Saving Barrette

by Shey Stahl

  I sigh in relief, the weight of him heavy, but exactly what I want. While our breathing slows, I run my fingers up and down his back, giggling.

  He rolls off me. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d have a complex that you’re laughing.”

  “But you do know better.” I look over at him. “I’m just laughing that we start a conversation with boundaries and now look at us.”

  He moves to his side, propping his head up by stealing my pillow from me. “I’ve never been able to tell you no.”

  “Ha.” I snort. “You told me no when I asked you to take my virginity.”

  This one earns me an eye roll. “Only because I knew if I did, I wouldn’t leave.” His hand reaches out to touch my cheek. “There was no way I could take that from you and still disappear from your life.”

  When he talks like that, it all makes sense. Everything he’s ever said to me, did for me, all of it. He really is here for me. No matter what. And then I think, what did I do to deserve this? How’d I get so lucky?

  The realization flashes over my face, like a revelation of sorts.

  He touches my cheek and then reaches for my hand. He brings our hands to his mouth, slowly kissing my knuckles. “Now do you see that you’re everything to me?”

  I nod. “I do.” And then I think about when he left and how badly it hurt me to know he gave his virginity to Heather Randal. Why though? “But I have one more question.”

  “Anything you want to know, I’ll tell you.”

  “Why Heather Randal?”

  At first he stares at me, his expression one of confusion. “Huh?”

  “Heather. Randal. Why did you have sex with her two days before you left?”

  The anger hits him in an instant, like a flash of lightning through the sky. Quick. And honestly, beautiful. Every emotion he has is incredible with the way they play on his expressions before I feel it hit me. “What the fuck are you talking about?” He narrows his gaze at me, a frown puckering his brow. “I never slept with her.”

  My eyebrows furrow. “What? But Roman said—”

  Asa’s runs a hand through his hair, his breathing kicking up. “That motherfucker.” Pain smears over his face, quickly replaced by a look of disgust.

  I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I drag my lower lip through my teeth and stare at him.

  “Of course he had to fucking take that too,” he sneers, his tone dark and low, his breathing fanning my face gently when he turns me to look at him. “I’ve never been with anyone but you. Never even kissed another girl.”

  Tears push their way down my cheeks. I blink, fast, surprised, confused at his admission. “You… didn’t?”

  He shakes his head without saying anything. My entire world shifts. It’s crazy to think, but it does. The room feels like it’s closing in on me and I’m trapped in a corner, unable to escape. Tears blind me now. Roman. He took it from me so I couldn’t give it to Asa. I know that now. When my eyes meet Asa’s, my heart flips in my chest. His expression is one of devastation.

  I don’t ever want to see this expression on his face again. I twist in his arms, holding his face in my hands. “Nobody can take from you what you didn’t give them. I don’t care what they took, what he took, I gave it to you.”

  His face is unreadable, the muscles unmoving. He doesn’t even blink.

  I take in a breath, leaning forward, and press my lips to his. “The past doesn’t matter. It’s what we make of the future.”

  His warm breath tickles my lips as he whispers, “I love you even at our darkest moments.” He presses his lips to mine, once. The idea, the clarity that he’d waited for me, it pierces my skin like a papercut. Sharp. Precise. Burning. The gravity of it weighs on me. He’d had so many opportunities, yet he remained true to me. Drawing back, we stare at one another, tears in our eyes. His hand moves from my cheek to my jaw, slanting my head up. “You’ve been my only.”

  My heart swells in my chest to the point I think it might burst into flames for him. His love, it’s a sensation. There’s no need for him to reach out and touch me. I feel him without being touched, and finally, finally I understand it, despite his assurance it had been there all along. You can’t make yourself believe someone loves you when you think you’re unlovable because of what happened to you. You can’t get there until your mind is ready. And mine happens right before his eyes.

  If I could rewrite the past, I would, but maybe it wouldn’t look like this if I did. What happened to me, to us, it sucks. It’s dirty and vindictive, but it brought Asa to me, and I don’t know if it would have happened otherwise.

