Koi Good News?

by Zarreen Khan

  Laila has obviously done some sort of black magic over everyone in my family!

  Week 24

  Around this time, your baby’s taste buds start developing

  Mona

  Back home, after Suhani bua’s weekly doomful call, I got a call from Ramit’s Mummy:

  ‘As per Google,’ she said knowledgably, ‘your baby can now taste what you’re eating.’

  Someone has clearly taught her how to use the internet to give us a harder time. She’s obviously sick of Ramit putting her down with his Googled pregnancy knowledge.

  ‘No, Mummy, I don’t think it can taste what I’m eating. I think the taste buds are starting to develop but actual tasting doesn’t happen till much later,’ I explained gently.

  ‘I think you should ask that doctor about it.’

  ‘Her name’s Dr Mehak.’

  ‘That is a nice name. It’s better than Alina.’ She doesn’t approve of our shortlist, clearly. ‘Rina, Mina, Tina, Alina, so common, no?’

  Because common names are not so common in the Deol family, right?

  Then she sniffed pitifully. ‘I know I’m only the grandmother, but have you considered the name Avni?’

  Ramit

  I had been looking forward to a sumptuous spread at the dining table today since Rani had arrived from Dehradun, but I found myself faced with lauki, tori and tinda.

  Mona stared at her plate hatefully too.

  ‘Apparently I’m supposed to eat this now,’ she said dismally.

  I walked to the kitchen and made myself a cheese sandwich. I’m not the one with a baby in my stomach. Uterus. I don’t have a uterus. Whatever.

  Mona

  Ramit has been complaining non-stop about being faced with morbid, bland, nutritious food for three days. So to make a point, I asked Laila, who was over to say hello, how her vegetable guzzling is going. So that Ramit could see that pregnant women are supposed to eat healthy.

  ‘Oh, terribly. I end up having boiled veggies all the time!’ I looked over at Ramit, who refused to look up from his phone. ‘But I don’t want to put on too much weight so I am being careful, of course. Otherwise, there’re so many nicer ways of having the veggies. I mean, vegetable lasagne, cream of broccoli soup, cheesy cauliflower…’ Ramit then looked up with interest.

  ‘But, I’m already four kilos up now,’ she continued, ‘and I have to be careful I don’t put on more than eight or nine. So difficult to lose it later. So well, we’re having the usual vegetables sautéd in soy sauce, vegetable pulaos, salt and pepper – grilled, not fried … though sometimes I do cheat and have them fried in the air fryer. But Shashi doesn’t mind it. He’s always been good with veggies.’

  ‘So there are better ways of eating veggies.’ Ramit looked at me pointedly.

  I ignored him. All I could think of was Laila saying she’s four kgs up. Four kgs! I was four kgs up within a month!

  Then Ramit stood up and poured himself a glass of wine, to which Laila said, ‘Oh, do you have a red? I wouldn’t mind a glass. I’ve had such a long day at work.’

  Is she serious?

  ‘Is it safe?’ Ramit asked.

  She laughed. ‘Of course!’ She looked over at me questioningly. ‘Haven’t you been drinking? A glass or two is okay, you know.’

  I’m a behenji all over again.

  Week 25

  Friends and family may bombard you with advice on pregnancy and labour

  Mona

  Tina Tej Mushran is sitting cross-legged on my sofa again, holding an electric cigarette and blowing out puffs of smoke.

  ‘Tej has warned me to stop. So here’s to electric ones now. They taste nothing like the real thing. Nothing.’

  Yet there she is, puffing away like a train engine. I still don’t understand why she’s planted herself in my living room.

  ‘I was on my way to Anandita Dasgupta’s art exhibition. She’s such a dear friend of mine, so close. In fact, I was invited for her grandfather’s ninetieth birthday only last week. If there’s anyone who knows how to throw a party, it’s darling Anandita. The catering … lip-smacking and how! And Laila, of course. She throws great parties too. Oh it was divine, what she did last year for Shashi’s. It was his fortieth, you know. Too bad they went away to Maldives this year. I was hoping for a party. She was getting the same caterers as the ones at Akanksha Sarovar’s engagement. Too bad that engagement broke up. Anyway, Andy’s exhibition was just down the road so I thought I’d come see you too. How’re you keeping, love?’

