Positively Yours

by Amanda Hearty

  Erin was enraged. John had never spoken to her like that before.

  ‘You know I want for us to have a child just as much as you do,’ John said, sounding tired.

  ‘It doesn’t seem like that to me,’ she replied smartly.

  ‘I’m sorry you see it that way,’ he said, walking out of the bedroom.

  Erin was just climbing into bed when John stopped and turned back to her.

  ‘I’ve adored you from the second I met you. You’ve made me the happiest man alive. But recently all we seem to talk about is trying to get pregnant. You never ask me how my work is, how the sailing is going. You never wonder what my ideas on pregnancy are, never wonder how I feel. I live here too, you know. I want this baby just as much as you do. I know getting pregnant is the number one priority, but surely our marriage, friendship and lives are important, too?’

  Erin didn’t reply, she was too annoyed, upset and angry to say anything. She was fuming at John, at the pregnancy test, at the fortune-teller, at the flipping yoga classes, at people like Ciara Ryan who got pregnant so easily. She was annoyed at everyone.

  Later, when John tried to persuade her to come to his friend Rory’s birthday party, she refused. She couldn’t believe John would expect her to go out, to socialize and mix with others after hearing she was once again not pregnant.

  ‘Please just come and have one drink with me. I’m sorry for the way I talked to you earlier. I love you, just come out.’

  Erin refused, and so John went alone.

  And later that night, when her body confirmed what the test had already told her, Erin crawled back into her queen-sized bed, and pulled the large duvet over her head. She cried and cried until she eventually fell asleep. She was devastated. Today was another day she wanted to forget all about. Another day that had started with hope and excitement, only to end with a negative test and a broken heart.

  20

  ‘HAVE A NICE day,’ said the airport check-in assistant, as she handed Grace Miller back her passport.

  Grace took one look at the friendly lady, and started crying.

  ‘I hope you have a nice day, too,’ Grace sniffled.

  ‘What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you crying?’ asked her husband, stunned, as he ushered Grace away from the American Airlines check-in desk. ‘You hate all that “have-a-nice-day” stuff!’

  ‘I know, but I think she really meant it, Ethan. And it might be the last time someone tells me to have a nice day.’

  ‘I’m sure they’ll tell you that in Ireland, too!’

  ‘In Ireland? Are you mad, Ethan? You’d be lucky if a shop assistant handed you back your change, let alone wished you a good day.’

  Ethan stopped walking, and stood in the middle of departures at San Diego International Airport. He studied his wife.

  ‘Grace, you’re overreacting. You’re Irish, you love Ireland. What’s wrong with you?’

  Grace suddenly felt guilty. Today was the day they were leaving their home in San Diego for Ireland. Ethan was very excited, and as usual super-organized, but while he had been arranging to hire an automatic car at Dublin Airport, Grace had been having last-minute doubts about her move back home. She knew she was ruining his good mood, but she was nervous. Suddenly Ethan put his arm around her. She melted into his large frame.

  ‘You’re just tired from all the packing and saying goodbye to our friends. And I know you already miss Coco, but in a few hours we will be with your mum, brothers and family, and you’ll have forgotten all about America. Trust me. I know deep down you must be dying to get home and see them all.’

  But Grace wasn’t sure. Yes, after years of living thousands of miles from her family and friends, she did love the thought of being able to pop in to visit them whenever she wanted, but at the same time she had left Ireland and made a better life for herself. Herself and Ethan’s lifestyle was far better than the one she had left behind. And the move, while at first an exciting venture, now felt like a step backwards.

  ‘OK, I know what will make you feel better. Let’s forget a healthy meal, and go out with a bang, American style! Let’s head for the all-you-can-eat buffet counter. It might be the last time you see one for quite a while!’

  Grace smiled at her husband; he always wanted to look after her.

  ‘OK,’ she said. ‘But let’s swing by the duty free as well, I want to stock up on Hershey’s chocolate, too. I’m going to miss it all.’

  Ethan took his wife’s hand.

  ‘No, you won’t. You’ll have one pint of Guinness, or a full Irish breakfast, and I’ll have lost you for ever. You’ll be the real Irish girl I met all those years ago again!’

