand as he disappeared from sight.

  Before I could even reach for my sister the tears were coming and I sank to the ground. She pulled me into her arms, and together we sat there outside the house we grew up in. We were the only ones left. And she didn't even know it yet.

  Why did this keep happening?

  How many people were going to die?

  TWENTY

  I was so tired. But every time I closed my eyes all I saw was my mum's body hanging limply from that goddamn ceiling fan.

  I didn't want to close my eyes.

  I was dimly aware of an arm as it wrapped itself around my shoulders. I leant into Rae's warmth. He always knew what I needed. I tugged the sleeves of his jacket down until they reached past my hands, balled up into fists. I took a deep breath, glad to be free of that smell.

  That smell.

  It had clung to me like some kind of ghost. Stuck to my clothes and hair, wove itself through like a thousand braids.

  We'd walked past the lake lining the eastern edge of Palla on the way back to the hotel. We'd taken a different route in an effort to avoid people seeing us. The sun had begun to rise, and people would have soon begun crawling through the streets like rats. We still couldn't let them see us. Though I wouldn't have fought if we'd been spotted.

  The lake was slow moving and often used by people as a water source for anything that didn't go in their mouths. Whether it was used for washing clothing or dishes, or collected in buckets for people to bring home and fill baths. You name it, the lake water washed it. Without running water and with limited rations, it was the best option we had.

  I could remember Mum lugging home container after container of it until she had enough to fill the old metal tub we'd kept stored in the attic. All summer children throughout Palla had been bathing straight in the lake. But I was too scared someone would see me naked. She'd spent an hour collecting and heating the water for me.

  I'd somehow forgotten that over the years.

  Without even thinking, when the faded midnight colour came into view I waltzed straight into the murky water and slipped under. I probably would have stayed there too, if it weren't for Rae. He'd plunged in after me and dragged me back out.

  Then Gabby watched me like a hawk as he stopped off at one of the other medic's houses to grab a couple of changes of clothes for us. Apparently they all kept spare clothing at each other's houses in the event of an emergency, or if an extended stay was required at any given time. Thankfully the girl, Amelia, was working back at Rae's house, so there was no extra need to be cautious or to sneak.

  That was how I'd ended up dressed in Rae's oversized clothes, with lake water drying in my dirty hair. I didn't even have it in myself to care.

  Eventually Rae unwound himself from me. He and Gabby had to go back to the house before the sun got too high and the whole city woke up. They needed to get everything from the supply box.

  That was one good thing I guessed.

  It made my heart contract to think about anything in this situation as good.

  After they left I stayed sitting exactly where they'd put me.

  When we'd first returned to the hotel Gabby had sat there with me as we'd cried and held each other close. Rae had done his best to explain to her what had happened while I'd been distracted changing out of my soaking wet OTF uniform and into the t-shirt and pants he'd handed me.

  His clothes didn't fit me well and I spent a good five minutes just trying to figure out how to keep the pants from falling down. Eventually I'd given up and used the belt that was a part of the OTF uniform. I didn't want to keep anything from that place. I didn't have much of a choice.

  Rae hadn't gone into too much detail, not wanting to overwhelm her when we were in such a precarious situation. I knew she deserved to know everything, that we'd have to tell her everything as soon as they got back and we were safe again.

  But these were things I would focus on later. I didn't know how to make the pain go away, and I didn't want Gabby to feel like this as well. I was sure she knew there was information missing from what Rae had told her. But she could also see what it'd done to me and was willing to give it a moment. To wait until there was more time to grieve.

  She always seemed to understand.

  Or maybe she just didn't really want to know every little detail about what I'd seen. I wished I could erase it from my memory.

  At that moment she had done her job as a big sister and taken charge of the situation. As good as anyone could have at least. It was her idea to go back for the supplies. She knew immediately that we'd need them. That we had to get to them before anyone else found out what had happened to our mother and they were confiscated. She had already begun thinking practically, thinking of ways to help keep us alive. She was always protecting me. Whether I was aware of it or not.

  I was startled from my position, where I'd sat staring blankly at the chipped paint on the wall opposite me, when Gabby crashed through the doorway, tripping on the lower plank of wood in her effort to avoid banging her head against the higher one. She was followed by a much steadier figure holding three large bottles of water and with our bag, now refilled with supplies, slung over one shoulder. Gabby held tight to another three bottles.

  "I'm sorry we took a bit longer. We had to trade in the cards for the water. But don't worry, no one saw me. Rae did it while I hid around the back of the building." She might have been holding it together better than me, but there was something forced in the normality of her tone. It was like there was something vital missing from her.

