Erin couldn’t keep her mouth shut any longer.
‘How can you describe being pregnant, which is a true blessing, as a disaster?’
Ruth looked a bit put out.
‘Oh, Erin! It’s not that we didn’t want children, but just not right now, what with our jobs and all. Of course Jessica was a blessing in disguise, and we love her more than anything, but still she wasn’t exactly planned. And we certainly didn’t want to have two babies under two. And now, in less than seven months we will be back to night feeds, colic and weaning all over again.’
‘God, I’d almost forgotten about night feeds,’ whined Stephen.
Erin was enraged.
‘You know, there are plenty of women who would kill to be in your position. It’s not fair.’
Ruth looked perplexed; she didn’t understand her friend’s anger.
John intervened.
‘Congratulations, Ruth. We are so happy for you both. I suppose it just reminds us that we need to get going!’ John tried to make light of the fact that Erin was embarrassing him in front of his oldest friend.
‘I still think you shouldn’t go around complaining that the pill didn’t work. In my opinion too many of us have taken the pill for too long. It’s ruined many women’s chances of getting pregnant.’
‘Whatever you say,’ said Ruth, who was clearly annoyed.
John and Stephen both tried to deflect the conversation away from babies, and soon the food arrived and they all got stuck in.
Erin was very quiet, her mind racing. She knew she was at the age where most people were having babies, but she honestly felt she was being bombarded from every possible angle by pregnant women, taunted by smug mothers.
‘Erin, guess who I met the other day? A blast from your past – Judy Kennedy.’
Erin giggled. Ruth had known that would make her smile. Judy had been an old neighbour of hers, who also knew Ruth through college. Erin hadn’t seen her in years, but unfortunately Ruth had got stuck with her on many nights out. Like Ruth, Judy had had a daughter – and just recently a son. She was a complete snob and socialite.
‘Is she still queen of Dublin’s nightlife?’ asked John, who found her utterly unbearable.
‘Oh yes,’ said Ruth. ‘We were comparing notes on babies the other day, and I asked her if her newborn Conrad was sleeping through the night, and she had no idea. “Our night nurse tells us he is,” she said. “But of course, who knows if it is true? But it’s not our problem!”’
‘Imagine having a night nurse,’ said Stephen wistfully.
‘That’s awful,’ said Erin. ‘I knew she had lots of babysitters, but a full-time night nurse! I would never do that.’
‘I bet if you had the money you would,’ added Stephen, who evidently was sleep-deprived.
‘No, I never would,’ said Erin adamantly.
‘Anyway, isn’t she going to the South of France for two weeks next week, with the kids and their nannies? We still haven’t brought Jessica abroad, we haven’t been brave enough! I just can’t imagine how much luggage we would need to bring.’
‘I imagine Judy will have lots of things to bring, what with two babies,’ said Erin as she finished off her meal.
‘Oh no, she has none! She told me she couldn’t be bothered to organize and pack for the holiday, so she bought a second of everything that the babies needed. And a few weeks ago she shipped it all to the five-star hotel!’
‘I’m surprised she didn’t ship the kids over, too,’ added John, joking. ‘Just to save her the hassle of bringing them on a flight!’
‘Oh, trust me, if she could have I’m sure she would,’ laughed Ruth. The guys were now laughing, too. Everyone found the story funny except Erin.
‘Why would someone like her have children if she isn’t going to act like she cares? If she isn’t going to mind them at night-time, isn’t going to organize and pack for their holiday? God, it makes me sick. It’s all so unfair.’
‘Calm down. That’s just Judy for you,’ said John, trying to nudge her under the table.
‘Stop touching me,’ yelled Erin at John.
There was silence at the table. Suddenly the waitress came to take away their empty plates.
‘Can we get the bill, please?’ asked Ruth. ‘I didn’t realize the time, we’d better get home to relieve my mum.’
John knew Ruth could have stayed out later, but she wanted to get away from Erin.