  Grace didn’t know about that, but she hoped he was right, because she didn’t want to feel like a stranger in her own country, and as it stood now she was worried she might be.

  Grace had never been so happy to have gotten off a flight. While Ethan had fallen asleep shortly after take-off, she hadn’t been able to relax, and so, without any books packed, had had to watch the in-flight movies. Unfortunately there had been a problem with the movie selection and so she had been stuck with the kids’ choice. And after watching Finding Nemo five times she was determined never to see it again as long as she lived. Yes, Nemo was extremely cute, but she didn’t know how parents could watch the same movies with their kids over and over. It was torture.

  As Ethan collected their matching luggage Grace checked her appearance in her little compact mirror. Her red hair was tied back, and her fair skin looked even paler than usual. She was dying to get into bed, and start sleeping off the jet lag which was sure to hit soon. Once Ethan had all their bags they walked through security and out to Dublin Airport arrivals.

  ‘There she is. Oh my God, boys, there she is!’

  Grace looked around, surprised to hear the familiar voice. It was her mother’s. Suddenly Grace noticed a small group of people all waving to her. Right bang in the middle was Patsy, waving and crying.

  ‘Oh my God!’ said Grace to Ethan. Ethan began laughing.

  As soon as Patsy saw her daughter she held up a big card that read: ‘Welcome Home Grace and Ethan. We’ve missed you.’

  Grace saw the other flight passengers stare at the luminous yellow sign. She ran over to her mother.

  ‘Mum! I only saw you a few weeks ago. What do you mean you’ve missed us?’

  ‘It’s so good to finally have you home,’ said her mother, clasping her tight. Grace was about to remind her that she wasn’t home for good, it was only for a year, but as she hugged her mum, she saw her brothers Colm and Aidan shaking hands with Ethan, and her two aunties smiling at their niece. She realized her mum had made a big effort to get everyone to come to greet her and Ethan.

  ‘Sorry about the sign, Gracie,’ said Colm, as he gave his big sister a hug.

  ‘Yeah, Mum made us bring it. You would think you had just arrived in Ellis Island after weeks of travelling on some stinking boat, instead of getting to Dublin after a few hours on a plane! Anyway, how are you? Any gifts for us?’ said Aidan cheekily.

  Grace smiled at her two younger brothers, they hadn’t changed one bit.

  ‘Yes, I’ve gifts for you all. But they’re packed in the suitcases somewhere. I’ll give them to you over breakfast.’

  It was a huge surprise for Grace to see her family at the airport, especially as she had arranged weeks before with Patsy that after collecting the rented car, herself and Ethan would stop into her mum’s for a big fry-up. Ethan might be health-conscious, and Grace certainly didn’t eat much fried food any more, but even she had her cravings. And so back in sunny San Diego she’d requested her mum’s famous fry as a homecoming treat.

  ‘We just couldn’t wait until breakfast to see you, pet. Yes, it was hard to persuade these two lazy brothers of yours to get out of bed and meet us here. If I could drive I would have collected them myself. Instead I had to just keep on ringing them.’

  ‘Yeah, after the thirtieth phone call I knew it wasn’t
safe to stay in bed,’ said Colm, who looked a little rough, and Grace suspected he hadn’t even showered. But she didn’t mind. All that worrying about Ireland seemed to fade away as she looked at her family, and realized how much she had missed them.

  ‘Anyway, your Aunt Mary is driving, so we will meet you back in my house. I have Esther from next door keeping an eye on the oven while I’m here.’

  Grace was surprised at how much effort her family had gone to for her arrival. She hadn’t realized what a big thing it was for them all, especially her mum. Patsy had gotten everyone involved, even her poor neighbours. Grace was suddenly dying for her mum’s food. She and Ethan said goodbye to everyone, and then headed to collect their rental car.

  Grace and Ethan had a rocky start to their trip to Dublin city centre. Ethan insisted on driving.