  I just nodded slowly before turning back to my spot on the wall. I could feel her eyes on me for a few seconds before she turned to the small kitchenette area and dumped the bottles she held onto the benc
h. She grabbed the remaining three, one at a time, from Rae and lined them up against each other. The backpack went on the ground against the wall, unemptied. Perhaps she just didn't want to have to pack it again.

  "Well, we haven't eaten in like three days, so I'm going to go hunt down some cooking utensils." I wasn't sure if she did it to give Rae and I a chance to talk, or because she wanted a moment to herself, to process the catastrophic thing that had just occurred in our lives. Or if she really just wanted to cook. She'd always been the one to cook for us. She claimed that it was calming. Said that it helped her feel like she was doing something important for our family. I could hardly argue. In my opinion feeding people was the most important thing you could do. And if it helped to keep her calm then maybe it was what she needed right now.

  As soon as her footsteps disappeared down the hallway Rae approached and sat on the couch next to me.

  "Are you okay?"

  I blinked slowly. Didn't move.

  "Have I ever been?"

  I could feel his eyes searching my face like twin beams of light. Seeing everything, even the things I fought to hide in the shadows.

  "I like to think things haven't always been completely horrible."

  A dry laugh escaped me.

  "How can you even entertain the thought?" I turned to look at him and swallowed past the bitterness in my voice. Met his steady gaze with my own mildly crazed one.

  "We live in the middle of a war. People bomb us. We're shot at. And not just by the Xiets. It seems like everyone wants to break us. People who say they want to save us end up killing us, and apparently it's justified. We've spent our whole lives running in circles, like animals trapped in a ring. Nothing but a circus performance. We're being chased by something and there's nowhere we can go." I took a deep, shuddering breath and fought to keep my voice steady.

  "Let's not forget the millions of eyes looking in on us. Watching. And not doing anything to open the gate of this cage. They'd rather let us live in constant fear until we die," my voice broke on the final word. Faltering on the truth no one was willing to accept.

  "Why are you saying this?"

  "Because it's true!" I shouted back at him. We'd both risen to our feet at this point and stood facing each other. It felt like there was an invisible barrier keeping us apart. It pushed me away from him. Rae's face was tinged red and the colour grew stronger with each passing second.

  He didn't want to yell at me. I could see it. He was trying so hard not to snap.

  "Don't push me away Rosa," His voice was even when he finally broke the tense silence.

  "You don't have enough people left to be doing that." I could hear the sympathy in his voice. And I didn't like it.

  "I can't do this anymore Rae," a sob leaked out of my throat. "I can't. It hurts too much. Everyone keeps dying, or killing, and I just can't do it anymore." I sank down to my knees and tugged on the roots of my hair.

  "Rosa, come on. You have to keep going. You can't give up now. Please." Without looking up I knew he was right there, on the floor next to me. Offering more comfort than I really deserved.

  "What's the point?" Everyone would continue to kill each other. It didn't matter what I said or did. Xiet, Pallan, 'saviour', or random citizen of Earth. We were all just as bad as each other. Whether there was blood painted on our hands or we stood by while someone else dipped their fingers in it. We were all to blame.

  "The point is that there are still people who need you. Gabby needs you. She's lost everyone else she could ever turn to, don't make her lose you too. Don't do that to her. To me. I need you. I can't let you leave us. Not when we haven't got anything else. Not ever."

  I looked up and met his gaze. A watery smile broke out on my face.

  "But I won't be able to handle it if I lose you too."

  "Then why do you think we could. That I could."

  He leaned forward and put his arms around me again, pulled me close. Warmth surrounded me, soaked into my bones.

  Tears slipped down my face. Dripped and soaked into the scratchy old carpet. I might not have had much to hold onto in this cruel place anymore, but at least I had something. I had my sister. I had Rae.

  I couldn't let myself forget that.

  Even when the rest of the world seemed to have forgotten about us, I couldn't. There had to be a reason I'd made it this far. Maybe there was reason I had lost so much. Or rather, had so much stolen from me.

  It was hard to convince myself of that when I could still smell the rotten scent that had clouded up in my house. When I could still hear the sound of fists hitting my brothers broken body. See the red rings around Rae's own eyes when he'd first come to us after his entire family had been taken from him.

  It should never have been like that.

