Positively Yours

by Amanda Hearty

  ‘Well, I haven’t talked to Tom about it, but it suits me fine,’ she said cheerfully. ‘I’m so busy myself at the moment.’

  ‘Of course, of course,’ said Graham, trying to hide his surprise at Beth’s non-involvement with the trip.

  ‘Anyway,’ he said, slowly smiling, ‘I hear you’re the talk of the office.’

  Beth groaned. She was sick of hearing about her older man.

  ‘I’m sure you’re sick of all the baby chat, but fair play to you for braving Mothercare on a Saturday afternoon! If there’s one thing I’ve learnt it’s to avoid baby shops at the weekends, they are a nightmare. Late night Thursdays are better, or online shopping!’

  Beth wasn’t listening to his tips, she wanted to find out how he knew she’d been in Mothercare on Saturday.

  ‘How do you know about my cot-hunting trip?’ she asked.

  ‘Oh, well it was Eoin who was telling us about meeting you and your partner there on Saturday. He’s such a gossip, he’s worse than the women who work here.’

  Finally all the gossiping made sense, it wasn’t that they knew about Tom. No, they all thought her dad was the father! Suddenly Beth started laughing. Her poor father had only been trying to help her shop, and now he was the talk of the office.

  Graham looked at Beth. ‘What’s so funny?’

  ‘Graham, that wasn’t my “partner” Eoin met on Saturday. That was my father!’ she laughed again.

  Graham was a little surprised, but promised her he would set all the wagging tongues straight.

  Beth was so relieved to hear no one knew about Tom, although she was still annoyed that he had ignored her all day.

  Once it hit 7 p.m. the office emptied, but Beth stayed on; she had a mountain of work to get through. She was heading back from the bathroom for what seemed like the twentieth time that day – she still couldn’t get over how much pressure the bump put on her bladder – when she ran into Tom.

  ‘Oh, you’re still here?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, well I’ve got a lot to get through tonight. I’ve been trying to contact you all day,’ she said.

  ‘Oh yeah, sorry. I’ve been busy,’ he said, not sounding that sorry at all. ‘But let’s talk now.’ He ushered them both into his office.

  Beth sat down opposite Tom. He felt like such a stranger to her, now. It was over three months since she had told him her news, but she still hadn’t forgiven him for how he had reacted and treated her. At first she’d thought she wouldn’t be able to work in the same building as him, but then she’d realized she had to, and so had decided that when they were at work she would try to forget about their personal situation and view him as her boss and colleague. But today she had needed him, so they could talk about the office rumour, and he had let her down.

  ‘I left messages for you all day,’ she said.

  ‘I’ve been busy,’ he repeated.

  ‘Busy or not, you can still have the decency to answer my calls. I’m not asking a lot from you. I’m the one doing everything for this baby, our baby, and when I do need you to spare a few minutes so we can talk you ignore me. That’s not fair, Tom.’

  He didn’t say anything. Neither did Beth. She was so annoyed. She didn’t deserve to be treated like this.

  ‘OK, I’m sorry. What was it you needed to talk about?’

  Beth explained the mix-up about everyone thinking her dad was the father of the baby. She knew it was slightly funny, but Tom didn’t even smile.

  ‘Do you honestly think I would suddenly tell everyone now? After all these months? I’m not that stupid.’

  Beth looked at him, and once again wondered how she ever could have fallen for such a heartless man.

  ‘Anyway,’ she said, trying to keep her cool, ‘Graham O’Reilly said he’s off to the UK for some client entertaining. I should be going on that trip, too, you know that. What’s going on?’

  Beth could see Tom becoming uncomfortable.

  ‘It’s a little awkward. I didn’t know if you would be up for all of that, what with your condition. So I thought it better to let Graham and a few others go on their own. But don’t worry, I didn’t tell him why I didn’t ask you to go.’

  ‘My condition?’ said Beth, her blood pressure rising. ‘I’m pregnant, not terminally ill.’

  Tom could see how annoyed she was.

