Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape
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Be sure you know the possibilities as part of your planning.
In addition, and even more important, you have to ask: What is the cost of doing nothing? You have to create an environment that is comfortable for you. Every employee has a different perspective of what constitutes good and enjoyable working conditions. Can you maintain your integrity and self-esteem if you recognize problems but fail to address them?
Do you have a plan set up before you approach your boss so you are ready to launch into the next level of your career? No one manages this for you but you. I am amazed at how many people know this but never take the time to plan for it. How about you?
Everything has to be planned for, and you are the planner.
Plotting toxic cleanups will allow you to focus on the outcomes you want. It will also stop or reduce disagreeable behavior without insulting the other person. The VIP strategies and ways to manage toxic bosses give you specifics that will help you build your skills, move toward promotion, position you as a leader, and make you a more effective communicator. As companies reinvent themselves, send business overseas, and employ cutbacks, they will keep only those employees who have polished skills. You have to decide whether you want to become one of those employees.
Some readers may have been surprised at my use of the word plotting to deal with communication issues. The kind of plotting discussed here is not negative manipulation. It’s simply the way you stay in charge and fulfill your career dreams.
Chapter 11 - Listen Up!
Ginger is simply impossible at work. She gets into everyone else’s business and finds time to discuss her opinions and personal issues with anyone who will listen. Unfortunately, her boss listens to her and sometimes acts upon her advice. The rest of the team is fed up, ticked off, and ready to quit. Sound familiar? Well, listen up!
You have no clue how to listen. This Toxic Person survival skill is not taught in schools or business. Your parents were supposed to teach you to listen, just as they were supposed to impart sex education when you were in your early teens. In reality, what probably happened was that you learned from their behaviors and modeling more than from their direct instruction the important skill of listening.
There is an excellent possibility that your “listening gland” has atrophied from disuse. Don’t think you are alone. The majority of the adult population suffers from the same condition. Much of the conflict you deal with daily originates in poor listening patterns.
Toxic People’s behavior intensifies because no one listens to them.
I remember being in a restaurant and getting terrible food and service.
The server asked, “How was everything?” When I answered honestly and said things were awful, the automatic response was, “Great! You can pay up front whenever you’re ready.” The server didn’t hear a word I said! The good news is I won’t have to hear that again from that establishment, because I will never go back. They allowed me to vote with my feet. The sad news is they will probably never understand why their customers continue to desert them.
Busy people can be especially poor listeners. Some have a list of horrible habits and are almost incapable of listening. Are you the kind of person who talks more about yourself in any given conversation? What percent of each encounter do you spend asking questions and listening to the information given by the other person? Studies show that 95 percent of people listen from a self-centered point of view. Their concern is solely about their own outlook, and they use other people to confirm what they already believe to be true. Only 5 percent really pay attention to or focus on the other person. Sad, isn’t it?
Ears and Brains
Hearing is a passive physical process. When you hear something, whether a voice or other noise, it just means your ears are working. This is the reason you get upset when someone says, “I hear what you are saying.” You subconsciously interpret this as them not listening to you. Do you say “I hear you” to others? I’ll bet you do.
FROM WIKIPEDIA.ORG
Hearing is one of the traditional five senses, and refers to the ability to detect sound. In humans and other vertebrates, hearing is performed primarily by the auditory system: sound is detected by the ear and transduced into nerve impulses that are perceived by the brain.
Herein lies the problem. Your brain has not been trained, nor have your listening skills been practiced, to accept information different from what the brain already knows or expects. In confusion, it just simply doesn’t pay attention to the physical sound, and the message isn’t processed. Listening is much more than simply hearing.
Here are dictionary definitions:
Hear
To perceive or be able to perceive sound.
To be informed of something, especially by being told about it.
To listen to somebody or something.
To understand fully by listening attentively.
Listen
To concentrate on hearing somebody or something.
To pay attention to something and take it into account.
To make an effort to hear something.
Obviously, there is a crossover in meaning. You can simplify this by constantly challenging yourself make a mental note and remind yourself to listen and hear, especially when faced with a Toxic Person.
People hear; they just don’t listen. Generally, hearing is the in-take of sound, not information. Listening uses the brain to access what the words really mean. Hearing can conclude in turbulence, anger, and conflict. Listening, if done properly, results in better outcomes and reduced problems.
Here are five things you typically do when someone else is talking:
Think about what you are going to say when it’s your turn to talk.
Think about something else, like an e-mail you need to send or a phone call to be made.
