Totally Buzzed

by Gale Borger

  Knowing Mag would follow, he explained. “Jeff Fuller, the head of MB, took cuttings from some marijuana plants we confiscated during a bust. Using the polymorphic markers in the plant DNA, he was able to find patterns of marijuana fields cloned off the mother plants.

  “We mapped the plantings, and you could see the sweep of the cloned plants across the western states. Through the seeds, he was able to link specific shipments of marijuana to weed the DEA recovered off of a suspect during a bust in a different part of the country. This gave us another point where the drugs entered the country.

  “Then the marijuana chaff recovered from a non-related building in yet another area, linked the rest of the operation to the shipment, and was followed back to the original grower in Central America. It was the biggest coup we’ve ever made, and hopefully the beginning of the end of the drug cartels.”

  Mag stared at him, riveted to his story. “Holy cow! I had no idea that you could trace a plant back to the source like that. So that’s what you’ll be doing with the drugs we have. How cool is that!”

  She shifted closer to Ian and took in a shaky breath. “Ian, do you have any idea how, uh, stimulating it is to listen when someone speaks with so much passion about something?”

  Ian gulped and stared at her. The car began to drift toward the right shoulder. Ian jerked the car back into the lane and stared out the windshield. “Uh, Mag, do you mean stimulate as in inspiring, or, uh, stimulate as in uh….arousing?”

  She unbuckled her seatbelt and scooted over so her breast pressed against his arm. She ran a finger along the top of his ear, her moist breath caressing his neck. “Let’s just say that if we weren’t in big city traffic right now,” she ran her other hand up his thigh and settled it between his legs, “I would be jumping on you like Japanese beetles on your prize dahlias, Plant Boy.”

  She stuck her tongue in his ear and ran her hand over his zipper. She wiggled her fingers and her eyes grew big. “Holy Gigantus Peeniscus! I can’t ever again call you Plant Boy with a straight face! Bad Boy maybe…”

  Ian turned pink. “Come on, Mag, knock it off. It’s no big deal.”

  She continued to tease him. “No big deal? Why the heck do you bother carrying a gun? You could just beat them to death with that thing! Talk about your Lethal Weapons…”

  Ian squirmed and turned dark red. “Mag, I mean it! We’re in traffic, now stop. And don’t poke fun at him…uh, at it…at me. Oh, shit, I don’t know what to call him!”

  Mag flashed him a brilliant smile and continued to play. “Just say, ‘Happy Birthday, Mag!’”

  Ian gritted his teeth and gripped the wheel with both hands. “Mag, we have an audience. I’m awake, so let’s talk about something else, okay?” He glanced out the window at smiling faces.

  “And, would you please uh, move your hand while you’re at it?”

  Mag kept stroking and kissing Ian’s neck. She began singing softly in his ear, “Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do when I come for you bad boy, bad boy?”

  Ian sucked in a breath. “If you don’t knock it off, Missy, I’m going to pull off this road and show you what this bad boy can do!”

  Mag flopped back into her seat and sighed. “Killjoy! I was just keeping you awake like I’m supposed to. Who said I couldn’t enjoy myself while I do my job?”

  Ian narrowed his eyes at her, and she rolled her eyes back at him. She pouted and looked out the window. Staring back at her was a truck driver grinning from ear-to-ear and giving her the thumbs up. She realized he had been watching them while traffic was slow. She blushed and slowly slid down in her seat. Another truck drove past them and blew the air horn. Ian chuckled at Mag’s mortification. Mag moaned and pulled a jacket over her head. Horns blared, truckers waved, and people whistled as they passed Ian’s car. Humiliated, Mag slid a glance at Ian. He was laughing silently, his shoulders twitching.

  Mag huffed and threw the jacket in the back seat. “What the heck was that all about, I wonder? And what is so funny?”

  Ian laughed out loud, “CBs, Mag. Everyone within a five mile radius probably knows what was going on in here.”

  Mag stuck her nose in the air and smoothed her hair. “How immature. Why didn’t they just take videos while they were at it?”

  Ian sobered and signaled for an exit ramp. “Actually, sweetheart, I did see someone with a cell phone recording as they passed us back about three miles. Let’s just hope we’re not the stars of some cheesy joke that ends up in your mother’s email.”

