Safe (Conquering)

by Ryan Michele

  The instant the question was asked, I felt some of the heaviness leave the table. Sadie then made eye contact with mom and smiled.

  “He’s been in for four years. I don’t really know what he does; I guess something so important that he can’t tell me, but he loves what he does. He’s proud to serve.” Sadie was beautiful smile beamed. I just loved that smile.

  “Do you get to talk to him sweetie?” Mom loved to get answers.

  “Not much. He’s not able to contact us much. It’s been about two and a half years since we’ve seen him, and that was a weeklong visit. I may get to talk to him over email every now and again.” Sadie’s eyes looked sad. I could tell she missed her brother.

  “Well, he must be doing great things over there.” Mom always knew how to help lighten the mood.

  “Yes.”

  Dinner went without any more questions regarding Sadie’s family. No one said anything inappropriate, and Lainey kept her damn mouth shut. Questions of how we met were answered, along with snickers from my brothers, but they stayed quiet.

  All I could focus on was getting Sadie alone to talk.

  Leaning over to Sadie’s ear, I whispered, “Please come and talk to me; I want to explain.”

  “You really don’t have to. It’s okay.” The look in her eye said it was anything but. Even though she claimed to not want a relationship, or a guy for that matter, I could see that being one of many bothered her.

  “Please,” I pleaded with her.

  Blowing out a frustrated breath, she slowly got up from the table, with me following close behind.

  “Sadie and I are going to go for a walk. We’ll be back in a bit,” I said to the table.

  “Thank you for dinner, Kay. It was really good,” Sadie said, smiling at Mom.

  “You’re welcome. You guys come back soon. Dessert will be ready in about twenty minutes.”

  “We will, Ma.”

  I reached for Sadie’s hand, and she didn’t pull away. I didn’t know if it was because we were in the room with my folks or if it really didn’t bother her. I hoped it was the latter.

  Sadie followed closely behind me, not saying a word. When we reached the bench out by the two hundred year old oak tree, I asked her to sit.

  “This tree is beautiful, Landon.”

  It was absolutely beautiful. This tree held so many memories for my brothers, sister, and me. We’d had tree houses and tire swings attached to it. It was also a source of shade during those hot Georgia days.

  “Yes, it is,” I said, looking at only her. I could see when she looked at me that her cheeks flushed. “Please let me tell you what Lainey was talking about.”

  “You really don’t have to. I really don’t want to hear about all the women you’ve been with.” Sadie wouldn’t meet my gaze. She seemed intent on looking at the tree above us.

  “Sadie, I need to tell you.” Blowing out a deep breath, I started. “About five years ago, I was in love with a woman named Stacy.”

  Seeing Sadie’s hands ball in fists and the tension in her arms, I knew I had to make this quick.

  “We dated for two years, and I thought she was the one. We even lived together for a year of that time. We knew everything about each other … or so I thought. “

  Sadie’s gaze never left the tree, and she didn’t say a word. So I continued.

  “One weekend, I went out camping with my brothers. We were looking for a good place to hunt the next year so we were checking different spots out. I felt really sick all of the sudden while we were out there. I started throwing up, and well, if you don’t know anything about deer, you scare the shit out of them when you’re puking your guts out.”

  I turned to smile at her, but her gaze was now down at her entwined fingers. I just wanted her to look at me, damn it.

  “So my brothers brought me back to the house. I still felt like shit, but I knew Stacy was home, and she would take care of me.”

  I heard her breath catch. “Well, when I walked in the door, I got more than I bargained for and a whole new sickness came on.”

  I paused a moment. Those old feeling of betrayal came creeping up on me—anger, hurt, confusion, pain.

  Clearing my throat, I pressed on. “I walked into my living room to my naked girlfriend on top of my best friend … fucking his brains out.”

  Well, that got her attention, and she finally looked at me.

  “Oh. Landon.”

  I gave her a small smile. “When I slammed the door shut, they both jumped up. There was a lot of yelling, cussing, name-calling. Stacy tried repeatedly to tell me it didn’t mean anything. Brad, my best friend at the time …” I paused when I could see the recognition of the name in Sadie’s eyes. “He jumped up and whined like a fucking baby, saying how sorry he was and she came on to him—spouting all this bullshit.”