Do your best to take notes on everything the speaker is saying.
Evaluate how poorly the speaker is communicating or handling a topic.
Wait for silence so you know it’s your turn to talk.
“Enough about me. What do you think of me?”
Do you think you are a good listener? Let’s check and see!
Circle the appropriate response and then score yourself.
1. Influencing your listener means you:
A. Manipulate them to go along with you.
B. Must both want the same thing.
C. Get everything you want.
2. Successful influencing leads to:
A. Short-term solutions.
B. Long-term problems.
C. Targets that are adhered to.
3. When you want the other person to listen, make sure you are:
A. Controlling something controllable.
B. Standing closer to them.
C. Letting your emotions show.
4. To get the other person to listen, you should:
A. Build rapport and trust.
B. Clearly identify the obstacles.
C. Point the finger at them.
5. You should keep an open mind and open body language when listening because:
A. It shows others you respect their thoughts.
B. Others will open up to you more easily.
C. This removes communication barriers.
6. When others have finished their story, you:
A. Paraphrase their message.
B. Immediately add your opinion and solution.
C. Be ready to add your rebuttal.
7. Successful people are good influencers because they:
A. Have specific details to support why they are right.
B. Ask open-ended questions.
C. Keep focused on the same problem using the same techniques to get their point across.
8. If you reach a stalemate in attempts to influence the other person, you should:
A. Drop the subject and terminate the conversation.
B. Repeat what you have already covered.
C. Acknowledge and address the stalemate.
A. Have better encounters.
B. Encounter fewer occasions that require conflict resolution.
C. Create an environment of mutual respect, cooperation, and happiness.
10. To improve your listening skills, you should:
A. Spend more time alone.
B. Listen to others and their preferences.
C. Spend more time in groups.
Listening Scoreboard Answers
1. B. To succeed, both people must agree on an outcome.
Too often, people try to influence others only to achieve their own personal goals. This results in tension in the relationship and in the workplace.
2. C. Successful influencing does not take place if an agreement is reached and then later one of the people reneges.
Sustain results by agreeing on a common objective initially, keeping open communications, and staying flexible to the other’s input.
3. A. Don’t waste your energy trying to exert influence over areas that you can’t control. For example, don’t try to change other people—you can only change yourself.
Check your body language, tone, and word choice.
4. A. People who want others to hear their message develop people skills and know the value of continuing to build rapport and trust. Sarcasm, cynical remarks, negative body language, or bullying tactics will push others away and they will listen less! Building trust on an ongoing basis is one of the most important elements of a successful professional relationship. Use Myers-Briggs Type Indicator results or another assessment as a tool to identify your natural style and strengths. These assessments can make you more sensitive to understanding other styles as well.
5. A. Open body language and interested facial expressions show that you hear others’ messages. Listen to and acknowledge the entire message; then ask, “Is there anything else?” This will help you get to the real issue of concern and ensure you are addressing the true problem.
6. A. “If I understand you correctly, you are saying . . .” is a great way to validate another’s story. Many times, misunderstandings or misinterpretations will be identified early on. Paraphrasing is an excellent communication tool to improve understanding and reach mutually satisfactory solutions.
7. B. Beginning questions with what, when, why, where, or how encourages the other person to create an entire sentence and express a complete thought rather than providing you with only a yes, no, or grunt for an answer.
8. C. Air disagreements. Exhibit your commitment to finding a solution, and seek areas of agreement or missing information. Staying calm is an essential component to removing the stalemate.
9. A, B, C. All are reasons for and results of polished listening skills.
10. B. People who create positive connections are good questioners and listeners. Because of their developed communication skills, they can better handle the trials and tribulations they encounter. They have a real chance to maximize success through improved listening.
Quiz Scoring
Ten correct—Your listening skills are excellent, and you have become a good influencer.
Eight or nine correct—You know what you want, but can’t always get a buy-in from others. Work on improving your own skills by practicing listening to someone speaking on television.
Six or seven correct—You need to focus on the other person and stop thinking about what you will say and how they will respond. You barely hear the theme of the conversation, so your responses are often not on target. Pay attention and listen up!
Five or fewer correct—Your listening skills need more work. Until you improve in this area by following the tips in this chapter, don’t be surprised if you continue to have conflict and Toxic People in your life. Keep practicing; your skills will improve if you’re persistent.
