Totally Buzzed

by Gale Borger

  We made it to Mom’s house a couple of minutes before noon. I groaned and clasped a hand over my eyes when I saw the black Bonneville, and red Crown Victoria in the driveway. “Oh no! It’s the geriatric Mod Squad. I’m going to kill my mother–but at least we don’t have to deal with Dead Butts,”

  J.J. flicked my earlobe. “You spoke too soon, my sweet.”

  “My sweet patootie, pal. What are you talking about–oh crap, I spoke too soon–”

  Zoom! My car rocked as the township squad blew past us. Putz slid sideways, spraying gravel in all directions, pelleting my car. He bumped over the ridge along the driveway, fishtailed in and out of the first few rows of corn, tearing stalks out by the roots fighting to control the squad.

  “Oh, boy, is your dad going to be pissed when he sees this,” J.J. said.

  I blew out a big breath. “Wow. You got that right, flatfoot.” We pulled past the line of cars parked by the house.

  We let the dogs out and they bounded straight for the back door. A hand was seen opening the screen door and the two dogs disappeared inside. I smiled and looked at J.J. He smiled down at me and said, “Ah, the joys of Grandma’s house.”

  “You are right again, James J. Green–oh my God, look over there!” J.J. turned in time to see Ted’s mother, Mary, whack him in the back of the head with a dripping Tupperware lid.

  “Now look what you did, you self impotent little chest beater!”

  J.J. and I exchanged glances. J.J. whispered out of the side of his mouth, “Impotent? This gets better and better!”

  “Self important, Ma. I don’t think you mean impotent. I’m arrogant, not limp.” Ted hitched his pants, nervously looking around. He caught J.J. and me looking and turned a sick shade of grayish-pink. He opened his mouth and Mary whacked him again with the Tupperware lid.

  “You made me spill my Chinese noodle salad and you wrecked my car! Look at my beautiful car!” She leaned over and examined the dings. “At least it’s not as bad as Bill Miller’s truck. He’s going to sue, you know. What are you doing here anyway? This is for the real police, not for members of Donut Eaters Anonymous.”

  J.J. and I couldn’t stand it any more. He barked out a laugh, and I almost wet myself howling. I clasped J.J.‘s arm and hobbled to the house, laughing the entire way.

  I hit the bathroom running. Looking out the bathroom window, I saw Ted, with his head down, stubbing his toe in the gravel. Mary was still giving him what-for and waving the Tupperware container, showering him with Chinese noodles.

  I snagged Mom’s digital camera and went back outside. Wesley came bounding up, wearing noodles on his head and nose. “You were eating noodle salad, weren’t you, Wes? Did you get too close to Mary?”

  Grin, pant, tail wave, and grin. I picked a noodle off his snout and dropped it in his mouth. He trotted off toward his driveway buffet.

  I looked around and realized J.J. hadn’t waited for me. I jogged through the barn and out the far end. J.J., Dad, Moe, and Alejandro were armed with shovels, brooms and a leaf blower. Bernie Smiley pulled up in his tow truck. The men discussed the strategy for removing the mare from the shallow pit.

  I left them to it and fired up the camera. I noticed Mike Dudley, our local veterinarian was down in the pit, examining the mare. He leaned over and scribbled on a clipboard he had placed on solid ground on the rim of the pit. I walked over to where he was. He looked up, smiled and said, “Hey Buzz, how’r ya doing? Where’s my favorite girl and her two-ton sidekick?”

  “I’m good, Mike. Hilary is in the house and Wes is eating Chinese noodles in the driveway.”

  Mike laughed. “I won’t even ask, but I can’t say I’m surprised.” He gestured with his head to the mare in the pit. “What’s up with the dead horse, anyway? J.J. says he wants a full autopsy–concentrating on a toxin report and the reproductive organs. Care to let me in on it?”

  I hesitated. “Look, Mike, this is part of an investigation, of which you are an important part. Let me talk to J.J. I think he will fill you in later, but not in front of Bernie and the others.”

  Mike smiled. “You got it, Kiddo–I’m almost finished here anyway, so I’ll join you in a minute.” He looked back at the mare in the pit. “Sure was a pretty little mare though. Whoever killed her must have collected a good chunk of insurance money. Is that what we’re looking at here, insurance fraud?” He held up a hand. “No, never mind. You go talk to J.J. and I’ll finish up here.”

