by Mia Ford
He props up onto his elbow and stares at me questioningly. I can see that he’s struggling to understand why I’m backing off but I need to. It isn’t that I don’t want him, it’s just that my doubts are niggling at me. I can’t seem to stop them. The fear that Luci is right and I’m going to end up destroyed.
I smile as brightly as I can and scuttle backwards towards the bathroom. Once there, I cling to the bathroom sink and gasp, trying to get my breath back. My emotions have been all over the place all day long, ever since I first got to work, and I tried to call Luci. She ignored me, just like I knew she would, but it still hurts.
I’m losing her, the longer it goes the further away she’ll get, and it kills me. He will leave, and I don’t want to be alone. I’m scared that everything that I’ve been doing is wrong and that I’ll live to regret it all.
Get it together, I warn myself. Don’t ruin this with Jace again. Enjoy it for what it is.
But as I stare at my wild-eyed reflection in the mirror, I don’t know if I can. I’m falling too deep; the L word has been used so it doesn’t feel like a game anymore. It isn’t just a fantasy. It’s spilling into real life, into my heart. I think this is exactly what Luci knew was going to happen and I refused to listen.
Stop getting sad, stop getting wound up in all of this, stop all of it…
A tear rolls down my cheek. It drips over my lips and drags another one from my eye. I’m so stupid, so sad, so idiotic. My problem is I love him too much; I’m willing to give myself over to him again. The moment I saw Jace I should have run away, even if he was telling the truth, because I should have known that I wouldn’t end well. I should’ve known that I would end up destroyed. What is my problem?
“I need to get back in the bedroom.” I grab my pajamas and quickly pull them on. “Or Jace will wonder what’s happening. He’s already confused by my attitude tonight.”
I run a brush through my hair and grab my toothbrush. As I scrub my teeth, I narrow my eyes at myself. I need to get my head back in the game, I know that I’ve been off on another planet all night long, but it’s hard for me to focus when my life is shattering all around me. It’s a real freaking mess, or it’s going to be for sure.
I nod at myself, giving up on trying to look normal, and I make my way back to bed. What might be actually best is for me to just be honest about how I’m feeling. Talk to him, communicate….
“Oh.” I stare at his sleeping form, watching him take deep in and out breaths. “Fair enough.”
Maybe it’s for the best, I don’t want to make things bad between us. Honesty isn’t necessary when we aren’t going to be together forever. Yes, we told each other that we’re in love, but that’s just a part of the fantasy, just like when we talk about our cottage by the ocean and our children. It’s just talk.
I climb into the bed next to Jace and snuggle into him, willing myself to get to sleep so I can have the same amount of peace as he’s getting right now. But my mind is spinning. My head is all over the place. My thoughts are jumbled and uncomfortable. My brain just won’t wind down. It keeps thinking about Jace, about The Puppeteers, about Luci, and how things are going to be when he leaves. I already don’t really have my family; I can’t lose my friends as well. Oh god, this is so hard. I can hardly stand it.
I sigh and pop my eyes open, giving up on sleep. Eventually I even sneak out of the bed because I can hardly stand this. I need the necklace. I need it. When I put it away in a small box in the back of my wardrobe, I decided that I wouldn’t ever look at it again. I couldn’t quite bring myself to chuck it out, but this was the next step. But now I’m going to have to face it again while I work out how I’m going to deal with this.
I find the box. It feels heavier in my fingers than I remember, and I pull it to my chest. I tear the lid off the box quickly, like I’m tearing off a band aid, and I gasp while I look at the chain. Immediately, I’m emotional again. I’m back to being the girl who locked it away. I’m the person who lost Jace even before he got famous.
Now I’m going to lose him again, only this time it’s for good.
“I knew that,” I remind myself. “I knew that. I knew he was going to leave me.”
But it doesn’t change the twisting in my gut, the aching in my heart. I’m still in pain.