  Mag grabbed the dash and stared wide-eyed out the windshield while she absorbed the impact of what Ian just said. “Oh, my God. Ian, you don’t really think…”

  He stopped for a red light and patted her knee. “No, Maggie, I don’t. Seriously, though, I want you to know that when we do make love, it’s going to be just you and me in a big old bed and not half of Milwaukee in a BMW during rush hour. Does that sound okay to you?”

  She covered his hand with her own and sighed softly. “Perfect, Ian, just perfect.”

  21

  Ian kissed the end of her nose and drove to his condo. Mag walked through the front door and was immediately struck dumb. There was vegetation everywhere. The condo was a corner unit and had both a southern and western exposure. He had an atrium of sorts in the corner and made full use of all that sun. Bird sounds chirped in the background. Tiny frogs sat on lily pads, and koi undulated slowly across the small pond. A waterfall trickled among the flora and fauna, and a huge bamboo ceiling fan turned slowly, the giant paddles creating a soft breeze which rustled through the leaves. “Wow, Ian, that really sounds authentic.”

  Ian held a finger to his lips, shushing her. Into the apartment, Ian raised his voice. “Anyone home?”

  Immediately the Banana Palm said, in a high voice, “No one here but us chickens!” and then, “Cluck, cluck, cluck!”

  Mag frowned. “I thought you said you lived alone. Who’s the comedian?”

  She started off toward the door. Ian grabbed her hand. “Wait. Watch this.” He walked to the refrigerator and took out a mango. He sliced it in half, leaned on the breakfast bar, and made slurpy sounds. “Mmmm, chow time!”

  The Banana Palm screeched and in a gravelly voice said, “Now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute, you varmint!”

  Mag watch wide-eyed as a huge Cockatoo flew out of the Banana Palm and skidded across the breakfast bar. He grabbed the mango and began munching. Ian stroked the bird and Mag watched in fascination as he ripped chunks out of the mango with his impressive beak.

  Ian said, “Yum!”

  “Yum, yum, yum,” Bird squawked.

  She backed into Ian, not wanting to lose a finger. “What’s his name?” she whispered in awe.

  “Kitty,” he whispered back.

  “KITTY, KITTY! HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY!” The bird screeched. “HEEEEERE KITTY!”

  Mag stared at Ian. He shrugged. “That’s all he would say when I first got him, so that’s what I called him.”

  “HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY!” Kitty alternately tore into the mango and hollered for the non-existent cat.

  Ian flinched. “But I don’t call him that often. Most of the time I just call him Dumb Bird. Hey, Dumb Bird, don’t talk with your mouth full.”

  “DUMB BIRD!”

  Ian sighed. “Maggie, why don’t you relax for a bit? I need to make some calls and get organized. The small bathroom is down the hall to the left, second door. The master bedroom is to the right. It has its own bathroom. You might like that one better. I’ll be on the left behind ‘Door Number One’. Just walk in when you feel like it.”

  He kissed her nose and picked up his laptop. He mumbled to himself and went into his office. She stood looking down the empty hallway. She glanced at Kitty, slurping away on what was left of the mango, then again at the empty hallway. She could hear Ian talking on the phone. Picking up her overnighter, she wandered down the hall.

  She poked her head into the first bathroom and sighed. The walls were d
one in sand-washed burnt orange. Different species of cacti lined the many shelves. Interspersed were desert succulents and other arid climate plants. The walk-in shower was done in light beige, and accent splashes of blues, pinks, and reds made the room look like the desert at sunset.

  She stood in the doorway and stared. Ian’s words came back to her about liking the other bathroom better, but she didn’t know how she possibly could. She said aloud, “You really think you know a guy…”

  She wandered down the hall and stepped into Ian’s bedroom. His personal space reflected a quiet glen. The massive four-poster looked as if it was made of fallen trees.