  “Okay, and thanks, Mike.”

  I went over by the ‘meeting of the mindless’ and pulled J.J. aside. “Mike wants to know what he’s looking for, and I think we should let him in. He’s a good man and he would keep any information in a confidential file. He thinks he’s looking at insurance fraud. When he finds out this mare died of a cocaine overdose, he will go through the roof if we don’t give him prior warning.”

  “I know. I’ve thought about that too. Let’s go tell him now. Maybe he can help us brainstorm.”

  We had started back toward Mike when we heard the roar of Ted’s voice, “I don’t care about your stupid noodles you crazy old bat! I’m here for an official Mexica–I mean I have Mexican papers…that is, Texas papers for a murdered Mexican…I mean Mexican murderer–oh, just get out of my way and take your damn noodles with you!”

  J.J. and I looked at each other and said simultaneously, “Oh no!”

  25

  I caught sight of Ted strutting through the barn with papers in his hand. It is always a bad sign when I see Dead Butts gather himself up to his full five-feet-two-inches and puff out his chest. When he adds that superior smirk, I know there’s going to be trouble.

  I was across the pit when Butts swaggered up to J.J. and hitched his pants. I kept one eye on him while I finished up with Mike the vet. I saw Butts jawing at J.J. When J.J. pushed his hat back and shook his head I became wary. Butts gestured wildly with one hand and shook the papers at J.J. with the other. J.J. crossed his arms over his chest in a defensive stance not even Ted was stupid enough to ignore. He took a step back.

  I slid close enough to hear J.J. say, “Ted, I don’t care if those papers say he’s the goddamn Frito Bandito, I am not arresting Montoya on Grand Larceny and Murder. Where did you get those papers, anyway?”

  Ted’s eyes grew large and he stammered, “I-I just dropped by your office and Edie was at the fax machine. The phone rang, she went to answer it, and I p-picked them up.”

  J.J. was incensed. “What did you do, Butts, steal those warrants from Edie? You have no business touching anything in my office!”

  He yanked his cell phone out of his pocket and punched in some numbers. “Edie? J.J. No, I didn’t listen to my voice mails yet. He what?” J.J. glared at Ted. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Well, he’s here now. Who was the guy again, Martinez? Okay. No thanks, I got the number. What? No need to be sorry, Edie, it’s not your fault. Ted’s an ass. Yep. See you later, Bye.”

  J.J. held out his hand and said quietly, “Ted, hand over those warrants. Edie ttyed Texas, but has not received confirmation of the hits yet. Those warrants are no good until we do.

  “Didn’t it occur to you to verify the hit before running out here? And what would the Mexican Police be doing picking him up, and not a Texas Ranger? For God’s sake, Ted, use your head.”

  Ted tried to peek around J.J. into the pit. “Come on, J.J. These warrants are signed and I am here to deliver them. Get out of my way now, you cannot ignore international law. We have to hold Montoya on these warrants until he is extradited to Texas, and then deported to Mexico.”

  “Out of your way? Out of your mind, you mean! Just slow down a minute. I am willing to have Montoya come back in for questioning, but I am not sending him back to Mexico when I think his boss might be the one who wants him dead. It may even be his boss who showed up to get him. Give me those papers and let me read them before we go off half-cocked.”

  J.J. reached for the papers. Ted snatched them out of his hand. “What do you actually kno
w about this Montoya anyway, J.J.? I have personally spoken to Eduardo Martinez and assured him there will be no miscarriage of justice in White Bass Lake, Wisconsin. Are you willing to risk your job and your freedom for some little foreigner you don’t even know? Well I’m not–”

  J.J. grabbed Ted by the collar when he attempted to sneak past. “You sniveling, sawed-off cockroach! Who gave you the authority to assure anyone of anything? You might have just assured the death of Alejandro Montoya with your big man in charge impersonation!”

  Oh, boy, I thought, J.J.‘s really pissed now. He walked Ted backward, clenched his hands at his sides and glared at him.

  J.J. said through clenched teeth, “Ted, for once get your head out of your ass and listen to me–this might be the most important decision of your career. I am the sheriff of this county and you,” he poked Ted in the chest, “are a piss ant.”

