by Josi Kilpack
31
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, May 3, 7:09 PM
Subject: Re: Wow . . .
Jessie—
I can’t tell you what a relief it was to get your e-mail. I was worried you would think I was such an idiot and never want to talk to me again. I should have known you wouldn’t do anything like that. I feel like we’ve known each other forever. After I got your e-mail I closed my eyes and pretended it was me you were dancing with too. It still makes me sick to think of you in another boy’s arms though. I want you to be with me, Jess, and only me. I’m so happy I feel like I could fly. Tonight, I want you to look at the sunset, knowing I’m doing the same thing. Dang, I wish I could meet you in person. I wish I could just hold you and tell you with my own lips how much I love you. Maybe someday—though it will never be soon enough for me.
I also wanted to ask a favor. I know Britney invited you to go to the meet on Friday and then to pizza and everything, but I wonder if you would consider staying home. Maybe I can call you and we can talk or something, but I’d like to be with you on Friday—somehow. Can you do that for me?
Love Colt
P.S. Do you believe in soul mates?
Despite the frustration of the dress incident, Kate kept working on her plan. Jess was on the computer for a long time, but Kate didn’t interrupt her. At one point, Jess went outside and watched the sun set. Kate thought that was weird but didn’t want to be overbearing, so she didn’t say anything. She didn’t even ask for Jess’s help with dinner—though with Brad having been gone for four days now she was hammered and could have used an extra set of hands. Still, she hoped that it would work—that Jess wouldn’t see her as such an enemy. After the dishes were done and the kids were in bed, she took a breath and went downstairs. Time for the second part of her plan. She’d done her part; now it was time for Jess to reciprocate—fair trade.
“Jess?” Kate said as she opened the door to her daughter’s room only to catch her half dressed as she was getting ready for bed.
“Mom!”
Kate quickly apologized and pulled the door shut. After several seconds Jess came to the door and opened it a couple of inches—as if Kate were a vacuum salesman or something equally annoying.
“I’m really sorry,” Kate said, embarrassed for having walked in on her daughter.
“Why can’t you just knock?” Jess asked, her arms wrapped protectively around herself as if still trying to hide her body.
“I just wanted to talk to you for a minute,” Kate said, hating the awkwardness and not knowing how to behave.
“I’m really tired,” Jess said.
“Please?” Kate asked.
Jess shrugged and opened the door. She went and sat on her bed, pulling her legs beneath her and tugging at the hem of her oversized T-shirt.
“So,” Kate said, searching for something to say. “How’s school?”
“Fine.”
“Good! What’s your favorite class?”
Jess eyed her strangely. “Math.”
“You must get that from your dad. I hated math.”
Jess said nothing and went back to looking at the bedspread. The seconds ticked by. Kate watched Jess smile to herself, and it made Kate uncomfortable. Was she enjoying how awkward this was for Kate? The idea made Kate squirm.
“Is everything okay?” she finally asked.
Jess looked up as if she’d forgotten Kate was there. “Uh, yeah,” she said, but the distraction was obvious.
“What’s wrong?” Kate asked.
“Not a thing,” Jess said, smiling even wider, deepening Kate’s concern.
“You’re acting really . . . odd, Jess.”
“What do you care?” Jess mumbled, her smile fading.
Kate raised her eyebrows. “Excuse me?”
Jess looked up and met her eye. “You don’t really care about my life, so why do you pretend you do?”
Kate blinked, completely deflated by the comment. “I do care about your life, Jess. I’m your mom. I love you.”
Jess just shrugged, and Kate was out of words. After several moments, she stood up—suddenly anxious to be done with this. It wasn’t fair for Jess to treat her this way, and she’d run out of patience. “Well, I guess I’ll let you get to bed. Can I get a goodnight hug?” Kate asked, hoping they could at least end things on a positive note.
“Uh, I’m really tired,” Jess said and she quickly pulled back the covers and slipped underneath.
Kate clenched her teeth and took a breath to calm herself down, but it didn’t work. All the hurt and anger and frustration exploded in her mind.
“What is wrong with you?” she demanded, her voice shaking as tears filled her eyes. Jess looked at her over her blanket, startled by the tone. “Do you even care how hard I work to take care of you? How much I do every day to keep this family going? I have bent over backwards to support you, to love you, to make your life good, and you act as if you’re some prisoner of war!”
