Koi Good News?

by Zarreen Khan

  Ramit

  Shania sent me a text saying they were ready. So I drove Mona home. She glared at me the whole way.

  The amount of excitement and coordination we went through … and this is the mood I’ve put her in!

  Mona

  I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING FAMILY AND FRIENDS!

  They threw me the most gorgeous baby shower in the world!

  Mummy flew down from Amritsar, Shania apparently had been here all night without my knowing it. Laila and Tina helped with the planning, and my friends, who I haven’t seen in so long, were all there! Along with a bunch of strangers who claimed to be Shania’s friends but whatever. And even the bheed cousins were full of fun.

  They made me wear a crown that said mom-to-be and we played games with bibs and diapers and everyone clicked pictures with me and they teased Ramit, whose rabbit ears stayed red all evening. Then I cut this gorgeous baby cake (though it was a bit weird to bite into a baby’s bum) but it was deliciously chocolatey inside.

  Tina Tej Mushran raved about the cake and the baker she’d hired to do this for us. Mom was back to her old fashion sense, dressed in a yellow and black sari – she looked like a local taxi. Turns out she had fought with Shania right before the party and didn’t want her fashion advice. And Mummy was too busy with the Deol women to argue with my Mom. So there was basically a lot of peace and fun and laughter and it seemed like even Laila was enjoying herself with the crazy Deols.

  And Ramit, oh Ramit was sooooo funny!

  Ramit

  I was asked, if the baby’s hungry and Mona isn’t at home, what would you feed the baby?

  Apparently, the right answer is Cerelac. Not Nerolac.

  Cerelac is cereal. Nerolac is paint.

  Mona

  Flooded with gorgeous baby clothes. I held some up against my face and nuzzled them.

  ‘You know this new born baby smell everyone keeps talking about?’ Shania whispered to me. ‘I personally think they stink. I went to see Rustam’s baby last week. Argh! Clearly you mothers lose all sense of smell after the delivery.’

  She was browsing Facebook. ‘Look at this baby. Now look at this one. They look the same, no? Bloody can’t tell babies apart. Even your cousin Mohini’s baby … Wait, why is she on my friends’ list? Unfriend!’

  Week 34

  Research shows that reading or talking to the baby helps it develop its language skills

  Mona

  Walked across to Laila’s house and it was filled with music. Laila was sitting on her couch, working on some presentation and listening to Western classical music. Beethoven or something. Maybe. I don’t know.

  She was pleased to see me.

  ‘How’ve you been?’

  ‘Waddling away,’ I confessed. ‘You haven’t gone to work today, I noticed. Feeling all right?’

  ‘I have to meet Dr Shimauli at noon so I thought I’d work from home before that.’

  ‘What’s with the music?’

  ‘Oh, you’re supposed to listen to lots of classical music when you’re pregnant. It raises an intelligent child.’

  And all this while I’ve been listening to remixes by DJ Suketu. My poor baby!

  ‘I’ve also started reading books aloud,’ Laila told me, pointing to a book on the table.

  ‘Pride and Prejudice?’

  ‘My favourite! Best thing to read to a baby, no? So beautifully written.’

  And the last book I read was the Cosmo! Twenty-one ways to brighten your skin. What kind of frivolous mindless baby was I going to bring into this world!

  ‘Sure, sure. Anyway, thank you so much for organizing the baby shower last week.’

  ‘Oh no. It was all Shania’s doing. She is thrilled about becoming an aunt,’ Laila said, smiling.

  Shania? The one who said kids stink and all of them look alike?

  ‘Yes, I guess,’ I muttered. ‘Anyway, when does your maternity leave start?’

  ‘I guess I’ll try and work till the end. That way I’ll get three months off after the baby. Tina’s jappa will be here for six months, anyway.’

  ‘Jappa?’

  ‘Oh, haven’t you heard of them? They’re these baby nannies who do everything for your baby. Tina had one for all her babies.’

  I made a mental note to ask Ramit.

  ‘How does one get a jappa?’

  ‘Hmmm. I’ll ask Tina. They’re not very cheap, let me warn you. 20K odd.’

