Saving Barrette

by Shey Stahl

  “And that’s normal.”

  I draw in a careful breath. “But I want to try. I’m tired of living in fear, so, how do I do it?”

  Joey bites back laughter. “Well, I think this might be something you’re gonna have to talk about with Asa.”

  “But I want to know what I’m doing.”

  “Okay, well, have you ever had a popsicle?”

  I nod.

  “It’s a lot like that. You wrap your lips around it and suck on it, right?”

  “No, I bite it.”

  She bursts out laughing. “Guaranteed to be your last blow job if you do that.”

  I flop back against the bed again. “Ugh.”

  “B, it’s fine. Just do what comes naturally to you and ask him what he likes.”

  “Will he tell me?”

  “Pretty sure he will.”

  Before I can ask more details, there’s a knock on the door. Joey turns toward the door and smiles. “Ready?”

  Though I’m not, and my face is the color of a tomato, I nod. Truth is, I haven’t been ready for anything that’s happened the last year, but I keep going and push through it all.

  Asa enters the room and my world shifts. Everything I’ve been fearing melts away at the sight of him. It always does. I think I’ve said it before, but my physical and emotional reactions shift completely when he’s around. He smiles, and I forget where I am. Don’t worry, you’re not stuck in some kind of cheesy romantic comedy where the woman’s sense of self-worth depends on the man. It’s deeper for me and Asa. Together we got through the worst parts of our lives, and it made us stronger.

  I don’t notice Terrell behind him, though it’s pretty freaking hard not to because of Terrell’s size and dark skin. I don’t notice anything besides Asa when he’s smiling at me and giving me that look. The one that says if I could, I’d strip you down completely and ravish you. And I’d let him because hello, look at him. He’s six feet of pure sex.

  Okay, enough, right? I’ll stop.

  Asa moves toward me, winking, and places his hands on my hips. “You look beautiful,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to my temple.

  “So do you.” I brush my hand against the stubble on his cheek. I love that he has a beard at the moment. Usually during the season, he shaves it off, but I’m digging the ruggedness it gives him.

  And then he groans and grips my hips a little tighter. “It’s hard to believe we’ve been living together for over a year and I still can’t get enough of you.”

  I hoist myself up to wrap my legs around his waist. “I agree.” We fall back on the bed with a giggle from me. “Let’s not go out today. This place is beautiful. We could take a walk on the beach, make love….”

  Terrell clears his throat, his arm hanging around Joey. “I don’t think so. Knock that off. I hate being late and we have a date with pigs that we’ve already paid for. I have bets with JoJo on who gets bit first.”

  “You’re the one who’s going to get bit.” Joey squishes Terrell’s cheeks playfully. “They’re gonna think you’re a big cupcake.”

  Asa lifts up, winking, his hands low on my bottom. “We got time for this later.” I take his hand and let him peel me off the bed. I pout because I’m still not very social and hate going out, but I’m trying new things. Like social events. And the Bahamas, swimming pigs, and apparently, bikinis.

  WE SPEND THE day feeding Bahamian rock iguanas—who chase Terrell and taunt him until we leave—and petting stingrays. I hold a starfish, and snorkel in to see Pablo Escobar’s sunken plane wreck. We visit Stocking Island where we have fresh conch—which I hate by the way. And finally, we take a private tour to see swimming pigs. On Jet Skis which usually wouldn’t be allowed but when you’re traveling with two football players, they’re amazingly good at talking the poor unsuspecting tour guide into it.

  Everywhere I look there’s blue skies, white sand beaches, and amazing turquoise water. It’s the most beautiful place in the world, but then again, I’ve never been anywhere but Washington.

  With my body pressed against Asa’s back, I can’t believe less than a year ago, nothing in my life made sense, aside from this guy in front of me. My rock.

  I hold onto him as tight as I can. I cling to him, much like I have in the past, only now it’s for a different reason. It’s because I fear for my life and I’m certain he is a good football player, but not so much at operating a Jet Ski.

  “Slow down!” I screech, feeling as though I might bounce right off this thing and be eaten by a shark.

  Asa laughs as if my screaming in his ear is funny. And then he pins the throttle. “Hold on, honey.”

