Sheet Music

by K. L. Myers

  I’ve been the ‘live in the moment’ guy until I met Kayla. No attachments. And honestly, I’ve never dreamt of a future with any woman because I didn’t believe in them. Then, when she walked out of my life earlier this year, I started looking at things a lot differently, and all I saw was Kayla in my future. That’s why I needed her to wait for me to finish this tour. I needed to show her that all I see is a future with her, and now the opportunity to do just that has presented itself. It’s time to lay it all out on the line.

  I sit on the floor next to her and pull her into my lap, holding her while she cries. “Shhh, princess. It’s going to be okay. I promise.” My hands tighten around her.

  “You don’t know that, Cayson. You don’t know if everything is going to be okay, and you can’t make promises about anything that is out of your control.” Her words are full of sadness.

  My hands immediately go to her waist and spin her around until she’s straddling me. “I may not be able to control your illness, but what I can control are my promises, and I promise to be there through this whole ordeal with you.” I kiss her nose. “I promise to support you one hundred percent on any decisions you make and to be there for you to discuss those decisions with openly.” I lick the tear that falls from her right eye, and then kiss her cheek. “And I promise that if it is within in my power to make whatever it is better, I will, and you know why?”

  Kayla shakes her head back and forth, indicating she doesn’t know. So that there isn’t any confusion moving forward, I tell her why. “Because I’m falling in love with you, Kayla Marshall. Hell, I might already be in love with you.” I place my hand on her heart and continue, “The real you, what’s in here, not what’s on the outside. Besides, tits are overrated.”

  Kayla tosses her head back briefly and laughs. “I’m already in love with you, Cayson Razor. I fell in love with you the day we spent in bed and you opened your heart for me to see. I just didn’t want to admit it to anyone.”

  Chapter 17

  Kayla

  My heart is full beyond anything I could have ever expected. When I received the news of my cancer, I thought to myself, Cancer is the big C. Only the word I was associating with the C wasn’t “cancer” it was “CUNT.” I know you think that doesn’t make any sense, but in my mind it does.

  See, cunt is slang for vagina, and well, a vagina is also known as a pussy, and if you look up the word “pussy” in the dictionary, it can mean weak or cowardly, and that is exactly what cancer is. A weak, cowardly way of taking away something so precious to the person who has it. It strips the life from them, sometimes taking away a person’s ability to bear children or breathe, and in worst cases, their life. For me, it took away my ability to be young and carefree. I shouldn’t have to be making life-changing decision about my health just yet. I don’t smoke, and I’ve eaten healthy. I’ve done everything in my power to stay away from bad habits, and I work out regularly. No one in my family has cancer that I am aware of, and never once did I feel sick or discomfort, so why am I the freak of nature?

  When I found out I had cancer, I freaked out completely. I was in shock, and I didn’t want to believe this could be happening to me. It was all speculation. ‘Nothing to worry about’ everyone said. I’m too young, so it’s probably just a cyst. It had completely been a non-starter for me to even begin to think about. Cayson and I were attempting a long-distance relationship, and things were going well. Then BAM! A sledgehammer to the heart when they told me. Thank God for Patricia, Brenda, and my mom because without them, I don’t think I could have made it this far.

  Patricia was the work support I needed. She took care of extending deadlines and re-assuring me that my career was going to be alright. I could take time off if need be and my fans would still be around when I was ready to come back. But I wasn’t ready to take time off; I wanted the distraction from the shitstorm that had become my life.

  Brenda was my guiding light. Between her and my mom, I always had something to eat, even if they were shoving it down my throat when I didn't want to put anything in my stomach. I can’t tell you how many days Brenda spent at my home holding me as I cried into the evening. I hated making her promise not to say anything to Cayson, but I knew if he found out, he’d rush home to make everything okay, and then he’d see how ugly I’d become and he’d want nothing to do with me. I didn’t want to risk losing what we were building together.

