Grace wouldn’t exactly call the scan photos precious; cute maybe, but they were so hard to interpret. And she just couldn’t believe that the black-and-white grainy blob was actually her child. But even so, she set a date to visit Sharon and baby Chloe.
And now, as she drove past Greystones, she wondered when Sharon would return to work. She had taken extended maternity leave because of the baby and the house move, but Grace presumed that with her love for work, her career and making money, she would be heading back soon. After all, Chloe was now fourteen months old.
‘I’m not going back,’ said Sharon, as she poured Grace a cup of tea.
Grace was very surprised.
‘Sure, how could I leave all of this?’ Sharon asked, as she waved her hands around the huge shaker-style oak kitchen. With its expensive furniture and massive glass windows overlooking the extremely large country-style garden, Grace could see how Sharon would find it hard to go to work each day and leave it behind. It really was a beautiful home.
‘I suppose it would be hard! I know I miss our house back in the US, too. We’re lucky we both have such lovely big homes!’ Grace joked as she tucked into another biscuit.
‘No! I don’t care about the house! It’s Chloe I’d miss. It’s all this I couldn’t live without,’ Sharon said, as once again she waved around the room. This time Grace noticed the other things. The large photos of Chloe, the frame that held a pair of bronzed first shoes, the yellow highchair, and the Winnie The Pooh DVD that was playing from the small TV in the corner. And then she looked at Chloe, who was sitting amidst a big pile of toys. She had a buttered cracker in one hand and was flicking the pages of a Dora the Explorer picture book in the other.
‘How could I ever leave her?’ Sharon asked again.
Grace looked on as Sharon picked up her daughter and gave her a big hug and kiss. Chloe squealed with delight. As she kissed her mum back Grace could see how happy both of them were. Chloe was beautiful and as bright as a button, but still Grace couldn’t believe that the workaholic Sharon was about to throw in her career.
‘Once you have a child nothing else matters. Yes, we worked hard to get this house, and it really is everything we dreamt of, but a house, a car, travel, clothes, make-up – they all come a distant second to a child, your own child.’
Grace said nothing.
‘It took us a long long time to get pregnant. There were very tough times, but when we were finally blessed with our little angel I just knew nothing else could ever make me as happy again. She was worth all the hardship.’
When Sharon had announced she was expecting she had admitted to Grace that it had taken her a little while to get pregnant, but what her friend was saying now made Grace realize it had been much harder than she had let on.
‘I couldn’t get pregnant for a long time. We tried everything. Finally we had IVF.’
Grace put down her mug. She was so surprised. Sharon had never told her that. She hadn’t even known Sharon had wanted kids that much.
‘Nobody ever wants to admit that they can’t get pregnant. I never told anyone apart from my mum and sisters. But that didn’t make it any easier. At first we just kept trying by ourselves, but eventually we had to get help. Nowadays a lot of women are the same: I suppose our generation has left having children too late. I always thought I could just have kids whenever I wanted. If it hadn’t been for Mike’s interest in having children early then I might not have tried for a few more years, and then maybe I would never have had Chloe at all. God, I can’t bear thinking about that, though. I was so selfish before.’
Grace didn’t like her friend thinking badly of herself. Sharon was fun, kind, hard-working and a great friend.
‘Don’t say that,’ said Grace, taking her hand. ‘Look at you now, in your fancy Dan house, with a beautiful child, and the knowledge that you don’t have to get up for work in the mornings. You’re lucky!’
‘So are you,’ replied Sharon, as she swept the blonde hair out from Chloe’s forehead. Chloe smiled and then made a beeline for the new kitchen presses, which had locks to prevent her from opening and breaking everything inside them. ‘It’s just such good news that soon you’ll have a baby, too. Our children can be friends, just like us!’
‘Oh yeah,’ said Grace, once again reminded of how soon she would have her own child.
Sharon took in Grace’s demeanour.
‘I know this has been a big surprise, and you feel you were caught out, but we’re not seventeen years old. Getting pregnant isn’t something to be worried about. Yes, you got pregnant while on the pill, it happens to so many people. You might see it as an accident, but trust me, once you hold your baby you will realize it was a true blessing.’
