Saving Barrette

by Shey Stahl

  I’m at my dorm room when she makes a humph sound. “That sucks.”

  “Yeah, it does.”

  “Can I see you when you get back?”

  I smile and breathe in. At least she doesn’t hate me after my temper tantrum the other night. “I’d like that.”

  “It’s a date then….” And then she gasps. “Well, I just mean, a date as in a plan. Not like a boyfriend-slash-girlfriend way.”

  I laugh again and flop down on my bed. “Barrette?”

  “Yeah.”

  “It’s okay to call me your boyfriend.” I wish we were saying this in person, but I guess I might as well just say it now.

  “I didn’t, I mean….” Her words trail off in a jumbled mess before she growls.

  “What’s wrong?”

  She doesn’t answer for a moment, and I can just imagine her chewing on her lip and worrying about what to say next. “You make me crazy.”

  I pinch my eyebrows together and sit up. “Uh, okay. What’s that mean?”

  “I just mean you make my heart go crazy and I lose my words.” She sniffs and I think she’s crying. Panic hits my chest and I flip the phone over to Facetime. She growls again but accepts it. “Damn you!”

  “Sorry, but I had to see your face for this next part.”

  Barrette scrunches her nose up and rolls her eyes like she knows what’s coming, but asks, “What part?” anyway.

  “The part where I tell you that you’re more than a girlfriend and you know that. You’re, in the cheesiest way I can explain it, everything to me.”

  And she’s crying, her attention on her door when there’s a knock at it. “I have to go. Joey’s here.”

  “Barrette?” I ask again, grinning.

  She looks down at the phone and tucks her hair behind her ears. “What?”

  “I love you.”

  She wipes tears from her eyes. “I love you.”

  Opening the door, I hear her invite Joey in. I’m quick and strip my shirt off. “Barrette?”

  “Jesus.” She looks down at the phone. “What now?”

  I smile and tilt the phone lower so she can see my chest and stomach. “If you decide you need a break, call me tomorrow and we can you know, make use of Facetime again.”

  “Oh, I….” She swallows visibly, her eyes on my chest, and her mouth opens in a tiny gasp.

  Joey takes the phone. “So that’s what Lawson looks like without a shirt.” She hands the phone back to Barrette. “Does he have a twin brother?”

  Barrette starts giggling. “No.” And then she looks at me, narrowing her eyes and pointing her finger at the screen. “I have to go make Joey’s parents love me and adopt me. Stop teasing me.”

  She finally hangs up on me because I won’t stop talking and then I smile because fuck, it felt good to flirt with her. I can’t remember the last time we had a conversation like that.

  I THINK ABOUT driving home that night, but it’s late when I get done with practice. The room is quiet, Terrell having flown home on a red-eye flight to see his mom in Baton Rouge for Thanksgiving. He’ll spend most of his time on a plane, but he says it’s worth it to spend time with his mom even if it’s just for a meal.

  I have to agree with him. I’d love to spend even just an hour with my mom. I think about flying back to Ohio soon, but I know given my extreme moodiness these days, it’s probably not a great idea given how I left that state.

  Speaking of my mood, as I’m sure you can guess, I don’t talk to Roman. Hell, I don’t even acknowledge him, on or off the field. I control the plays, and for him, that’s bad news when he’s looking for yards. Fuck that guy.

  Early Thursday morning, I head home.

  The moment I’m out of my car, my thoughts drift back, as if they never left, to Barrette. I think about calling her but decide against it.

  I get back home in under two hours, which is pretty good considering the holiday traffic. I head up to my room and set my bag on my bed. It looks the same as it did when I left it in late July. I open my bag and pull out a couple hoodies and jeans. I throw my Husky hoodie on and then find my hat. As I stand there in my room and watch the sky turn lighter knowing the snow is on the way, I hear heavy breathing and the patter of little feet. It’s my favorite little monster. I smile when I feel the tug on my jeans and reach down to pick her up.

  I hold her close to my chest. “How’s my girl doing?”

