by Josi Kilpack
The consideration was quickly booted out by the reminder as she descended the stairs that Colt was actually coming to Salt Lake. Her stomach was instantly full of butterflies. What should she do? But quick on the heels of that thought was what could she do? He and Emily had become such important parts of her life; they helped her to feel accepted and appreciated and so comfortable and confident. Not seeing him would be an insult. And she did want to see him, didn’t she?
“Hey, Jess.”
Jess looked up to see Caitlyn standing in the hall. Caitlyn had Mom’s light skin and blue eyes but Dad’s dark, straight hair. She was always getting dressed up and playing with her hair. Tonight she’d put her hair up with a bunch of bobby pins so it stuck out all over the place. “Do you like my hair?” she asked. “I’m thinking of wearing it like this to school tomorrow—should I?”
It was punkish looking, but it didn’t look bad, and Caitlyn could get away with stuff like that. “It looks great,” Jess said, wondering what Caitlyn would think if she knew the secrets Jess was keeping. For a minute Jess wished she were a little girl again, playing in the yard until dark, sneaking cookies when Mom wasn’t looking. Life felt heavy all of a sudden.
35
Journal entry, May 4
I can hardly believe this, but Colt is coming to Salt Lake and he wants me to meet him. I’m so excited but I’m so scared. I feel like I’ve known him forever, but it’s really only been a couple of weeks. Emily is still not back online so I can’t talk to her about it and I can’t talk to anyone else. I just know Britney would tell her mom. I feel weird about it, but how can I not go see him? He’s so in love with me and I love him too. I can’t help but think this is fate and destiny—but what if I get caught?
I just never imagined this, but it’s such a thrill too, ya know? Oh, I wish I could talk to Britney, or somebody. I guess this journal will have to do. No one else would understand.
me
Kate took a deep breath when Brad walked into the bedroom after saying goodnight to each of the kids. She was trying to read, but the words were blurring on the page. She put the book on her nightstand.
“How was the conference?” Kate asked, watching him unbutton his dress shirt, her heart pounding. Every minute that ticked by was one minute closer to her having to tell him.
“Fine,” Brad shrugged. “I caught up on a lot of work in the evenings, but I’m glad I’m home.”
“Me too,” Kate said.
“I spent a lot of time thinking about the baby,” he said.
“And?” she asked evenly.
“And I think I was dismissing it too quickly.”
Kate closed her eyes as the relief washed over her. Thank goodness, but then Brad continued. “But I also think we need to wait a little longer. I need to be home more, help out more than I have been, and with you needing to get ready for this—I think we ought to plan on waiting at least a year.”
“A year?” Kate repeated.
Brad nodded. “You can lose some weight like the doctor said, and in another year Chris will be a lot more independent; Jess will be driving. It will be a much easier time for the family should the same complications arise. We’ll be better prepared to work together as a team on this.” He sat down on the bed and smiled at her. “But I think we just might have room for one more Thompson-terror.”
Kate stared at him and didn’t know what to say. This wasn’t what she’d expected, and suddenly she understood why she had still been so anxious.
Brad’s smile fell as the silent seconds ticked by. “What’s the matter?” he asked. “I thought you’d be happy about this.”
“I’m pregnant,” she blurted, then clamped her mouth shut. Hardly the easing-him-into-it she’d been hoping for.
Brad pulled back. “What?”
“I didn’t mean to . . . it was when I had the flu; I must have vomited the birth control . . . and then last week I started feeling sick . . . and then I took a test . . . and then—”
“You’re pregnant?” Brad interrupted, as if she hadn’t made herself clear enough.
“I’m sorry, Brad. I didn’t mean for it to happen like this.”
“But you meant for it to happen,” he snapped, standing up and pushing his hands through his hair. His shirt was unbuttoned, the tails hanging at his sides.
“Not like this,” Kate said, looking up at him, desperate for him to understand. “I wouldn’t do this without your okay, you know that.”
He turned to look at her, his eyes narrowed, cutting through her and causing a lump to form in her throat. “Do I?” he said. Then he broke eye contact and stepped back into his shoes, buttoning his shirt back up.
Kate threw back the covers and got out of bed. “What are you doing?” she asked, panicking. He wasn’t leaving, was he?
He looked up at her again, that same look of anger on his face. He said nothing. Just held her eyes, then opened the door and slammed it behind him. It took a few seconds for Kate to follow, and by then he was pulling out of the garage. She stood in the hallway, and tears filled her eyes again. She didn’t know what to do. Could she have said it better? Should she have told him as soon as she found out? But it was too late now. She’d deceived him and just like Julie said that had made it harder. With nothing else to do, she covered her face with her hands and started to cry.
