Sheep's Clothing

by Josi Kilpack

  BUT I’ve met this way awesome girl through mybulletinbored.com. Her name is Emily and she lives in Pennsylvania. She’s not Mormon, but super nice. We’ve been e-mailing for a few weeks. She just “gets me” ya know? We have so much in common and in some ways it’s easier to be friends with her than even Britney cause I can tell her anything and it’s not like she’s going to tell anyone else. We talk about all kinds of things—boys, home, school. She’s like really into hockey and wants to be some kind of scientist when she grows up—right up my alley! It’s almost like she’s an older sister I never had. It’s nice to feel like someone likes me for who I am.

  I’ll be finishing up my Good Works project for my Young Womanhood award, so I should get it next month. I’ll be so glad to be done with it!!

  Well—that’s about it.

  me

  Kate was putting the finishing touches on her grocery list when she heard the garage door open. Good, she thought with a thrill in her stomach and a nervous smile on her face. She’d been gearing up for this conversation all afternoon, but wished the butterflies had gone to bed when the kids did. Why was she so nervous?

  “Hi,” she said when Brad came in.

  “Hi,” he replied as he set down his laptop case and shrugged out of his jacket, throwing it over the back of one of the kitchen chairs. He gave her a hello kiss that she wasn’t sure even touched her lips. “How are you?” he asked.

  “Good,” Kate said, adding light bulbs to her list and scanning it one last time. She was sure she was forgetting something—but what? “I saved you some dinner.”

  “Oh, I grabbed a hamburger on the way home,” he met her eye apologetically. “I should have called.”

  Kate smiled and shook her head. “It’s not a big deal,” she said.

  “I’m going to that Houston conference,” Brad said shaking his head and getting a drink of water. “I had so hoped they’d just pick a few people, but they’re sending most of the associates.”

  Kate made a face. He didn’t have to travel often, but he hated it when it was required. So did she. “When?”

  “April 29th through May 4th. I left the paperwork at the office. But it’s another one of those Sunday through Thursday conferences, which means I fly out on Saturday. I hate that.”

  “Me too,” Kate said, sharing in the depression. It completely destroyed the weekend leading up to it when the conference started on Sunday, and Brad didn’t like breaking the Sabbath. “How was the rest of your day?”

  Usually both of them answered that question with very few words. Brad surprised her by telling her all about it. She did her best to pay attention but found her mind wandering, then felt guilty for it. She followed him to the bedroom, turning off lights as they went. Once in their room she climbed onto the bed, sat cross-legged, and smiled as Brad finished talking about his evening while changing into his pajamas. Last summer he’d taken up bicycling, and though he hadn’t ridden much during the winter, it had still paid off. He’d dropped fifteen of the thirty pounds he’d gained since their marriage. She should really follow his example and work toward getting in better shape herself. But if she were going to have another baby, it didn’t make sense to lose the weight now.

  “And how was your day?” Brad asked as he pulled a T-shirt from the closet.

  She had planned to bring up the baby conversation right away, but was suddenly nervous, so she quickly thought of something else to talk about. “My mom called. She might be moving to Ogden. Gary has a final interview with a company out here.”

  “Really?”

  Kate shrugged and picked at the bedspread, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

  “I think she wants to be closer to you,” Brad offered. “She’s getting older. It’s not such a surprise that she’s wondering what she’s done with her life.”

  Kate shrugged again, pretending it didn’t matter. Her mom, Joy, was a real estate agent, first in Utah when Kate was growing up and now in Oregon, where she’d moved a few years ago with her latest husband. She was very successful in her career, and though Kate’s father had been a bum, Joy’s next three husbands had been relatively good guys. She also looked wonderful for her age, which was very important to her, but when it came to the things that made a difference—children and family—they’d always been at the bottom of her list. Kate had grown up knowing that if her mom could relive her life, Kate wouldn’t be part of it at all. But Kate had made her peace with that a long time ago . . . at least she’d tried to.

  “She spent my childhood pushing me away. I don’t feel like I need her anymore.” As soon as she said the words, she knew they came out too harsh. She looked up at Brad, waiting for him to make a comment. She reminded herself that Mom had done the best she could, just as Kate was doing now. Kate could only hope that her best would be a lot better than her mother’s ever was.

  Brad pulled the T-shirt over his head and didn’t respond. She searched for a new subject to discuss. “I got to watch Julie’s baby today.”

  Brad accepted the not-so-subtle change of subject and smiled at her knowingly as he smoothed the shirt over his stomach. “I bet you loved that.”

  Kate nodded. “I did. In fact, it got me thinking . . .” Her voice trailed off as she looked at him, a huge smile on her face.

  Brad paused in the process of stepping into his pajama bottoms and looked at her. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

  Kate lifted her eyebrows and felt her smile falter. She’d prepared herself for some hesitation, but not hostility. “What?”