  I made a mental note to con Ramit.

  Ramit

  I’m sorry Mona, but I’m not hiring some jappa-wappa for 20 thousand a month! Mummy can come stay with us instead.

  End of story!

  Mona

  Does he think his Mummy is some sort of a maid?

  And then it struck me. This pregnancy is not the end of people staying with us. We’ll be hosting the mothers for years to come!

  Ramit

  And now we’re listening to Beethoven. Why? Because Laila has told Mona that listening to classical music helps develop the baby’s intellect.

  This is a Deol baby. Does Mona not understand that not much can be done about their intelligence? In fact, I’m sure that a live concert by Beethoven also would not do much about our baby’s intelligence.

  Mona

  Of course I know it’s a Deol baby. It therefore needs all the help it can get!

  Uff!

  Decided to read to the baby. Can’t find a single decent book in this house. Started reading the leather-bound National Geographic series that sits in our drawing room as a show piece. Fell asleep on page two.

  Ramit

  Laila was over in the evening when I got back. She showed me a 3D scan of her baby. Very sharp features, like the parents.

  Then she said to Mona, ‘I don’t know if you feel like it, but every time I walk into the maternity clinic I feel so … animal-like! You suddenly feel like a pregnant dog or a pregnant cow and generally, it’s nature’s doing at large. It’s the most primal instinct, isn’t it, to make a baby? To have sex?’

  Mona

  Ramit’s ears flaming again as he excused himself. Can’t handle any sort of sex talk! I must admit I blushed too and quickly changed the subject.

  But after some time, Laila’s excitement sobered down and she got a bit misty-eyed. She said she has to start shopping and wondered if I would like to help her? I’m assuming Shashi isn’t being very helpful.

  I really wonder how much longer they’ll be able to hold on to this relationship.

  I got misty-eyed myself.

  Ramit

  I left them talking about sex fifteen minutes ago and now they’re crying.

  I can never imagine men crying while discussing sex. Women are impossible to understand.

  Week 35

  Get a pedicure. It may be hard for you to reach that hard skin on your feet now that you bump is in the way

  Ramit

  Mona is mighty excited that Laila and she are off to an afternoon of indulgence and beautification. She asked me about a million times whether I’m okay being home alone on a Saturday but I’ve told her to just go. Besides, I’m not alone. Rani is here, making me a feast. And since next week Shania will be here, this peace I deserve.

  Mona

  So here we are, getting lovely head massages, manicures and blow-dries when Laila calls the girl and orders two pedicures.

  ‘Pedicure? During pregnancy?’ I ask.

  ‘Of course. Why not?’

  Here’s the thing. One of the initial few instructions Mom had barked down upon me had been ‘no pedicures during pregnancy’. Apparently some pressure points on your feet send you into labour.

  I was about to tell Laila just as much when Tina Tej walked in and planted herself on the chair next to mine.

  ‘One pedicure and head massage,’ she ordered, immediately sinking her feet into the tub.

  Now I didn’t want to sound like a paranoid soul. Especially since I’m anyway thirty-five weeks pregnant and the baby is fully formed and it’s sa
fe to go into labour. But what if Laila …

  Ramit

  Mona’s Mom called me to say Mona wasn’t answering her phone. I told her she was at the parlour. She asked me what for. As if I’m supposed to know the details!

  I dialled Mona and asked her to call Mom back.

  ‘I can’t!’ she said.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I’m getting a pedicure!’

  ‘But that’s for the feet, right? Why are your hands not free to make a call?’

  ‘Because if Mom finds out I’m getting a pedicure she will freak out.’

  ‘Because she doesn’t like clean feet?’

  ‘Because she believes pedicures induce labour.’

  ‘And is it inducing labour?’

  She didn’t respond, so I called but the line got disconnected. And then her phone went off.

  I wasted the full afternoon panicking.

  Anyway, she got back finally and there were no signs of labour.

  Then she told me how relaxing it was and how Laila kept making these orgasmic sounds and Mona kept wondering if Laila was confusing labour for orgasms. And then Mona laughed and laughed about how my ears turned red at the O-word.

