Koi Good News?

by Zarreen Khan

  ‘Adriana! Of all names, they picked Adriana!’

  Decided to leave Mona to her madness and went off to sleep.

  She woke me up at 3:53 a.m. and declared that if we have a daughter, she will be called Natalia and if it’s a boy, he’ll be called Zayn.

  Who does she think she’s giving birth to? Some teenybopper popstar?

  Mona

  Uff! So sick of this endless waiting. And everyone keeps asking me how I’m still pregnant, like I’m choosing this!

  Even Suhani bua, who till last week had sounded doomful about pre-term labour, calls me up today and sounds doomful about not going into labour.

  ‘Is there even a baby inside you!’

  ‘Bua, I’m 82 kilos! There better be a baby inside me!’

  ‘82 kilos! Mona! That’s too much! When I had Shubh I was 65 kilos max. What have you done to yourself? That’s why you haven’t gone into labour. Please go to the doctor immediately!’

  All these years I thought the Deols were bad. Turns out the only reason I’ve been able to adjust with them is because I had been dealing with the cracked Mathur family all my life!

  Week 41

  Don’t fret – you won’t be pregnant forever

  Mona

  I’m going to be pregnant forever! That’s just how it is! I’m in my forty-first week now!

  Ten missed calls a day from Suhani bua.

  Twenty calls a day from Mummy. Like we’ll forget to inform her when I go into labour.

  No calls from Mom because she’s here with us now, her tea-party obligations over.

  No calls from Shania because she’s too busy setting up her marriage counselling website.

  Ramit

  I decide to accompany Mona on her next appointment with Dr Mehak. I am going to be stern and ask the doctor when the baby is arriving.

  Dr Mehak spends some time examining Mona and then says, ‘You know, I thought you’d come to me weeks ago. But since it hasn’t happened and now you’re overdue, why don’t you just come in tonight?’

  So much for my practiced speech.

  We leave the clinic and I call Mummy. She and Papa are getting on the next flight.

  Mona

  You know how they show in all the movies that the woman goes into labour and instantly just knows it? Like her water breaks and everyone has to race her to the hospital at top speed, knocking off people in wheelchairs on the road and dashing into hospital lobbies and all that? A bit like Laila’s labour, really.

  But here are Ramit and me, with Ramit driving at snail-speed to the hospital at midnight. There’s no hurry whatsoever, no drop in the position of the baby, no dilation, no nothing.

  My labour has to be induced since the baby has decided to stay close to my heart – literally. He hasn’t even come down. Who is that lazy!

  The mothers wanted to accompany us but I told them to let the process start at least. I’m not sure why Dr Mehak has asked us to come in at midnight. Maybe she likes delivering kids at night so that she can be at the clinic during the day.

  Anyway, here we are, glamourlessly standing at the fancy T&T hospital reception with our suitcases. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I couldn’t get my body to work the normal way and actually have to be induced.

  Laila very kindly messaged, saying that inducing labour is normal and I shouldn’t panic about it, but she’s one for saying that.

  Then Ramit tells me he is taking a couple of days off work to help out with the baby and I look around for a sharp object to break his head with for suggesting two days of paternity leave. Two days. He says its company policy. He runs the company!

  Ramit

  We were accompanied to a really fancy room and the doctor on duty flipped through Mona’s papers. She then looked at Mona’s stomach and pronounced that the baby was still quite high. As if we didn’t know.

  Mona was handed some sort of gown to change into but she reappeared from the bathroom and called the nurse.

  ‘Can I have another one? This one is torn from the back.’

  After a bit of a confusing exchange, Mona realized that the gowns were meant to be open at the back.

  A second nurse entered the room just after that, and turns out, Mona needed an enema. I was told to leave the room.

  Glad to oblige!

  Mona

  The doctor on duty examined me and put me on IV and asked me to put some medicine under my tongue.

  Then we heard a bloodcurdling scream from the other room.

  Ramit and I looked at each other in panic.

  My BP shot up instantly and the nurse told me to ‘Kip calm.’