36
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, May 4, 11:19 PM
Subject: Re: You won’t believe this!
Colt,
You’re coming through Salt Lake??????? I can’t imagine having you so close and not seeing you but I don’t know how to make it work. I’ve never done anything like this and if my parents found out, they’d kill me. I can’t date until I’m sixteen—remember how freaked out my mom was about me going to the dance?
My parents had a fight tonight, I could hear them from my room and my dad left. I snuck up to write you back but I can’t write for long. I don’t know when my dad’s going to come home.
I don’t know how to do this, Colt. I don’t know if I can, but I want to. I’ll be on IM in the morning, okay.
Love Your Jessie
Brad rolled over to find a better position on the terribly uncomfortable couch. After the bomb Kate dropped last night he’d gone to the ward meetinghouse and played basketball against himself for over an hour, until he was so tired he couldn’t think about anything but sleep. When he got home, he just couldn’t make himself go into their bedroom and settle things between them. He’d already learned that she’d manipulated the information Dr. Lyon had given her. And yet, even then he was willing to ponder this, pray about it, make sure his heart was in the right place. And now this? What was he supposed to think?
It was still dark outside the living room windows, but he could tell it was early morning by the sound of birds twittering. He dreaded the day before him, knowing he needed to patch things up with Kate but unable to dispel the doubt in his mind. Had she done this on purpose? Was his opinion of no worth to her?
A movement in the darkness caught his eye, and his heart increased with instant fear until he recognized the shape of the body heading into the study. “Jess?”
She whipped around, and he heard her suck in a lungful of air. Apparently she was as surprised to see him as he was to see her. “Dad?” she asked in a panicked voice. “What are you doing on the couch?”
“I . . . uh, was snoring, and I didn’t want to keep your mother awake.” He sat up and flipped on the lamp. They both blinked against the sudden light.
“Oh.”
“What are you doing?” he asked, sitting up. He looked at his watch. It was 5:15 in the morning.
“I . . . couldn’t sleep so I thought . . . I’d work on my report before I did my piano.”
Brad swung his legs over the side of the couch and stretched his arms over his head. “It’s not even five-thirty in morning.”<
br />
“It’s due Monday and I’m behind.”
“What’s your report on?” he asked, rubbing his eyes.
“Um . . . appendicitis.”
“Sounds like fun.”
Jess glanced into the study. “But I think I’ll wait after all. I’ve got lots of time today. Sorry I woke you.”
“That’s okay,” Dad said. “I was thinking of going running for the first time in five or six years. I can’t sleep either.”
“Okay,” Jess said in a rush. “Have fun. I think I’ll just take a shower before piano.”
“Sounds good,” Brad said while listening to her footsteps retreat. He shook his head again. What fifteen-year-old takes school so seriously that she gets up at 5:15 in the morning? That just wasn’t normal.
He crept into the bedroom and closed the door to the master closet behind him before turning on the light. The brightness hurt his eyes, but he blinked it away and eventually dug out running shoes of dubious age and arch support. The basketball had been a great release last night; now he was hoping for another one since the anger had built back up.
Brad was less than two blocks away when he turned around. Apparently the basketball had taken more out of him than he’d thought. He considered going for a nice, easy walk, but he wasn’t in the mood. He wanted a run—a hard, gut-wrenching run. But his knees wouldn’t allow it, and his enthusiasm was quickly squelched. And it was cold outside—colder than he’d expected it to be in early May.
He walked up the driveway, anticipating just how uncomfortable the day was going to be. As he crossed the lawn, a blue glow from the window of the study caught his eye. The study was located at the front of the house and had three long, skinny windows with Roman shades on each one. Two of the shades were down, but the third was halfway up. He took a few steps into the flower bed to get a better look and shook his head when he realized Jess was at the computer after all.
But she wasn’t working on a report. He crept out of the flower bed as slowly as possible and quietly let himself into the house, glad he’d oiled the hinges of the front door last month.
“What are you doing?” he asked from the doorway of the study.
Jess nearly jumped out of her skin, typed a few letters, clicked the mouse once, and then tried to smile. Brad was not dissuaded by her attempt at casualness. He walked to where he could see the front of the computer, and there on the screen was a website about appendicitis.
“Jess, what’s going on?”
“Nothing,” she said. “I just changed my mind about the report.”
“I saw what you were doing through the window. Who are you instant messaging with at this time of day? Get up.” He gestured for her to stand, and she did, her face pale and her eyes wide. He sat down and began clicking on things, looking for the IM program.