I pad around the apartment, tiredness rocketing through me. I can’t sleep though; I haven’t been able to sleep all night long. I curled up on the couch at about three AM and I slept fitfully for about an hour, but it wasn’t enough. It hasn’t shut my crazy thoughts down, and now I’m even more of a mess. Everything that seemed bad last night, now feels about a million times worse. I’m jittery, shaky, a full on state.
“Ah, there you are.” Jace’s voice makes me jump. Almost as if I’d forgotten that he was here. “I wondered where you had gone. It was cold in the bed this morning.”
“Oh yeah, sorry.” I wave my hand dismissively. “I couldn’t sleep.”
His eyes fix on my neck and I see familiarity flood him. I heat up completely. I can’t believe I forgot that I had it on. I would have ripped it off if I’d thought about it. Now it’s going to get weird.
“Oh, I can’t believe that you still have that.” His face explodes into a smile. “That’s amazing.”
“I erm… I actually found it while I was awake. I just… put it on.”
He steps closer to me and runs his fingers along it, his smile so bright, so serene. It breaks my heart. A jealousy bolts through me, disappointment crushes down on my chest, sadness aches.
“Are you crying?” Jace asks in shock. “Oh god, Addie, I’m sorry, what’s going on?”
“I… I don’t know,” I stutter. Everything culminates into one massive shit show. “I don’t know anymore.”
He wraps his arms around me and rests my head against his chest, but even the sound of his heart beating doesn’t make me feel any better. I just cry even harder, getting his shirt all wet.
“Addie, I’m sorry. I slept all night while you were upset. I hate that.”
“It’s okay, it wasn’t… it wasn’t your fault. I just needed to get my head together.”
I pull back and try to stare up at him, but it’s painful to even see him. I tug my whole body away and walk across to the other side of the room. I’m cold, alone, just like I’m going to be.
“I just keep thinking about when you go back to LA,” I admit, trying to get some honesty out. “It’s going to be hard, isn’t it? Long distance won’t work when you’re on the road all the time. It’ll be too much. I’ll be here, living my boring life, while you’re all over the place. You’ll forget about me. You will grow distant like you did in college, only this time it’ll be worse because there will be a world between us.”
I don’t actually know if I’m making any sense, the words are just falling out of my mouth, the night of stress just coming out in any way it wants. I hope Jace gets some of it though. I just need him to understand.
“Addie.” He grabs my shoulders and stares at me. My eyes want to pull away but I can’t. His gaze is so intense it has me locked in, listening to what he has to say. “I’m staying here, with you.”
“Huh?” That wasn’t what I was expecting him to say. “What do you mean?”
“I’m not going back to be in the band. I came back here to make a decision about what I want to do with my future, and I want to stay here. I wasn’t happy, I haven’t been happy for a while.”
“Unhappy?” His words don’t make any sense. Maybe it’s because I’m so tired. “Why?”
“I don’t like it. I’m not happy. It used to be fun, I did use to have a good time, but not anymore. It isn’t for me. I find it empty. Always being on the road, never being at home, it’s lonely.”
My breath gets caught in my throat. I wasn’t expecting this, it wasn’t supposed to be an option. In one way, it’s everything that I want, Jace is actually offering to give it all up for me, but this isn’t just about Jace and me. Luci has said that she doesn’
t want anything to do with me while Jace is here so if he stays, I lose her. Not only that, but how can I fit Jace into my lifestyle? What sort of life will he have?
“You… you might not be happy without the band though,” I blurt out, trying to be practical. “It might be good for a while but you might end up resenting the decision. Resenting me. What else can you do?”
He looks like he’s been slapped in the face. That wasn’t the affect that I wanted to have with my words. I don’t want to hurt him; I just want him to see what he’s offering here.
“I just want you to see,” I plead, trying to make my point clearer. “You can’t give everything up for me, you just can’t. You’ll hate me, it’ll break us apart. It’ll be worse than before.”