  Livia smiles at me, reaching for my hat. She says something, but who knows what that might be. It’s more of the toddler noise I can’t understand just yet.

  “How are you, pretty girl? Keeping out of trouble?”

  I don’t expect her to talk, but she starts saying something and acting like I should know. I hear a knock and Carlin appears at my door. She smiles, taking in the sight of us. “She misses you when you’re gone.”

  I set Livia down on my bed and sit beside her. She goes through my entire bag digging out clothes and the football I have in there. With a smile, I watch her eyes light up as she rolls the ball around on the bed. “I thought she would forget me.”

  “She’ll never forget you, Asa.” Carlin sits down beside Livia and runs her hand through her blonde curls. “Every Saturday afternoon she’s glued to our television with your dad.”

  I snort. “He watches my games?”

  “He never misses one.”

  I don’t know why, but it surprises me that my dad watches my games. He wanted me to play for Oregon or even Ohio State where he went. Never for the Huskies. Wasn’t even on his radar. He didn’t think I’d get the attention I needed to go pro playing for UW. It wasn’t about going pro for me; it was about being with Barrette. I almost let the scholarship go after the accident, but I was committed at that point, and I never back out of a promise. I went because Barrette needed to get away from this town and I knew there I could protect her.

  I think Carlin can see how tired I am and what the last month has done to me. “Are you okay? School and football getting to you?”

  Looking down at Livia, she’s handing me a hat, so I take off the one I have on and put the one she gives me on top of my head, all the while she’s giggling like we are sharing a secret between just the two of us. She does this twice more before I answer Carlin; it’s my way of stalling. I’m not okay.

  “No… it’s just been a rough month.”

  “I can tell. How’s Barrette doing? I’ve been meaning to call her and check-in. I put together a care package for her. Just girly stuff to make her feel better. I’ll give it to you before you leave.”

  I run my hand through my hair and exhale a heavy breath. “It’s day by day with her. I just… I try to be there as much as I can for her, but sometimes, I don’t think I’m enough.”

  “Unfortunately, Asa, it might always be that way for her for the rest of her life.”

  I nod, thankful she said that to me. From the day I held Barrette in the shower, I knew her life, and mine would never be the same. I understood that at any moment, even if she was happy, darkness could creep back in and she’d be back to square one. She couldn’t, even when she tried, just snap out of it. I had to give her time. Her time frame, not mine, and I needed to let go of the fact that if she didn’t want to report it, I couldn’t make her.

  Carlin reaches for my hand. “You’re exactly the kind of friend she needs.”

  I’ve never given Carlin the credit she deserves. I’m curious to know how she even puts up with my dad, but she’s a good woman and I know I’ve never given her a chance to be a mother to me, though she’s been a better parental figure than my dad has been over the years.

  I DON’T DO much Thanksgiving Day, but I do offer to head into town to help Carlin pick up some last-minute things at the store. Needing to clear my head, I look up the one grocery store in Olympia that happens to be open. But I don’t go there just yet. I make a stop. The moment I round the inlet and set sight on the towering pine trees, Barrette’s words come to mind.

  I can’t give you closure.


  I still can’t shake it, and then I think, maybe, if I return to the woods, maybe I might find closure there. When my mom died, I went home to our house and lay in her garden. In the middle of the backyard with bugs and birds attacking me, I’d lain down and looked up at the sky. I’d felt at ease knowing she wasn’t in any pain any longer.

  So I make the incredibly bad decision to head out to the water by Roman’s parents’ house. Guess who came home for Thanksgiving? Yeah, that motherfucker.

  Lucky for me, most of the woods on the inlet are public land so I won’t get caught for trespassing. You know damn well he’d call the police on me at this point.

  The walk through the woods is eerily familiar, only it’s different. It’s cold, wet, and muddy. Moss covers the tree trunks in every corner, and I think about turning back because I can barely breathe let alone not shake to death with how cold it is today. A layer of frost clings to the breaks in trees, giving the ones that have fallen to the ground a slippery grip.