“Where is it?” he said, trying to control his anger but frustrated by the situation.
“I wasn’t instant messaging, Dad,” Jess said from behind him.
He turned in his chair. “Jess,” he said as evenly as possible. “Don’t insult my intelligence. I use an IM program at work—I know what it is. I’ve always trusted you, but if you choose to lie to me right now, that’s going to be a serious problem. Do I need to take the computer to work and have the IT guys pull it apart until they find the program?”
Jess’s chin started to quiver, and her shoulders slumped. “I . . . I wasn’t doing anything bad.”
“Then why do you look so guilty? And when did we get instant messsaging?”
“Everyone IMs, Dad.”
“Did your mother give you permission to have a program?”
Jess was quiet. “No, but I’m like the last loser on the planet because I’m the only kid that doesn’t IM. I knew if I asked she would say no—she always says no.”
Brad took a deep breath. Dang, he wished he and Kate were speaking right now so he could confer with her. He wasn’t sure what to do other than try to make this make sense to Jess.
“The problem with instant messaging is that it’s so easy for people to feel close to one another when they’re chatting that way, and both people forget that they are still essentially strangers. Who were you chatting with just now?”
Jess hesitated and wouldn’t meet his eye. “Britney,” she finally said. “I was working on my report—I swear—but I saw she was online so we started chatting.”
“So if I asked Julie, she could verify it?”
Jess seemed to stop breathing, but he couldn’t help but give Jess the benefit of the doubt. She was such a good kid.
“Well,” she said, “she’s online because her mom won’t let her . . . uh, go to this one end-of-year party if she, uh, misses any assignments, and she missed this one, but the teacher is letting her make it up. If her mom finds out, she’ll be, like, totally grounded from the party.”
“Are you telling me the truth?” Brad asked after he processed the plausibility and it came up short.
Jess looked up at him then, her expression determined. “Why would I lie, Dad?” Her tone was sad and angry. She folded her arms across her chest, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “I do everything you guys say, all the time. I clean my room, watch the kids, and now because I didn’t do one thing just right you assume I’m a liar?” She started to cry and wiped at her eyes. She had a point, but so did he.
“It’s not okay to go behind our backs. I really stood up for you last week so you could stop gymnastics and go to the dance, and then to have you do something like this is disappointing. Do you understand that?”
She nodded slightly. “Can I keep the IM program?”
Here he was again, put in a position of overriding Kate. Yet, he couldn’t help himself. “If you’ll promise me that you will only chat with friends—no strangers—and that you’ll tell me if anyone ever contacts you that you don’t know, or if anyone you know says anything that’s inappropriate, then you can keep the IM account.”
“I can?” Jess said, barely breathing.
“I need your word to follow my rule.”
“Yeah, I promise.”
“Just friends.”
“Of course,” she said with a sharp nod.
Brad stood up and pulled her into a hug. “I love you, Jess, and I trust you—okay?”
“Okay,” Jess said, remaining stiff in his embrace. She pulled away after a few seconds and wouldn’t meet his eye. “Are you going to tell Mom?”
“Yes, eventually. That’s why it’s so important that you promise to do it right, so I can prove to her it’s been okay.”
Jess nodded, but again she didn’t meet his eye.
“Don’t you need to get started on your piano?”
Jess nodded.
“I’m going to get in the shower. I’m glad we worked this out.”
“Me too,” Jess said, and she finally smiled, though it was tense. “Thanks, Dad.”
He put an arm around her shoulder and gave her a squeeze. “You’re my best Jess,” he said, kissing her red curls.
“And you’re my best dad,” she said back, just like she used to do when she was little.
37
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, May 5, 5:45 AM
Subject: Logging off
Jess,
I wondered what happened when you logged off so fast. It’s a good thing I didn’t reply or the instant message would have popped back on your screen again. Your mom will totally freak when he tells her. Even though he said it’s okay, I think you should delete the program and never use it again—just in case.
I love you, Jessie. Be sure you do everything I told you in the IM before we meet on Wednesday, okay. Don’t take any chances. And don’t be scared. Find a way you can get out of the house after they go to sleep—through a window or an unlocked back door. You’ll want to get it ready beforehand. Wait until they’re asleep and then be really quiet
. I know it seems scary but it’s not that big a deal. Emily and I used to sneak out together all the time when I still lived in Pennsylvania, then just go for walks or get a drink from the soda machine. You’ll be fine, Jess. Perfectly fine. Trust me. This is fate.
And I know you’re dying to tell someone, so after we meet you can tell Britney, okay? You only have to keep this secret for a few more days.