  Am I okay now? Did I magically become fixed?

  No. Not even close.

  And though I honestly feel like I may never be, this, having him and knowing our future is together, I’m slowly putting that puzzle together again, one broken piece at a time.

  “I don’t want to leave this room.”

  “Me either.” I sigh and pick through the last of Barrette’s Sour Patch Kids. “But I’m starving and you’ve worn me out.”

  Barrette gasps. “I have not.” I look over at her. She’s blushing. I raise an eyebrow, smirking. “Okay, maybe a little,” she agrees.” Do you have plans today?”

  With a grunt, I swing my legs over the side of her bed and stand, still completely naked. She blushes again as her eyes roam over my body, lingering on my dick. “Food first,” I remind her, “but I do have a position meeting at three and then some conditioning.” Reaching for my jeans, I pull them on and glance around her room in search of where my shirt went last night. “What do you say I take you to breakfast.”

  Barrette stretches out on the bed, my jersey she’s wearing rising up and revealing her tight stomach. How someone so tiny can actually have muscle definition is beyond me, but she does. “I think I can eat,” she says, her head resting on her hand. She’s staring at the new mason jar I gave her this morning. “But I have a question for you.”

  I smile. “Another one?”

  “Yep.”

  “And?”

  Her eyes move from the jar to mine. “Are we like, dating?”

  I look over at her again and she’s gazing at me with a perfect combination of playfulness, tenderness, and heat. “I think….” I pause and step toward her, my hands on either side of her hips. I kiss her hipbone, then the other. She threads her hands in my hair as I whisper, “We were dating long before last night.”

  “Good.” She yanks my head up. “Because I’d like to start calling you honey. Or babe. Or maybe Bear.”

  “Bear?” Laughing, I sit up. It’s nice seeing this side of her again. I almost forgot it existed in the first place.

  I find my shirt on the floor next to my shoes. I smile because it smells like her.

  With a grin on her face, she reads the quote I taped to the inside of the jar.

  She sits up and reaches for my hand, urging me forward. “This one might be my favorite.” I don’t know why, or how, but it’s the first time she’s noticed the busted knuckles. How they went unnoticed this long by her is beyond me because it looks fucking brutal. “Oh my God, what happened? Is that from the game?”

  I shake my head. “No.” A ball of emotion works its way into my throat and I struggle to maintain a neutral expression. She waits and runs her fingers gently over my knuckles, waiting for an explanation. “I returned Roman’s shirt before Thanksgiving,” I tell her, my words slow. I don’t want to tell her about the girl.

  Her worried ocean eyes find mine. “You hit him?”

  “No. I hit the wall beside him.” My chest tightens at the admission.

  “Oh.” Her eyes are on mine, so many unspoken questions playing them.

  I draw in a breath, hoping it gives me courage. It doesn’t. “When I went to his dorm, there was a girl on the floor and all I saw was you.”

  Her brows collapse, her hand on her mouth concealing her gasp. “Was she…?” Her words pause, her chin shaking with emotions she can’t contain. “Did h
e…?” Again, she can’t continue.

  “I don’t know. She was clearly drunk, but I think okay. Campus security took her.” I move closer and sit next to her on the bed. She rests her head on my shoulder, her breathing heavy. Guilt rushes through me. For not telling her sooner, and for no reason at all other than if I hadn’t left Barrette the night of the party, none of this would have happened. But then again, I can’t think like that. Just because I hadn’t been at that party, didn’t mean it couldn’t have happened in the four years I was gone. I think about Roman. Every good memory I have of my childhood friend is now tarnished by his betrayal.

  I stop myself from the thoughts flooding through me. I’m tired of feeling this way. I won’t let myself any longer and I won’t let her. She deserves better.

  I cup her cheek with my hand and twist to face her. “This is just another reminder that going to the police was the right thing to do.” Gently, I grab her by the hips and place her on my lap. She rests her forehead against mine. “Please don’t worry. I’m going to protect you.”