  ‘Well, you might not have been up for the flight, and all that entertaining and socializing,’ he said meekly.

  ‘How dare you?’ said Beth. ‘This is my career, it’s my choice whether I’m “up” for it or not. You made it quite clear you wanted nothing to do with this baby, and if that’s your decision then stick with it. Either you’re involved with all aspects of this pregnancy, baby and my health, or you aren’t. You can’t pick and choose.’

  ‘I’m sorry, it won’t happen again. It was a lack of judgement on my behalf,’ Tom said, looking at his watch. ‘I know you’d like to talk more, but I’m afraid I’ve got to be somewhere in a few minutes. I’m already running late, so maybe we could leave this to another time?’

  Beth was about to agree, when, for the first time all day, she noticed how smart Tom looked. He was wearing his favourite suit – his hand-made Armani – and seemed to have gotten a haircut. He always looked well, but even for him he was unusually well dressed for an average Monday in the office.

  ‘Where are you rushing to?’ she asked, suddenly guessing what he might say, but hoping she wasn’t right.

  Tom flinched.

  ‘It’s nothing serious. Just dinner.’

  ‘You shit. I’m pregnant with your child and you’re seeing someone? What kind of man are you?’

  ‘Calm down. It’s just dinner with someone I met last week.’

  ‘I don’t care what it is. Who is she?’ Beth demanded.

  ‘No one you know,’ he admitted.

  Beth stared at him, waiting for a more substantial answer.

  ‘She’s my age, a friend of a friend. She’s like me, enjoys work, and her kids are grown up.’

  ‘Wow, could you make it any clearer to me? She doesn’t want kids, like you. While I’m the “broody ex-girlfriend”. Well, wake up! Whether you like it or not you do have a child on the way. Does she know that?’

  ‘Christ! We’ve only met twice, of course she doesn’t know. I told you I wanted to be with you, but you made the decision to leave.’

  ‘Only because you gave me an ultimatum of you or the baby! I had no choice. But I didn’t realize it meant you would rush head first back into the dating scene. How could you do this?’

  Tom looked down. ‘I’m sorry how it has all worked out.’

  ‘Not as sorry as I am,’ she replied.

  Neither said anything for what seemed like ages. Finally Beth stood up.

  ‘I’d better go, I’ve got lots of work to do,’ she said, trying to sound calm, but her voice was shaking. She was so upset.

  ‘I don’t want to leave you like this. I didn’t mean to hurt you.’

  ‘You already have. Anyway, enjoy your night,’ Beth replied, as she walked out the door.

  The minute Beth sat down at her desk she started crying. She tried to concentrate on her emails, but she couldn’t read them through the tears running down her face. It had never crossed her mind that Tom would start seeing someone so soon. There was a tiny bit of her that had thought that once the baby was born he might come to his senses and want to be involved, but she could see now she’d been deluding herself. He didn’t care at all. Tom dating someone new was adding insult to injury, and she just couldn’t take it.

  Beth looked at the pile of folders on her desk; she had so much to do, but she knew she was too upset to work. It had been such an awful day: first everyone gossiping about her older man, then being left out of an important work trip, and now finding out that Tom was seeing someone new. She felt devastated.

  She picked up her phone and tried to ring her dad, but then remembered he was playing golf in the K Club that day and spending the night wi
th friends. And it wasn’t fair to burden her friend Susan tonight with Tom’s news, she could tell her tomorrow in work. Beth looked out of her big office window and watched the world pass by. She had never felt so alone.

  Suddenly she felt a popping sensation. She gazed down at her stomach. It popped again. She lifted up her shirt and placed her hand on her bare stomach. It was only faint, but she felt something. Oh my God, she thought. It was a kick. Her baby’s first kick! It was like popcorn popping, or a butterfly fluttering. It was weird, but amazing. Beth felt it again.

  She realized she wasn’t alone at all. All this time she had had someone close by. A little someone: her baby. She felt the popping again. She started crying once more, but this time it wasn’t tears of sadness, but tears of pure joy.