Grace felt she was talking to a stranger. Sharon sounded like the perfect mother from a Disney movie. Grace had come here not only to visit her friend and her gorgeous baby, but finally to be able to admit to someone that she was nervous. Nervous that her maternal instincts and feeling hadn’t kicked in, that she still didn’t know if she wanted a child. But as she heard Sharon say once again how having children was a blessing she didn’t think she would be sympathetic.
Even so, Grace admitted her fears, but rather than comfort her, Sharon got very defensive.
‘Do you know how many women would die to get pregnant and have a child of their own? You should realize how lucky you are!’
‘It’s not that I hate children or anything. When I see Chloe I know how great children can be, but just because some women find it difficult to get pregnant doesn’t automatically make me feel over the moon because I didn’t.’
‘Find it difficult? Grace, it’s more than just finding it difficult to get pregnant that causes the pressure. I never told you, but my inability to have children almost broke me and Mike up.’
Grace looked at Sharon. She had never heard her speak so openly and truthfully.
‘You don’t know the pressure a couple can be under when all they want is children yet they just can’t make them. At first it wasn’t a big deal, but as the months wore on our whole lives revolved around my cycle and periods, around trying to eat healthily, trying to relax – yet not being able to – and, of course, the underlying unspoken thought that it might be all the other person’s fault. If we hadn’t fallen pregnant when we did, I honestly think we might have split up. We were under such pressure, and we were just so consumed with it all that we lost track of ourselves. When you want a child there is nothing else to talk or care about, but when Chloe was finally born we became a family, and the joy and happiness brought us back together again. We’re so lucky to have Chloe, but so many people will never get pregnant, so you should be grateful. Try to be happy. More positive.’
After hearing how hard Sharon and Mike had struggled to have Chloe, and how it had pushed their marriage to breaking point, Grace could see how Sharon wouldn’t understand how she was feeling. So she switched to another topic of conversation, and Sharon gave her a guided tour of their new home before they sat down to lunch.
Grace was helping Chloe put on her pink shoes when Sharon opened the dishwasher to get some clean cutlery out for lunch. Suddenly Chloe pushed Grace aside, flung the shoe on the floor and made a dash for the open dishwasher. Grace was amazed at her speed.
‘She just loves all the kitchen appliances. She could stare at the washing machine all day,’ said Sharon. ‘And she adores helping me unpack the dishwasher. You’re a great help, aren’t you?’ she said to Chloe.
As Sharon started slicing the bread for lunch Chloe went hell for leather trying to grab the clean plates. Grace watched in horror as the scene played out like a Greek wedding. Chloe systematically picked up every plate from the dishwasher rack and flung them on to the ground. The first two just rolled on to the floor, but the third smashed. Grace ran to grab the fourth out of her hand but she wasn’t quick enough. Chloe held it high, and then smashed it on to the brand-new wood floor. Grace looked at Sharon, expecting her to give out to Chloe, but inst
ead Sharon just smiled.
‘She’s a lively baby, isn’t she? Always wanting to be into everything!’
Grace didn’t know what to do. As she sat among broken china she wondered whether she should reprimand Chloe herself. Chloe needed to learn rules. But eventually Sharon picked Chloe up and asked her to not break mummy’s plates again. Although she hugged Chloe as she said it, which Grace thought made it less likely that Chloe would learn that she’d done something wrong.
As the two friends caught up over the rest of the afternoon, Grace began to realize how much work a baby was: with mixing bottles, feeding, nappy changing and playing it was all go. Chloe was a cutie, but at the same time Grace was surprised how lenient Sharon was. The toddler chewed books, ripped up the newspaper, broke a cup and spilt water everywhere. Grace knew she didn’t mean any of it, but still, she remembered Sharon as a tough-talking hard-working career woman, and couldn’t get used to seeing her so soft and easy to walk over. Finally Grace knew she should go. She had enjoyed catching up with her oldest friend, but the conversation kept becoming one in which Sharon tried to make Grace understand how lucky she was, and to tell her how much she would love being a mum. Chloe and Sharon walked Grace to the door.