  Week 36

  Don’t leave any crucial preparations for the baby’s arrival for the last minute

  Mona

  I never, ever thought I would admire Shania’s guts.

  She turned up this morning and announced she was off for a belly dancing class.

  ‘And how does that suit your fashion designer career journey?’

  ‘Well, it doesn’t. But it does broaden my horizons. It’s with the ashram gang, anyway. They believe belly dancing is a great stress reliever. Om Shanti Shanti Peace Peace Shanti!’

  Oh no! I’d never known a phase to return, but now … she started giggling.

  ‘Don’t worry. I’m off saris and ashrams. Besides, Dad kind of, well, he was a little put-off by my sari style.’

  Dad! He never says anything. She must’ve really offended him!

  ‘What did he say?’

  ‘He said I should audition for Baywatch. How can a sari be offensive, di?’

  I didn’t want to argue with her. ‘So then why are you going for this belly dancing ashram thing again?’

  ‘There was this really cute guy at the ashram, he’s going to be there.’

  Had to be a guy.

  Ramit

  A guy who’s doing belly dancing?

  I wanted to say something, but decided it was best if I stayed hooked on to my phone.

  Mona

  My feet really hurt a lot nowadays. So when Shania got home, I was sitting with my feet up. I told her a massage would help. And she obliged! Maybe she is growing up!

  Then I wondered aloud who Laila would be turning to when her feet hurt.

  ‘To her husband, of course,’ Shania said scornfully. ‘This is the husband’s job, not a poor, tired-from-belly-dancing sister’s.’

  ‘Well, screw your belly dancing. If you think I’m going to get angry and pull my feet away at your rudeness, you’re wrong. I mean, I am angry, but I’m not pulling my feet away.’ I let her continue the massage and though she dug her bony knuckles deeper in the attempt to get fired, it was better than nothing, so I lay back and closed my eyes, bearing the pain with the pleasure.

  ‘Anyway, he’s not her husband, you know,’ I added casually.

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Shashi. They’re not married.’

  Shania stopped and stared at me. ‘What?’

  ‘He’s not her husband. He’s her boyfriend. And he’s been giving her a hard time with this whole baby thing. Apparently doesn’t acknowledge it at all and she’s really going through this whole thing on her own.’

  Shania just sat in shock and stared at me. I cracked one eye open and told her to continue. Her hands became gentler as she prodded me for more information, which I gave her. Then she looked away thoughtfully and I wondered if she’d finally seen the sense in not having a baby without being married first. It’s a lot of hard work.

  But then, oh my God, I wondered if she was thinking that she now had a chance with Shashi since he wasn’t married. I mean, the guy looks like Milind Soman and he’s single! Kind of.

  Ramit

  So the sister-in-law, being what she is, stormed into the Sachdev household and created pandemonium. I could not believe it and would not have even known of it if Mona hadn’t asked me to draw the curtains downstairs before retiring to bed. So I went paddling down and looked out of the window to find Shania standing in our neighbour’s living room, waving her arms around in giant circles and being quite animated. Shashi Sachdev was standing with his arms crossed and Laila was sitting forlornly on a chair. I couldn’t understand at all, but decided to leave it for the next morning. Why let Mona’s crazy sister ruin our sleep!

  I only broached the topic this morning at the breakfast table and asked Shania what she’d been upto at the Sachdev household. She told me she’d gone for a chat.

  ‘First of all,’ she added, ‘it’s not the Sachdev household. It’s Laila and Shashi’s house. They’ve bought it together. And Laila is not a Sachdev. Not yet, anyway.’

  Mona raised an eyebrow at her.

  ‘Secondly, they needed my help. I know they didn’t ask me for it but I’ve liked Laila since day one and we’ve been in touch, so I couldn’t just sit here and pity her situation after what di told me last night. Besides, I’m a certified counsellor. You guys know that, right?’

  ‘You’re a what?’ Mona asked in horror.

  ‘And what did you tell them?’ I asked.

  ‘I just helped them sort out their differences.’