  33

  ‘WERE THERE ANY phone calls while I was out?’ Erin asked Paula as she walked into their office. Her voice was full of hope.

  ‘No, no phone calls,’ replied Paula, blissfully unaware of Erin’s broken heart.

  It had been six weeks since John had moved out. Erin went through the motions of going to work, making dinner each evening and tidying the house, but it didn’t feel real. She still couldn’t believe that John wouldn’t be at home, waiting for her. But he never was.

  They had talked on the phone, and by email, but it had been like communicating with a stranger. His voice had been dead, distant. Erin didn’t know if she had lost him for ever, but as the weeks passed it began to feel like that.

  John had called in soon after leaving to pick up some clothes. Erin had tried to reason with him, tried to explain how she had rung Ruth to apologize for her outburst that night.

  ‘It isn’t just about that night. If you can’t see that, I can’t help you.’

  ‘Well, what’s going to happen to us?’ Erin had said. She’d barely been able to bring herself to ask the question, she’d been so terrified of his answer.

  ‘I don’t know,’ he’d said quietly. ‘I’ve some things I need to work out on my own. I’ve a lot to think about.’

  John had then walked out the door, but not before making sure the house was all secured properly. ‘Make sure you lock up every night, you need to be careful when you’re here alone.’

  Erin had almost cried. Even in his anger he had still been the most caring man she knew. She’d tried to hug him, but his body had gone rigid.

  ‘Not now,’ was all he had said, before turning away and leaving her alone again.

  Erin hadn’t told her family or friends, she hadn’t been able to bring herself to admit that her seemingly perfect marriage was in bits. When she’d gone to Amy’s wedding alone she’d lied and said John was ill with the flu. She desperately wanted to tell her sisters, she felt so alone and wanted someone to talk to, but she was worried that by doing so it would make the break-up real, and so she pretended to the world that life was good. She was busy at work, and so flung herself into that, but it was all meaningless now that she had no one to share her life with, no one to come home to in the evenings.

  Erin was on her way home from yoga when she found a tape down the side of her car door. At first she didn’t recognize it, but then remembered that Ula, the fortune-teller, had given each of the girls a tape-recording of their fortune.

  ‘So many people get overwhelmed when they come in that they forget what I’ve told them, so I find it easier to make a recording that they can listen to later.’

  Erin put the tape on. As she drove through Donnybrook and Stillorgan she heard Ula’s calm voice telling her to appreciate what she already had. Ula was asking her to care for the important things in her life. Erin had thought Ula meant she needed to focus on the baby more, but this time, as she heard Ula tell her about her loving partner, a man with a good heart, she started to realize that Ula had meant she needed to care for John, give him more attention. Ula had tried to tell her what a good man John was, but Erin had been too blindsided to listen to anything but what she thought was information on a future baby.

  I’ve been such a fool, she thought as she pulled the car over. She felt her heart race as she listened to Ula telling her that she needed to let people know how she felt.

  ‘You need to appreciate what you already have, before anything new can come into your life. And what is meant for you will then come your way,’ Ula said.

  Erin felt sick. She had disregarded Ula’s advice, considering it useless, but Ula had seen what was going to happen.

  ‘What have I done?’ she asked out loud. As cars whizzed past her she thought back over the months before the break-up. Erin hadn’t been to any of John’s races, she had been too busy with yoga, or the gym, or researching pregnancy rumours. She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt relaxed around the house, had just sat down with John by her side and laughed, just been happy to have him there.

  Ula had told her not to let her wish of becoming a mum come true at the expense of her heart. I think it’s all too late, Erin thought. I’ve been so obsessed and focused, on everything from the gym to healthy eating and green tea, that I forgot what was the most precious thing I had. The thing I had all along, the thing I needed the most – John.

  Erin hadn’t slept for two days. Ever since listening to Ula’s tape she hadn’t been able to concentrate. Memories kept flashing back to her of the times she had flown off the handle at John for the slightest things, like buying her the wrong pregnancy tests, or sneaking the odd cigarette. She left countless voice-messages on John’s phone, saying she longed to see him, and eventually she got one brief text back to say he would call the following day so they could chat.