  Mom took Brenda’s place at night and would stay with me, so I wasn’t so alone in my bed. Mom knew just how to comfort me so I could get the sleep that eluded me every time I tried to shut my eyes. She’d rub my back like when I was a child and hum in my ear. Her voice was comforting and relaxing, and eventually, I’d fall into the abyss.

  Once I’d accepted my fate for what it was, Brenda, Mom, and I started reading anything we could find on cancer. We searched and scoured websites for information, and I finally started a blog. I’m a writer, right? So, why not. I started blogging every day. At first, it was just little notes to say how my day went. Then it grew into a way to detox the negativity that consumed me. I would scream and yell at cancer in my blog. I didn’t care if no one read it or responded. I didn’t need followers or comments; I just wanted a way to vent. Then one day, I pulled up my big girl panties and decided it was time to share all the details of my journey in hopes that someone would find my blog and it would help them, too. Low and behold, I had followers. Hundreds of followers, to be exact.

  I knew the day would come when I would have to address my current state with Cayson, and I was fully prepared to lose him, to let him walk away without feeling guilty. I was no longer the woman he’d asked to build a relationship with. I was some other woman with a dreaded disease, and the last thing Cayson Razor, the Rock God and Pleasure God extraordinaire, needed was a defective girlfriend. I hadn’t expected him to take it as well as he did, and never in my wildest dreams did I anticipate he would want to take this journey with me. I should have known better than to assume he would be so superficial. After all, I’ve seen that relationships can work out just fine. Take Fallon and Jenna; they are happily married, and they’ve had to go through some pretty rough times to get where they are today.

  “Princess, where are you?” I hear Cayson call my name from inside the cabin. Sean and Patricia lent us their place again for a couple of days.

  “I’m out here on the porch,” I call back over my shoulder.

  Cayson strolls out onto the porch wearing nothing but his ripped jeans. His tan, tattooed, muscular body is on full display. When his eyes meet mine, the bright blue that I love looking into transforms into a heady deep blue with an underlying raging fire deep inside. If this were any other day, I know my nipples would be standing straight and the heat would build between my legs. But this isn’t one of those days, sadly for me. I nestle up beside him when he sits down, enjoying the warmth his body puts off.

  “What are you doing out here, princess? It’s cooler today. Don’t you think you should be inside? I don’t want you getting sick.” Cayson pulls the blanket from beside him and tosses it over my body.

  “Isn’t it peaceful out here? Just listen,” I whisper in his ear “The sound of the wind blowing through the trees is almost musical, don’t you think.”

  “It is,” he says as his lips touch the scarf I have wrapped around my head. “Kayla, I’ve just finished chatting with the guys, and we’re going to cancel the show in Chicago the day of your surgery so I can be home with you.”

  Suddenly, the peaceful wind blowing through the trees is raging in my mind like a hurricane. “The hell you will,” I spit out at him. “This is why I didn’t want you to know anything period.” I stand, tossing the blanket on the lounge next to him, and walk through the French doors, slamming them behind me. It doesn’t take Cayson long to follow and chase me up the stairs to the bedroom, stopping me before I can slam that door in his face, too.

  “Why are you fighting me so much on this, princess? I don’t get it.” His posture is
defensive, and I can tell he is ready for a fight. If a fight is what he wants, then who am I to disappoint him?

  “Because you said yourself that was a sold-out show. The label won’t be happy that you want to cancel a show because your girlfriend is having breast surgery. People have it every day, Cayson, and do just fine.”

  “This isn’t just breast surgery, Kayla, this is cancer surgery, and you are so much more than just my”—Cayson makes air quotes with his fingers—“girlfriend.” His arms cross over his bare chest, emphasizing the size of his biceps. “Anything could go wrong, and besides that, I should be there for moral support. If I were just some joe schmoe, you wouldn’t be making this big of a deal over this.”

