by Josi Kilpack
Marilyn nodded. “Good. I figured you were all likely missing Brad a great deal about now.”
Kate smiled politely, but the reminder of her husband sharpened the unease that was growing by the day. He called every night, and they chatted about the conference, her day, and the kids—and she hung up each time with an “I love you” but no “I’m pregnant.” She just couldn’t bring herself to do it over the phone. But it was eating her alive. She wasn’t one to keep secrets well—especially big secrets like this.
Together, Kate and Marilyn spooned up four dishes of ice cream. “Don’t you want some?” Marilyn asked. Kate smiled and shook her head. The very idea of something sweet made her stomach turn. The kids were nearly finished when Jess and Caitlyn came in. Marilyn hugged both girls, praised Jess’s hair—which did look very nice—and complimented Caitlyn on her fashion sense. Caitlyn had matched her shirt to the brown stitching of her jeans and had used a chartreuse scarf as a belt. It was very trendy, and Kate wondered why she hadn’t noticed that. Then Grandma dished up some more ice cream for the teenage girls.
“I think I’ll put Chris down,” Kate said when his whimpering turned to wails. He hadn’t recovered from his wakening.
“I’ve got this covered,” Marilyn said, removing the empty bowls from the table. “Take your time.”
Kate thanked her and took Chris down the hall. It took several minutes in the rocking chair before he fell asleep, worked up from the late-night excitement. But even when his breath was tickling her shoulder, she kept rocking, enjoying the peace and solitude of the moment.
She was sure it was her fault, a reaction to her own tension, but the kids had been particularly difficult since Brad left. Especially Jess, who wouldn’t say two words to her. On Sunday, Kate had asked for Jess’s help with dinner and Jess had refused, insisting Caitlyn was old enough to help. It had led to a heated argument, and finally Kate had enough. She sent Jess to her room but hated that it meant Jess had gotten her way. Caitlyn helped with dinner, and Jess wouldn’t even come up to eat it. Since then they had been pretending one another didn’t exist. As if keeping the pregnancy from Brad weren’t enough stress. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to do something she hadn’t done for a very long time—relax. The muscles in her back and shoulders slowly softened, melting into the chair. Her head nodded, jolting her awake, once . . . twice. Well, maybe she could rest her eyes for just a minute.
She wasn’t sure how long she’d been asleep but woke up with a jolt, causing Chris to startle as well. Luckily he didn’t wake up. She blinked a few times, orienting herself to where she was. Then she stood and placed the baby in his crib. She pulled the blanket over him and hurried from his room. The house was dark except for the kitchen. How long had she been sleeping? Were the kids still up? Was Marilyn still here?
“Marilyn?” Kate asked as she rounded the corner into the kitchen. Her mother-in-law looked up from the book she was reading and smiled. Kate looked at the clock on the microwave. It was after eleven o’clock. “I’m so sorry,” she said, embarrassed. “I guess I fell asleep.”
Marilyn nodded, marked her place and pulled out one of the kitchen chairs, patting the seat of it. Kate accepted the invitation, but on the way to the table she noticed the kitchen was clean. She peeked into the living room and noticed it was clean as well. No shoes or backpacks in sight. She was even more embarrassed.
“I’m really sorry,” Kate said, and she felt tears come to her eyes. Oh, get a grip, she commanded herself, blinking quickly.
Marilyn didn’t respond verbally; instead she leaned over and put a hand on Kate’s arm. “What’s wrong?” she asked, kindly, gently. Her tone invited even more emotion, and Kate wondered if she’d ever be able to talk that way to her daughters. She hoped so, but based on her recent history with Jess it seemed impossible.
Kate shook her head. “Nothing,” she said, staring at marker streaks from years of little kids’ coloring projects on the kitchen table. They were now a part of the wood grain.
“When are you due?”
Kate snapped her head up and stared at her mother-in-law. She opened her mouth to refute it, but couldn’t. Marilyn knew—of course she knew. She’d guessed it on four of the other six pregnancies. Kate looked back down and shook her head. She didn’t know what to say.
“Congratulations,” Marilyn said, sitting back in her chair as if Kate had just confirmed all the details. “Lucky number seven—that’s what I said when it snuck up on me.”
Kate tried to smile, but she felt her chin tremble. “Brad doesn’t want it,” she blurted out, then looked up to see Marilyn’s reaction. She was visibly shocked.
“What?” Marilyn said.
“I mean, he doesn’t know, but he doesn’t want any more.” Kate felt the tears overflow, and she wiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand. “We’ve been discussing it . . . and he doesn’t want another baby . . . and I do . . . and I met with a doctor . . . and then he did . . . and then I found out I’m pregnant . . . and then he left and now . . . oh, Marilyn, I don’t know what to do.” She dropped her chin and gave in to the tears, feeling safe with Marilyn and yet still anxious about talking about it with anyone.
It was some time later that Kate’s eyes finally dried. Marilyn, as always, was a great listener. “These things happen, Kate,” she said. “In my day we didn’t even have birth control—so they happened much more often.” She smiled at her attempt for humor. Kate tried to smile too but couldn’t quite pull it off.