‘You know, it took us three rounds of IVF to get pregnant with Chloe. It was awful. And as much as we’d love to have more kids, we couldn’t go through it all again – the stress, worry, cost, medication and pressure. No, Chloe will be our only child.’
Grace didn’t know what to say. After seeing how Sharon idolized Chloe she could imagine how unbearable she must find it, not being able to have another baby.
‘I know I’m too soft on Chloe, but she’s a great child, and she is the only person who is ever going to call me Mama. And that is worth more to me than any amount of china plates.’
Grace looked at Sharon, who had her arms wrapped tightly around the baby. Chloe had been her one chance at having a family. Grace leant forward and hugged both Sharon and Chloe at the same time. She wasn’t converted, but as she watched little Chloe wave goodbye, she thought she felt her heart start to melt. Just a little.
29
‘OK, HOLD YOUR hand steady. It won’t work if you don’t stop moving.’
‘What is it, Mary? I can’t see properly without my glasses. What will it be?’ asked Patsy Slattery excitedly.
Grace groaned, but at the same time watched with interest, as her Aunt Mary held a needle and thread over her right hand.
‘It’s a circle,’ cried Grace’s other aunt, Joan. ‘A circle!’
‘Oh my God, that means a girl. A little girl. I knew it!’ exclaimed Patsy, as she hugged Grace.
‘Mum, holding a bit of thread over my hand isn’t hard science! It’s an old wives’ tale, so let’s not start painting the nursery pink just yet.’
‘Grace Slattery, how dare you!’ said Patsy.
‘It’s Grace Miller, Mum.’
‘OK, Grace Miller. Your Aunt Mary has been holding this “bit of thread” over women’s hands for years. She has predicted every child in this road correctly for as long as I can remember. She kindly offered to let us know what Baby Miller will be, and I’m telling you now: if she says it’s a girl then it is.’
Grace looked at her aunt.
‘It’s true. The needle doesn’t lie!’
‘Congratulations, pet,’ said Joan. ‘We’ve all been dying for a girl! Girls are just great! I mean, of course, I love my boys, but God what I wouldn’t do for a bit of pink in the house. Every wash is black, grey or blue. And I swear if I have to watch any more football I’ll explode! To have a little girl in the family would just be perfect. Imagine the clothes!’
Grace pretended she wasn’t totally buying into her aunt’s old-fashioned way of predicting the sex of the baby, but as her mum and aunts chatted about baby clothes she did start to imagine a little girl. She would have Ethan’s fair hair and her own pale skin. She would be so cute.
As Grace allowed herself to fantasize about having an all-pink gorgeous daughter, Patsy was on the phone to Colm.
‘OK, if you want to come home for dinner that’s no problem. We’d love to see you! Sure I’m cooking Grace’s favourite food tonight, don’t I have to keep this baby healthy? What? Oh yes, Colm, the washing machine is free to use after dinner,’ Patsy said, her voice changing. ‘God, is that the only reason you ever come to visit me? To have your dirty T-shirts washed? Well, I’m telling you enjoy it while it lasts, because once this baby girl arrives it will be every man for himself. No, I’ll be too busy with Grace and the baby to be washing your clothes. Anyway, we will see you tonight.’
Grace was staying with her mum for a few days while Ethan was away. He was on holiday with his parents in Italy. Sally and Bill Miller were lovely. Like Ethan they were healthy, full of energy and kind. They lived in San Jose, which wasn’t too far from San Diego, so it had been easy for Ethan to visit them. Bill had retired last year, and once they’d heard about Grace and Ethan’s trip to Ireland they’d decided it would be a great time for them to do the big holiday to Europe that they had always dreamt of. They started in Dublin, and after two weeks in ‘Eire’ they planned to head to France, Spain, Italy, Greece, Croatia and Poland. Their trip had been mapped out well in advance of Grace’s pregnancy news, but they’d been delighted to get a chance to see the bump, their future grandchild, while in Dublin.