  An hour later, I still couldn’t feel too much. Just a few Braxton Hicks kind of spasms. I asked the doctor on duty if my labour had started. She looked at some machine I was strapped to and said, ‘Yes. Decent levels of pain.’

  I heard another scream from the adjoining room. Didn’t understand what the big deal was.

  Ramit took out his phone to work again but I glared at him so he quickly put it away. Then he decided to take a tour of the room. He came to the bed and started studying all the fancy buttons and made a move to press one. I glared at him again so he walked off.

  Then he started inspecting all the cabinets across the room and opening all the drawers. Uff!

  Why can’t he just sit down and wait patiently. Like me!

  Ramit

  Three hours later, we decided to watch a movie on the telly in the room.

  I boldly told the parents not to come till the doctor told us it was time, to which both the mothers grumbled, but I’m going to enjoy the last of whatever little peace is left in my life.

  We settle on Andaz Apna Apna.

  Three more hours later, no baby.

  Mona

  Dr Mehak walked into the room at 6 a.m., followed by a whole group of doctors. She was glamorously dressed in a purple dress and bright amethyst jewellery, as if she’d come in straight from a night of partying.

  ‘You’re still smiling,’ she commented briskly.

  She did a quick internal examination – there’s no sense of shame and privacy left in me any more – in front of all the other doctors. I can now imagine why Laila wasn’t ashamed of pulling out her boob in front of all of us to feed her baby.

  ‘Dr Tullika,’ Dr Mehak said crossly. ‘She has hardly dilated. I saw her like this two weeks ago.’ She tutted loudly and pushed some fingers into me.

  I felt something ooze out of my body. I wondered if it was the baby or whether I’d peed.

  And then realized she had broken my water.

  ‘Any time now,’ I heard Dr Mehak say as she walked out of the labour room. And then I heard another familiar voice floating in. ‘Oh my God! I love the necklace you’re wearing, doctor! I’m Shania, Mona’s sister.’

  And then the woman next door shrieked again.

  Ramit

  The mothers, fathers and Shania have arrived.

  The mothers looked like they’d been up all night sulking about not being allowed to come earlier. The fathers looked like they’d been up all night drinking.

  They all walked in excitedly and immediately began fussing over Mona.

  Security threw them out. Apparently we were being so noisy that the woman in labour next door couldn’t be heard.

  Mona

  Really don’t know what the big deal is with all the screaming. What the doctor had called a good amount of pain had been so very bearable for me. Gosh, I must be some sort of superwoman!

  The doctor asked me if I needed an epidural but I said no. If Laila could do without it, so could I.

  The mothers were taking turns being in the room with me. I overheard a bit of the catfight the mothers had outside on who would come in first. Looks like the ex-principal won.

  Ramit

  Did I hear Mummy right?

  Mona

  Did I hear Ramit’s Mummy right?

  Suddenly the contractions felt much sharper. I had a bad one and waited for it to p
ass before I grabbed Ramit’s arm and hissed at him.

  ‘What did Mummy say? The bheed is here?’

  ‘Now, now, Mona …’ Ramit pacified me just as Mummy’s comforting strokes on my back stopped and I caught her staring at me.

  ‘Bheed? Bheed? Ramit, did Mona just call the cousins …’

  Holy Shit! I said that in front of Mummy. Why was she still there?

  Ramit was escorting her out of the room. ‘Mummy, that’s not what she meant. I mean …’

  ‘Bheed?’ she asked again, shocked. ‘If Bade Papa hears that …’

  I don’t know if it was the shock of shocking Mummy or me being in real, actual labour, but I felt a massive spasm and everything went dark.

  Ramit

  Mona’s contractions had suddenly gotten quite bad. She seemed to be passing out. And I had to get rid of the cousins.

  Spent forty-five minutes shooing off the bheed from the labour room waiting area. Mona would kill me if she found out that all the Deols of Delhi and Amritsar had landed up to see her push. Moved everyone to the reception and created so much commotion that a staff member asked me if there was a film shooting going on. Finally managed to move the bheed to the cafeteria.

  Returned to find Shania prancing around the room excitedly and … Oh God. She had taken a selfie with Mona writhing in pain in the background. Mona asked me to throw her out.