  He kept walking Ted backward, poking him every step of the way. “You either hand me those papers right now or I will charge you with obstruction, disorderly, and anything else I can think of. By the time I get finished with you, you won’t have enough backers to get elected Dog Shit Inspector!”

  Ted’s eyes bored into J.J.‘s. His face turned dark red and his chins quivered in rage. He glanced around to see if anyone was taking up his side.

  He suddenly seemed to become aware that the rest of us were all there, waiting for his answer–except, of course Mike and Bernie, who were in the process of winching the dead horse out of the pit.

  Ted opened up his mouth to speak. I figured he couldn’t get any more of his foot in it, so I shifted left so I could play ‘Good Cop’ to J.J.‘s ‘Mad Cop’.

  A shred of color in the pit caught my eye. I blinked to make sure I was seeing correctly. As the horse cleared the pit, I could see she was not the only occupant down there. I sidled up to J.J. and elbowed him in the ribs. I used my pinkie to point into the pit. J.J. stiffened and grabbed my arm.

  I cleared my throat loudly and made sure attention centered on me. “Gentlemen, I believe this entire argument may be moot, because if I am not mistaken, Alejandro Montoya is currently lying dead, there in the pit.”

  The crowd gasped as one. They all leaned forward to get a better look. I took a step back, hoping to slide out and get to the house before anyone recovered.

  “Oh, no! He can’t be dead!” All eyes turned when Ted yelled. He seemed to deflate in front of the crowd like a whoopee cushion under a fat lady’s ass.

  Bernie jumped out of the tow truck and walked back to check the winch. He stood scratching his head, looking into the pit. “Hey, ain’t that the little Mexican fella what came into town the other day?”

  J.J. stepped forward and put a hand on his shoulder. He steered him back toward the front of the truck. “Looks like it, Bernie. How about we get this horse out of here and I’ll call the Coroner.” Bernie nodded and finished the job.

  I was almost to the barn door when J.J. came up beside me. He put an arm around my shoulders. I about jumped out of my skin. My first reaction was to shove him away before anyone noticed. I looked around and saw everyone was watching with avid interest. I tried to wiggle out from under his arm and thought what a stupid time it was for J.J. to be messing around.

  His fingers dug into my bicep and he dragged me close. He put his lips on my ear and whispered urgently, “Hold still a minute and let them imagine. Smile like you like me.” I showed my teeth. “Get to the house and hide Montoya. Somehow explain to your mother the importance of secrecy. We might have to ship her to Madagascar to keep her quiet. If so, I’ll explain it to Bill. He’ll understand, I’m sure. Now, I am going to pat your butt, so don’t shoot me.”

  I opened my mouth to tell him I was already heading for the house before his macho playacting made us the center of attention. I scowled at him and J.J. smiled condescendingly. He turned me toward the open door, and I stage-whispered, “You’d better not slap my ass, cowboy!”

  He whispered back, “Just go with me here.” He gave my butt a pat, so I ‘went with him’ and gave the requisite, “Oooo!”

  The crowd loved it. The air was so rife with gossip one could watch the town grapevine grow. The crowd clicked and snicked as cell phones were flipped open and speed dials were initiated.

  I didn’t have to hold my breath to turn pink. I was humiliated enough by the knowing ooos and ahhhs over J.J.‘s behavior. I was going to have to kill him.

  Someone was probably calling Jane at the damn bakery right now and ordering a wedding cake! Now every word and action between the two of us would be headline news. How the hell was I supposed to sneak peeks at his gorgeous Wrangler butt with half the town looking on?

  I loudly announced I would contact Malcolm at the house and left through the barn. I passed Ted on my way through and felt him eyeball me all the way to the house.

  I threw open the back door yelling “Mom,” my mother called cheerfully from the family room, “¡Hola Senora Buzz!” I sighed and locked the door behind me. Mom must be badgering the heck out of Alejandro about Mexican traditions.

  I closed my eyes for a moment and had visions of Mom stuffing Dad with burritos while she did the Hat Dance in the dining room. At least she wasn’t harping on that damn cowboy snake lamp any more.

  I found her and Alejandro ensconced on the sofa in the family room watching Geraldo Rivera. I said, “Mom, why on earth are you watching Geraldo? You never watch him.”