  ‘I need to get used to driving on the left, and there is no time like the present to learn,’ an enthusiastic and ever-confident Ethan said as they piled into the fancy blue BMW that he had rented. Grace had barely buckled her seat belt when they almost crashed. Ethan had swung out of the rental company showroom and on to the wrong side of the road. A large truck had to swerve to avoid them, and the driver bellowed his horn, almost making Ethan crash again. Twice more Ethan swung on to the wrong side, before finally allowing Grace to drive the rest of the way to her mum’s.

  Grace felt like a tourist and a stranger pulling up outside her mum’s small red-brick house. The fancy rental car stuck out a mile on the small road. Patsy didn’t even drive, and a lot of the residents didn’t. Being so close to the city meant they didn’t need to, and some couldn’t afford a car, either. Grace met two of the neighbours on the way in. They had heard about her arrival home, and been told by Patsy all about her great life in America.

  ‘And is it true you’ve a swimming pool?’ asked one.

  Grace nodded.

  ‘Good work! It’s far from that you were raised. And what a lovely car! Fair play to you,’ they said, all the while taking in handsome Ethan.

  Grace had enjoyed driving the comfortable car, but now she hurried in to the house. She suddenly felt awkward. She didn’t want people thinking she was showing off.

  The minute she walked in the door of No. 32 St Joseph’s Road, with its porch bursting with plant pots, and its hall full of family photos, she felt like she was a child again. She was home. It was tiny compared to the house she had left in San Diego, but it felt so cosy and warm.

  ‘You made it! We were getting worried,’ said Patsy, as she stood in the kitchen with every pot, pan and baking tray full of food. She had on her old red apron. Grace laughed as she looked at it. Some things never changed! Grace had given her mum that apron when she’d been a teenager, and it was very worn and torn, yet Patsy refused to wear any new one she was bought.

  ‘Mum, that old thing has seen better days!’ said Grace, as she gave Patsy another hug, all the while taking in the smell of cooked rashers, sausages, eggs and black pudding.

  ‘You bought me this with your own hard-earned cash. I’ll never forget the summer you slaved away in that horrible hot shoe shop. But I was so proud of you, earning enough money to help pay for insurance on your dad’s car, and buying us some gifts, too. Your dad always wore those lovely cufflinks. I still have them in a drawer upstairs.’

  Grace was surprised her mum had remembered the gifts, and that she had kept them. It made her realize how different she and her mum were. Grace had become very cut-throat about keeping old things. In America people didn’t hoard stuff like they did in Ireland. Sure, on Christmas night you could often see Christmas trees being put out for the trash. It was awful, but Grace had gotten used to it. But as she watched her mum fix her apron, she felt a little guilty. She realized that sometimes it wasn’t about the age of an item, but the thought behind it.

  She also felt uncomfortable because she had worked so hard that summer to get insurance on her dad’s car simply so she could get out of the house. She’d wanted some freedom. Patsy had never been able to drive, but she didn’t seem to mind. ‘Sure, everywhere I need and want to go is nearby!’ she often said. But Grace had always had the urge to move, go away, travel. She had adored her home, and had always known she was lucky to have such loving parents, but it hadn’t stopped her wanting to be able to get into her dad’s old Nissan and go to other parts of the city, to see how others lived. To go visit friends, and just get out of St Joseph’s Road. And Grace had felt that urge to be somewhere else until she’d met Ethan and fallen in love with him and sunny San Diego.

  ‘Anyway, Ethan, sit down, get yourself comfortable. It’s been a long time since you ate in this house,’ said Patsy, pointing at her son-in-law.

  Ethan squashed in between Colm and Aidan, and began helping himself to toast.

  Grace got the milk from the fridge, and took her favourite old mug from the cupboard. She had been looking forward to a cup of Barry’s Irish tea for weeks! Soon Grace, Ethan, Colm, Aidan, Patsy and Grace’s two aunts – Mary and Joan – were all sitting around the table helping themselves to fried sausages, rashers, potatoes, tomatoes, black pudding and heaps of toast. Grace noticed Ethan limiting his intake of the meat. He had never quite got used to the amount of oil used in an Irish fry. She knew it was unhealthy, too, but she still dug in.