Three, Two, One . . . Blast Off
There are three levels of listening. The challenge is to create self-awareness so you know at any given point in time how you are listening. Knowing your own demonstrated level of listening will help prevent you from becoming a Toxic Person.
LEVEL III—LA-LA LAND LISTENING
Freda saw Marco walking toward her. Running the other way was an option, but she knew he would eventually find her. Sure enough, Marco approached and started talking. As he was speaking, Freda’s mind was filled with anger left over from their last meeting. Marco was such a jerk! So uncaring! Didn’t he realize how offensive he was? What a great time to confront him, she thought. No one was in the work area, and she could speak without worrying about observers.
Then Freda thought, “Why do I have to do this? Doesn’t his manager see how he makes a fool of himself in front of clients and colleagues?” Marco finished his statement and asked Freda for her opinion. Instead of answering his question, she lit into him with venomous rage, only to be overheard by their manager, who was standing out of her line of sight. It was too bad Freda wasn’t listening, because that was exactly what Marco was telling her!
You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.
—M. Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled Listening at Level III means you just don’t give a rip and have chosen la-la land listening. It is all about you. In your exasperated state, you wait for the noise to stop so you can tell your conversation partner what is wrong. Escalation of a problem or issue easily occurs. Decontaminating Toxic People is not even in the plan. Results? It makes matters worse and hurts the situation, often to the point of no return. Losing credibility, tearing down trust, and being seen as difficult to work with are often the outcomes of Level III listening.
In Level III listening:
You pay attention only to yourself.
You listen only to know when to talk.
You listen passively without responding.
You fake attention with occasional “uh-huh’s” or nods.
You make judgments and form rebuttals.
Judgment and spilling over with rebuttals is the focus of Level III listening. Ask someone—your friends and family—to give an honest evaluation. Are you ready to hear how bad you really are? I doubt it. Do you wait impatiently for the other person to finish so you can say what’s on your mind? Many people listen for the noise to stop so they can begin their input, idea, or rant.
Expect to have misunderstandings and serious conflicts if you continue to listen at this level. Look in the mirror and you’ll see the Toxic Person.
LEVEL II—SKIMMING
Monica was trapped in yet another customer meeting. She knew this would be a waste of time, because she had worked with the client before and felt she knew exactly what they needed. Her mind was racing with the prospect of calling a new client right after this meeting—
one whose business could really put her in the spotlight. Her wandering thoughts made her miss a quick statement about the client’s merger with another company; she also missed the directive about where to send reports and other information. Monica was thinking,
“Same old same old. I’ll just run the reports as I always do and that will give them what they want.” Her failure to follow up as instructed led to a distraught call from the client asking, “Weren’t you at the meeting? Didn’t you know we wanted those reports send by courier, not regular mail? You have really messed us up, and we are not happy!” So Monica’s time was spent resolving her mistake, costing her and the client additional time and energy.
Most people listen at Level II, hearing only bits and pieces of a given conversation. Level II listening means paying attention to what you want to hear rather than to what is actually said. Level II listening is pretending to listen with all the right cues to the talker:
“Um-hm,” head nodding, encouragement, and the like—but it’s all fake. Your responses have little to do with what has actually been said. It is all about what you want to say and just a very small bit about what was actually said.
In Level II listening:
You listen logically
and to content only.
You remain emotionally detached.
You concentrate only slightly on what is said.
You give others the false sense of being listened to.
You hear the words but are not really listening.
Your impatience becomes a barrier to good communications.
Level II is where most people listen the majority of the time.
Because of their lack of attention to the message or the other party, conflict often ensues. Though better than Level III listening, Level II listening leads to problems, anger, and misunderstandings.
Franco had an employee, Jana, who wanted to speak with him.
Franco always referred to her as “Jana the Star” because she was an excellent performer. As Jana entered his office, Franco motioned her to the guest chair. He hung up his phone and immediately turned to his computer, began typing, and then said, “So, what’s up?” Jana explained that she was expecting a baby and was very excited. She relayed her plans for taking limited time off after the birth because her husband was choosing to be “Mr. Mom.” She also outlined her plans to train her colleagues in keeping her files, to bring in temporary help, and to manage every detail. She insisted the group would not even know she was out for a couple weeks. All Franco heard was “expecting a baby” and his imagination ran wild. “Jana the Star” would be away and that meant his numbers would drop. He tuned back in when she mentioned her “colleagues keeping her files” and his thinking kicked into to the poor producers calling on her clients. His mind was screaming, “What a mess,” and he did not hear the part about her real solutions.