  Sadie’s gasp stopped me.

  “Yeah, can you believe that? He thought telling me she came on to him would help his case. Moron.”

  “I can’t believe he would do that,” she said flatly. “Brad is the one I met at Lauryn’s party, right?”

  I nodded my head.

  “Needless to say, what happened that night changed me. I was pissed, and I took it out on Brad and his face.”

  I felt Sadie’s body stiffen, and I knew that she didn’t even like the playful slapping around that my brothers and I did. But I wasn’t going to lie to her.

  “I ended up breaking everything off with both of them and kicking them out of my life. But it changed me.”

  I turned on the bench now so I was looking directly at her. She did the same and looked into my eyes. In them, I could see confliction, but in what, I wasn’t sure. I really wanted her to know I was telling her the truth.

  “So, this is what your sister was talking about?” she asked quietly.

  “Yes. Ever since Stacy, I haven’t wanted to have anything more than sex.” Damn if I didn’t make her flinch again.

  “Is that what this is? Just sex?” There was no mistaking the pain in her voice.

  “No. I told you this is more and you agreed. We are friends, but we have to find out what this more is. I know when I kiss you; I never want to stop.” I could tell she still didn’t believe me. And it pissed me off. What the hell did I need to do to convince her?

  “And even if this is more, aren’t you scared that I’ll do the same thing Stacy did?” Her words cut me. Hell yes, I was fucking terrified, but her pull on me was too strong.

  “I have to trust that you won’t. That you won’t do that to me,” I said quietly.

  “I would never do that to you—ever,” she said, grabbing my hands into hers. “Thank you for telling me.”

  “I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to.”

  “Or else Lainey would have told me. Right?” she asked, smirking.

  “No, she wouldn’t have, but I’m glad she said what she did. I’m glad it’s out there.”

  Looking into her eyes, I could see the fire back in them. “I have to kiss you now.”

  “Please,” she whispered.

  I took my hand and placed in on her cheek. She leaned into it. I moved closer and lightly placed my lips on hers. I really wanted to keep it soft and gentle, but the moment her tongue licked my bottom lip, I lost it.

  Entwining her beautiful hair in my hand, I pulled Sadie as close to me as I could. Our lips and tongues were doing this rhythmically choreographed dance, and it was making me harder than a brick. I wanted her so badly, but not for just one night. I had to find some way to show her that.

  I tried with every ounce of my control to hold back. It was getting damn hard.

  When she pulled back, I groaned. She placed her forehead on mine while we tried to slow down our breathing.

  “We better go back in. Your mom will have dessert ready,” she said, breathless.

  “I can think of something better for dessert.” I smiled at her.

  “I bet you could, but we’d better go.”

  Sadie stood up,
straightening her clothes and running her hand through her hair. I sat there mesmerized. She was so beautiful. I wanted her as mine. Yes—mine. The realization hit me hard, but I knew I couldn’t change it.

  Holding Landon’s hand gave me an instant sense of calm and safety. At first, when Lainey talked to me, I had all these visions of him being a killer, rapist, or some kind of horrible human being.

  Turned out, he was just a bit broken. After he told me about Stacy, that stupid bitch, I felt his pain deep in my soul. I didn’t have to look at him to feel it. It just happened. I couldn’t imagine what it felt like walking in on someone he cared about screwing someone else he cared about. That had to be a low blow. And obviously he’d handled it by keeping women at a distance.

  I couldn’t help but feel a bit giddy about that. I must’ve been nuts. But come on, he hadn’t emotionally given himself to anyone in a long time. He was choosing me to give that to. What woman wouldn’t be smitten with that?

  Even though he’d been with a lot of women, it really didn’t bother me. Well, as long as I wasn’t a notch on his headboard. He said this was more, and I believed him.

  I hadn’t been with many men—five to be exact. There was one in high school, three in college, and Rob. To say Landon would be more experienced in that department would be an understatement, but I’d have to cross that bridge when I got there.

