Because of Lucy

by Swallow, Lisa

  Chapter 19

  NESS

  “Sister?”

  Evan turns empty eyes to me. “Yes, she’s not well.”

  Lucy grips his jacket. “I’m fine. I just needed to know where you were. You’ve been hiding from me.”

  “Not well?” I know what he means. He’s not talking about flu.

  “I said I’m okay.” Lucy’s voice rises a decibel and Evan shakes himself back to reality.

  “Okay, Lucy. How long have you been in Leeds?”

  Lucy rubs her head. “Just today I think. I saw Matt. He told me where you were. I haven’t seen him for a while either. Why did you both leave?”

  “I came to Leeds, to study.”

  “You left when they had me. I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

  Evan’s disheveled appearance from his sister’s attack matches the disarray in his mind which is clear on his face. I want to reach out to him.

  “Sorry, Lucy,” he says softly.

  Someone comes out of the pub, a middle-aged man with receding brown hair, shrugging on a winter jacket. He regards us suspiciously. We shouldn’t stay here.

  “Do you want to come back to my house?” I ask.

  “That sounds like a great idea, you must be freezing?” Evan smiles sympathetically at his sister.

  “Sure, do you have wine there?”

  I smile at her too. “I have a friend, Abby. She has a lot of wine.”

  Lucy’s grip on Evan’s arm loosens and her eyes loose their wide-eyed fear. In silence, we head towards my house.

  ****

  Abby’s getting ready to go out when we walk in. She’s half-dressed, towel wrapped around her hair with mirror propped up on the table, applying mascara.

  “Hey…” Her voice trails off as she takes in the sight of the three of us. “Didn’t expect to see you again,” she says to Evan. “Ever.”

  “This is Lucy,” I say hoping Abby recognizes my ‘rein it in’ look. “Evan’s sister.”

  “Sister?” Abby’s hand hovers in the air, mascara brush extended.

  “Twin,” says Lucy, “That’s why we’re so close. Ness said you had wine?”

  “I do?” Abby looks at me.

  “You always do.” I say, then turn to Lucy, “Hope you like sweet, white stuff.”

  “Anything!” Lucy grins and sits on the sofa.

  Evan stands next to her, arms folded tightly across his chest. The urge to go over to him, hug him and brush the consternation from his face overwhelms me. I head to the kitchen. Evan follows me in.

  “Evan…” I reach out a hand and touch his face. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “You didn’t give me a chance.”

  “No, before the other night.”

  His lost brown eyes fix on mine. “Lucy’s the past I’m trying to escape from. Why would I bring her into my new life?”

  “She’s your sister…”

  “Fuck!” he says too loudly, then clears his throat, gaze darting to the door. “She’s not just my sister. She’s someone’s daughter, granddaughter, niece… But it’s always been down to me and I can’t do this anymore!”

  Evan picks at something dried onto the work surface. So many questions I want to ask, but so many wounds I don’t want to jab.

  “How long has she been unwell?” I say eventually.

  “Diagnosed, about three years. Undiagnosed, longer. When I left she was in hospital, responding to her meds. I don’t think she’s still taking them.” He slumps against the bench, sliding his boots forward and I’m convinced he’s going to land on the floor. “I thought because I’d gone, someone else would finally take over.”

  “You’ve had to look after her for three years?” I’m incredulous - he’s still a teenager himself.

  “Mostly. I saw something was wrong with Lucy first and got her to see a doctor. Now she always comes to me when she needs help. Doesn’t trust anyone else.”

  “But your Dad?”

  Evan makes a derisive noise. “Old school. Thinks she should pull herself together when she’s depressed and as soon as she starts tipping into mania he panics. Thinks she’s going to kill him. Because his sum total of education on her disorder comes from TV shows.”

  I reach out to him, try and hug him but he’s stiff, so I let go and lean next to him. “You can’t give her the help she needs. You’re not a doctor.” I pause. “Or her parent.”

  “I know that. But when she’s unwell, she doesn’t get that. Thinks I can fix things for her.”

  “That’s unfair. Your family can’t expect you to do this.”