  I know the exact spot it happened. I’ll never forget it. With a sigh, I lay down on the ground where I found her and think to myself, this a new level of fucked-up. What the fuck is wrong with me? “You’ve lost your mind,” I tell myself, sitting up.

  I feel something sharp under my hand and lift it immediately, looking down. Nothing cut me but when I look at the ground, that’s when my heart stops beating. Hell, the entire fucking world stops in that moment. Nothing. No air. No sounds… it could have ended, and I wouldn’t have known.

  It’s a hat. A familiar one. And though I know this could be just a coincidence, it’s not. I rip it up out of the ground from under the leaves it’d been buried in. A purple North Thurston Rams hat.

  Do you know where this is going? No? Pay close attention to this next part.

  I don’t want to be right. I don’t, but something tells me my discovery is spot. Fucking. On.

  With hatred in my steps, I make my way through the woods and to Roman’s door. I pound my fist into the door. His dad answers, tries to make small talk and invite me in. Remy hugs me, as does his mom, but they can tell by the way I’m shaking, something’s up.

  “Where’s Roman?” I bark, barely able to get the words out as I grip the hat in my hands. I take a breath and look down, noticing my clenched hand is trembling.

  Roman walks into the room. He sees me, rolls his eyes, and then steps onto the front deck closing the door behind me. His body is tense, his face pale as he looks at the hat, then me. “You bring back my shirt, now my hat… what’s next, my used condoms?”

  “I want you to tell me why.”

  He groans and flops his head to the side. “What are you talking about?”

  I toss his hat on the ground at his feet. Calm down, fucker. Calm down before you lose it. We’re silent for a long moment. I step toward him, inches from his face. Silence falls between us. It’s heavy and loud, or maybe it’s just in my head. My body sizzles with adrenaline, my voice shaking when I say, “You have one option. You turn yourself in.”

  “Or what?” Roman asks, a bitter edge to his words, his face blank and masking his emotions. “A fucking hat doesn’t prove shit, Asa.” His eyes slide over my face contemplating his next move. “I live here, or did you forget? Just because you found my hat in the woods doesn’t mean I had anything to do with it.”

  Did you catch the slip?

  Snow hits my face and makes me regret the words, “Let’s go to Bellingham.”

  In the winter, it’s so cold and usually covered under a thick layer of snow. I love snow, though. It’s peaceful and everything I needed. “Your parents are the best!”

  “They are.” Joey smiles as her dad, who has two little boys attached to his legs and a squirt gun in his hand spraying down the basketball court so they can slide on the ice.

  “Do they know?” I don’t have to expand on my vagueness for her to understand. She knows.

  “Yeah, they unfortunately had to take me in for a while when I went through my ‘shock and awe’ phase.”

  “The what?”

  Joey adjusts her black scarf around her neck and shivers, wrapping her arms around her waist when the wind picks up. “You’d think with my layer of beauty I’d be warmer, but I’m not.” And then she looks over at me, a sadness in her eyes. “I went through every motion you did. I was sixteen and didn’t know any better. So afterward, I basically shut down for months. The only reason I’m not a crackhead or in a mental hospital is because of my parents.”

  “The only reason I’m not your roommate there is because of Asa.” We laugh, even though it’s not funny, but it is when you know what we’ve been through. I’ve never asked her this, and I can’t help the way my voice shakes when I ask, “Did you get the test done?”

  She shakes her head. “I didn’t know at the time that it was a possibility. It was a small hospital and I simply went in for a cut on my neck and left. It was days later when I finally told my parents. I didn’t know the guy, and by the time I could do something about it, the test would have been inconclusive.”

  I nod.

  “Barrette, you’re never going to heal completely unless you step up and say to yourself, I’m ready to put this behind me.”

  “Do you think I should report it?”

  “I think you should do what makes you comfortable.”

  I snort, blowing warm air into my hands. I breathe in, the smells of Thanksgiving all around me, and I’m really glad I’m here because at least this isn’t a tofu turkey like my parents’ cook. This turkey her parents are smoking is thirty pounds and all meat. I can’t remember the last time I was this excited. “My parents made a tofu turkey once.”