  ‘I’m doing fine.’

  She studies me critically and then exhales another electric puff.

  ‘So, labour, huh?’

  This seems to be quite a conversation starter.

  Mrs Kapoor at the park also recently narrated all her gory stories about labour.

  ‘Asha was born after seventeen hours of labour. And unlike these modern women, I didn’t take an injection, you know. I was totally natural. Normal delivery. I was the first one to deliver normally on my entire in-laws’ side. My mother-in-law gave me five tola gold. Has your mother-in-law told you what she’ll be giving you?’

  As if I needed a reward for popping out a child!

  And then there are my own mother’s stories!

  ‘You were the more difficult one. I went in at 1 a.m., you arrived at 3 p.m. But Shania, she was quite easy. Two hours tops. Probably that’s where the easiness ended with Shania. Mona, she told me yesterday she wants to get her belly button pierced. I’ve told her I’ve had it! Next thing you know she’ll want a nipple pierced and…’

  And the mother-in-law’s stories:

  ‘Ramit was a C-sec. Somesh bhabi’s three children were C-sections too. Vishi toh almost died while giving birth to Swaroop. It’s the size of his head, you know. Too large. It got stuck, they say. And Roshini, she shat on the labour table while pushing.’

  Now I don’t know how I’ll ever look at Roshini’s face without thinking of that story.

  ‘Mine was so painful, don’t ask,’ Tina Tej says now. I haven’t asked, of course.

  ‘I took the epidural immediately, you know. I’m so bad with pain,’ she says dramatically. ‘I’d told my doc weeks in advance that the minute I break my water, I want the goddamn injection in me. Dr Shimauli, the same one Laila’s going to? Very well known. So is Mehak, the one you’re going to; I know her personally. She was the doctor for my close friend Mini Ahuja. You know her, right? Married to Vikas Ahuja of Le Torini Spa and Hotels? Anyway, Laila has been wanting to go the whole natural way. Says she’s heard too many stories about backache and recovery issues with the epidural to try it. She thinks she’s being brave. I think she’s being bloody stupid. I told her, Laila, darling, I was twenty-four when I had my first one. You’re thirty-eight.’

  Laila is thirty-eight!

  ‘Oh, you do know she’s thirty-eight, right?’ Tina says, judging my expression. ‘That’s right. And Shashi’s forty-one. Not the youngest of parents. But then again, there are so many oldish parents now. And it’s a first baby for both of them. He’ll be one hell of a looker. I’m assuming it’s a boy. Can’t imagine alpha male Shashi with a girl. What with his good looks? And she’s drop-dead gorgeous too, isn’t she? When I’d first met her in Singapore ten years ago, she was nothing like this, of course. She was just getting out of her failed relationship with that horrible Mohit Kanwar.’

  I think my jaw drops open, and Tina notices as she takes a drag of her e-cigarette.

  ‘Oh, you didn’t know that, did you? Yes, she was seeing that horrible cricketer for years. He was such a womaniser. He kept trying to get his hands all over me when we’d met at a party. He married that actress Firdaus, no? We’re family friends. Anyway, I was so glad when Laila met Shashi. He is so charming! Everything a woman wants. Sexy, smart, suave, charming. It was a good thing Shashi was able to get out of the whole alimony business with his first wife. I never did like her. Their marriage lasted three months but she was a nasty cookie, all right. Or so Laila te
lls me. Oh, you didn’t know he was divorced?’

  By now, my head is crammed with so much information, I feel like it’s about to explode.

  And then when I think I’ve had enough new information to digest, Tina Tej Mushran drops a bombshell.

  ‘I wonder whether they’ll give the baby Shashi’s last name or Laila’s.’

  ‘The baby will get the father’s surname, no?’ I say.

  ‘Yes, I suppose he will.’ Tina inhales deeply. ‘Though, of course, they’re not married, so I’m assuming they’ll have to have some legal adoption paperwork to sort out?’