She stopped to take a breath, ashamed to be gratified by the almost scared look on Jess’s face. “I’m sick of all the attitude, do you understand that? And I’m not going to put up with it anymore. Starting tomorrow your computer time is determined by your attitude. If you keep playing this poor-Jess role, then you get no computer time at all—I don’t care about your homework. But I can’t do this anymore, do you understand?”
Jess said nothing, just stared, and Kate’s anger began to fade enough that she now felt like a fool standing in the middle of Jess’s room pontificating like an idiot. Yet part of her thought, I’ve tried everything else.
“I love you, Jess,” she said, still yelling, “but I’m sick of this. I’m your mother and I deserve your respect.” She slammed the door on her way out and stomped up the stairs. Currency—shmurrency. She just wanted Jess to act human again. She did not have the time or the energy to try to figure out the jigsaw puzzle of adolescent arrogance. Jess knew how to behave—she’d been taught all her life what was right—and it was simply time for her to step up. Kate needed compliance right now. Was that so much to ask?
32
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, May 3, 10:53 PM
Subject: Re: Wow . . .
Colt,
I had to wait until my mom was in bed to write you back—she totally wigged on me tonight—kinda freaked me out. She said if I don’t start respecting her she’s going to take away my computer time—even for homework. I wish she’d either leave me alone or really care about me. The in between fake stuff makes me crazy.
But I did get to see the sunset. I closed my eyes and imagined I was with you. It was awesome. I wish you lived closer. Have you thought more about going to the U of U? Then we’d be really close to each other—though my parents would still totally freak out about you cause you’re so much older than me.
Wow, Colt, I just don’t know what else to say except thank you so much for making me feel so good about who I am. No one treats me like you do, no one cares about me like you do. It’s amazing to feel this way, isn’t it? I hope Emily gets back online soon. Not telling anyone is torture!
As for Friday, it’s a date! I’ll tell Britney I can’t go—I owe you that much for standing you up last week, right?
Will you be IMing in the morning? I hope so.
Love, Jess
“Why can’t you come?” Britney said, whining just a little. It was cold that morning, and their breath clouded in front of their faces as they walked to school. “You said you could.”
Jess made an apologetic face. “I’m really sorry,” she said, and she was. She hated letting Britney down. And she really wanted to go to the meet and the pizza party. Hanging out with Britney’s friends would be so fun. But she couldn’t do that to Colt, and part of her
didn’t want anyone else to become important to her. If she got too close to Britney’s friends, would she have time for Colt? Would there be room? If only she could tell Britney!
“So why can’t you come?” Britney asked again.
“I . . . have to baby-sit,” she lied.
“For who?” Britney asked.
“My mom,” Jess said. “Dad’s been out of town all week, and I think they’re going to go to dinner tomorrow.”
“You think?”
Jess let out a breath. “I just . . . I have to help out, Britney, you know that. I’m real sorry.”
Britney turned her head and looked at Jess again. “You know what,” she said as if making an official pronouncement. “Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself. You never get to do anything, and now you’re staying home because your mom needs you to baby-sit? My mom would watch the kids, or even Caitlyn. This is a big deal, Jess. Everyone really liked you at the dance, and you said yourself it’s hard for you to make friends and things. This is your chance and it’s like you’re wimping out.”
Jess knew she was right—based on the story Jess had told her. But what choice did she have?
“I’m really sorry,” Jess said again, feeling horrible but not knowing what else to do. They had reached the school now and hurried toward the front doors to get out of the cold.
“Whatever,” Britney said, but she was mad. “I’ll see you later.” She hurried ahead and through the doors. Jess took a deep breath and shook her head. If only she could tell Britney; if only she could explain.
33
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, May 4, 2:09 PM
Subject: computer time
Jessie—
You need to be so careful right now. Your mom is picking up on the fact that you have something powerful going on in your life, but we both know that she would freak if she knew the truth. I know this will be hard with how badly she’s been treating you, but you need to play nice. Just do whatever she says, don’t argue, don’t give her any reason to worry about you right now. If you were to lose your computer privileges I just don’t know what I would do. She’d love to ruin this for you, Jess—both of your parents would. So please, be careful, okay. Don’t take any chances.
Love you, Colt
Kate heard Brad pull into the garage Thursday night and she closed her eyes, saying a little prayer about the evening they were about to have. She was sure everything would be fine, that Brad’s heart would be softened—which made her wonder why she was still this nervous about his reaction.
“Mom, are you okay?”
She opened her eyes to look at Caitlyn, who was setting the table. “Fine,” she said with a smile. “Your dad’s home. Call all the kids up for dinner.”