“It would be easier if we didn’t now,” Kate said. “Then he wouldn’t think I’d done it on purpose.”
“Well, there is that,” Marilyn said, and Kate wondered if she was making an accusation. “But it will turn out. You’ll see. Brad’s a good man, you’ve made him into a better man, and he’ll show up for you in this. I think you know that.”
“It’s not just this,” Kate said. “It’s so many things. We just don’t seem to see eye to eye about anything, and Jess is acting so weird, and he’s going over my head with her, and it’s just all so . . . miserable.”
“What’s wrong with Jess?” Marilyn asked, and Kate launched into her other topic of woe.
“I just don’t speak ‘teenager,’” Kate said with a shrug. “And I know it’s a cliché, but it’s like we’re on two different planets.”
Marilyn nodded. “I did notice she seems a little distracted,” she said. “And she was on the computer for quite a little while. Is that safe?”
Kate nodded. “We have really good virus protection. And she uses the computer for homework—but I can’t seem to do anything right. How did you do it, with your kids? How did you make it work?”
“Well,” Marilyn said with a laugh. “I didn’t always. I mean, Brad was a piece of cake—but Devon?” she shook her head. “If we’d had eBay back then I’d have sold him off for a quarter.”
“They don’t let you sell living things,” Kate said. “I checked.”
Marilyn laughed and Kate laughed too. “Oh, there are hard years as a parent, aren’t there?”
Kate nodded. “I really thought by now that I’d know her well enough that we wouldn’t have this kind of tension, ya know? As stupid as it sounds, I didn’t see it coming.”
“Of course not,” Marilyn said. “That’s the way God intends it—if we knew how bad it would get, we’d reconsider the whole thing and miss out on the good stuff. But seriously, Kate, you just have to learn her currency and then open up the trade markets.”
“Currency?” Kate asked, looking at her mother-in-law for clarification.
“Yes,” Marilyn said. “What does she value? Then give it to her in trade for what you need from her.”
Kate furrowed her brow. What did Jess value? She didn’t even know her daughter enough to figure it out.
Marilyn continued. “Devon, for example, loved to move. So as a family we played soccer every Saturday. He was one of the older ones, so it was easy to get the little ones out there—but I hated every
minute of it.”
Kate smiled at the image of Marilyn, with all her poise and elegance, head butting a soccer ball. “But it kept us clued in,” Marilyn continued. “And then he was on a competition team, so I dragged my row of ducklings to every game. He also highly valued his friends, weird and obnoxious as they were, so we made the house a place he wanted to bring the kids to. Then with Capri, well, she was dramatic and just plain rude, but she valued stuff. Lots of stuff—the pinker the better. So I helped her redo her room and made new curtains. When I found a shirt on sale I’d buy it for her and slip it to her on the sly. By playing the game their way, I was the winner because they would talk to me, and they trusted me because I made a point to know them.”
“Currency,” Kate repeated, things becoming more clear in her head. She looked over and met her mother-in-law’s eyes again. “Bribery.”
Marilyn smiled. “A parenting tool highly underrated.”
29
Journal entry, May 2
I think I’m falling in love. Me! I’ve wondered if I would ever find a boy who would see me as anything other than a good partner in science class, but Colt . . . he thinks I’m pretty and smart. All those things I said about him before are more true than ever. He makes me feel like I can do anything. No one has ever made me feel so good about myself. I just wish I could tell someone!! But Colt made me promise.
It’s just all so incredible—I don’t have enough words in my heart to truly explain it. But just know that I have never been so happy in all my life. I haven’t written him back yet—but wow. It’s like a fairy tale.
Anyway—I gotta get ready for bed. Maybe I’ll dream about Colt tonight.
me
“Jess, you’re acting weird,” Britney said, watching her closely at lunch on Wednesday. “What’s going on?”
Jess shrugged, but she couldn’t wipe the smile from her face. All her life she’d believed that there was one special person made for everyone in the world, and at fifteen Jess had found her special someone. It was an amazing feeling.
“What’s going on?” Britney pushed again.
Again, Jess shrugged, wondering what Colt was doing right now. Was he thinking of her like she was thinking of him? Jess stirred ketchup with a french fry while she imagined his picture on the body of a man—a senior even. It sent a thrill down her spine. Wow. It was all just so incredible. She nearly forgot Britney was there.
“Jess,” Britney said loudly, causing Jess to startle and several other students to look their way. Jess met her eye, and Britney’s cheeks turned pink as she looked at the people now looking at her. She cleared her throat. “You’re acting really weird, why?”
Jess took a breath. Britney could never understand. So even if Jess could tell her, which she couldn’t, it wouldn’t make sense. Britney had never been in love before. She had nothing to base this on, and she’d likely be so jealous that she’d say something horrible about it—about Colt. “Brit, don’t worry about it. I’m fine.” She stood up and picked up her tray. “Good luck at your meet today,” she added before going to dump her tray. She could feel Britney watching her, wondering, and it made her smile even bigger. Today she felt invincible, powerful, as if no one could touch her. She had a secret, yes, and she wanted to share it, but not being able to made her feel somewhat superior. What did Britney have in her life that was as precious as this?