After paying the bill, the couples said their goodbyes, and Erin and John got into the car.
‘Well, I reckon we can say farewell to that friendship,’ said John. He was outraged. ‘You were totally irrational all night. What is wrong with you?’
‘Me? I can’t believe you were all joking about Ruth’s mishap with the pill, and Judy and her night-nurse addiction. My God, do you even want children?’
John covered his face with his hands.
‘I can’t do this any more. I can’t have the same conversation a thousand times.’
Erin wasn’t listening. She drove home as fast as she could, wanting to get away from John. He was clearly not on her wavelength.
John opened the front door to their home. It looked so neat and perfect, yet was so silent and empty. Horribly empty, thought Erin, who knew only the sound of a child could fill that space.
‘You are going to have to ring Ruth to apologize,’ said John, as they walked into their bedroom.
‘Why should I?’ she asked, irritated.
‘Because she’s one of our closest friends, and when she told us she was pregnant, all you did was jump down her throat over her use of the pill. You had no right to do that, Erin.’
‘Don’t tell me what to do,’ replied Erin angrily, as she began taking her make-up off.
‘Well, someone needs to tell you, because you are losing it. You acted totally out of line tonight.’
‘Me? You were the one drinking, and I know you sneaked out for a cigarette. You aren’t taking this seriously. No wonder we’re not pregnant.’
John looked at her in shock.
‘You blame everyone but yourself for not being pregnant. It’s your life that needs to change, not mine. You’re probably too uptight to get pregnant. But either way I don’t care any more.’
‘What does that mean?’ Erin asked snootily.
‘It means you have lost track of all the good things in your life. You’re too busy focusing on what you haven’t got. And it’s clear you don’t care about me, either. I think you don’t care who you have a child with, just as long as you get pregnant. You are so baby-focused that I’m not a part of your life right now. And I can’t live like this.’
Erin felt emotionless. John was clearly upset, but she was sure that once she’d got pregnant they’d have plenty of time to worry about their own relationship and their friends. The main thing was the baby.
Suddenly John stood up and pulled down his old gym bag. He started flinging shirts, jumpers and shoes into it.
‘What are you doing?’ asked Erin, surprised.
John didn’t answer, he just continued grabbing clothes from the wardrobe.
‘John?’ Erin asked again, this time seizing his arm.
He shrugged it off, but as he turned to her she could see there were tears rolling down his face. Erin hadn’t seen him cry for years. She was immediately shocked, and more aware of what was happening. This was real.
‘I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I love you, but you’ve pushed me too far,’ John said.
‘Where are you going?’ she asked.
‘My brother’s house, I guess,’ he added quietly, his face white.
And with that John picked up the bag and stormed down the stairs.
Erin ran after him, but he got into his car before she made it to the front door. She watched as he reversed. She sat on the porch as he drove off. She started shaking. She grabbed her phone and rang his number, but it rang out. She kept ringing it until eventually his phone was switched off. She sat on the stairs for ho
urs, watching the driveway, waiting for his car to come back, but it never did. The house lay empty and still. She was all alone.
28
‘HE’S GOT A look of your father,’ said Patsy Slattery very seriously.
‘Mum, what are you talking about? It looks like an eel, or some kind of jellyfish,’ replied Grace, as she took the picture of her baby’s twenty-week scan back from her mother.
‘Don’t talk about your beloved child like that. Can you not see how beautiful he or she is? And I’m telling you it has the Slattery forehead.’
Grace sighed. Her mum had been examining the scan for hours now. Every few minutes she’d announce how she thought it was definitely a boy, only to then uncover some new bit of evidence that would make her change her prediction to a girl.
‘A girl would be so cute,’ said Patsy as she poured Grace some more tea. ‘Imagine a little girl all dressed in pink running around! It would be like the old days, when all you wanted were your Barbie dolls, a Wendy house and some peace and quiet from your rowdy brothers.’