  Hold on? Ha. Since he thinks this is funny, I slide my hands lower down his chest, lower, and lower, until I find the spot I’m looking for and grip him. “How about I hold on here?”

  His speed slows, his hand easing off the throttle, but he doesn’t stop. He draws in a quick breath and then turns his head. “You could but you probably shouldn’t.”

  “Why’s that?”

  It’s difficult to hear him over the wind and the slapping of the water against the Jet Ski. “Because if you do, I might see how you feel about public nudity and sand.”

  I think about it for a half second. I move my hand. “No way.”

  Laughter shakes through him. “Worth a shot.” He lets off the gas completely and nods in the distance. “Ever seen a swimming pig?”

  I’ve never swum with pigs. Have you? I’m a nervous wreck the entire Jet Ski ride to what I learn is an uninhabited island where pigs live. They’re not native to the islands, but they sure look comfortable roaming the white sandy beaches.

  Asa laughs in front of me when he kills the engine. He touches my leg and I jump. “I’m so nervous,” I tell him, barely able to control my laughter. “Do they bite?”

  “No, but I do,” he mumbles, smiling wickedly at me as he nibbles on my shoulder.

  I notice a smaller one swimming over to us. “Oh my God, it’s a baby piggy.”

  Terrell jumps off the Jet Ski and into the sapphire-blue water. “Ah, this one loves me,” he says, petting a big black one that looks like it could be his pet.

  Joey shakes her head as she pets a smaller brown and white one. He’s not as small as the piglet at my feet. I smile at him, reaching down with a shaking hand to touch the pig’s ears. “I’m going to take you with me!”

  “B, we can’t even keep plants alive let alone a pig,” Joey adds, giving me the same look she gave me when I brought a stray kitten home and he ran away the next day.

  It’s true though. Between Joey, Terrell, Asa, and me living under the same roof, none of us have remembered to water the plants. We even tried succulents. Can’t even keep desert plants alive. Probably because if we use too much water, Terrell lectures us on how much it costs per month to water plants.

  The moment we’re off the Jet Skis, the pigs invade us. I can’t get enough of how adorable they are. We wade into knee-deep water and I’m still holding the baby one in my arms.

  Asa looks over at me, the sun beating down on his golden skin. He tips his sunglasses up and eyes me and the piglet. There’s another one that’s been at my feet for a while. He’s a big black and brown one that might be the mom or the dad of the piglet I’m holding but I’m not sure. Fearing I might get bit for taking their baby, I set the piglet in the water. “I didn’t mean to take your baby. Here, have him back.”

  The bigger pig doesn’t leave. He stays at my feet, leaned against my leg. I kneel down to pet him and before I know it, he’s crawling all over me.

  Asa rolls his eyes. “Should I be concerned about your relationship with this one?”

  I don’t say anything because Terrell’s booming laughter draws our attention. “Oh my God,” Joey yells. “It’s pooping! Take it!”

  She’s holding one of the babies and it’s pooping on her, which Terrell thinks is the funniest thing in the world.

  “Take it!” she screams, holding the piglet out. “Or I’m g
onna drop him!”

  Terrell takes it, or tries to. It’s still pooping all over him. “It’s shitting, ya’ll.”

  I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life than I do at the scene before me. Chuckling himself, Asa slings his arm around my shoulder, the baby pig swimming at his feet now. “We can’t take them anywhere.”

  I laugh and pick my adorable piglet up. “I’m gonna keep him. He can be our baby.”

  “Or I can put a real baby in you,” Asa whispers, his lips on my shoulder.

  “Yeah, right.” I laugh it off, but there’s something about the way he’s looking at me. Like it wouldn’t be the worst idea yet.

  AT THE BAR, it’s unlike anything I’ve been to before. Not only am I constantly thinking about Asa’s baby comment, it’s hard to keep up with the amount of attention the guys receive. It seems people know exactly who Asa is. We’re nowhere close to home so it seems unreal he’d have a following here. Apparently, college football is a thing though.

  Have you heard of Exuma Cays? It’s a playground for the rich and famous. We end up at Chat ‘n’ Chill. There’s live music, amazing food, and tons of women. Not once does Asa look at any of them, despite them gawking at him and Terrell both. One in particular hands me a drink. “Here, sweetie.” I’m gathering she’s probably a waitress, maybe, but her eyes are on Asa as she slides the drink toward me. “It’s on the house.”