Patsy had been very nervous about their visit. She had met them at the wedding, of course, and seen photos of their big house in America, and knew they enjoyed a superb lifestyle. And she wanted to impress them. Bill and Sally had stayed in Foxrock with Grace and Ethan, but when they had arrived two weeks ago Patsy had decided to cook a big meal for them all, to celebrate Grace’s pregnancy. Patsy, and Grace’s two aunts, had spent all week cleaning, decorating, fixing the small garden and cooking – and Patsy had even got her hair done. Unfortunately the meal had gotten off to a bad start once Bill had arrived.
‘So this must be your city house,’ he had said as he’d walked up the short driveway. ‘Yes, we keep a small place in the city, too. In San Fran it just makes more sense to keep the city home small. Like yourself, it’s easier to keep.’
‘Oh, what a cute townhouse!’ Sally had said as she walked into the modest hallway.
Oh crap, had thought Grace. She had turned to see her mum’s face flush with anger.
‘Our “city house”? Our “townhouse”?’ Patsy had said quietly to Grace. She’d been furious. ‘This is our family house, where we raised three children. Teddy worked hard for this house and family home. My God, if he could hear them now!’ Grace tried to persuade Patsy that Bill and Sally hadn’t meant to be unkind. They came from very fortunate backgrounds, and they just weren’t used to such small family houses. Eventually Patsy had calmed down and started cooking the dinner.
The small kitchen had been crowded as they’d all sat down to one of Patsy’s famous home-cooked meals: a chicken and broccoli bake with white wine and cream.
‘Oh, Patsy, I’m lactose intolerant,’ Sally had said, as she’d eyed up the plates dripping with cream.
Grace had panicked; this wasn’t America, they didn’t have a healthy alternative. Patsy’s face had shown annoyance and distress, too. Suddenly Aunt Mary had come to the rescue by offering to make Sally a chicken salad instead. Grace had sat down, and hadn’t been at all surprised to see the size of her plate. Ever since Patsy had heard that Grace was pregnant with her grandchild, she had taken it upon herself to make sure that Grace ate for two, although it actually felt like three. She was being force-fed all day long.
‘You just have to eat well. We want to make sure this baby is healthy and happy.’
‘Happy or fat?’ Aidan had asked, on more than one occasion.
While making sure Grace ate plenty, Patsy had also done novenas for her grandchild. Half the road had been forced to join Patsy on her quest for the safest ever delivery of a child.
As Grace tucked into her food, Bill and Sally had t
old everyone about their trip. From Rome to Berlin, they wanted to see it all.
‘God, sure, I haven’t been to most of those places myself,’ Patsy had said, as she’d poured everyone, apart from Grace, some wine.
‘Well, Patsy, we’ve been all around the world, from Africa to Australia, but really we’ve been meaning to do this big European trip for years, and now that Ethan and Grace are in Ireland it felt like the right time. But we would really love for the kids to join us, even for a part of it.’
Grace had looked at Bill, and then at Ethan. Bill and Sally had been asking Grace and Ethan to join them on their trip for months. Initially Ethan had said he couldn’t ask for time off work, and then once Grace got pregnant he had told his parents he just wanted to stay with her, but Grace had realized they would love to have their son and daughter-in-law with them.
‘Mom, you know I can’t take that long off work,’ Ethan had replied.
‘We’re not expecting you to come for the whole trip, but you’ve always wanted to see Rome and Pompeii, could you not even join us for a few days?’
Grace had seen Ethan weaken. He’d always longed to see where the Roman emperors had ruled, and where pizza originated, and marvel at the once-buried city of Pompeii. But Grace had been adamant that she didn’t want to go away. She didn’t feel that well, her back and legs hurt, and even though she was five months’ pregnant she was still suffering from morning sickness. She was just too tired to spend hours walking around the streets of Rome and Pompeii. As she’d watched Bill explain the trip in detail she’d seen Ethan’s eyes light up; he would love to go. All Americans dream of one day visiting Europe, and her husband had been no exception.
‘Listen,’ she’d said to Ethan, ‘why don’t you join your parents on the Italian leg of their holiday? I’m sure work could survive without you for a week.’
‘How can I leave you and the baby?’ he’d replied.
‘I’ve a few months left until this baby pops out! So there’s no fear of you missing the birth. Just go on the trip and me and our bump will still be here when you return.’
Positively Yours Page 16