All Grace still wanted was some peace and quiet from them. For the last two months Colm and Aidan had been teasing Grace and Ethan about their unborn child. Of course they were happy that their sister was pregnant, but that didn’t stop the jokes about the possibility of the baby having red hair.
‘Ginger Miller has a nice ring to it,’ said Aidan.
‘It will be known as “Redster” in school,’ agreed Colm.
‘What about Carrot Top Miller? CTM for short?’ asked Aidan.
Poor Ethan couldn’t handle the teasing. Grace was well used to the boys’ digs about her red hair. She took after her mum, while the boys had both inherited her dad’s dark brown hair. Ethan couldn’t see the problem, though. In America he had thought the Irish red hair and green eyes look was kinda exotic. He hadn’t realized the problems it caused in Ireland.
The last two months had been hard for Grace. It had taken weeks for herself and Ethan to get their heads around being pregnant. It was hard enough for Ethan to be in a new country, with new people and a new job, without having to deal with the idea of becoming a parent soon, too. She knew he missed not having his own brothers, Randy and Matt, to chat to. They both had kids, and she wondered if visiting them would have helped him see the good in having children. Another problem had been their dog.
‘What about Coco? He’s not good around children. He’s not going to be happy,’ worried Ethan.
At first Grace had worried about Coco, too. She had watched him online via Matt and Cindy’s webcam, but then recently she had spent more time on pregnancy websites than the usual dog ones. Coco was like a child to her, too, and for years all she had worried about was him. But she had almost forgotten about his wellbeing since the baby news. She felt guilty, but she had more important things to fret about. After Christmas, they had finally moved from the hotel to a house in affluent Foxrock. It was a modest place, yet had a large garden, and was well protected from the road by large iron gates and a good security system. But even after the move Grace and Ethan had had many things to work out. Yes, Grace would have the baby in Dublin, but how soon after would they travel back to San Diego? If Patsy had her way Grace would be chained to Ireland and not allowed to leave the country. Patsy wanted her grandchildren to grow up knowing how to speak Irish, knowing where Europe was on a map, and most of all knowing her.
‘How can this grandchild know me if you live thousands of miles away? It would break my heart to hear them speak in a foreign accent.’
‘A foreign accent? Mum, I’m married to an American, you know,’ said Grace, annoyed.
‘Oh, I know, and Ethan is lovely, but Grace, there’s no place like home, and your home is Ireland. All those shopping malls, swimming pools and sunshine might be fun, but surely you want your children to know how to play GAA, not baseball?’
‘Children?’ asked Grace. ‘God, Mum, one child will be enough. Our world has been shaken enough by the news of this one baby. No, we will be a family of three, that’s it.’
‘You want your baby to be an only child? A poor little lonely child?’ said Patsy.
‘Oh Christ, Mum. Don’t push me. One child is all we are having. My God, you’re so into this whole thing, it’s a pity you can’t carry him or her yourself for the next few months.’
‘Trust me I would if I could. Being pregnant is a blessing.’
Grace knew she was losing the battle, and so changed the conversation. But it was hard not to keep coming back to the same questions: would they stay in Ireland a little longer, what should they do about Coco, and what would Grace do about work? No one would want to hire a pregnant woman who was only planning to stay in Ireland for less than a year. There was a lot to do, but Grace was just so tired and wrecked the whole time that all she wanted was to lie down and sleep.
Ethan had taken a back seat in the pregnancy until the day of the big scan. They had gone nervously into the maternity hospital. As they watched people rub their bumps and smile, or kiss newborns, they had felt left out and awkward. They had felt like impostors. While everyone else had revelled in their baby being on the way, Grace and Ethan had been nervous at the thought of this unplanned arrival. Grace had sat with the cold gel on her stomach, while Ethan had held her hand. As the nurse had explained what was shown on the screen, Ethan had suddenly squeezed Grace’s fingers.
‘My God, that’s the heart beating,’ he’d exclaimed.
‘Yes,’ smiled the nurse. ‘And if I move the camera down you can see the leg kicking.’