  Liam should have been sitting on the couch in our living room, laughing with Gabby. The two of them teasing each other and fighting over the T.V. remote. Rae and I should have been sitting at the kitchen table, complaining loudly about the homework we'd been unfairly given while not doing any of it. The two sets of parents rolling their eyes at us. Rae's little brother playing a game on some handheld device. My dad ordering far more pizza than would be needed for even such a large group of people.

  Sometimes I think it might not be so hard if I didn't know what I was missing out on. But bombing the borders of a city didn't erase everything inside of it. Old magazines, books, and for a while (when the electricity was still working properly) movies and television shows.

  Now it all sits there as a reminder of what we can't have.

  What we apparently didn't deserve.

  From the things Mum used to mutter about, things like that were still possible when she was a little girl. I had vague memories of Dad telling me about the days of eating until you were stuffed. Of laughing at the people acting on screens I'd never once seen so much as a picture on.

  As time went on things just got worse, and more stuff got cut out from our lives. Eventually our hope was too. Or at least mine was.

  I couldn't sit around anymore and wait for someone else to save me. Clearly that method wasn't working too well. I was going to have to save myself. I was going to have to save my family.

  I had no idea how I was going to do it, but this time nobody was going to be left behind. I couldn't trust the world to protect the people I loved. I had to do it myself. Or die trying. And if that meant I was going to die someday soon, in a blaze of fire, a shot of a gun, a vicious act of brutality… Then so be it. That would mean it was my time.

  But I wasn't going to die a coward. The rest of the world could succumb to that fate. If they were going to stand by and wait for us to die out, I would take matters into my own hands. They didn't get to leave us to die and have us cooperate.

  My family was going to be okay from now on. I was going to make sure of it. I was going to take care of what was left of them.

  And I couldn't leave Mum alone in our empty house either. Not the way she was. My stomach heaved at the thought, threatening to spill its non-existent contents. I loved her too much for that to be her final resting place.

  "I'm sorry Rae. I couldn't leave you even if I wanted to," I spoke quieter now.

  "You'd better not," was the whispered response from somewhere above my head.

  "Rae?" I mumbled into the fabric of his shirt.

  "Yeah?"

  "We need to bury my mum," my breathing hitched, preparing to take the plunge.

  "What?" He leaned back slightly to take in the sight of my tortured face.

  "She can't stay there. She just can't," I was whispering through the tears, trying to control myself. He hushed me gently.

  "Okay. I'll figure something out. We'll get through this Rosa."

  We had to.

  TWENTY ONE

  When Rae returned to his post at the medic station later that morning the first thing he did was send a group of three people to check up on my mum. Apparently people still felt sorry for her, had turned her into a victim in
their minds. Well, I guess they'd had to be right about something eventually. Though they were under the impression she'd been abandoned when her children had been discovered as Xiets and left her to fend for herself. So they were only half right.

  We were actually driven out of Palla by their impulsive cruelty.

  Regardless, they still respected her enough that they would be willing to give her a proper burial.

  I knew it would be far better than anything we'd have ever been able to give her, with just the three of us having to hide under the cover of night. And she deserved better. But it hurt that I wasn't there with her. That I wouldn't be there to see the coffin lowered. Someone had built one out of rough scraps of wood. It was likely intended for someone else. But apparently they weren't dead yet and didn't need it. There'd be time to make a replacement. I hated that she had a borrowed coffin.

  But at least she had one.

  People held some kind of twisted respect for her. She had been a walking warning of what could happen. Her husband had died, right in front of her. Her child had turned out to be a traitor, and the other two were even worse. She was abandoned by her family and haunted by her past. I wasn't all that surprised to see the large number of people who went to the small service. Even though a gathering like that broke numerous rules.

  The only comfort I could give myself was that she wasn't really there. I refused to believe that her soul, or whatever it was that made her who she was, was trapped in that broken host. There was no way that life was stuck in death. They had to call it release for a reason. Maybe she was gone from here, but that didn't mean she hadn't gone somewhere else. Somewhere better.

  She must have.

  Maybe now she could be happy again. With Dad and Liam. Her family was slowly coming together again. In a different place. One where no one would be able to hurt them anymore.

  I sat with my sister on the windowsill and looked out over the city. From my angle I could just make out the crowd of people, one of which I knew to be Rae.

  The funeral was in session.

  Gabby reached out and gripped my sleeve with her fingers. The corners of my mouth tipped up slightly in thanks. I was unbelievably lucky to still have her. After all this crap at least I still had a sister. She was still here with me. I had to block out the sharp stabbing panic that came along with that thought. Because thinking about it wasn't going to help anything. It would always be a possibility that I could lose her too.