  Week 26

  Your baby will now be moving around quite vigorously and may even respond to loud noises

  Mona

  ‘Switch off the radio! It’s too loud,’ I complained to Rani.

  ‘Still headache hai?’ she asked me with great concern.

  My head was splitting and I couldn’t even have a painkiller. Rani was worried. She had ditched the veggies and made me chicken casserole to help me feel better. But nothing was working.

  After Tina dropped the bomb on me, she whispered about how Shashi is not very sure about the baby at all. This pregnancy has been a strain on their relationship and they’ve even been seen arguing in public. He hadn’t gone for a single scan with Laila. Yes, they’ve been travelling together, but she thinks Laila is painting a far rosier picture of their relationship than it really is. He isn’t pleased about a baby at all.

  He should’ve thought of that before unbuttoning her shirt in the living room with the windows wide open, I thought angrily.

  I wanted Tina to leave right then. I thought my water was going to break, just picturing Laila going for all the scans on her own. And for going through this pregnancy all alone. No wonder she had been so friendly with my mothers and even with the whacko Shania. It’s obviously because she has no family of her own, now that she’s living in with a man who doesn’t want to marry her. Poor, poor girl. Being a single mother can’t be an easy task. How brave of her! And how unwelcoming I had been with her.

  Right after Tina left, I bawled and bawled and bawled till Ramit got home and comforted me by saying it’s best not to meddle in their private life.

  But Laila is my friend.

  Ramit

  Mona really surprises me. I would have thought that hearing of an unmarried couple going through a pregnancy would have made her disapprove more of them. But instead of that, she is actually feeling sorry for Laila, and after she finally stopped crying, she sat down to work out a plan to help Laila with the pregnancy. She wants to go with Laila for the doctor visits and scans.

  And then she bitched the shit out of Shashi.

  I told her we should think it through and see how Laila wants to manage it. She’s never told us about their relationship herself so it’s best to give them space.

  Then distracted her by planning a trip to Dehradun to see her folks before she’s unable to travel. That made her cry even more. That she had a family she could go to and Laila had none.

  Mona

  Airports are such happy places and flying to Dehradun usually makes me happy, but this time I felt so low. Kept thinking about Laila. I’m sure she didn’t want to tell us about their marital status because she’s embarrassed to be having a baby out of wedlock.

  And look at me! I’d been introducing her as Shashi’s wife to so many people and she’d never bothered correcting me. She may have secretly wanted to be his wife but that man, that awful, horrible man, he doesn’t want the baby or her. Well, that’s not what Tina said exactly, but why won’t he marry her now that she’s pregnant!

  Actually to think of it, no one ever introduced her as Shashi’s wife. Laila never said it. Tina never did. I simply assumed they were a couple. A married couple.

  And then I remember the shadow that crossed her face when I’d asked her where her folks were. Obviously her folks don’t want to have anything to do with her. She’s living in with a divorced man. She doesn’t have any family.

  And that made me burst into tears again.

  Ramit

  Been volleying calls from Mummy all morning. She is livid that I’ve taken time off for Dehradun and am not coming to Amritsar instead. She insists Mona will be better taken care of in Amritsar as there are lots more people to watch out for her and we as a family cumulatively have more experience with pregnant ladies.

  Then she went on and on about how it should be a trip to Amritsar not Doon, if this is the last week Mona can fly safely without the doctor’s permission.

  Then she went on and on about how we should not be flying at all.

  So I told her boarding was starting and switched off my phone, even though we had another hour to kill.

  Mona

  I’m a whole lot calmer by the time I get home. It’s been a year since my last visit. Mom is thrilled and pottering around in what seems to be a cross between a patiali salwar and capris. I don’t even know how to describe it. And Dad, he’s meeting me for the first time since my pregnancy and he doesn’t say anything about the bump.

  ‘Ah Mona!’ he says giving me a hug. ‘Ramit, drink?’

  Ramit

  Being home lifted Mona’s spirits. Some lady in a business suit walked in, carrying a briefcase, and it took me a minute to realize it was Shania. She’s off her yogi phase and now claims to be studying fashion designing.