  “Please tell me you’re not saying you want another baby.”

  Kate tried to laugh off his attitude. “What’s so bad about that?”

  Brad let out a breath and pulled his pajama pants on. “Do we live in the same house? The mere idea of throwing another baby into the mix fills me with unmitigated dread.”

  “Funny,” Kate said in response to his sarcasm. “What about that big family we always wanted?”

  “We’ve got it,” Brad said as he plopped into bed, causing her to bounce a few times. His face turned serious. “After last time . . . ” he said, his voice softer. He looked away, then met her eyes again. “I thought this decision was made.”

  “Well, we certainly haven’t made any absolute decisions, you know that, the last time we talked you didn’t shoot it down.”

  “I guess it’s been awhile since we discussed this,” he said in a tone that communicated the fact he’d rather they still weren’t talking about it. “The doctor was very clear about what to expect should you get pregnant again, and as far as I’m concerned, that’s all I need to know. It’s not worth the risk.”

  “It was one doctor, and he only said there was a chance I’d get toxemia again.”

  “A chance is too much,” Brad said with resolution. He put his arms behind his head. “And we have six kids already—six wonderful, happy, healthy kids.”

  “We’ve always wanted seven.”

  Brad looked at her, his expression sympathetic and yet determined at the same time. “Just because there are seven in my family doesn’t mean we have to have the same number.”

  Kate shrugged, feeling talked down to. She still wanted seven.

  Brad continued, “I don’t think you can possibly understand how scary that was for me. You could have died.”

  “But I didn’t even come close, and lots of women get toxemia.” He didn’t say anything when she stopped talking, so she continued, meeting his eyes, hoping he would see in hers just how badly she wanted this. “You really don’t want another baby?”

  “It’s not about wanting anything,” Brad said. “It’s about making reasonable decisions. But, now that you mention it—things are nice right now, Kate. Chris sleeps all night, Jess is almost old enough to drive—why mess with that?”

  “Because of those very things,” Kate said. Maybe his hesitations were a sign of his lack of faith in her ability to handle it, rather than just concerns about the pregnancy itself. Maybe if she cou
ld convince him she was up to it, he’d change his mind. “Jess is such an incredible help, and Chris is getting older and more independent. God’s given us one window of opportunity to have children, and it’s running out.” She sensed he wasn’t happy with her answer when he looked away.

  “It seems to me that God closed that window when the doctor told us not to have more children, Kate.” He looked back at her. “I really thought you felt that way too. I figured that’s why you haven’t brought it up.”

  Kate blinked, and searched for what to say next. How could she make him understand how important this was to her?

  Brad spoke before she could come up with a rebuttal. “We’ve been commanded not to run faster than we have strength, and I feel our obligation is to the kids we have.”

  “Yes,” Kate said, bristling at the absoluteness of his last comment. “But I feel there is one more of them up there.”

  Brad let out a breath of frustration and got up from the bed. He turned to the window while she followed him with her eyes. “Kate,” was all he said. Nothing more, but in her mind everything else he’d just said cycled through. She really hadn’t expected this and wished she’d prepared some better responses to his concerns.

  She got out of bed and walked over to stand behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist. He covered her hands with his own, and she rested her chin on his shoulder, staring out the window with him and trying not to panic. The wind was blowing the swings back and forth, and she watched the rhythm and tried to relax.

  “Let us get a second opinion,” she whispered. “I’ll find a specialist.”

  He didn’t respond.

  “Please, Brad,” she begged. “I understand what you’re saying, but I can’t give up this easily. My family is everything to me, and I’m aching for one more baby.”

  Brad remained silent for several seconds; then he let out a breath of surrender. “Someone that will be honest,” Brad said, as if he feared she’d pay off an OB/GYN to lie about something like this. “But you need to know, Kate, that right now, I’m against this.”

  How could she be so sure and he feel so differently? She wondered if perhaps she was wrong. Was she confusing spiritual impressions with her own desires? But she chose to focus on the fact that he’d agreed to a second opinion. That was something.

  Brad turned in her arms, facing her, his arms resting on her waist—or what used to be her waist anyway. “Not everyone gets everything they wish for, Kate. Maybe you need to make peace with that.”

  Kate swallowed, trying to adjust to his feelings while keeping them at arm’s length. She just couldn’t believe she was finished having children. “But we’ll get a second opinion before we decide,” she reminded him. “I respect your feelings, Brad, but I’m aware of my responsibilities to this family. I don’t make this decision lightly.”

  He pulled her to him, so that her face rested against his chest. She had the feeling he didn’t believe her. But she knew she was right about this; she could feel it. Somehow she’d have to help him feel it, too.

  7

  ——Original Message——

  From: emjenkins000@yahoo.com

  To: jjk_hollywood@hotmail.com

  Sent: Monday, April 17, 10:15 PM

  Subject: Take my cousin please!!