  Mom slid her glance toward Alejandro and back to me. “I just thought I would make Alejandro feel more at home.”

  “Mom, Geraldo is not going to make anyone feel more at home. Besides, Alejandro is an American. For that matter, so is Geraldo.”

  “What about his accent?” She turned to Alejandro. “Mexico, right?”

  “No, ma’am. Phoenix.”

  “Oh.” She clicked the remote and turned off the television.

  I was glad the drapes were already drawn in case Constable Shit Head was doing recon on the house. I pulled a chair up to the sofa and took my mother’s hands in mine.

  “Mom, I know you share all the antics of our town with your friends, but I need your utmost discretion on a matter of great urgency. Are you with me?”

  “Oh, Buzz, of course I’m with you. You act like this is a matter of life and death.”

  I squeezed her hands to make sure she understood the gravity of the situation. “Mother! It is life and death. Alejandro’s life may be in danger. Now, do you get it that I am dead serious?”

  Mom pulled her hands back, crossed her arms, and stuck her nose in the air. “Alice Christine Miller, don’t you raise your voice to me. And how dare you speak to me as if I were a child! Of course I understand, and I will do anything I need to do to ensure nothing passes out of this room. Now talk.”

  I blinked, momentarily stunned. She hadn’t called me Alice Christine since I was about eight. “I, uh, okay–sorry, Mom. To make a long story short, Alejandro’s boss had someone issue official looking paperwork to make it appear that Alejandro is wanted for murder. Ted Puetz got his hands on the papers and came out here looking for Alejandro to throw him in jail.” Alejandro surged to his feet. Mom grabbed his shirt and sat him back down.

  “Don’t worry, kiddo–Buzz won’t let them arrest you.”

  At my startled look Mom said, “That is why you’re here, is it not? To hide this young man so the bad guys can’t find him until this is straightened out?”

  At my stunned and silent nod, Mom began bustling around the family room. She picked up the empty popcorn bowl and one of the soda cans, talking as she headed for the kitchen. “Of course you’ll stay here, Alejandro. We have three empty bedrooms upstairs, so take your pick. There’s a bathroom up there, and a television.

  “All four girls were avid readers, so you won’t be shy on entertainment. Just remember, we need to make it look like there are only two people living here: me and Bill.”

  I jumped to grab the teetering popcorn bowl. “Whoa Mom, I don’t expect y
ou to house him indefinitely; only until tonight, or maybe tomorrow. J.J. and I haven’t thought this through yet, so we’re all just flying by the seats of our pants at this point. Ted is suspicious, so be very careful around him. He might even sic his mother on you for information, so also be aware of that.”

  I turned to Alejandro. “And just for your information, I think the bad guys murdered Huerta and threw him in the pit with the dead horse–we told everyone it was you.”

  “Then Mr. Martinez will think I am dead and not send any more bad men after me.”

  “I hope he will want to come himself to make sure you are dead. By that time, perhaps we will have enough on him to make an arrest.” Hah! I thought, wishful thinking. “I have to make some calls now, so settle in for a while.”

  I called Malcolm and told him we needed him out at Mom’s. I called Mag and left a message to call me. I did the same with Ian. I told him that should they be back tonight, we would all rendezvous at my house.

  I went back into the kitchen to brief Mom. “I have to get back out to the barn before Butts wonders why I was in here for so long. I’m putting Alejandro’s life in your hands now, Mom. I’ll call you later after we clean up the mess out at the barn.”

  I bent to kiss her and headed back out to the barn. In the pit, shovels and brooms had been used to brush away most of the dirt that covered the face-down broken and crushed body.

  “No horse did that kind of damage,” I said under my breath.

  J.J. looked up from inside the pit. “No shit. Look at this.”

  He pointed to a hand. I saw all the fingers were bent back and pointed up the arm instead of down.

  “Wow. I’ll bet that hurt. Hey, is Ted still here?”

  J.J. replied in a low voice, “Butts is gone, but I’d bet not for long. Is Malcolm on his way?” I nodded. “Good,” he said. “I already took the pictures. I’m just finishing the initial audio.” He held up the new mini recorder. He grinned and I winced. I never gave him back his old one. “Don’t worry about it, Buzz. The fact that you still have mine gave me an excuse to buy a new one. Anyway, it’s not like I don’t know where you live.”