  Evan rubs his face hard. “I know it’s not fair, Ness. Every time she screws up my plans, it’s not fair. But it’s not fair for her if no-one is there for her. And now she’s here, I have to do something. Again.”

  Evan’s agitation is increasing and I don’t want to push things but I’m annoyed with his family for failing him too. I have to stop myself saying something.

  Abby chats to Lucy in the other room, Lucy smiling and animated, and for once Abby can’t get a word in which amuses me - this rarely happens. Evan indicates the bottle I’m holding.

  “Probably don’t let her have too much. I need to figure out where she’s at - with her meds and stuff. She hasn’t got a bag so she can’t have any on her.”

  I hover the bottle over the glass and he frowns at me. “She’s fine. She won’t hurt anyone. She was pissed off with me for hiding from her. No-one else.”

  How did she get here and how long has she been looking for Evan; wandering the city in an unstable state?

  I watch as Evan hands the glass to his sister, how she smiles up at him, calm and happy. Evan’s calm again, speaking gently to, but not patronizing, Lucy. Almost as if he has a persona he switches on in this situation. Inside, my heart tears in two, broken for him. Evan’s words about the burden on him - his calm, logical explanation of what needs to be done to help his sister - open my eyes to who he really is. I don’t know the whole story but I’m furious he’s the person caring for his mentally ill sister, and nobody prevented her from endangering herself by coming after him.

  Chapter 20

  EVAN

  Lucy’s still awake. Talking. Burbling about animals. She has a cat, apparently. Charlie. Dad bought her the kitten shortly after I left a few weeks ago. A bloody kitten. They guy doesn’t have a clue, buys Lucy something to be responsible for when he can’t even keep her on the meds she needs. Or in the town where she lives.

  Abby goes out, and Ness politely listens to Lucy but her eyes glaze. 1:00 AM and Lucy won’t sleep, I can tell now - she’s not manic but she’s heading that way. The stress of getting here won’t have helped. I swig down my beer.

  “Lucy, did you bring any meds?” I ask.

  “I don’t need them.”

  “You do. Or you get unwell.”

  Lucy fixes me with narrowed eyes. “I got better. And then I felt like crap. I couldn’t think straight, like someone had stuffed my head with cotton wool. So I stopped.”

  “Lucy… We’ve been through this before. You can’t fix this.”

  Lucy stuffs fingers in her mouth and chews down on a nail, wriggling her toes, warning me not to push this. So far, I’ve avoided asking questions about how she’s feeling and what’s going on. How she got here. And if Dad knows. I realize I’m mirroring her, fingers in my mouth. She’s not got her meds and god knows when she last took any. I need to call Dad. But she can’t see me. I walk behind her and catch Ness’s eye, waving the phone and pointing upstairs.

  “Yes, it’s in my bedroom,” she says.

  “Cool.”

  “He’s been in your bedroom? Evan!” Lucy giggles and Ness’s cheeks turn pink.

  Being in Ness’s bedroom feels intrusive. Until a few hours ago, I waspersona non grata, now I’m in her room and trying not to think of Ness lying naked on the bed. Her neatly made bed has the ridiculous cat pajamas scrunched onto them and I remember the night she wore them at the top of the stairs. Back then
, I was free of this. For those few short weeks.

  Dad answers within three rings. “Evan?” Music blares in the background and my pulse rate speeds up. In the pub. Again.

  “Thought you might’ve called me?”

  “Why?”

  “Why? Because your daughter’s missing?”

  A pause. “Shit. Is she okay?”

  “Yeah, shit pretty much sums it up. She’s with me. Didn’t you notice?”

  “No, I’ve been busy today. Working.” Laughter in the background rolls down the phone.

  “Then you went straight to the pub? When she’s not well.”

  “She’s an adult, Evan. I’m not responsible for her.”

  It’s a fucking good job I’m in Ness’s room because if I was in mine, something would be smashed by now. “She’s ill. She lives with you. Needs your help to get better. She’s your daughter!”

  The line fades to silence, music and voices interrupting the quiet.

  “I didn’t know she was ill again,” he says.