  Jess,

  i’m so depressed. i can’t believe colt is gone already, it happened so fast. i wish u knew him, he’s such a great guy. i’m worried about him down there all by himself, and so i had a question for ya. i wonder what u’d think of e-mailing with him? he’s going to college in the fall so he’s not real motivated to make friends for the last few months of school, but knowing both of u the way i do i just know u guys could be great friends and i talk about u so much that he feels like he knows u already. u always say how yr nervous around guys—this might be just the ticket for u to get used to talking to one. he’s really cool and i’m kinda worried about him, ya know?

  please, please, please, please, please—it would make me soooooooooooo happy. his e-mail address is coltinator_51@yahoo.com and i know he’d love to hear from u.

  anyway—i was thinking some more about britney. have u ever thought that maybe she doesn’t take the time to know u anymore? like because u’ve been friends for so long she just expects that u’ll always be there? but then again if she wasn’t totally snobbing u, maybe u wouldn’t have time for little ol’ me. i couldn’t handle that. u’re like one of the best friends i’ve ever had and britney’s an idiot to not see how totally awesome u are. there’s just something special about u. i can’t believe she doesn’t see that. i feel like I’ve known u forever. oh, why can’t u live in pennsylvania? (r u tired of me saying that yet :))

  what’s your mommy dearest making u do for her today? :) i swear u should get paid for everything u do to help her out.

  Emily

  Monique Weatherford stared out her kitchen window. It was a beautiful spring day, but she busied herself with other things to keep from thinking too much about what the day meant. She made breakfast for her husband, the silence stretching between them like ice on Lake Michigan in winter. Perhaps words would be strong enough for them to walk across that ice, meeting in the middle, but did they dare risk it? The words had been dwindling these last few months until there was simply nothing more to say. Today, especially, offered no reprieve.

  Harrison left for work, and Monique let out a sigh of relief to be alone again. Alone was easier these days than together could possibly be. Monique cleaned the kitchen, moved on to the laundry, and then got into the shower. She’d taken a part-time job at the library a few months earlier. It wasn’t fancy—she just shelved books. But no one tried to talk to her there, other than asking if she knew what aisle they would find Sushi for Dummies or some other hard-to-catalog book. It was too hard to stay home alone all day . . . waiting. She’d considered asking for today off, but then she would have to explain why, and she didn’t know what she’d say. Again, the words might support her, but then again, they might not.

  She patted her hair dry, the tiny braids falling to her shoulders, parted down the middle. The hair closest to her scalp was getting nappy and outgrown. She’d need to go get her hair done soon. She stared at her round face in the mirror, dark eyes framed by a chocolate complexion, and remembered this day one year ago—the last birthday. She was glad she’d made such a big deal of it.

  “Where are we going?” Terrezza had asked after Monique picked her up from school and they didn’t head toward home. They’d had a difficult year, but Monique was determined to believe the worst was behind them and make the most of the day.

  “You’re sixteen years old,” Monique had said with a broad smile. “Sixteen and never been kissed.”

  “Mo-om,” Terrezza said, looking out the window.

  “Pretend with me, please.”

  Terrezza laughed—that boisterous laugh too big for her body that made it impossible for people not to smile with her. “Okay, for you I’m sixteen and never been kissed. So where are we going?”

  “Raquel’s.”

  Terrezza’s eyes went wide. “Raquel’s?” she repeated. “No way!”

  “Way,” Monique said. “You can get whatever new style you want—maybe those long braids you’ve been wanting. You can even get those blonde streaky things if you want. And a pedicure.” Personally, Monique thought blonde looked odd on women of color, but a woman’s hair reflected her mood or personality. At sixteen, Terrezza was old enough to appreciate that. If she thought blonde streaks helped tell the world a little about her, Monique was willing to give in. She usually braided Terrezza’s hair herself—but not this time. Perhaps never again, now that her baby was so grown up.

  “Holy cow!” Terrezza squealed. “Really?”

  “My baby is sixteen. In a few more years you’ll be gone, and I’ll have the house to myself—it’s something to celebrate, don’t you think!”

  Monique’s blood ran cold at the memory of those words as she stared into the sink
. She told herself that Terrezza had known she was kidding—they joked that way all the time. But it still sat in her stomach like a stone. The year leading up to that birthday had been a doozy. Terrezza had fallen in with some bad friends, was arrested for shoplifting, and was suspended for having marijuana at school. Monique had quit her job as manager of a jewelry store so she’d be home more often.

  But even with Monique home, Terrezza was cutting school. She even ran away one weekend, throwing Monique and Harrison into an all-out panic. But she came home two days later, was grounded for three weeks, and promised she’d never do it again. Things got better, and her sixteenth birthday had been a day of gratitude for both parents. Terrezza was back on track and doing great.