My Body-His

by Blakely Bennett

  “I promise,” I said but wasn’t sure I meant it. I saw her shoulders relax and I sighed in relief.

  * * * *

  The drive back to Luke’s apartment—our apartment—had me brimming with anxiety. I parked by the building and sat in the car stoking my courage. I had just decided to get it over with, when a knock on the window scared the hell out of me. Looking out the passenger side, I saw Luke standing there. I got out of the car and walked toward him. My stomach was twisted in knots and I felt close to tears.

  “Hi, babe,” he said. “I was starting to worry about you.” He pulled me in and engulfed me in a warm hug.

  “I thought you were mad at me,” I said. My voice sounded young and scared.

  “Something you should know about me: I never stay mad for long. Anyway, you were right that I said I would answer your questions about my work and I was right that you need to let go of the jealousy thing and trust in us. We are an ‘us,’ you know, and I like ‘us’ very much. So trust in the safety you feel in my arms and everything will be fine.”

  I wanted to believe what he told me. I needed to trust the way I felt in his arms. I wanted to know that I was truly the one to him and not just one of many. He walked me upstairs into our place. I knew that only time would reveal the truth. Time would be the judge and executioner. I decided to give time a fighting chance.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  A week passed and we settled into a routine. He granted me permission to wear my running clothes in the apartment when I used the treadmill. That felt like a minor victory. I would get up early in the morning and run before work. Luke slept in. While I showered, Luke would wake up and make breakfast, including strong coffee I soon came to appreciate. We would eat silently while he read the paper and I devoured my newest novel. Every day I would head off to work with a smile on my face.

  Luke filled my every thought. How I managed to get anything done in my haze, I do not know.

  Our daily ritual included sex. He consistently found new ways to tie me down and get me off. His imagination seemed limitless. I managed to avoid any more discipline during that first week of cohabitation and almost believed we were in a normal relationship. Almost.

  * * * *

  “I’m going to Japan on Monday and will be home on Sunday,” Luke said.

  “What?” I said. I threw my hands up in the air. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

  “What would be the point?”

  “To help me prepare myself, I guess. How long have you known?”

  “I’ve known since before we met.”

  “What the hell?”

  “Jane …” His voice was stern.

  “I don’t understand this. You think it’s a normal thing for a boyfriend to tell a girlfriend just two days before he leaves? Why did you keep this from me?” I felt so infuriated and his apparent lack of awareness of my anger left me even more incensed.

  “Quit your job and come with me,” he said.

  “No chance. First, I don’t plan on leaving my job, which I’ve already told you, and second, even if I did, I would give two weeks’ notice. So have fun.” I sat down on the couch, naked as the day I was born, and crossed my arms over my chest.

  “Oh, I will. No doubt about it.” He grabbed my thighs roughly to spread them.

  I just looked at him and watched him walk away.

  We didn’t have sex that night for the first time since we had moved in together. I acted angry but felt more scared than anything. How would I manage a week without him? He had become my obsession, my fulfillment, my freedom from the lonely days and boring nights.

  By Sunday I had let go of my fear and anger and looked forward to the first entire day Luke would spend with me since we had met.

  “Put on your running clothes,” he said as he rummaged through his drawers. He dressed in running shorts and a tank top.

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  “You shall see,” he said, taking my hand and leading me out the door.

  We got into his black Honda S2000 two-seater that looked a lot like a Porsche.

  “Wow, nice car,” I said. He kept it impeccably clean on the inside as well as on the outside.

  “I’ve told you that money is of no consequence. I do hope you’ll think about leaving your job while I’m away.”

  “I’ll think about it,” I said.

  I tried desperately to forget that I would be driving him to the airport before work the next day.

  “How do you know where I usually run on the beach?” I said as we pulled into the parking lot.

  “Oh, is this the place?” he said.

  My stomach churned as he walked over to the area I typically stretched. I couldn’t be sure if my stomach responded to the fact that Luke knew exactly where I ran without me telling him or the fact that we might cross paths with Scott. But as soon as we starting running and found that our strides suited each others’, I had completely let go of any anxiety.

  Somehow running with Luke made me love him even more. It flashed a beacon of commonality that I so desperately needed. After the run, we enjoyed breakfast at Coral Rose Café. He made it so easy to be with him. The world fell away when he looked at me. There were no tables or waitresses, no customers around, only Luke bringing me into his world, his sphere of existence. Nothing else mattered. Life felt wonderful and whole. I stopped and stared a moment at Luke, taking him in. I could see the energy that animated him, as if the energy itself provided a force field that pulsated around him. His sandy brown hair hung across his broad forehead, framing the gray eyes that had conquered me. I breathed a sigh of relief that he had chosen me, plain Jane.

  Later that night I felt inspired to write. I hadn’t been much into using the computer, except at work. Friends had given up emailing me after a while because it would take days, sometimes weeks before I’d respond. I found all the forwards one had to wade through annoying and really hadn’t gotten into all the IM-ing everyone else seemed to enjoy. I wasn’t technology-challenged, just less interested than most to use my computer apart from work.