  Joey stares at me like I just told her Santa Clause was fake. “You poor, deprived tiny person.”

  I think back to Joey’s comment about her “shock and awe” phase. “So what do you mean shock and awe?” A shiver works its way through me and Joey laughs. We go inside because she says I might die of hypothermia given my lack of body weight. Her twelve-year-old brother weighs more than me. “I understand the shock,” I go on to say, taking a seat on the couch with her. She hands me a cup of hot chocolate. “But what’s your awe?”

  Joey doesn’t answer me right away, but eventually she sighs. “It’s when I accepted it wasn’t going to control me. I was angry, I hated, I had shame… but I also had love and joy, and a family who was there every step of the way. So my awe moment came when I chose to feed the side I felt more comfortable with. I got help. I saw a therapist and went to support groups. I made friends and connections, and I gave them everything I had to give because that was the side of myself I loved. I didn’t want to wake up sad, and though I still have days where the ugly wins out, I’m damn good at saying ‘fuck you, I win this time.’ Regardless of him not having a face or a name, he will not ever take anything else from me, and that includes my future.”

  Her words sink in. Every single one of them. Slowly. I let them. I don’t say a word. I breathe in and smile. I think… no, I know, Asa and Joey are my awe. I hug her and tell her, “You’re my soul mate.”

  “You’re my other half… quite literally. You’re like, half of me.” She looks at my too-bony legs, and then her curvy ones. “Okay, maybe I’m like three of you.”

  And then we laugh and eat the best turkey in the world that’s real fucking meat.

  Roman isn’t stupid. And I never knew him to be. Do you know what his major is?

  Criminal justice.

  His face twists, his expression guarded, and he shrugs. “I don’t know what you’re looking for, Asa.”

  I step toward him, but I don’t touch him. “You know goddamn well what I’m looking for.” Every part of my being aches to hit him. I want to so bad my hands are shaking, my entire fucking body is shaking, resisting reaction. My muscles are coiled, ready to react.

  I don’t.

  I don’t because there’s one advantage Roman has over me, and it goes back to his major. If I so much as lay a han
d on him, he can and will press charges against me. And while my mind is certainly on Barrette and finding justice for her, it’s on me as well. I have a bowl game coming up. I have a future. I’ve done my research on this for the last seventeen months. If he’s found guilty, he will go to jail. He’ll lose his scholarship. His football career? It will be over. And my personal favorite, he will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.

  In my heart, I know without a shred of doubt he had a part in this. I don’t need this fucking evidence of his hat.

  “I was in my room that night. I have three girls who will gladly testify to that.”

  “Guess you better gather your witness list, huh?”

  He leans in, his tone haughty and provoking. “I don’t have to gather shit because I didn’t rape her.” He snorts. “If I wanted Barrette, which we both know I could have, she’d gladly let me.” He straightens up and shoves his hands in his pockets. He watches the stages of emotions across my face. The anger, the desperate need to react, and the way I’m barely holding it together. “Oh, I see what this is. You’re just pissed off because when you came home, that virgin pussy wasn’t waiting for you.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut. Don’t hit him. Don’t do it!

  Swallowing over the bile rising in my throat, I force a smile when his dad comes to the door, and then Remy. My smile isn’t one of happiness. It’s one of “I caught you in your fucking lie and you’re going to pay.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want something to eat?” his dad asks, wiping his hands on a napkin. “We have plenty of food here.”

  “No, I was just leaving.” I pick up the hat on the ground. “I think I’ll go ahead and give this to the police. They can add it to the mound of evidence already inside that sexual assault forensic evidence.”

  Roman’s dad looks to him, and then me. “What are you talking about?”

  Remy gasps. “That’s why you were searching the woods the next day?” Her hand slaps over her mouth and Roman’s face pales in the process. She swallows and backs away from him. “You said it wasn’t you.”