  Panic floods through me, but I don’t let it take over. “No, thank you. I don’t drink.” I haven’t since that night, and I doubt I ever will again. I never want to feel that vulnerable again.

  Asa leans into me, his nose brushing my jaw. “If you want a drink, have one. I wouldn’t let you overdo it.”

  I know he wouldn’t, but it’s a trigger for me. “I even smell alcohol and it brings me back to that night,” I tell him. “I don’t want any.”

  His expression shifts and I can’t tell what he’s thinking. “It’s fine. If you’re not comfortable with drinking, I respect that.”

  Why is he always so sweet to me? I touch his warm cheek. He got a little sun today. It makes his eyes look more golden. Like rich honey with spots of chocolate. I sink against his side. “Thank you.”

  Conversation flows around the table, Terrell and Asa talking about the upcoming draft and who they think will get picked up from UW. It’s then I realize, watching them relax at the table, this is the first time in a while I’ve seen them this laid-back. Our lives since the trial ended haven’t been easy. Asa’s career is exploding since winning the Heisman Trophy and I know it’s just going to get worse. Pretty soon he’s going to be starting his senior year of college football. He’ll graduate in May, and then his plan is to enter the draft the following year. Terrell has the same plan.

  Asa leans in, his shoulder pressing to mine. “Dance with me?”

  I drift my stare to the dance floor where he leads me. Before I know it, we’re dancing, our bodies pulled tightly together. To our left, I notice Joey and Terrell are doing shots with an elderly man who keeps yelling, “It’s my birthday!”

  “He’s like a hundred,” Asa says, laughing. “I’d be doing shots if I lived that long too.”

  I stare at him. “What makes you think you won’t live long?”

  The corner of his mouth dips down, carefully watching my reaction when he says, “Concussions.”

  I hate that injuries like this are a reality now. I pick at the ruffles on my dress. “Are you worried?”

  “No,” he tells me, and I know it’s a lie. “I’m not worried.” And then suddenly his lips are on mine. His mouth devours my mouth, kissing me like he’s never kissed me before. I think maybe it’s because he’s trying to change the subject away from injuries, but I’ll take it. It’s dominating, but not forceful. He’s giving me no room to question his intentions. I’ve never understood the term “he makes me weak in the knees,” but I do now. It’s aggressive and controlling, like he can’t get enough. I’m entirely lost in the kiss, forgetting everything around me. His tongue sweeps my lips, a warm, coconut-flavor from the rum he’d been drinking earlier. I open my mouth all the way and allow him access again. He tilts his head, deepening the connection. It’s everything I need it to be, and then some. Soon my thoughts drift back to what Joey and I talked about. My breathing picks up and Asa notices, chuckling against my lips.

  Before I’m ready, he breaks the kiss, sighing against my lips and holding me tight against his body. “This isn’t easy.”

  “What? Dancing? Or how awkward of a dancer I am when you make me weak in the knees?” Not that I was thinking about putting your penis in my mouth. Nope. That’s not why.

  Resting his forehead to mine, Asa rolls his eyes. “No, seeing you half naked and other guys gawking at you.” His eyes shift to behind me. “I want to yank their fucking eyes out for even looking at you, let alone thinking they have a chance.”

  I look at him like he’s lost his mind. “They don’t.”

  “Oh, I know,” he says, a haughty edge to his tone. There’s one thing about Asa that hasn’t changed. His confidence. “How about I show them exactly who you belong to.”

  “I think you did with that kiss.” I fan myself playfully. “I’m still recovering.”

  He snorts and grabs my hand. “Come on. Let’s go wish the old guy happy birthday.”

  I follow him, because he’s dragging me through the crowd, and we find our way over to Joey and Terrell at the bar.

  “Here!” Joey hands me some fruity-looking drink. “It’s fucking delicious!”

  “It’s thirty dollars, it better be,” Terrell notes, always careful of his spending. Terrell literally came from nothing. If it hadn’t been for his incredible football talent, there would have been no way for him to go to college. Because of that, he learned early on how to pinch pennies. He budgets out every single expense down to how much we use in electricity every month. Don’t ever go grocery shopping with him. It’s depressing. He says no to everything good.