  On Sunday all of that changed. I felt inspired to describe our lovemaking experience. I’d had such an amazing orgasm I felt that, if I didn’t chronicle it in some real way, I’d forget all the details and it would be as if it never happened. I snuck out of bed and went into the living room. I planned to search for a pad I’d previously seen in the kitchen and select a pen from the cup on the counter; however, Luke had conveniently left his computer out and still logged on. I loaded up Word and began to write:

  After breakfast we spent the rest of that day shopping and later dined out again before returning home. The outfits Luke picked out and bought for me were far more stylish and sexy than any I’d ever owned. He also purchased three pairs of what he referred to as ‘practical’ shoes. I liked the brown sandals the best.

  When we finished unloading the groceries and clothes Luke said, “Let’s shower and fuck.”

  I smiled broadly. We had established a shower routine. As the shower couldn’t accommodate both of us, I’d shower first and he’d get in after me.

  We dried off, combed through our hair and walked into the bedroom. There we lay naked in bed, gazing at each other and touching. He ran his hands over my body slowly and thoroughly.

  “You have sexy legs, very soft and smooth,” Luke said.

  “And may I say you know exactly how to touch me.”

  “We were made for each other, Jane. And once you come to fully trust me you will see how well I know your body.”

  Luke moved me onto my side facing him and we wrapped our legs around each other. Cupping my head in his hand, he lowered his lips to mine. During a long and passionate kiss, our tongues danced around as we explored each other’s mouths. He had a way of breathing in my lower lip and taking it gently between his teeth that caused me to gasp. In the early throes of our lovemaking, he planted kisses down my neck, sucking and biting his way to the hard, protruding nipple that craved his mouth
. He did not disappoint. He had a way of drawing in my nipple that combined suckling with intense pressure that made me arch my back and cry out. He pushed my upper shoulder away so he could reach my other breast. Cupping it in his large hand, he brought my deep red nipple up to meet his lowered mouth.

  “I love your big nipples, my Janey,” he whispered in a husky voice.

  “They love you, too,” I cooed.

  For a time, we lay in each other’s embrace and listened to the sound of our blended breathing. Finally he moved my top leg so that it lay over his side, spreading my legs wider, and began to play with my swollen clit. He then guided my hand and I awkwardly resisted the direction, mistaking his intentions. I thought he wanted me to take over stimulating my clitoris but he had other plans. He moved my hand between my buttocks, guided my finger into my ass, and pushed it in as deep as I could manage in that position. I felt self-conscious about touching myself in that way.

  He roughly grabbed my hair and pulled my head back. “Jane?” he said. “Baby, insert another finger in your ass for me,” he said softly, but I realized the request was a demand. He played with my clit while he sucked and nibbled my neck. He took control of my hand and pushed it in deeper, in and out of my ass. “Another finger,” he said. The combined stimulation of the pressure on my clit and Luke using my own fingers to fuck me made me scream out my pleasure, “Oh god, oh that’s good, oh, oh my … Luke!”

  His physical strength engulfed me.

  “Yes, babe, I know what you need,” he said as he tightened his grip. “Remember that while I’m gone.”

  “Ohhhhh my god!” I screamed, as the forceful contractions took over my body.

  After I recovered, he lay back and maneuvered me so that I knelt over his lap. As I rode his cock, he directed my hips downward, rubbing my clit against his pubis on every stroke.

  “Tell me when you are ready to cum again,” he said, looking directly into my eyes.

  “Ummmm,” I said. Our eyes locked and I knew I’d never truly connected with another person before Luke. His look held me, opened me.

  The wetness between us made it easy to increase the pace.

  I muttered primal, guttural sounds as I got closer and closer to orgasm. “Luke, oh Luke, I am so going to cum, LUKE, NOW!”

  “Oh yes, babe, cum for ….” He roared into me, through me. He pulled me in, held me tightly, only relaxing with each wave that he released into me.

  I lay on his chest, my frantic breathing finally beginning to slow down. I never wanted to move from that spot. I couldn’t stand the thought of him flying off the next day. I didn’t want to have a week to think of all that had happened so quickly. I knew I’d see my friends and probably suffer through a meal with my mother, but all I wanted to do was to stay right there.

  I closed the computer, still feeling the energy from writing my journal entry, and returned to bed with Luke. I curled up next to him, keeping my hands to myself with some difficulty. I knew he needed rest.

  In the morning I felt less anxious about his departure and looked forward to sharing my writing with him. “Last night,” I said, “after we made love, I borrowed your computer and wrote about it. You had left it open, I hope that’s okay.”

  “Did I say it was okay for you to touch my things?” he said, grabbing his computer off the coffee table and moving it to the counter.

  He spent several frantic minutes searching through applications before his shoulders relaxed and a sigh came through his parted lips.