  Erin had to leave work early, she felt so tired and exhausted. Her stomach churned at the thought of what John might tell her the next day. It had never occurred to her before that her marriage could be in trouble. Now she saw that while she had been worrying about babies, or work, her husband had been suffering and she had been too selfish to notice. And as the thought entered her head that John might ask for a divorce she almost couldn’t breathe.

  Just before she got home Erin pulled into the local pharmacy. Her head was thumping, and she needed some paracetamol. As she joined a long queue to pay for the small pack of pain relief she looked around the shop. She had been inside it many times to buy ovulation and pregnancy tests, and almost laughed at that thought now. It was those tests that had wrecked her marriage. She turned her back on the pregnancy test shelf, but as she did so, something inside her raised an alarm bell. Suddenly she realized she hadn’t had a period for ages. The last few weeks had been so emotional that she just hadn’t noticed. It’s probably because I’m stressed, she thought. But that alarm call niggled at her. She was tempted to buy a test, but pushed the idea aside. No, those tests are the reason I became so unhinged, she thought. Instead she paid for the paracetamol and went home to her empty, lonely house.

  By 2 a.m. Erin couldn’t stick wondering if she was pregnant any more. She ran into the bathroom, but couldn’t find her box of pregnancy tests anywhere. The day after John had left she had hidden the box. She hadn’t been able to face looking at those little pieces of plastic that had ruined everything. ‘But I need one now,’ she cried, as she took apart her bedroom and then the bathroom. Suddenly she found one. Erin ripped open the box and did the test.

  She sat and waited, before finally allowing herself to look.

  The test result was positive. She was pregnant.

  Erin walked out of the bathroom with the test in her hand. She had imagined this day for years, but as she went into the now very messy bedroom, it was an anticlimax. Yes, she had the result she wanted, but without John there to hug and kiss her it felt wrong. It felt pointless.

  ‘What is meant for you will come your way,’ the fortune-teller had said. But as the news that she was pregnant started to sink in, Erin knew she had gotten what she always wanted, but not in the way she needed. She didn’t want to do this alone. She had to have John.

  Erin started crying. She had never felt so s
ad in all her life.

  34

  ‘HI,’ JOHN SAID, solemnly, as he walked into their house.

  Erin’s stomach was churning. Over the last few hours she had experienced every emotion under the sun. She had swung between being overwhelmed with joy and pure excitement at being pregnant, to feeling sick at the thought of having lost John. Today should have been the happiest day of her life – she was finally pregnant – yet it had really been the worst. Erin could finally legitimately walk into a baby shop and ask about the products, or go to pregnancy websites and not feel like an imposter, but she hadn’t bothered. Without John it didn’t feel right. What have I done? she asked herself over and over. I’ve ruined my marriage, my life, all because I was scared I’d never get pregnant, and now finally I’ve got the test result I want, but no one to share it with.

  Erin knew she had to tell John the news, but as she watched him walk into their living room and sit down on the couch opposite her it occurred to her that she shouldn’t force him to stay with her just because she was expecting, that wouldn’t be fair. No, she would let him say what it was he had come to tell her, and then she would tell him.

  ‘How are you?’ John asked awkwardly, as he looked around the spotless room. He felt like a stranger in the house.

  ‘I’m fine,’ replied Erin politely. She was uncomfortable, too.

  ‘Would you like some coffee or tea?’ she asked, looking for an excuse to do something, rather than just sit and stare at him. He might be her husband, but right now she felt like she was on some kind of bad first date.

  ‘Yeah, I’d love a coffee,’ said John. ‘Let me help you,’ he added, as they both headed for the kitchen.

  While she boiled the kettle John politely asked about her work, but Erin couldn’t stand the chit-chat any more.

  ‘Work has been impossible, I can’t concentrate, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’ve been so worried and upset. John, I miss you. I love you. I’ve made some huge mistakes, and I’m so sorry. I know I can’t change the past, but I really am sorry. Please give me a second chance.’