  Sent her off and went down once again to convince the bheed to leave as it would take a while and just then, got an alert that Mona was officially in labour.

  When I reached the labour room, the woman next door was shouting away again. Much worse this time. I only hoped … oh shit!

  That screaming lady was Mona.

  Mona

  The mothers were bickering … over my pregnant body! Over my freaking contractions!

  I think I yelled some expletives. They both looked shocked.

  They ran out looking for Ramit.

  And then I saw what my mother was wearing.

  Ramit

  Mona was abusing the shit out of everyone.

  She said she wanted the epidural. Now.

  I didn’t know what to make of it. She had said no to the epidural earlier and now they told her it was too late to get one. If there was a vase by her bedside, she would have smashed it into their head. Or mine.

  And she was in so much pain and so tired, she kept passing out every five minutes, awakening only to scream with a contraction. Except when she spotted Shania by her side. Somehow she found a fresh burst of energy to pull her in close and say, ‘Shania, phoo phoo phoo, what on earth is Mom wearing!’

  Mona

  My contractions tripled simply at the sight of my mother. She was wearing a frock. That’s correct! No other way of describing it. It was a goddamn yellow full-on frock with frills and everything! She thought she could pass it off as a kurta by teaming it with purple slacks, but she wasn’t fooling anyone!

  Ramit

  Outside the room, Mom was giving it off to Shania.

  ‘What do you mean the sight of me is inducing her labour! How dare you! I’m her mother!’

  Then Mona’s Dad appeared and asked me if I would like to join him and my father for a drink! A drink! At this hour! Of course I could use a drink, or ten, but to even ask me to step out with them …

  And then Mummy walked in gleefully, announcing that Rina maasi was here.

  ‘Now everything will be fine!’ Mummy said, clapping her hands happily. ‘Rina is a cardiologist,’ she told Mona’s mother. ‘Now we have a doctor in our midst. Nothing to worry about!

  ‘She’s a cardiologist! We’re in a maternity hospital!’ I finally snapped, ‘We have nothing to worry about, anyway. Dr Mehak is very well renowned.’

  Mummy gave me her cold, principal-like stare. ‘Mona has been in labour for nine hours. I believe something is terribly wrong and we need a doctor in the family to …’

  I would have argued with her but suddenly, I took count of the faces in the room. Mom, Mummy, Dad, Papa, Shania, me. So who exactly was in there with Mona?

  Mona

  When Mummy walked out in a hurry, I assumed it was to send Ramit in. So what was goddamn Roshini-I-shat-on-the-labour-table-Roshan doing there?

  Ramit

  I’d expected Mona to be a lot angrier when I rushed in to be by her side.

  ‘Bhaiya, this is a lady’s job. Don’t worry. You take it easy and sit outside.’ Mona looked at her as if she would kill her, so I insisted I wanted to stay there with my wife and she could leave, please.

  ‘Ramit, I need an epidural. And I’m too tired. I can’t …’ she let out a loud screech.

  I patted her hand. ‘It’s all right. I’ll just go speak to the doctor again.’

  ‘Keep your bheed out of here!’ she shouted as I ran out.

  Mona

  I ask Ramit to stay and whose faces appear by my side? The mothers.

  ‘Mona, you don’t need that epidural,’ Mom told me.

  ‘You’ll regret it. Your back will ache all your life,’ Mummy said.

  ‘This is only a matter of a few minutes. Listen to Ramit’s mother. The epidural will hurt you all your life.’

  ‘Yes, beta. Women have had babies naturally for years. Go natural.’

  ‘Laila didn’t take the epidural either.’

  ‘You can do it.’

  The bickering mothers had united against me! Now they drop their differences? To torture me!

  I had an awful contraction right then and I screamed but then I also cried loudly just for effect. I needed that bloody epidural! And I didn’t bloody care what anyone said.

  Ramit

  The junior doctor was shaking her head. ‘She’s already 8 cm dilated. We can’t give her the epidural now.’

  Mona was passing out so I squeezed her hand and said, ‘It’s okay, baby. You’re almost there.’