  “Well, no,” I finally replied, “but I didn’t think you’d mind. I only opened Word, wrote my story, and then saved it to a folder I labeled ‘Jane.’ I’m sorry if I upset you.”

  “You owe me for this. I thought I’d been clear. My things belong to me and require my permission for your use. I don’t let anyone use my computer. If you need money to get your own—”

  “Well no, I mean, I don’t use a computer all that much.”

  “Do you not have your own laptop?”

  “No.”

  “Get one while I’m gone. I want to be able to email you from Japan. You owe me for this, Jane. Know that. When I come back you will see just how much. I had hoped we’d have a sweet morning goodbye, but I can see that’s not happening. I’ll call a car to come get me. You’ll hear from me in a few days. Here’s my email address,” he said, handing me a business card. “Email me once you’ve gotten the new computer. Oh, and Jane? Leave my things alone while I’m gone and do not answer the phone.” He took out his cellphone and made a quick call.

  “Luke wait,” I said when he’d finished with the call. “Please don’t leave like this. It’s going to be hard enough without you here. Please don’t leave mad at me. Maybe if you read the story you will see—”

  “There is a certain amount of respect and common sense I expect from you. I will cool off, but right now, I need to leave for the airport. Have a good week,” he said matter-of-factly. He walked over to me, kissed me on the head, and headed out the door.

  I just stood there in shock. My throat felt constricted and I desperately needed to talk to someone. I flipped the business card in my hand, over and over again. I knew I had to get ready for work. I placed Luke’s card on my end table.

  I went through the motions of getting ready. For the first time I didn’t need to be naked in the apartment, but it felt strange not to follow the rules. Luke and I never discussed having people over so I couldn’t be sure if he’d allow it.

  Just how brainwashed am I? I thought. Allow?

  The thought angered me and motivated me to get going. I left for work determined to buy a laptop and send an email to Luke telling him how I felt.

  CHAPTER NINE

  I settled into the hectic activity of a typical Monday. When I looked up at the clock again both hands were straight up. I walked by Allison’s office and said, “Hey there. How about some lunch?”

  “Sounds great,” she said, closing her computer and retrieving her purse. Her loose skirt swayed to and fro as she made her way around the desk.

  “Do you mind if we go to the place across the street instead of the pub?” I asked, not making direct eye contact.

  “All right. Are you okay, Jane? You seem stranger today than usual,” Allison said with a laugh. “Seriously though, how are you doing?”

  “Relationship problems,” I said as I headed for the door. “Feeling confused and a little bit lost. How long have you been with your fiancé?”

  “Oh, I didn’t know you were seeing anyone …. We’ve been together two years,” Allison said to my back as she followed me to the elevator.

  “How long did it take for you to know he was the one for you?” We stepped in as the doors opened.

  “Two years,” she said with a wry smile. “Relationships aren’t easy. You’re constantly negotiating each other’s needs and wants against your own. Deciding who gets to be right which time.”

  “That sounds pretty grim, Allison.”

  “Not really. You can call it anything you want but ultimately it’s negotiating a shared life with another person. Sometimes people get really lucky and find someone that’s enough like them so that the negotiations are minimal. Too many times though, it’s usually one person who gives in most of the time. Not much of a negotiation.”

  “What about the old adage, ‘opposites attract’?” I asked. We had made our way across the street and down a block.

  “My experience is that it makes for great sex but not so great relationships. Way too much negotiating,” she said as we were seated. “Is that what you’re dealing with? Opposites?”

  “No, well, maybe. It’s more his moods.” I paused and said, “Thank you,” to the waitress as she handed me the menu. As I looked it over, I told Alison, “One minute he’s so there and warm and affectionate, but then something happens and a massive draft of cold air blows in, heralding the impending ice age.”

  “I know exactly what you mean. Men have a different way of dealing with their emotions and y
ou just have to figure out a way of not letting their mood affect yours.”

  “How do you do that?” I said.

  “You have to find a place in yourself where you can allow him to act out and it can still be okay. Not saying it’s easy, but regardless of who you’re involved with, you—and all women—need that skill.”

  “Really? Do you believe that?” I said, still staring at my menu but not really seeing it.

  “Absolutely. I couldn’t survive my relationship, let alone my impending marriage, without it.”

  We placed our orders and waited in silence until Allison said, “Want to tell me what happened with your guy?”

  “It’s silly, really. I used his computer without asking him. I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it was to him.” I shrugged my shoulders and looked up at her.

  “Did he tell you not to use his things?” she asked with her eyebrow raised.

  “Well, not directly, but let’s just say it was implicitly implied.”

  “Well, then, I would apologize and let it go. Don’t use his stuff without asking and that problem is solved.” She swiped her hands a few times to indicate that we had solved another mystery of the world and placed them in her lap. She looked up at me with a twinkle in her eyes.

  I smiled. “Yeah, I get your point. I need to get my own laptop today. Any ideas?”

  “Costco maybe?” she said as the waitress placed the steaming stir-fry between our place settings.