  I told myself that after Rob, I would steer clear of all men. They weren’t worth it, and it was just too painful—both physically and emotionally. My vibrator could handle the sexual part so there was no need.

  But the more I was with Landon, and the more I learned about him, the more I wanted everything with him. I wanted the happiness that he made me feel. I unfortunately still had a part of me that was leery that this would all blow up in my face. I just prayed that it didn’t end up with a blow to my face, but Landon didn’t seem that type.

  Shutting off the suspicious part of my brain, we entered the house and rejoined the table. Eyeing Lauryn, I saw her look at our entwined fingers and smile.

  A thought crossed my mind. Why the hell didn’t Lauryn tell me about Landon? That was a definite question for later.

  Talk during dessert was abruptly turned away from Landon and me when Lainey began talking about her new boyfriend, Steve. It was funny seeing her brother chomp at the bit about it. She promised to let them meet, and it was left at that.

  After dessert was over, I was ready to go home. Don’t get me wrong, I liked Landon’s family, I just needed a mental break.

  Saying our goodbyes, Landon followed Lauryn and me out to the car.

  “I’ll be by in about an hour. I gotta help Mom clean up,” Landon said quietly while leaning up against Lauryn’s car.

  Landon pulled me to his chest. It was hard, strong, and he smelled utterly mouthwatering.

  Landon put his hand on the back of my head and pulled me into one of his breathless, mind-numbing kisses. It was cut off all too short.

  “One hour,” he whispered.

  I nodded.

  With one more peck on the lips, I climbed into the car where Lauryn was already turning over the engine. After a small wave to Landon, I had to get my question off my chest.

  “Lauryn, why didn’t you tell me about Landon and Stacy?” I knew my tone was snippy, but she could have told me.

  After a few minutes of silence, Lauryn spoke. “Sadie, I didn’t think I should have. It was Landon’s story to tell, not mine.”

  Okay, I get that, but there had to be more to it. “What else, Lauryn?”

  “Look, you didn’t grow up here and spend your entire life here. Everyone knows everything about everyone. It’s annoying. You can’t take a shit in this town without everyone knowing. You know how bad that is?”

  “Well, not really.” I didn’t. No one knew my business. I liked it that way. It kept everyone safe.

  “Well, it sucks. Everyone knows who you’re dating or who you fucked last night. Everyone knows when the prom queen ends up pregnant. Everyone knows whose parents are splitting or cheating. Everyone knows everything. I hate it, and I try to stay out of it … but it doesn’t always happen.”

  “So, you didn’t want to tell me because you would have been gossiping.” It really was admirable. She didn’t want to add to the chatter.

  “Yeah,” she whispered. “Please don’t be mad at me.”

  How could I be mad anymore? I couldn’t. At least her reasoning made sense to me. “I’m not.”

  The rest of the car ride was quiet. Pulling up to the house, I just wanted to go to my room. I needed some time alone.

  “Sadie,” Lauryn called from the kitchen.

  “Yeah.”

  “Can you come here?”

  Of course, she wanted to talk some more. There went my quiet time. She was lucky I loved her.

  “Sadie, did you happen to notice that Renzo barely talked to me the whole night?” She sounded miserable.

  “I did. I’m sorry honey. Maybe it’s time to move on.”

  “Move on!” she yelled, slapping her hand on the counter of the island. “I can’t.”

  “Yes, you can. If he’s not interested, you need to accept that.” I knew all too well that this acceptance was crucial. Rob had been pining after me for way too long. If he would just go away, everything would be so much safer. But he didn’t accept that I wasn’t interested in him anymore.

  “Look, Lauryn. You’re beautiful, smart, and have a great head on your shoulders. If he can’t see that, then it’s his loss. If you keep pining after him, you’ll just keep pushing him away. It’s best to just let go.”

  “I don’t think I can. I’ve wanted him for so long.” Her voice was quiet as if her heart was breaking.

  I reached over to her and pulled her close to me. “If it’s supposed to happen, he’ll come to you. If it’s not, you need to move on.”