  ‘You did what?’ Mona asked again.

  ‘And are their differences sorted?’ I asked sarcastically.

  Shania munched her cereal thoughtfully. ‘In my experience, I’ll give it a week.’

  Mona

  I no longer know how to face Laila. I was finally beginning to like her and she was beginning to like me and now she’ll think I’m some sort of loudmouth, discussing her private life with my immature sister who thinks she’s some sort of certified counsellor. I think the only person who really needs counselling is Shania. And maybe Mom, because her mismatched dressing sense is really an outcome of her mismatched mind. And maybe Dad, because he just lives inside his canvas and paints and hasn’t really been really present in the real world for years. And maybe Ramit, because he doesn’t look up from his phone. And Mummy because she’s just so bossy.

  And maybe, me. Because I don’t know why I’m so mean to everyone and why I can’t use my brains on my business idea instead of wasting it all the time on judging people.

  Ramit

  Laila turned up looking pale. Asked to see Shania and they’re now huddled in Shania’s room.

  Mona was moaning about how she wasn’t included and how Laila must be mad at her.

  Then Shania walked out and patted Mona’s arm and said Mona can’t be included in this because she’s pregnant and she shouldn’t stress herself out and Shania has the situation under control.

  Mona

  Situation under control! She hasn’t had anything under control ever!

  I called Mom but she disconnected. Then I called her again.

  This time she spoke in hushed tones. ‘Suhani is here. With yet another morbid story. I’ll call you later, okay?’

  Week 37

  Your belly may look as though it’s started to slide down

  Mona

  Everyone now has an opinion on when I am going to go into labour.

  To start with, my doctor.

  I went for a visit and she asked me to come weekly now.

  ‘Oh Mona, any time now. Perhaps it’ll be this week.’

  Mom has been panicking because she’s invited the buas for tea on Saturday and won’t be able to make it if I go into labour. My very own mother is planning to miss my labour, something she has dreamed of for the last four years, because of
her tea party? I told her as much but it fell on deaf ears.

  On the other hand, Mummy told Bade Papa and he spoke to the airport guys and apparently now she’s allowed to board a plane to Delhi within a half hour notice.

  In fact, she was boasting that now every time a flight leaves for Delhi, someone from the airport calls her before they close boarding. Mummy’s exaggeration is really becoming too Amritsari for its own good.

  Also, Shania showed me her hospital bag.

  ‘Why?’ I ask her.

  ‘Arrey! You think jeejs is going to stay with you overnight? No. The mothers will insist he get some rest and they will fight like Superman and Batman to stay with you. And guess who you’ll be wishing you had asked earlier. Me. So I might as well be prepared.’

  The probability of that situation did seem very high. So I decided to pay special attention to her packing. I had to reject three outfits on account of being too bold.

  ‘I’m a designer now, di. This is fashion. You can’t stop me.’

  ‘This really looks like a slutty nurse outfit.’ I said, and then worried that she had chosen it precisely for that reason.

  Ramit

  On Sunday, Mona and I decided to get some fresh air and went for a stroll in the park. Suhani bua had told Mona some horror story about a neighbour going into labour during her evening walk. Since Mona really wants the baby out now , it seemed like a good option to try. Only, she waddled more than walked. I wanted to call her Donald Duck but then good sense prevailed.

  Some woman in ankle-high sports shoes and salwar suit with her dupatta knotted on the side immediately dashed across to us.

  ‘Aap Mr Deol?’ she asked me excitedly.

  I looked over at Mona, who introduced the lady as Mrs Kapoor.

  She immediately scanned Mona’s belly.

  ‘It’s still very much high. No chance of labour right now.’

  Seems like everyone’s a doctor now.

  Mona

  Ramit’s Mummy called me, sounding highly irritable. Something about ‘these people’ and pregnancies. I guessed she was talking about the Deols. Look, to be fair, Mummy is fairly reasonable and intelligent and doesn’t deserve to be labelled a Deol. Much like me. And now she’s stuck with them all the time. No wonder she’s happy to drop everything and rush to Delhi to be with us.