  Reaching for a shot on the bar, Asa slaps his hand on Terrell’s shoulder. “Lighten up.” And then his eyes are on mine as he downs the shot. I look at the drink in my hand. I can do this. I can. I’m with my friends. I’m safe with my friends and they’re not going to leave me. More importantly, I can have one drink and stop there, right?

  So, I take a drink. And it’s freaking delicious. Before I know it, it’s gone and I’m giggling. My cheeks are flushed and newfound heat courses through my body. One I’m familiar with, but it’s more than that. I’m… horny? I don’t know if that’s the right word but all I can think about is having sex with Asa.

  He watches me closely, his hands never far from my body and it only makes it worse. “You’re adorable,” he tells me when I try to convince him I will, in fact, skinny dip in the ocean if he wants. He searches my face, then my lips. “What do you say we find our way back to our room?”

  I sigh with relief. “Yes.”

  Joey notices we’re leaving and smiles. “Be good, kids.”

  I wink. I have a plan. Maybe not a good one, but it’s a plan.

  LIQUID COURAGE IS a thing. It totally is. Something about that fruity drink relaxed me enough that I’m going to get outside my own head for a night. And I’m going to go down on my boyfriend.

  In our room, Asa stumbles around, he too feeling the effects of the sun and drinks he had at the bar. I laugh when he falls back against the bed, his shirt off, board shorts hanging low on his hips. He looks delicious.

  After stripping out of my bikini, I step toward him completely naked. I kneel at the end of the bed and slide my hands up his thighs under his shorts. He lifts up on his elbows, smiling down at me. Thick strands of his hair fall against his forehead and he winks at me.

  I bite my lips, trying to find that little boost of courage I know I’m going to need to make this next part happen. I can do it. I know I can. I will not fear it. With a deep breath in, I move my hands to the band of his shorts and tug. He lifts his hips and allows
me to slide them off along with his boxers.

  Believe it or not, I haven’t spent a lot of time staring at his penis, and never this close that I can remember. My head is level with him. He sits up and tries to pull me onto the bed.

  I shake my head. “I want to try something,” I whisper, my hands returning to his thighs. I’m not sure he knows where I’m going with this because I’ve never initiated this kind of thing. A couple of months back, he went down on me, which I thoroughly enjoyed, but I couldn’t return the favor.

  Until now.

  I take him in my hand, my mouth inches from him and suddenly he’s hard as a rock, his eyes wide. His hands fly to mine. He sits up. “You don’t have to do that.”

  I smile and lick my lips. “Something tells me you want me to.”

  He swallows hard, blinking slowly. His eyes are heavy with desire. “I uh....”

  It’s nice to see him at a loss for words. I look up at him. “Just relax.”

  His chest rises and falls quickly, but his hands fall away and flatten on the bed as he leans back slightly, giving me room. “Okay.”

  My heart pumps wildly in my chest, heat coursing through me. I lean forward, my lips pressing to the head of his penis. Asa gasps, his hands gripping the sheets. And then it’s his reaction that pushes me forward and gives me the rest of the courage I need to take him in my mouth.

  But then I pause and pull back an inch. “I don’t know how to do this,” I admit, my hands shaking. I look up at him.

  His eyes find mine. He swallows again, but he doesn’t say anything. Maybe he’s stunned speechless by seeing me with my mouth on him.

  I lean forward again, one hand at the base of his penis and then lower my mouth on him, sliding my tongue against him in the process. It’s awkward and makes me want to gag when I feel his hips twitch. “Jesus Christ,” he pants, and he hits the back of my throat by his movement.

  I gag that time, but I keep doing it because of his reaction. I had no idea I could make him feel like this, out of breath and squirming. I struggle to breathe. It’s like someone is choking me, but he’s not touching me. I notice the whites of his knuckles gripping the sheet. It’s a flash of a memory and hands I fear. Not his, but it’s a reminder, one I hadn’t been expecting and sets into motion what I didn’t want to happen. It builds and builds and soon, like usual, the anxiety, the rush, the need to run away from the ever-present pressure in my chest, it surfaces out of nowhere and tears surface. Before I know it, I’m crying, but I refuse to stop. I want to push through it and find a means to an end. Maybe if I keep going, I can push through to the other side and finally give myself to him completely, with no restrictions.