  “I know you’re right. It’s just hard.” Lauryn unleashed a gut-wrenching sob on my shoulder. I just held her, rubbing her back, telling her how strong she was and that she could do this.

  “Thanks Sadie. I’m gonna go to bed,” Lauryn said, wiping her nose with a tissue.

  “I am too. Landon’s taking me out tomorrow. I don’t know where we’re going, but I’ll have my cell.”

  “K. ‘Night.”

  “Night Lauryn.”

  Sitting down on my bed, I reached over and grabbed my computer. After all the talk about Seth, I wanted to check the lone email address that I kept for him to contact me.

  He only knew that I came to stay with Aunt Maggie for a change. That was all he needed to know. I didn’t need him worrying about me while he was fighting … or doing whatever he was doing. I just wanted him focused and safe.

  Booting up my laptop, I searched my email. Nothing. I knew there wouldn’t be. I hadn’t heard from him in months. I wouldn’t think that anything bad had happened to him. He was just undercover on a mission.

  BING. My instant messenger went off.

  “Macy,” I whispered, a smile flashing across my face. God, I missed her. If she were here right now, I would be chatting ‘til her ear fell off. I hadn’t been able to tell her much about Rob, but Landon, I could chat away about. And I wanted to, badly. But I still had to be careful.

  I trusted Macy to never tell, but no one from home except Mom knew where I was, and I intended on keeping it that way. I didn’t want Rob to find me.

  Macy: Sadie! How are you?

  Me: Good!

  Macy: You seem happy.

  Me: I’m getting there.

  Macy: Tell me what’s been going on. I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever.

  Me: Not much. Just getting settled and meeting new people.

  Macy: Ohhhh … Meet anyone good?

  Me: Yes.

  Macy: Do tell! I want to know.

  Me: It’s no big deal. We’re just friends. It’s nice to know someone here.

  Macy: Friends? So this man is just a friend? Could it be more?

/>   Me: ?????

  Macy: Oh, come on Sadie. Give me something!

  Me: There is nothing to give. He’s nice and friendly. You know I’m not looking for anyone.

  Macy: Just ‘cause you’re not looking doesn’t mean he won’t fall in your lap.

  Me: Not happening. He’s just nice.

  Macy: So nothing like Rob.

  Me: Macy. Don’t.

  Macy: Never mind. Tell me about hottie!

  Me: Hottie? Nothing to tell.

  Macy: Tell me what he looks like! Is he hot?

  Me: Yes.

  Macy: Vague. Come on!

  Me: He’s a country boy—sweet, kind, and very hot. He has an awesome smile and even opens the doors for me.

  Macy: SQUEEEEEE! I’m so happy for you!

  Me: We’re just friends.

  Macy: Yeah right … whatever. What does he do for a living?

  Me: Works.

  Macy: Ha Ha …

  Me: Look I’ve gotta go. I’m really tired and need some sleep, okay?

  Macy: I miss you.

  Me: I miss you too. We’ll talk soon.

  Macy: Later.

  Me: Later.

  Closing up the laptop, I threw my pajamas on and climbed into bed. I really missed Macy. She had been there for me through everything—college, boyfriends, my dad, everything. Even though she didn’t know the ‘real’ Rob, she knew as much as much as most people.

  Macy had a hard life growing up. She lived with her grandma. Both her parents were killed in a car crash when she was five. She didn’t remember them at all. At least I had lots of memories of my dad. I couldn’t imagine not remembering anything.

  We were in Kindergarten when it happened, and I really didn’t understand what was going on. My mom told me about those days. She said the main thing that I didn’t understand was why Macy wasn’t at school.

  Which, for a five year old, would be the most important thing.

  I do remember Macy crying a lot. Like all the time. Looking back, I got it. But at the time, I didn’t understand.

  Macy went all through grade school with a good attitude, even though I knew it killed her to not have her mom and dad. She always had a smile on her face and would cheer me up when I needed it.

  I admired how strong she was to get through all of that. I was honored to call her my best friend.