“What are you trying to say, Addie? Every time I try and make you see how serious I am about you, you throw something up. There is always a reason for you to push me away.”
My eyes fall closed for a second, the wave of tiredness makes me dizzy. This isn’t the way honesty was supposed to go. I don’t know what I was expecting, but this wasn’t it.
“I’m not pushing you away, I just want you to see that this is a huge decision. I don’t want you to make it because of me.”
“You think I don’t know that?” He starts looking at me like I’ve grown an extra head, like he doesn’t know me anymore. “I’m not stupid. What the hell is this, Addie? I don’t understand. What is going on?”
I part my lips, but no words come out.
24
JACE
I can’t believe this; I actually cannot believe it. This is insane! There is a never ending stream of problems when it comes to Addie and me and I don’t get why. Why can’t we just be? If this is destiny…
“You’re finding reasons to push me away,” I tell Addie sadly. “I can see it. You don’t want me, not really. If you did, then you wouldn’t spend all your time trying to run away from me.”
“No, it isn’t that, I just know you’re going to leave, so I want to protect myself.”
“But I just told you that I’m going to stay!” I exclaim, frustrated. “Does that mean nothing?”
“You don’t get what I’m saying. I just don’t want you to resent me.”
I shake my head. There is such a chasm between us. It doesn’t matter what I say, no matter how I try to frame it to her, she is refusing to understand me. I don’t get it. I can’t help feeling paranoid that she doesn’t actually want me and this is an excuse. Maybe this has all been an error of judgement and I’ve gotten it all wrong. Perhaps she hasn’t been pining after me for all this time and this is just fun for her.
Oh god, what if that is the case? What the hell will I do?
“Addie, we need to talk about this. We can’t just ignore it,” I try. “Is this about Luci?”
“This has nothing to do with Luci,” she declares a little too fiercely. “She doesn’t have any impact on the fact that you will be far away from me. Or that you won’t be, and that you’ll stay and slowly hate me.”
“You have no idea about how I’ll feel. I’m not leaving because of you. I was unhappy before.”
Her hands fly to her hips. “So, you’re telling me that I had no impact on you?”
That gives me a tiny pause for thought. I can’t say that she had no impact, even if she isn’t the only factor. “Yes, I do want to come back for you, but I also want to because I’m unhappy…”
“That scares me, Jace. It frightens me too much. I mean, what will you do?”
“I don’t have it all worked out yet,” I admit. “But that’s okay. There is still time!”
“No, you need a plan.” She moves even further away from me, as if that’s even possible. “You need to know what you’re going to do. You can’t just leave without a plan.”
“Are you worried about me financially? Because I’ve done very well, thank you very much.”
She snorts as if this is ridiculous and shakes her head at me. “It’s about you.”
“Addie, not everyone needs a career to define them. I will be just fine.”
She snaps back like I’ve said something horrible to her. “Are you saying I’m boring?”
“Huh?” How the hell did we get here? “Addie, you aren’t making any sense now. That isn’t what I said.”
“No, but it’s obviously what you meant. You think I’m dull because I work a lot.”
“You do put a lot of yourself into your work.”
“Oh my god, holy shit. That is out of order. You don’t understand what you’re saying. Yes, I throw myself into work but it makes me happy and I’m good at it. Clearly, I’m not good at anything else. My family don’t want to know, me and you are… well, fucked. And Luci… I don’t even know what to say about that.”
“Luci will be your friend again. Whether I’m here or not.”
“I don’t know about that.” She shakes her head violently. “I don’t know about anything anymore. I think… I think it’s best that you just go. I don’t think we have anything else to say today.”
“So, you really are trying to push me away.” Anger builds and boils inside of me. I can’t stop it from flowing. I just can’t take this anymore. It’s too much. “What do I have to do, Addie? I have done everything that I can to prove that I didn’t cheat on you. I jumped through hoops to make you see that I wasn’t that bad person, I’m willing to give up my life for you and it still isn’t enough. If it’s never going to be enough then you need to just tell me because I feel like I’m wasting so much of my time, putting my heart and soul into you.”