  Mom brought out caramel cake and Mona looked pained. I recalled Laila asking for the recipe and realized Mona must have been thinking of it too.

  Then when Mona’s Mom asked how Laila was doing, Mona started sobbing. Made an excuse about pregnancy hormones. I think it’s so sweet of Mona to not discuss Laila’s situation with anyone. She wants to respect her privacy.

  Her tears dried up when Mom announced that the buas were coming over for dinner. Which means Suhani bua with a suitcase full of tragic stories of doom and gloom.

  Mona

  I thought I had been successful in keeping my emotions under control this whole weekend – I tried not to think about Laila, tried not to let Suhani bua’s dreadful stories overwhelm me, tried not to get all weepy about Mom placing a cot in my room. And then, just as we were leaving for the airport, my dad came up to me and said that there was something he wanted me to see. He had spent the entire weekend discussing business and politics and God knows what all with Ramit, so I was surprised at him approaching me for a change!

  He took me to his garage studio and presented me with this gorgeous painting of a mother and child, which simply glows off the canvas. I could feel the happiness on the mother’s face as her eyes crinkled at the sight of the child. And the purity of the bond as the child gazed up at her.

  ‘It’s for you, Mona, my baby girl. It’s to symbolize this journey, and I can’t tell you how proud I am of what you’ve become. You’ll make the most amazing mother. I love you, my baby.’

  And just as he kissed the top of my head, I obviously burst into tears.

  Laila doesn’t have her father gifting her a painting at a time like this. Laila’s child won’t have a father either.

  Ramit

  I tell her people have kids outside their marriage all the time and maybe Tina was only exaggerating. Maybe Laila is indeed happy and maybe they just don’t want to get married.

  My wife thinks she’s being all nice about the situation by not judging Laila’s lifestyle but actually she is being quite invasive.

  Week 27

  Your baby’s activities may make it harder for you

  to sleep at night

  Mona

  Haven’t been sleeping very well since the news about Laila. And the baby being so big and doing God knows what in there isn’t helping things.

  Anyway, finally decided on what to do and turned up at Laila’s doorstep with a caramel cake early evening.

  She was delighted and welcomed me in.

  Now here was my plan. I would be honest with her and offer my help. I wanted her to know that we could be the family
she doesn’t have. She’s not in this alone. That we would take her in if Shashi, the two-faced, evil @&#! wasn’t being supportive. That I would go with her to the doctor. That I would be there.

  But when I sat across from her and saw her cheerfully wolfing down the cake, I lost my nerve.

  ‘So the next scan is due in another couple of weeks,’ I said instead.

  ‘It is? My doctor hasn’t told me about it so I’m guessing it’s further away for me.’ She smiled at me angelically. She really is beautiful.

  ‘Will Shashi be going with you?’ I blurted stupidly.

  She chewed on the cake for a bit and then pleasantly shook her head. ‘No, I don’t think so. He’s typically quite busy with his work and anyway, doctor visits are just not his thing.’ She snorted. ‘And seriously, it’s not like it’s a surgery. It’s just a scan. Don’t know why they make a big deal about it.’ I felt a bit sheepish about my excitement about the scan.

  ‘Tina would go alone for her scans too,’ Laila added. ‘Especially during Sameer’s time. I think by then Tej was so done with it.’

  ‘I can come with you, if you like,’ I offered.

  She looked at me in surprise. ‘Oh. That’s very nice of you to offer. Thanks. But no, don’t worry. I’ll manage. I know Shimauli very well so it’s no issue at all. Shimauli’s my doctor. She always comes with me for the ultrasound.’

  ‘Still. You shouldn’t go for scans and doctor visits on your own.’ I sounded as ancient as the mothers but I brushed that aside. This was for a good cause.

  She smiled at me again, amused. ‘It’s all right, Mona. Don’t worry about it. I’m used to it. In fact, I’ve lived on my own for fifteen years in Singapore. I’ve even been to the emergency room on my own multiple times. And it’s so much easier here in India. I personally know the doctor and I can easily go on my own.’

  So she basically admitted that she’s alone. I blinked back tears and then decided to be blunt. ‘Look. I know about you and Shashi. And I just want you to know…’