Caitlyn’s face lit up. “He’s home?” Instead of running downstairs where the other children were, she ran for the garage. Kate picked up the abandoned silverware and finished setting the table, her stomach churning and rolling with far more than just the pregnancy hormones.
Despite Caitlyn’s lack of announcement, the kids came upstairs immediately, even Jess, who had been closeted in the study most of the afternoon. Since last night Kate had divided most of her time between dreading Brad’s homecoming and being ashamed of yelling at Jess. Everything seemed to be falling apart instead of getting better.
Brad came in, Caitlyn attached to his arm, and the kids plied him with questions about his trip.
It was a few minutes before he was able to make his way to Kate and give her a homecoming kiss. She smiled but found it difficult to look him in the eye. Marilyn had said he would understand, and she was banking on that, but how long would it take for him to get to that point? It had taken her several days, and she’d wanted another baby.
“How are you?” he asked sweetly, the kids still clamoring for his attention.
“Good,” she said. “And you?”
“I’m wonderful now that I’m with you,” he said with a wink.
Kate looked away. Would he feel the same way when she told him the truth?
“Mom made fishies for dinner!” Justin yelled out, making a face.
“Salmon,” Jess said, rolling her eyes at her little brother.
“I hate fish!” Keith shouted.
“Daddy loves salmon, and so I made some for him and me, and you guys get fish sticks,” Kate said—though she felt “fish” was an exaggerated term to describe whatever meat substance was hidden beneath the breading. The theory was further proven in her mind when she noted that even though all the kids hated fish, they loved fish sticks.
“Do I get salmon?” Jess asked.
Kate looked up in surprise. “You like salmon?”
Jess nodded, but didn’t meet her eye. The tension between them was dreadful.
“I didn’t know you liked salmon,” Kate said, frustrated that she hadn’t even considered making her some. This could have been an opportunity to make things better. Add that to last night and she felt like the worst mother on the planet. What would Brad think of her losing it? Would Jess tell him?
“Remember I had some at Britney’s awhile ago and said I liked it.”
Oh, yeah. Kate remembered. It had been several months and apparently it hadn’t “stuck” in her head. “You can have my salmon,” she offered, wondering if something as simple as that could make a difference.
“Okay,” Jess said as if she were doing them a favor. Kate and Brad shared a look as they took their seats, but at least Jess hadn’t freaked out.
“Why don’t we each give you some of ours?” Brad said.
They had a blessing on the food; then the kids’ incessant chatter helped put Kate’s nerves on relax mode. This was normal; this she could handle. She and Brad both gave Jess a portion of their salmon, which she was surprisingly gracious about. Brad asked all the kids about their day, then listened to their excited responses, commenting as needed. When he got to Jess she just shrugged.
“Come on,” Brad said. “You have a life that’s far more exciting than any of the rest of us. Surely something exciting happened today.”
She mumbled something.
“What was that?” Brad asked.
“Nothing,” Jess answered, glancing quickly at Kate. “My day was very pleasant. Thanks for asking.”
Kate furrowed her brow, wondering about the sarcasm in Jess’s tone. But she didn’t get much time to dwell on Jess’s comment because Brad turned his attention to Kate.
“And how was your day, Mommy? Anything new happen while I was gone?”
34
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, May 4, 7:12 PM
Subject: You won’t believe this!
Jessie,
You are not going to believe this! My uncle has a business meeting in Nevada next week. Since I’m already cleared to graduate, my parents said I can go with him so that we can check out the University of Utah campus.
Isn’t that amazing! Maybe you and I could meet for dinner somewhere. Would that be okay? I can’t believe the fate of how this has worked out. I have been dying to meet you and now I’m coming to Salt Lake! wow!
We’ll be there Wednesday the 10th—can you make this work? I don’t know what I’ll do if you say no.
Love you, Colt
Jess stared at the screen, not sure how to make sense of this. Seeing Colt seemed amazing, but . . . wrong. How could it be wrong? she asked herself. They were in love, he made her feel so good, but . . . meeting him in person?
She bit her lip, and got up from the computer. She was too stunned to reply right then, and she’d been on the computer a lot today. Colt had told her to play nice, so she’d been working on it, and she knew she shouldn’t push the computer time much farther.
On her way to her room she heard her mom re
ading a book to Chris in his bedroom, getting him ready for bed. Instantly she thought she should go in there and tell her what had just happened. It surprised her how badly she wanted to do that, but then she remembered mom’s freak-out last night. She wouldn’t understand, Jess reminded herself, and she’d get mad.