For the first time in a very long time she didn’t question herself, what she said, how she acted. It didn’t matter if her clothes weren’t right, or if she was too quiet. She had Colt, and that’s all that mattered now. It was just so . . . amazing.
30
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, May 3, 1:49 PM
Subject: Wow . . .
Colt,
I’ve got a few minutes of free time in computer class, so I’m writing you back even though my thoughts are going a hundred miles a minute.
I’ve always been told that it’s impossible to really fall in love when I’m so young, but I have to admit that I think about you all the time. At the dance I only danced two times and I know this will sound silly but I closed my eyes on the slow dance and pretended it was you. I just feel so close to you—especially now that we’re e-mailing so often. I have friends, and I have a lot of boys in my ward, but I’ve never felt like this and I missed you—even though we’ve never met. I’m so sorry I stood you up on the IM. I feel really bad about that. So now what? Where do we go from here? I’ve waited to IM you every morning this week and during my computer time, but you didn’t show up—maybe you’ve been waiting for my answer. I can understand that. I’ve never known a boy so easy to talk to and get to know.
The bell’s about to ring—but I’ll write again when I get home.
Love, Jess
Kate peeked out the front window Wednesday afternoon, saw Jess heading up the driveway, and felt her heart rate increase. She’d thought hard on Marilyn’s words long after she’d left last night, and by morning Kate had come up with a plan. Not only did she hope to repair things with Jess, but she liked to think Brad would be pleased with the reparations she’d made in his absence.
“I’m glad you’re home,” Kate said with a big smile when Jess walked in the door. Chris had awakened early from his nap, so she’d sent both boys outside in order to give her and Jess a little one-on-one time. Thank goodness it wasn’t raining today. She needed the quiet for a minute. Jess looked longingly into the computer room, and Kate wondered if Marilyn was right; maybe Jess was online too much. But she pushed that away, anxious to get to the heart of this moment she’d worked so hard to create. “I got you something.”
Jess furrowed her brow suspiciously and took off her backpack. She’d been putting more into how she looked since the dance. She was wearing a little makeup, and her hair was pinned up. It looked really nice, and Kate made a note to compliment her on it later. “What?” Jess asked.
“Well, I’m so proud of you for finishing your Young Women’s Award, so I got the medallion from the Young Women’s president today and had something special done with it.” She pulled the box out of the silverware drawer and held it out to Jess. “It’s still not officially yours yet, ’cause the bishop needs to give it to you on Sunday, but you get a sneak peek.”
Jess opened the box, looked at the medallion for a minute, and then looked up with a confused look on her face.
“I don’t get it,” she said. “I mean, I’m glad it’s silver.”
“Turn it over,” Kate said, almost unable to hide her excitement.
Jess reached in, and Kate came to stand next to her as she turned over the medallion. Into the silver back was etched in tiny letters:
Love you
Jess
**
Dad
&
Mom
“Wow,” Jess said in just the reverent tone Kate had been hoping for. “That’s really cool.”
Kate fairly beamed. “I got you something else as well,” Kate said, really on a roll. She took the velvet case back from Jess and put it away in the drawer again so it wouldn’t get lost before Sunday. Then she picked up the Dillard’s bag from the floor and handed it over. Jess took it and looked inside. Her face didn’t show the same level of excitement as it had when she opened the jewelry box.
“It’s a new dress,” Kate said in case Jess couldn’t tell. “I thought you could wear it on Sunday when you get your medallion.”
“It’s yellow.”
“You love yellow.”
Jess pulled a handful of the yellow fabric out of the bag and looked up at Kate. “When I was, like, eight.”
Kate’s smile faded. Could she do nothing right? And when did Jess’s favorite color change? “You look beautiful in yellow.”
“No, I don’t,” Jess said, shoving the fabric back in the bag. “It totally washes me out. I haven’t liked yellow for, like, ever.”
Kate let out a breath. Was it so hard for Jess to say thank you? Kate had wrestled both boys at the mall, of all places, in order to get the medallion engraved and buy the dress. She took the bag back. “Fine, I’ll go exchange it. They also had it in green and light blue.”
“Can I take it back myself and find something I’ll like?”
Kate took a breath and reminded herself that just because she was ready to make things better didn’t mean it would be easy. “Okay,” Kate said, turning away. “Maybe we can go on Saturday.”
“Or maybe Julie could take Britney and me tomorrow. Britney doesn’t have practice tomorrow and was going to get some new jeans. I bet I can just go with them.”
Kate swallowed and tried to keep her cool. Jess dropped the bag on the counter and headed for the study. “Thanks anyway,” she said. Kate bit the inside of her lip to keep from screaming at Jess or crying—either option sounded good right now. Why was it that the harder she tried to make things better, the worse she felt? Was it worth the effort if the effort gave no reward?