  “She’s not going to be miraculously better in the few weeks since I last came back. I helped you get her back on her meds, calm. All you had to do was keep it going.”

  Another round of music fills the silence. “But she’s with you now?”

  Anger prickles my skin, crawling across my back. “Yeah. With no meds.”

  “Can I come for her tomorrow? I can’t drive tonight. We had a lock-in”

  My fingers curl tightly around the phone, squeezing the anger out. “A lock-in? So sitting in a pub all night and not bothering to check she’s okay.”

  “She’s safe with you?” He ignores me and my urge to slam something into the wall increases.

  “Fine. Come here tomorrow. I’ll text you the address.”

  I throw my phone onto the desk. He hit the nail on the head. She’s safe with me. Like I’m her carer. I can’t be that anymore; it’s not fair.

  I knock into Ness’s desk, her laptop’s screensaver lights up, a montage of photographs flicker across the screen. Foreign countries. Places Ness plans to visit. Freedom. I sink onto her bed, fighting back tears. I can’t cry. I won’t cry. Boys don’t fucking cry.

  ****

  NESS

  The loud phone conversation stopped ten minutes ago and Evan hasn’t come back down. I glance at Lucy who’s showing me every picture she’s ever taken on her mobile. I think we’re up to about two hundred now. I’m not kidding.

  “You’re into photography?” I ask

  “Yeah, was going to go to tech and study. Until… well, you know. Not been well. But now I’m feeling better and I might start studying. Even come to Leeds. I could live here or we could live with Evan…” And she continues, a stream of consciousness pouring out of her mouth.

  I need to see if Evan is okay. The remote rests on the coffee table and I switch on the TV, hoping a program will catch her attention. So she can focus on something other than me for a few minutes. She’s exhausting. When I flick onto a documentary full of cute looking animals, I almost cheer.

  “Oh! Wait, can we watch this?” she says, sitting forward. “Meerkats! They’re bloodyawesome. Ilove meerkats. Not as much as I love Charlie, of course. I wonder why they call them cats too. They don’t look much like cats. But they’re still awesome.”

  “Cool, I’ll be back in a few minutes. Just going to help Evan with something.”

  Lucy turns to me, eyes glinting. “Oh yeah, I get it…” she giggles. “I’ll be okay with the meerkats and the wine.” She leans into the cushioned sofa back and places her dirty shoes on the table.

  I’m working tomorrow, early shift, and this isn’t what I expected from meeting Evan this evening. Certainly not Evan in my bedroom and myself dragged into his past. The bedroom door is ajar, I push it open. Evan’s on the floor, leaning against the end of my bed, long legs outstretched.

  “Everything okay?” I whisper.

  “Fucking wonderful.”

  The light shines through the open curtains, casting shadows across Evan’s face.

  “Who did you call?”

  “My Dad. He’s coming in the morning.” He rubs his eyes. “Sorry you got dragged into this.”

  “I wish you’d told me.”

  He doesn’t reply, just stares at his boots.

  I sit down on the carpet next to him. “You should both stay here tonight. Wait for your Dad.”

  “Thanks. I’ll sit up with her. In case she disappears again.”

  “Will she?”

  He shrugs. “Maybe. If she gets manic and decides she really needs to be somewhere. Other than with me. But I’m pretty sure she’s okay for now.”

  No wonder Lucy always looks for him. His insight into who she is, where she’s at with her illness and what she needs isn’t coming from anywhere else. A twin thing maybe. And nagging in my mind one other question. Where is his Mum? He said his Dad is a single parent but she must know about her daughter. Leaning my head on his shoulder, I lace my fingers through his. His shoulders are stiff. I turn and plant a kiss on his neck and he wriggles, as if the sensation irritates him.

  “What do I do, Ness? How can I fix this?”

  “I don’t know. But this shouldn’t be down to you. You’re not her parent.”

  “But no-one’s there for her if I’m not.” His voice cracks and my heart pushes against my chest, hurting for this confused, lonely guy; isolated from others because of the burden on him.