‘A leg. A real little leg!’ Ethan’s hand had squeezed Grace’s again.
‘Wow, it’s unreal. That’s our little one. Right there!’
Grace had seen the look in his eyes change. The last few months Ethan had been in shock, knowing there was going to be change in his life, and even though he wasn’t over the moon he had been willing to cope with it. He had helped Grace choose which hospital to book in to, and made sure she was feeling OK and eating well, but it was like he was just doing what he knew was his duty. He was just getting on with it. But as he had leant forward to look at the monitor screen and watch his child roll around, Grace had already sensed a difference in him. There had been something about seeing the images on the screen that had made Ethan finally realize his child was alive and kicking.
As they left the hospital Ethan’s enthusiasm had soared.
‘I know Randy said I would feel different once I held the baby for the first time, but I can feel the difference already. Just seeing him.’
‘Or her,’ Grace interrupted.
‘OK, seeing him or her move, and the heartbeat, it just makes it real. Wow.’
Grace was happy for Ethan. He had always been an enthusiastic person, a real go-getter, but the last few weeks he had seemed confused and unsure of himself. The unplanned pregnancy had flung him into something he hadn’t bargained for, and Ethan always liked to be prepared.
The days after the scan were the best time Grace and Ethan had enjoyed since they came to Ireland. Ethan was getting very excited, and in-between buying Grace a ton of baby books and dragging her to the shops every weekend so they could look at cots, bouncers and car seats, he was finally beginning to enjoy the pregnancy. Grace was still tired, but as Ethan was eager to enjoy the city nightlife and see as much as possible before the baby was born, they spent most evenings eating out in the top Dublin restaurants. From the Unicorn to Chapter One, they spent meal after meal discussing baby names, baby toys and how they wanted to raise their child.
Grace was delighted that Ethan was happy, she knew with his energy and passion he would be a great dad, but even in the enthusiastic weeks after the scan she still had a niggling sense that she wasn’t feeling how she was supposed to. She saw other mums as they walked around Dublin, with their hands proudly rubbing their bumps, and watched them tell anyone and everyone they met their due date. She sat in the doctor’s waiting room listening to other soon-to-be mums as they told her how happy
they were, and how they couldn’t wait until the time came for their baby to be born. She listened as her mum recounted stories of her own pregnancies, all of them tales of joy, hope and expectation.
But Grace had a secret that she didn’t want to admit to anyone: she still didn’t wake up each morning and think about her baby, she didn’t dream about its future, she didn’t cry every time she felt it kick. Seeing the scans had made it a bit more exciting, but mainly Grace kept thinking about how different her year in Ireland would have been without unplanned parenthood looming ahead of her.
Grace had hinted at her reluctance to be thrown into motherhood to her oldest friend Sharon. The girls had met in primary school and become close friends. They’d done everything together, although once they finished college Grace had wanted to get out of Dublin, while Sharon had just wanted to make money and be successful. And she certainly had been. While Grace had set up home with Ethan, Sharon had gotten a great job in an Irish bank, met a man, and before long got married herself.
At first Sharon had visited Grace in San Diego at least twice a year to catch up and enjoy the sunshine, but before long she had said she just couldn’t do it any more what with work, married life and saving to buy an even bigger house. Grace had missed seeing her, but they had kept in touch. And then, almost two years ago, Grace had been surprised when Sharon had announced she was pregnant. Grace had never seen her friend as the maternal type, but of course she had been happy for her, and had sent baby Chloe the cutest, most expensive clothes that the West Coast had to offer. Grace had been dying to hang out with Sharon once she’d moved back to Ireland, but it had been harder than she’d thought. They had met a few times to begin with, but then Sharon and her husband Mike had had to move into their new house in Co. Wicklow and had been up to their eyeballs. But once Sharon had heard that Grace had the pictures from her twenty-week scan she had longed to see what the baby looked like.
‘You just have to visit next week! I still have Chloe’s little scan photos. They are so precious.’
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