  She has that look on her face. The one that screams you’ve lost your damn mind. Actually, it’s shock. It’s similar to the one she gave me last night when she found out I was a virgin until her. “Asa, I’m scared of what this means for you.”

  I lean back, searching her eyes and trying to understand where she’s coming from. “What do you mean?”

  “You’re on the team with him. He’s well-known and I just, I don’t know….” Panic rushes through her, a tremble working its way to her hands. “You saw him last night. He doesn’t care. I’m worried about his reaction.”

  “Hey.” I cup her face in my hands and make her look at me. “We’re gonna be fine,” I assure her. “We’ll figure it out.”

  Blinking slowly, she sighs, her shoulders sinking. Wrapping her arms around my neck, she kisses me and then draws back. “Should we see if Joey and Terrell want to get some breakfast?” Though her words are light, there’s an underlying worry to them.

  “Sure.”

  Life and happiness, it’s fragile. It can all go away in a matter of seconds. Never take that for granted. I would never take Barrette and her love for granted. Not ever. And there is no way in hell I’m going to give Roman the chance to destroy that.

  “ASA, OH MY God, you were amazing last night.”

  Believe it or not, that’s not coming from Barrette. That’s from the group of girls and their parents next to us at Portage Bay Café. Perks of being a UW football player, we got to skip the lines and they got us a table right away. Only problem is that you’d think we were royalty because every girl around twenty seems to know who I am.

  Seated beside me picking at a plate of french toast, Barrette says very little to the conversation around us. The one where Terrell is telling Joey about the Bahamas and swimming with the pigs. Last year the team went to the Bahamas for spring break as a bonding experience. I hear none of that. What I hear is the unsettling nervousness of Barrette and the way she’s not eating. I know her, and I know where her mind is going. She’s scared of what all this means now that it’s out in the open.

  I smile at the girls, give them an autograph, a picture, and then I wrap my arm around Barrette. My touch is welcomed, at least I think it is when she melts against my frame.

  Terrell looks at the two of us and winks. “So, B… spring break? Whatta say ya come to Baton Rouge with us?”

  She looks at Terrell, then me. “You’re going?”

  I swallow. Shit. “I uh.” I glare at Terrell. “I hadn’t committed to it yet.” Picking up my napkin, I toss it at his head. “Dick.”

  He laughs. “He’s telling you the truth. He didn’t.” And then leans in with his hand on Joey’s. “It’d be fun if we all went.”

  Conversation fills around the table of Baton Rouge, but I can’t tell how Barrette feels about anything, let alone Baton Rouge. Anxiety gnaws at me. Needing to know if she’s okay, I lean in and place my hand on her thigh. She jumps, her body tensing. All of her. It’s like she doesn’t even recognize my touch, let alone me. Her head turns, her expression cloudy. She’s elsewhere.

  I remove my hand, my posture rigid.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispers, shaking her head and curling into my side. “I don’t know what that was.”

  “It’s all right.” I’m hesitant, but I kiss her forehead. I press my lips to her warm skin and I keep them there, hoping it’s a reassurance she needs that I’m nothing like the guys who took advantage of her. I’d never harm her in any way.

  Joey notices the change in Barrette’s behavior and smiles at her. “Hey, B. Wanna get pedicures while they’re at their position meetings?”

  Barrette nods, smiling. “I’d like that.”

  I pay for breakfast while Barrette and Joey use the restroom.

  “What the fuck?” I slap my hand against Terrell’s chest. “Why’d you do that?”

  He stares at me, blank-faced but smiling. “I’m sorry, but yous need to buck the fuck up and take that girl out. Not this shit where you take her to fuckin’ brunch.”

  In theory, he’s right. I should take her out on a real date, but that’s not what’s bothering me. Barrette’s reaction is. “I know that, but she spent all of spring break last year in the hospital from an anxiety attack while we were living it up.” It’s just another example of all the times I haven’t been there for her when I wished I had been.