  “Well, I’m going to help you change that, you’re not going to deal with this on your own anymore. It’s wrong.”

  Evan turns and grabs me around the chest, burying his face into my side. I stroke his hair as his quickened breathing holds in the tears and despair I know are barely restrained. As I fall asleep on the floor, I’m aware of Evan covering me with a blanket. Then returning to his sister.

  Chapter 21

  NESS

  Evan and Lucy are asleep when I leave for work the next day, Lucy across the sofa and Evan in the armchair. I skip making breakfast, grab something from the canteen at work instead. Exhaustion follows me, and hangs with me all day. Probably nothing compared to the exhaustion Evan must be feeling. Catching up with Evan’s reality was difficult, I’ve never had my understanding of someone turned so totally upside down before. Evan transformed from hedonistic student to someone grappling with responsibilities that shouldn’t be his. Pretty sure if I struggled with a secret this big, I’d be drowning myself in student life too.

  Before I start work, I send a text to let Evan know I’m thinking about him, and ask him to let me know if he needs help. I check my phone at the first break in my shift and he’s replied with a simple message.

  ‘thx & sorry & really will call soon xx’

  The next few days Evan plays on my mind and I want to help him in whatever way I can. Unsure if he wants my involvement, I decide not to contact him. If he wants to talk, he’ll call. Deciding what to say to Abby is difficult. Evan’s decision to keep his secret undoubtedly extends to Abby. We had a friend at school who suffered from depression, Abby supported her and didn’t judge but this is Evan’s business, I have no right to say anything. Abby comments on Lucy’s full-on personality and I leave the conversation there.

  A week later, a text from Evan arrives, letting me know he’s coming back to Leeds. Desperate to talk to him, my finger hovers over the ‘call’ button. No, he chose not to call for a reason. The fact he’s texted me, reached out, bolsters me enough. He’s chosen to see me again.

  Now I sit in a local cafe, warming my hands on a mug of coffee, waiting for him. We’ve been here before, during our three butterfly days, me and carefree Evan. The vinyl tablecloth is clean, condiments set out for the greasy food, the odor of the chips pervading the room. Normally I’d hanker for some but I’m not hungry, the prospect of seeing Evan again fills my stomach with acid.

  Evan walks in, face obscured by the scarf wrapped around, hair spilling down over his ears. I wave at him and he approaches, unwrapping the s
carf. Evan’s paler, and I think he’s lost weight in the short time he’s been away. He only returned yesterday and the haunted look hasn’t left him yet.

  “Did you need a drink?” he asks and I shake my head. All I want to do is stand and hug him, hold him to me like I did the night Lucy returned.

  He goes to the counter, returns with a matching mug of coffee and sits with it between his gloved hands.

  “How’ve you been, Ness?”

  “Better than you, I guess,” I say softly and reach out to touch him. The rough material of his gloves protects his skin from my touch. I hope he hasn’t reconstructed any other barriers.

  Evan takes a sip of his coffee, brown eyes regarding me over the top of the mug. I won’t avoid this.

  “How’s Lucy?” I ask.

  The moment where Evan decides whether to keep me involved or not stands between us. Unease creeps up my arms like spiders. I shouldn’t have said anything. Not so soon. Please don’t let my words push him away. He spins the mug on the table, muscle twitching in his cheek as he concentrates on the movement.

  “She wasn’t taking her meds. She’s back on them now.”

  “Oh, that’s good then?”

  “Yeah.” His voice doesn’t agree with his words.

  “Or not good?”

  “She doesn’t agree, can’t see how something that takes away her creativity helps her. How do you explain that to someone?”

  My shoulders sag in relief. He’s reaching out to me. Asking. “What happens if she doesn’t take them?”

  “She’ll be fine - for a few weeks, even months then something will start again. Depression. Or mania.”

  “I guess it’s difficult for her to accept she’s not better when she feels better.”

  Evan sighs, “Yeah. But anyway. I agreed to go and see her every weekend. Help Dad. Make sure she’s going okay.”

  I rub my cheek. He’s been sucked into the life he’s escaping again. My thoughts must’ve been evident in my face.