She says nothing. She actually chews on her bottom lip to make sure that words don’t come out. Again, our communication is shit. Real love isn’t supposed to be like this, it just isn’t. This isn’t exactly fate anyway, I pushed us to this point. I concocted a sneaky plan and went through the dating agency to get to her. That isn’t meant to be. That’s just a nightmare waiting to happen, a time bomb waiting to go off.
“You know what, I’m done fighting, Addie. I would fight to the ends of the world for you, but I can’t do it alone. Your actions are making it perfectly clear that this isn’t right, so we need to just…”
“Jace, I…” she starts, but she doesn’t finish which is my cue to leave.
I shake my head silently, wishing that everything had gone so differently, wishing that I’d stayed away. This was a BAND-AID to my problems, but it hasn’t solved everything. Or anything. It’s just created more problems. I need to get some breathing space; I need to get away.
I turn and leave, stomping my feet and slamming the door as I go. I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m frustrated. I hate that this conversation turned into that. I wanted it to be nice, the start of our future, not the end. But it always seems to be the end and that’s the problem. It’s just too hard. Love is supposed to be easy.
In the midst of my anger, I don’t notice the shadow of another figure heading towards me. She has her head down too and she barely notices me until we’re almost smacked up against one another.
“Jace.” Luci’s face falls. She looks at me in a thunderous way. “You’re here.”
I glance up towards Addie’s apartment and shake my head again. “Not anymore, I’m not.”
Luci’s finger points hard into my chest, making me wince with pain. “I don’t know what you think you were doing coming back here, stirring shit up again, making Addison fall for you, just so you can hurt her again.”
“That wasn’t my intention. That was never my intention.”
“You went through the dating agency, which I know is because of my stupid status about Addison and me visiting there. I’ve been thinking about it, and that’s the only way you could know. It was only online for a moment but that was enough for you to see it. That makes me think you’re a stalker, but I suppose I can’t throw that word around without proof. But whatever you did, it’s messed up, Jace.”
“I… I…” When she words it like that, it does sound pretty screwy.
<
br /> “You know that you’re toxic, Jace. You and Addison don’t work. It didn’t work before…”
“But that isn’t because I kissed someone else, Luci.”
“I saw you!” She throws her hands in frustration. “I saw it.”
“You didn’t. I even called Emma who confirmed that we didn’t kiss.”
This silences her, but only for a moment. “Well, whatever happened, it still ended, didn’t it? And judging by the look on your face it isn’t going well now, is it? Just like I thought it would.”
I don’t have anything to say to that. She’s right. It isn’t working, there is a toxicity between Addie and me. It doesn’t work, it never has. Walking away from each other is all we seem to do.
“You should just go,” Luci says with a moroseness to her tone. “Before you hurt Addison anymore.”
She is trying to be a good friend to Addie, even now. I get what she’s doing, she’s trying to save us from ourselves. She hasn’t ever been the enemy. Addie and I are our own worst enemies.
“I am going,” I tell her with a determined nod. “I am leaving.”
She looks at me with pure sympathy in her eyes. “You should go back to your old life. Go back to the band. That’s what you’re good at, that’s where you fit in. You don’t belong here anymore.”
I can’t tell Luci that I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t want her sympathy, her attention. She’s clearly going to make up with Addie and I know she needs that. I have to step aside to let that happen. I don’t want Addie to end up alone. I have people. I have my mom; I have the boys from the band who care about me…
I stalk off, my phone vibrating in my pocket as I go. It’s ringing again now, just like it has been for a while, and I don’t need to look at it to know who it is. It’s Billy. He is desperate for me to come back and so are the rest of the boys from the band. Their future hangs in the balance with me, and I’ve made them wait too long.
“Hello?” I snap into the receiver. “Billy?”