  She huffed and puffed before passing out again.

  She looked so pale and fatigued. I wondered if she was going to die.

  Mona

  Dr Mehak finally decided to grace us with her presence after I’d been in labour for eternity.

  Ramit said it had been eleven hours but it felt like years. I don’t know how long I’d been moving in and out of consciousness and how long I’d been screaming and trembling with pain.

  She was in blue overalls but still had a long string of blue stones hanging from her neck. She has jewellery to match with her hospital outfit! I wish my mom would learn from her … wait! I was in freaking labour! Why was I thinking about my mother’s fashion sense?

  Some assistant doctors grabbed hold of my legs and unceremoniously yanked them into stirrups.

  ‘It’s time!’ Dr Mehak announced.

  ‘But I need the epidural!’ I screamed.

  They looked at me like I was crazy.

  ‘Push Push Push Push Push!’ I heard them all yelling at me together.

  So I yelled a loud, ‘YEEEEAAAAHHHHHHH’ right back at them.

  ‘Shut your mouth, Mona!’ Dr Mehak scolded me. I was so taken aback. ‘Save you energy for the pushing!’ she added.

  After the contraction subsided and I was ready to nod off with fatigue, I heard Ramit smooth my hair and say, ‘You’ll be okay. It’ll be over soon.’

  Before I could thank him, another freaking contraction burst through me.

  This time I tried not to scream but a loud piercing shriek filled the room.

  ‘Mona! You have to shut your mouth!’ Dr Mehak reprimanded, without looking at me.

  ‘Um … that was the husband,’ I heard the assistant tell her.

  Ramit

  Embarrassing much … but the way she dug her fingers into my arm I thought she’d pull out a large chunk of flesh.

  Yes, I know having your flesh pulled out isn’t as bad as pushing a baby out of your, you know, but it still hurt. Badly.

  Mona

  I can’t remember how long that went on or what exactly happened but somewhere, I passed out again. W
hen I woke up, things were quieter and I heard someone laugh. I think it was Ramit. I heard a small cry. One fainting spell later, a grumpy looking child was thrust on to my chest. Another fainting spell later I felt a needle piercing through me and I realized it was all done.

  ‘What is it?’ I managed to croak.

  ‘It’s your baby,’ a nurse said.

  Obviously it’s my baby! Do they think I pushed out my brain with the child?

  ‘But what is it?’ I insisted.

  ‘Oh. It’s a boy.’

  Before my eyes shut, I saw Ramit’s face shining down at the thing wrapped in green.

  Ramit

  Texted all the cousins and asked them to leave, since Mona would take some time to settle down.

  I was just about to go check the room they were shifting Mona to when I bumped into Dr Mehak.

  ‘I have to tell you something about the baby’s private parts,’ she told me.

  I swear my heart dropped to my knees and all of Mummy and Mom’s warnings came flashing into my mouth.

  I cleared my throat and found my timid voice. ‘Um, is it about the …’

  ‘Penis. Yes,’ she confirmed.

  ‘There’s a tiny birth mark on it,’ she said matter-of-factly. ‘I just wanted to let you know lest you worry about it later.’

  The baby

  Mona

  People have left the room now, finally. The nurse has brought in the baby for the night. Thankfully, it’s asleep. I wish they would keep him in the nursery tonight. I’m exhausted. And the way Ramit is fluffing up his pillows on the sofa-cum-bed at the other end of the room, I’m pretty sure he’s going to be good for nothing. But I couldn’t let the mothers stay. My patience with them is currently non-existent.

  There was just so much happiness everywhere. The fathers were so excited – though they looked a little drunk. The bheed all stopped by, claiming they’d just happened to drop in, though I have a nagging feeling they’d been here all night. The phone calls haven’t stopped coming. Suhani bua had no doomful story to share. And Shania hasn’t said a single nasty thing about the baby. In fact, she’s been cooing at it and clicking pictures like mad. Maybe that’s her new phase. Photography.

  The baby is asleep and Ramit is lying down with his eyes closed. But there’s something that’s been nagging me all day that I have to tell Ramit.