  Hours later, after handing out gifts to the whole family, Grace and Ethan had to go to bed. They were wrecked from the move and long flight. For the next few weeks Ethan’s company was going to put them up in a hotel until they could find a nice house to rent. But tonight Patsy had insisted they stay with her, and sleep in Grace’s old room. Ethan knew not to go against the wishes of his kind mother-in-law, but Grace sensed he would have liked more space. She had to stand on the bed while Ethan got changed, there was so little room to move. She laughed watching him try to balance his wash bag on top of the big pile of Care Bears that Grace used to collect. She had told her mum to give them away to charity years ago, but Patsy had wanted to keep them for her grandchildren. ‘You can’t get good quality toys like that any more.’

  Ethan fell into a deep sleep the minute his head hit the pillow, but it took Grace hours to relax. It felt weird to be sleeping in her old room with her husband. As she looked around her room, and took in all the old memories, she felt like she had two different lives. The old Grace, who with her red hair and pale skin and love for her mother’s cooking was as Irish as you could get – and the new one, who looked at Ethan and thought of the exciting life they had together. It was completely different from anything she had experienced here in Ireland. Grace wondered how these two very different parts would mix, now that she would be living back at home. She walked over to her chest of drawers and grabbed her old Good Luck Care Bear. She took him into the small bed and hugged him. She could do with some sleep, and some of his comfort and luck.

  21

  ‘THIS HOUSE MIGHT well be the one for you both,’ said the young real-estate agent to Grace and Ethan Miller. ‘It’s close enough to the city for work, yet right in the heart of the best Southside bars, restaurants, parks and shops. And this group of houses have a twenty-four-hour monitored security gate.’

  The girl kept chatting as she showed Grace and Ethan around the empty four-bedroomed house in Donnybrook, South Dublin. They had only been in Dublin for a week, yet had already seen four houses, two penthouse apartments and one lovely, yet very small, townhouse. And they still couldn’t decide where to live. Ethan had hit the ground running in his new firm, and had spent all week interviewing for new computer analysts, design engineers and programmers. Grace was still very tired from the journey, yet had also been busy, trying to search for a house for their year’s stay, and at the same time catch up with her family. Her mum rang her about twenty times a day.

  ‘Mum, I’ve been home lots of times before. It’s not that unusual to see me in Dublin. You don’t need to keep ringing me to see if I’m OK,’ Grace had protested, the night before.

  ‘But it’s different this time.
Before you’ve only been home for flying visits that have passed too quickly, but now I have you all to myself. I’ve missed you so much. Those brothers of yours are grand, but they don’t care about the neighbourhood gossip, or your aunt’s new hairdo. I’ve no one to talk to about the little things.’

  Grace didn’t care too much about the little things either, she had more important concerns, like finding a new home and job, and making sure Coco was doing OK without them, but she promised her mother she would call in the next day, after viewing the house in Donnybrook.

  ‘But why would you live there?’ Patsy had asked, surprised. ‘Sure, that’s nowhere near me or the boys. Does Ethan not want to live beside us?’

  Grace had to handle the situation delicately. She didn’t want to upset her mum, but she was reluctant to admit that both herself and Ethan wanted to live it up while in Dublin, and since their home in San Diego was being rented out, and Ethan’s new firm were paying his rent here, they could afford to splash out on somewhere fancy. And unfortunately that did rule out living in a very small house in St Joseph’s Road.

  ‘Anyway, I wanted to ask, could Ethan lend you the car tomorrow? I haven’t been up to your father’s grave in weeks, and I thought we could both visit him. I’m sure you’ve been meaning to go.’

  Patsy left Grace stuck for words. She felt awful admitting she hadn’t been up to visit the grave yet. She had no excuse. She had adored her dad. Being the only girl of the family she had always been his pet, but the last week had flown by and she just hadn’t given a thought to visiting St Augustine’s Cemetery. But the next afternoon, after dropping Ethan back to his new office, which was on Mount Street, she picked up her mum.

  Grace laughed when she arrived in St Joseph’s Road. Her mum was outside the house chatting to her two neighbours. Patsy could chat for Ireland. As Grace pulled up outside the house she saw children running around the small front garden of her house.