  The design was asymmetrical, but the beauty of the natural hollows and ridges of the wood created by Mother Nature could never be duplicated by man. Mag ran her hand over the dark wood, which had been waxed to a beautiful luster. A green, beige, and chocolate comforter was a perfect compliment to the cream walls. Instead of curtains, she saw a high shelf set with ivies, vinca, and other trailing plants. A huge bamboo paddle fan delicately moved the air. The gentle breeze carried the exotic scent of flowers. Aside from the bed and a matching night table, no other furniture graced the room. Mag walked across the knotty pine floor. She peeked behind a door and found a walk-in closet the size of her living room.

  She walked to the only other door in the room. She opened the door and understood what Ian meant by she ‘might like this bathroom better’. Orchids of every color and size were scattered throughout the room. Flowering plants were on shelves, some hung in baskets, and others were planted in a natural environment in a raised bed. A large skylight loomed above a six-person Jacuzzi. The raised flower bed rimmed the wall side of the Jacuzzi. Tropical flowers she’d only seen in pictures gave off an intoxicating scent that made her feel light headed. “Oh my God. I don’t know this guy at all. Or maybe I do.”

  Moving as if she were in a trance, Mag turned the jets on low and checked the heat. She lit the five pillar candles on a tray beside the faucets and dimmed the lights.

  “Well, he did say relax. I hope he meant make myself at home, too. He’ll probably be hours anyway.”

  She grabbed a huge fluffy bath sheet and placed it on the hot rail. As the steam rose in the bathroom, the smell of the plants seemed to grow more intense. Mag hugged herself and spun in a circle. She ripped off all her clothes.

  She picked up a stereo remote and turned on some Chris Botti. She stepped across the stone floor and lowered herself into the warm, swirling, water. She leaned back and kept time with one toe, letting the music seep into her soul.

  The water, the scents, the music, and the muted candle light assaulted Mag’s senses until she was as limp as a rag doll. She whispered, “I think I’m in luuuv!” Eyes closed, she let her head loll back against the pool pillow.

  * * *

  Finished with his calls, Ian found her there. He stood looking down at her, thinking she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He fell head over heels in that moment. Instead of feeling like he should be running to the nearest exit, the weirdest feeling of well being and rightness swept over him. Overwhelmed with emotion, he stood rooted to the spot, watching her.

  Mag came slowly back to consciousness and realized she was no longer alone. She looked up and raised one hand toward him. “So, handsome man, what are you waiting for?”

  Ian slowly smiled at her and she thought her heart would stop. He touched his palm to hers and they both felt the faint tingle. Feeling suave and debonair, he shed his clothes at nearly the speed of light. He paused for a second and she thought she had never seen anything as beautiful as this man. He threw his leg over the side of the Jacuzzi, his eyes never leaving hers. His toe caught on the faucet and pain shot through his foot. He bent to grab his foot and let out a howl of pain. He slipped and cannon-balled into the Jacuzzi right on top of Mag.

  They both came up sputtering. Mag burst into peals of laughter, grabbed for a hand-hold and sank under the churning water. Ian hit his sore toe on the bottom of the tub and sucked in a lungful of water when he tried to take a breath and yell.

  With him coughing and gasping, and her laughing so hard she hurt, she made the astute observation that they had to be the absolute last of the red hot lovers. The hilarity of the situation finally hit him and he laughed along with her. “Less like Carey Grant and more like Clem Kadiddlehopper, wouldn’t you say?”

  She nodded and agreed. “Yeah. Come here, Clem, and I’ll show you some kadiddle hoppin’ you’ll never forget!”

  She stretched her body along the length of his. He gathered her close and held her to him. The water flowed over them as the emotion flowed through them. They couldn’t tell where one ended and the other began. He ran a finger lightly down the side of her face and cupped her chin. The kiss he gave her was so sweet, tears welled in her eyes. He trembled with emotion as he ran his hands up her thighs, over her derrière and up the slope of her back. His hand came to rest at the back of her neck and he supported her head as he deepened the kiss.

  She gave as good as she got, and Ian finally snapped. Suddenly his hands and mouth were everywhere. She responded in kind. They came together on a tidal wave of passion that took them higher than either of them had ever been. She came apart in his arms. He felt her spasm around him and he tumbled after her.