  Terrell leans his massive shoulder into the wall outside the restaurant and squints into the sun. Blowing on a breath, he shrugs. “I didn’t mean anything by it, but you can’t always protect her, nor should you feel guilty about when you’re not with her.”

  I’m not convinced. Barrette and Joey exit the restaurant and onto the street. I watch her walk toward me, picking apart her every mannerism. She smiles, and it’s genuine. It’s not forced.

  “We’re gonna go get pedicures,” Joey says.

  Terrell wraps both his burly arms around her. “My favorite color is red.”

  “Boy, I’m not painting my nails your favorite color.” She flips her dark hair over her shoulder. “I’m my own person.”

  I take a moment to look around. The streets are crowded, people bumping into us as they pass by, while the smells of salt and sea invades my senses. I watch Barrette beside me, my body blocking hers from the people passing by us. Her eyes are on mine.

  “I’m okay,” she whispers, her hands gripping the front of my jacket. I believe her. I have no reason not to. “I think an afternoon with Joey is what I need.”

  I nod, winking at her. “You do. Try to relax.”

  A smile finds its way to her lips. “You too.”

  “I think that can be arranged.” My hands make their way to her hips and I yank her against my chest. She breathes in, pressing her cheek to my heart. “Can I see you after practice?”

  “I would love that. You can help me study.”

  Chuckling, I draw back. “We never actually get any studying done.”

  “Who says I want to actually study?”

  Ah, yes. There’s my girl. I kiss her once more before she disappears up the street with Joey. Terrell grins watching Joey. “She’s a cool chick.”

  I level him a serious look. “Don’t hurt her.”

  “Bitch, please.” He gives me that “you’re crazy” expression he’s so good at. “I’m a fuckin’ gentleman.”

  I raise an eyebrow and pull out my phone to check the time. “Can be.”

  “Listen, man.” He motions me forward toward the pier. “I know what she’s been through,” he adds. “I won’t hurt her like that.”

  “I know you won’t. I’m just warning you that if you do, you’ll have to answer to me.”

  After basically laughing in my fucking face, he shoves his hands into his jacket, his dark eyes on mine. “We haven’t even had sex, and I can tell you without a doubt, I’ve got it bad.”

  That’s surprising. Leaning into the railing on the pier, I sigh, running my hand throu
gh my hair. “I know what you mean.”

  He glances over at me, then the water below us. “Joey said Barrette went to the police.” I nod. “You think it’s him?”

  “I know it is,” I seethe, the anger working its way through me again.

  “So what are we gonna do about it?”

  “Nothing. The police will handle it.”

  Terrell’s nostrils flare and his eyes level me. “That’s not what I mean.”

  I stare at him, unsure. “What?”

  “I’m talking about the team. That was bullshit last night.”

  He’s right. It was bullshit. I took some hard hits all because Codey wasn’t protecting me.

  “I’m not about to sit back while they destroy your million-dollar arm,” he adds.

  “I’m not worried about me. I’m worried about Barrette. When this gets out, who knows what’s going to happen.”

  “I’ve got her,” he assures me. “We all do. Our team, they play for you and defend you. No matter what.”

  I fucking hope he’s right. Like it or not, our relationship started in the aftermath of tragedy. Because of that, we’re both clinging to an unhealthy hope that together we can deal with it.

  My high school football coach once told me I could have all the talent in the world, but if I didn’t have the ability to finish things, I’d never do anything with my life. I know exactly what he was referring to and for Barrette, I’ll make sure this is finished. Roman and whoever else was involved will pay for this.

  I think I read this somewhere, but I can’t remember where. When you become fearless, you become limitless. Is that true? Can someone really become fearless?

  I don’t remember the first month after the night I was raped. It’s all a blur. I spent a good amount of time at Asa’s house, in his bed, avoiding reality. I didn’t talk to anyone and the only food I ate was anything Carlin forced me to eat. My point is, I didn’t have to face anyone and have them ask, what are those bruises from? Is it true, were you really raped?