  “You're not just some joe schmoe,” I say as I turn to walk toward the bathroom. “You’re Cayson Razor, and lots of people depend on you every day. I’m just not one of them.” My words have the same effect as tossing a pan of scalding-hot water on him. I see him flinch the minute the words leave my mouth, but it’s too late to take them back.

  “You don’t need me. Is that what I’m hearing you say, Kayla?”

  “I’m sorry, Cayson, that came out all wrong. That’s not what I meant. Of course, I need you. I just don’t need you to be there at the hospital. It’s going to be okay. I promise. I’ll make sure someone keeps you up to date. You’ll see, everything will be just fine. Now, let's not ruin the few days we have together before you have to leave.”

  Chapter 18

  Cayson

  “They're coming to roll me away, baby. I just got a shot of something that is making me feel happy, but I actually feel like I’ve drunk way too much. I’m giving the phone to your mom. She’ll let you know when everything is over. Miss you.”

  Her words are slurred as she tells me she misses me. “Miss you, too, princess. Talk to you soon.” I think I hear her say, “Uh huh,” followed by a kissing sound, but I’m not quite sure if that is exactly what it was.

  “Cayson,” I hear my mom's voice come over the line. “Don’t worry, son, Kelsey and Patricia are here with me. We’ll be here through the whole thing. I promise she won’t be alone at all, and I’ll call you when it’s over. Gotta go, son.”

  The line goes dead before I can say another word. I thought I was prepared for all of this, but I‘m not. My head is definitely not in a right frame of mind. I should have insisted on being there with her. Instead, I’m thousands of miles away and just sitting here waiting for someone to call and tell me everything good in my life has gone bad. If it weren't for Ellie, these last three weeks would have been a disaster. Poor Ellie had her hands full. By day, she kept Rocky in line and focused on keeping clean, but at night, she would sit with me and listen to my concerns. I dumped a lot of crap on her, but she always found a positive way to spin shit to ease my mind.

  Ellie is like a little sister to me. She’s Rocky’s little sister, but she followed the band around for years, and the guys always respected her as if she was our own family. When Rocky’s parents passed a few years back, Ellie took her part of the inheritance and became quite the little entrepreneur. Lucky for me, she doesn’t have to work a nine-to-five job and can travel with her brother.

  Today, though, I’m on edge waiting to hear everything is okay, and no matter how many times Ellie tries to make me feel better, it isn’t working. I’ve tried taking pen to paper to write a new song, but I can’t get past the first few lines.

  If only the weather could match your beauty,

  Nothing would get done, and the world would just stop and stare.

  I’ve never been at a loss for words like I am today. I just can’t focus no matter how hard I try. Just as I’m ready to toss my notepad across the room, my phone rings and the sounds of ‘Lego House’ by Ed Sheeran fill the bus. Everything on the bus stops right then and there, and six pairs of eyes focus on me as I answer the phone. “Princess, everything okay?” It isn’t Kayla; it’s my mom.

  “Kayla’s in recovery, son. Everything went great. I’ll have her call you when she is awake, but I wanted you to be able to relax knowing she is going to be just fine. I love you, son, we’ll talk soon.”

  As I hang up the phone, everyone waits for me to tell them the latest news. “Kayla’s alright, you fucks, so stop staring at me and get on with your own business.” And just like that, the guys all go back to doing what they were doing and don’t give me a second thought. Everyone but Ellie, that is. Ellie comes and sits by me once more and places her hand in mine, giving it a light squeeze. She can read me like no other, and sometimes it’s scary.

  “Everything may have gone great Ellie, but it definitely is not fine. Nothing will be fine until I hear Kayla’s voice telling me she is going to be alright, that we are going to be alright. Am I too much of a girl right now?”

  Ellie’s laugh fills the bus. “You are not a girl, CJ, you're a concerned partner, and it’s understandable. You’ll feel better when you hear her voice.”