  As the emotion ebbed, they settled back in the tub, fingertips touching, eyes closed. They drifted on sensation and transcended to a new understanding of what ‘making love’ could mean.

  “Wow.”

  “Wow.”

  “Hey, Ian?”

  “Yes?”

  “Do you really have to go to the office this afternoon?”

  “Yes, Mag. They were expecting this stuff about an hour ago.”

  “Damn.”

  “Why damn?”

  “I wanted to try out that beautiful bed.”

  Ian sighed heavily. “Me, too, but how about if you catch a nap in it and we’ll try it out when I get home?”

  “I don’t have to go with you?”

  “No, Mag. I’m dropping the stuff off at the correct departments and leaving instructions. Neither of us has slept. You take a nap, because when I come back to you and the big tree bed, neither of us are going to sleep, okay?”

  “Mmmm-hmmm. I suppose we have to get out of this tub eventually, too.”

  “Yep. Right now, Princess. Let’s go. I’m not going to have you fall asleep in here and drown on me while I’m gone.”

  She laughed and they clambered out of the Jacuzzi. Ian grabbed the towels on the hot bar and they wandered back into the bedroom. Ian fluffed her hair and dried her back. She ran the warm towel down his front and ran her tongue back up. He waited until she got nipple high before he grabbed her and tossed her on the bed. He pulled back the comforter on the bed and Mag slid in. He covered her naked body, kissed her nose and said, “Don’t move until I get home.”

  Mag giggled and said, “Not a chance, Mister.”

  He laughed and went to the closet to get dressed. He came out in blue jeans and an FBI polo shirt. He checked his wallet and picked up his keys. He was set to go, but loathed leaving her. He turned to kiss her good bye and stopped. Mag was out like a light, sleeping like an angel. He left quietly by the front door.

  Ian called the field office on his way downtown. Jeff Fuller had a team waiting when he arrived. Jeff took over explaining to Ian how responsibilities would be delegated.

  “The M.B. lab will get the majority of the evidence. My guys will be able to do the RAPD, and the AFLP. Ned Thompson will work with cocaine and analyze the stable isotope and trace alkaloid data. The Palynology boys will take the seeds and check for anemophilous pollen, to see if they can hook up the seeds with one of the confiscated shipments from the south. There should be plenty of pollen in the wrappings surrounding the seeds. If all goes as we think it will, it will give us a jump on tracking the drug traffic to the north and back to the source.”

  Ian held up a vial of off-white powder. “Je
ff, your molecular biology guys are going to have their hands full. Do you want me to do the breakdown analysis on this to see exactly what is in this stuff?”

  “Already got it covered. I am personally going to do the analysis on this and the other samples to find out if they’re making designer drugs, or cutting it for the streets. You’re busy enough doing the field work, so get out of here. I have the phone and fax numbers of that Sheriff down in White Bass Lake. I’m going on your recommendation that we’re not dealing with some hick Bozo, and I’ll send everything I have to you through him.”

  Ian nodded. “Sheriff Green is a smart and savvy professional. We should have more guys like him out there.”

  Jeff doled out samples and paperwork to the lab techs. He moved nervously, and Ian could tell he was anxious to get started. He became more engrossed with each sample and spoke to Ian with a distracted air. “Uh, thanks for the drugs, Ian, and uh, we’ll get right on those plants.” He waved a hand in the air in Ian’s general direction. “I’m sure you want to get into your bed as soon as possible, so you go on home and don’t even think about this place. I’ll call your cell tomorrow.”

  Ian sent him a crafty looking smile and said, “Jeff, you’re a man after my own heart. I will take that as an order and make haste toward home and bed.” He did an about face and practically sprinted for the door. He sang Bad to the Bone on his way to the car, glad it was mid-day and the traffic wasn’t too bad. He stopped for milk, eggs, and ice cream on the way home, and practically danced through the door to his condo. He set everything on the counter and tip-toed to the bedroom. Mag was sprawled on her stomach across one side. Ian kneeled on the bed and kissed her ear.

  She didn’t even move. He nuzzled her neck and she said, “Mmmpf yum nar Eee-annnn!”

  “Hey, Maggie,” he said in dulcet tones, “Are you hungry, or do you just want to play?”