  Ellie spends the next hour entertaining me so my mind doesn’t wander into that deep, dark place that always frightens me. The one where life leaves me all alone without a shred of happiness to look forward to. I used to venture there quite frequently before I met Kayla, but since she’s been around, I rarely find myself looming there.

  Every thirty minutes, I look at my phone to make sure I haven’t missed a call or a text from Kayla. About the fifth time I look at my phone, I can’t take it any longer. It’s been over two hours since I got the call telling me she is out of surgery and everything is fine. She should be awake by now, right? She should have called. All sorts of bad things run through my mind before I decide to call her. The phone rings six times and then goes to voicemail. I leave a message and wait patiently for Kayla to call me back. After another hour, every bad outcome has tiptoed through my imagination. Did she not ever wake up? Did something go wrong and she’s back in surgery? Or maybe the unthinkable has happened, and she doesn’t ever want to talk to me again. Maybe she’s decided to be the martyr in this relationship and walk away because the outcome isn’t as fine as my mom said it would be.

  When I’m ready to crawl out of my skin, I call Mom; only it goes straight to voicemail. The same happens when I call Kelsey, Kayla’s mom. Before I think, I hurl my phone across the bus, missing Sean’s head by a few inches before it crashes against the wall. Thank God for shatterproof cases. Sean shifts in his chair, glaring back at me. “What the fuck, CJ?”

  “No one’s answering their fucking phones. I have no idea what’s going on, damn it, and I can’t take it,” I growl out at him. “Do something, will you? Call your wife. Do your job and find out what the fuck is going on with my girl.” I pause a moment to take a deep breath. “Please, Sean, find out what’s going on.”

  Sean nods once and then reaches for his phone that is resting on the table beside him. I watch as he punches in the number to his wife and begins to talk. Even though my eyes are seeing his lips move, my ears are not hearing what he is saying. I continue to glower at him until he finally ends the call and speaks. “She’s fine, CJ, but she’s asleep. They’re letting her rest and recover. No one has their phone on because they didn’t want it to ring and wake her up.” Sean looks pleased with himself when he goes on, “Like anyone would call and wake her up. Who would do such a thing? After all, they would know that everything went okay and that someone would call if it weren't.” The last sentence is stated matter-of-factly and followed with a glare directed at me.

  Ellie turns to me. “Don’t pay any attention to him, CJ. He's just an insensitive dickwad. I’d have called, too.”

  I’ve waited patiently for someone to call, but no one has. It’s almost nine and time for dinner, so I vow to give them through dinner, but if I haven’t heard from someone by the time it’s over, I’m blowing up every phone between here and there until I hear her voice. We'll be stopping soon, and just knowing I’ll have a chance to breathe in some fresh air relaxes me slightly. Any other day, I would love the comradery of being con
fined with my brothers on the bus. But today, I just want to be left alone, to be far away from everyone, which isn’t going to happen when you’re doing seventy miles an hour down a highway. As soon as the bus doors open, I’m the first down the stairs and out the door. I stretch looking up into the night sky, enjoying the cool air and breeze on my body.

  One by one, everyone files off the bus and heads for the truck stop diner door. We all file in and head to the back corner of the diner where we can have a little peace and quiet. I pass a table where a family of four out-of-control boys and one quiet little blond girl sit, scribbling on a piece of paper. I’m only a few steps away when I hear, “Kayla, come back here.” I immediately stop in my tracks and turn to see the little girl following me. She stops just feet in front of me and speaks, “Are you sad, mister?”

  Looking down at her, I smile. “No, I’m not sad.” I point to the table. “Your mom is calling you.”

  Little Kayla is not fazed by her mom’s voice. “My dad used to be sad when my mom was sick, and he looked like you, but now my mom is all better, and we’re going to Disneyland.” Just then, a hand lands on Kayla’s shoulder.

  “I’m sorry,” her mother tells me. “She’s very friendly and sometimes speaks without thinking. She hasn’t quite grasped the concept of stranger danger. I hope she hasn’t offended you.”